Marriage

[Grisu]

I'm currently married for only 4 or 5 years officially. But we've been committed for about 12 or 13. We had our reasons for not getting the civil authorities involved in our personal relationship, but when we finally realized that adding a larva to our unit would be a good idea (??) we came to understand that it's *much* simpler to do that within the current regulatory system.

So we did an elopement (according to our families).

Nothing changed for us personally, but society definitely sees us differently. And I really don't like that. We were just as committed to eachother before that day as we are after it. It's completely arbitrary.

Pretty much the same for us. I've been married for 6 years now, but we've been together for *does math* 17 years (holy crap, really? Tempus fugit and all that...).

The main reason we got married was our first daughter. Before that, neither of us really saw the point of it, and taxes aren't nice to DINKs when married (for whatever weird reason)

Passion and romance do get tempered over time, but from my experience every now and then they flare back up which seems to be a good indication to me that the relationship's still going strong. And of course, having three little daughters adds a bit of strain to the whole passion thing.

As for me, the main key ot a working relationship seems to be friendship. If you're not friend on top of being lovers, I think it'll be hard to keep the relationship going long-term and at the first major crisis you'll be tempted to throw it all away. With friendship, however, the relationship will be much more resilient since those take much longer to break.

How did y'all get together in the first place?

Pretty classic. Went to a party with some friends...she was the best friend of the gf of one of my best friends...so we got talking while they were 'busy'.

 

[Farm Boy]

Here I haven't even started dating yet. How did y'all get together in the first place?

6 years of pestering her for a date.

 

[onejayhawk]

Here I haven't even started dating yet. How did y'all get together in the first place?

Judith and I met at a New Years party. There were only four as the party and we pretty much ignored the other two. Judith's girlfriend told her I was strange. I think that meant she had trouble understanding my sense of humor. In any event, Judith and I talked for more than four hours. I proposed within a week.

It has not been easy. Judith was widowed and had six kids. I had to decide before everything else that I would not let the kids break us up. That turned out to be less a problem than my own parents. My mother was spiteful ad cutting to the day she died. Money has always been tight. I have had to travel, which took me away from home for long stretches. That was also a problem because Judith would have liked some travel.

The key has always been that we could talk. whatever the issue, we would eventually get enough of it out that we could both cope. My parents were opposed to the marriage and told everyone that would listen. What they heard back was, "But they can talk." She has habits I don't like and vice versa. You decide that it is not going to to be a deal breaker.

People say that marriage takes a commitment. what they mean is that you need to decide to work through the problems before the the problems happen. It is sort of like a trip. You decide to go. you pack the bags, check out the car, make sure you have money, let people know where and when. There are a lot of things to think through. Once you get started, you don't let a flat tire turn you back. You deal with it. It's easy because you know where you are going.

Try to make your relationships like that. Know where you are going. When it comes to making promises, you will have already thought things through. There is a certain confidence that comes from being prepared. It is only fair to the other party to not make promises you are not truly committed to keeping. Promises are not always spoken. people make them none-the-less. Yes, that means sex.

J

 

[peter grimes]

How did y'all get together in the first place?

I had been in a couple of long-term relationships, the most recent of which had turned bad on me. It was the only time I've been dumped, and it was the hardest thing I had ever dealt with (at that point ). I work in an industry where it's quite common for people to work summer jobs in different places, so I took a job in a place outside my usual haunts.

I was housed with 8 or 9 other people, and my future wife was besties with one of my housemates. Our house was big on having group meals, cook-outs, and such. So it wasn't uncommon for lots of other employees to be hanging out at our place - plus we were the only housing on a lake, and everyone likes to swim!

It didn't take long before Stacey and I were inseparable. Truth be told, I was looking forward to a casual one-night-stand situation, since that had never happened for me in the past. We now joke about what a failure I am at that, Bad-Luck-Brian-style. "Expects a 1-night-stand, moves in with her 2 months later "

tl;dr: hanging out after work

 

[bathsheba666]

Congrats on the 25th.

Certainly societies' view of marriage is in flux. IMHO, if you're having children, marriage is the way to go. Children without two parents are at a social and economic disadvantage. But we are becoming so self-indulgent and unwilling to sacrifice these days that it's perhaps best not to have kids unless you can form a mature, stable relationship first.

There seems to be an implication here that marriage is the only mature stable relationship and prerequisite for parenthood.
Obviously not so. Our sprog is about to disappear to Uni ( we sincerely hope).

Funnily enough, we are finally contemplating marriage - but only for inheritance reasons as there appears no other escape. Equating possession of a piece of paper with the quality of the relationship is shall we say, antediluvian

 

[Narz]

I had been in a couple of long-term relationships, the most recent of which had turned bad on me. It was the only time I've been dumped, and it was the hardest thing I had ever dealt with (at that point ). I work in an industry where it's quite common for people to work summer jobs in different places, so I took a job in a place outside my usual haunts.

I was housed with 8 or 9 other people, and my future wife was besties with one of my housemates. Our house was big on having group meals, cook-outs, and such. So it wasn't uncommon for lots of other employees to be hanging out at our place - plus we were the only housing on a lake, and everyone likes to swim!

Sounds like the perfect situation to meet someone cool (you get to see how they interact with others & what they are like day to day without the commitment of moving in together).

What was the summer job?

 

[Snorrius]

Here I haven't even started dating yet. How did y'all get together in the first place?

You travel to Philippines, find a girl you like, make a deal with her parents and marry her.

 

[downtown]

Here I haven't even started dating yet. How did y'all get together in the first place?

My wife and I met at church. This is not uncommon at all for mormons, but it is usual for me, since 1) my wife is the only mormon woman I had ever dated, and 2) we met in Chicago, not some place like Utah, where there are a *ton* of mormons.

About 4 months after I moved to Chicago, I was at some activity where most of the single 20something mormons were attending. I was in a kitchen, helping cook for the activity, when the wife of the leader of our congregation literally dragged me out of the kitchen, took me aside, and said "you go talk to this woman right now. You're going to be perfect for each other, and she has the most beautiful blue eyes".

I did, just to be polite, but I was already dating somebody. We ended up hitting it off, hanging around waaay after the activity was over to chat, but it isn't romantic in any way. We were just friends.

The leader's wife, and a few other adults, would try intermittently to set us up (later, I learned this was in large part because we were two of the only liberals in the area, so they assumed that we'd HAVE to marry each other eventually), and we would adamantly push back on their suggestions. I dated other women, and she dated other men.

About year and a half after I moved to Chicago, I got dumped out of the blue (my roommate at the time, btw? Godwynn!). I decided to call up a few friends to go to blues club so I could be cheered up. One of those friends invited my future wife (he apparently had a crush on her). For some reason, even though I really wasn't looking for anything else (and said so multiple times that night), we saw each other in a completely different light that evening, and stayed out til 3 AM talking after the bar, and after everybody else went home.

We started dating about a month late, and were engaged about a year later.

 

[onejayhawk]

At church, after services and coffee, we went back into the sanctuary and renewed our vows.

25 years ago, we wrote our own vows. One of our wedding gifts was having them calligraphed and framed. This time the service was from the 1932 Anglican prayer book, just like you have seen in countless movies.

Want some cake? There was plenty left?

J

 

[Ayatollah So]

I moved in with my wife.* Then we started going out. *Student co-op.

Even though I'm bad at following this advice, I totally agree about the compliments and thank-yous. I think social scientists even use that as a measure/predictor of marriage strength. Yup. Second on the list, after communication.

 

[onejayhawk]

My mother never saw the attraction. Relatives would listen to her complaints and say, "But they can talk."

I never though understanding my sense of humor was a necessary and sufficient condition for marital compatibility, but it was.

J

 

[Grisu]

There seems to be an implication here that marriage is the only mature stable relationship and prerequisite for parenthood.
Obviously not so. Our sprog is about to disappear to Uni ( we sincerely hope).

yeah, I was kinda getting that gist too. you absolutely should be in a mature stable relationship to marry (and get kids too, IMO). But that doesn't mean that one or both of the others absolutely have to follow. I'd say that the relationship with my wife was stable and mature years before we even considered marriage, and several of my friends in long-term relationships are not married; I wouldn't consider their relationships any less mature because of that.

We didn't get married earlier because the state somehow insists that married couples without kids where both partners work full-time need to pay alot more taxes than unmarried ones (for whatever reason, probably a left over from older times where 'unmarried couple' wasn't even considered to be an option and indeed was outlawed in several cantons up until the 70s). I
n our case it would have been easily 1-2k more in taxes per year. The other reason was that we didn't really see the point of it prior to getting kids. We made our commitment to each other a long time before we got married, so having the state/church acknowledge it changed nothing for us. What did change was some added security and less bureaucratic hassle for both of us when it comes to the kids (with married parents the husband is automatically assumed the father, whereas if you're not married you have to actively claim fatherhood).

Btw, is the 'until death us do part' thing still common when/where you married?

 

[Farm Boy]

Btw, is the 'until death us do part' thing still common when/where you married?

It runs in streaks. I forget what the overall divorce rate is around here, but it isn't magically low. But it's weird, I was discussing this two weekends ago with my parents, and I think it's determined in part by learned behavior conflict/communication skills. Of course there are exceptions and outliers, and I certainly am friends with some people/families that have had a divorce...but... My parents are married. My sister's husband's parents are married. My wife's parents are married. All grandparents thereof(there is one left!) were "death do us part." My wife's sister's husband's parents are married. My wife's brother's wife's parents are married. I counted out a reasonable approximation of my closest 10 friends, all their parents are married. My wife did the same with the same result. If I want to find divorce in my family I need to go down one side of cousins, where one family with 2 children was a divorced/remarried home. Both children(not children now!) ended their marriages with a divorce rather than a funeral.

 

[peter grimes]

@downtown - this little comment of mine doesn't do your story justice, it's so nice to read, it's beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

I never though understanding my sense of humor was a necessary and sufficient condition for marital compatibility, but it was.

J

Thinking back on my relationships, they always start with a lot of laughter on both sides. Then inside jokes develop, a private secret little club. Then the knowing glances, where a simple facial expression is all that's required to convey the secret meaning...

I Laugh more with my wife than with anyone else, and sadly she's not the person I spend the most time with due to our non-aligned schedules.

We just got back from her 15th college reunion, we spent 4 days in a row together. That hasn't happened since last July. The last time we had spent even 2 days together back to back was in September.

 

[Narz]

I'll be impressed if I can find a woman who can make me laugh. Most women, ime, are just not that funny. I think my daughter makes me laugh more than any other female I've met come to think of it.

 

[onejayhawk]

I'll be impressed if I can find a woman who can make me laugh. Most women, ime, are just not that funny. I think my daughter makes me laugh more than any other female I've met come to think of it.

I know exactly what you mean. Substitute interesting for funny and you get why I was well into my 20s before I married, then proposed inside a week.

J

 

[illram]

Listen, talk, respect, empathize. Don't let things fester. Don't go to sleep angry. Do the dishes. Light a match after a stinky poop.