jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!

OOps sorry....
I will stop posting, if you dont like me putting out jokes.. this is after all a jokes forum..
(BTW I dont care about the post count)
 
Originally posted by Sir John
OOps sorry....
I will stop posting, if you dont like me putting out jokes.. this is after all a jokes forum..
(BTW I dont care about the post count)

Its not that i dont like the jokes, some of the are funny. But you can put them all in ONE post. :D
 
Originally posted by Sir John
OOps sorry....
I will stop posting, if you dont like me putting out jokes.. this is after all a jokes forum..
(BTW I dont care about the post count)

It's not that anyone objects to you posting jokes. After all, as you said, it is a jokes forum. However, flooding the forum is against the rules. Quite a few of your one or two-liner jokes could have been put in a single post. The longer ones (such as the lists) were rightly put by themselves.

The rules on spamming are a bit looser in this forum than most of the others at this site, but still you need to slow down. I say this for YOUR benefit, not mine or anyone else's.
 
3 men walk into a bar, you think one of them would've seen it. :rolleyes: (that's an old one)

A guy is walking down the street and sees a bar that has a sign thta reads:
All you can drink Beer for free if you can do 3 tasks.

So the guy walks into the bar, and asks the bartender what the 3 tasks are.
The bartender replies, "First you have to drink 25 shots of Straight up Tequila. Next, there is an aligator out back that has a sore tooth, and you need to pull it with a pair of tweesers. Last, there is a woman upstairs who hasn't had an orgy in a long while."
So the guy takes the 25 shots of Tequila and sits around for a while, debating on whether to go on to the next task. He has a couple more, and then walks out the back door. Suddenly, everyone in the bar hears the sickest and strangest sounds they have ever heard in their life. The guy comes back all cut and bruised and says:

"Now where's that lady with the sore tooth?"

Another:

3 women, 2 brunettes and a blonde, escape from jail, and are being chased by the cops. They all run into an abandoned farmhouse and find 3 sacks. Each jumps into one and hides. The cops come in, and one cop kicks the first bag with a brunette in it. She goes "Woof!". The cop says, "It's just a stupid dog." The cop kicks the next bag with the other brunette and she goes, "Meow!". The cop says, "It's just a stupid cat."
The cop kicks the last bag with the blonde in it, and she goes, "POTATOES!"
 
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
 
A Chinese Man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

Bar man asks: "That's interesting where did you get it?"

Parrot says: "China there's bloody millions of them :p "

:mischief:
 
Well I could pu evry thing in one post but the thing is: it would take up the same amount of space, but it would give me better posts number....

I dont see it as a bad thing, to get a good thing out of a bad thing when it doesnt create any bad things...
 
BTW you only have to deal with me for another 78 posts... after that I wont post that many post here.. :p
 
Dear Mr. Blix,
Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on behalf of Western oil companies.

Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I thought I’d help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few “Dos” and “Don’ts”.

DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World “savages”. We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones. I joke!

DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use. Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad. While you’re at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.

DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire. And while you’re busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover.

DON’T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless, aesthetic “tools” you cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I don’t have hidden underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my own noble pleasures.

DON’T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West. Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill. Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.

DON’T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades.

I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience. I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing!

In Me I Trust,
Saddam
 
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
 
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
 
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
 
What Men Want


More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surf boards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls who cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke "ejector" stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the "talking" filler.
Head banging elevated to "fine art".
All money spent on women tax deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
 
A Panda goes into a resturant and sits at the table. The waiter is shocked to see a Panda and asks the manager what to do.
"Serve him what ever he wants!" asys the manager.
The waiter takes the panda's order of bamboo and takes it to it's table. The panda eats everything on its plate, stands up, pulls out a gun and starts blasting up the place. The Panda exits and the stunned waiter gathers his wits and chases down the rouge animal.
"Why in the world did you do that?!" yells the waiter.
"Look me up in the dictionary." says the Panda and walks off.
The waiter goes back and looks 'Panda' lup in the book.
Panda (n) - Asian animal that eats shoots and leaves.
 
OFFICIAL RULLING:
One GOOD joke per post is adequate. For lesser quality jokes add them together in a post. Have fun and stress trying to judge what is a GOOD joke to Lefty. :ninja:
 
Originally posted by Matrix
Sir John, those quotes are not from George Bush, but from Dan Quayle. :rolleyes:

well that doesnt matter.. theyre still funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Another cruel one:

How many babys does it take to paint a wall red??









Only one, If you toss him really hard!!!!!! :lol:
 
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