Next War PBEM

[Imperator Knoedel]

*Public session of His Excellency´s court commencing*
(His Excellency: )"Soooooooo, let Us get this straight Our *hissing* dearest most trusted advisors: You let Us personally lead an army to the Middle East, and didn´t think the itty-bitty detail that Asia has made peace with The Lady almost a year ago was worth mentioning, correct? Do tell Us, what else have you kept from Us? SPEAK!"
"We don´t actually have any superweapons, that demonstration you saw was just a compilation of clips from Star Wars."
"The Lady has a Tactical Nuke in Jerusalem."
"We have been infiltrated by Southern agents years ago, it has become so bad that I can´t even order my food in the cafeteria in anything but Arabic."
"I´m responsible for that assassination attempt yesterday. Say, would you like to drink this refreshing beverage I prepared extra for you?"
"Santa Claus isn´t real."
"Stop stop stop STOP! We can´t believe We´re completely surrounded by incompetent idiots! Oh We are going to..."
(Prime Minister Catherine Shapiro, dramatically entering the room: )"You aren´t going to do anything you powerless figurehead."
Wait what? Is this about your birthday present? We already told you...
Shut up, no, this is about some overdue reforms, namely the ones specified in the document you signed yesterday.
What document? Oh you mean the one legalizing Slavery and proclaiming Us a god? What about that?
Well, if you had actually read the whole document instead of just skimming over the first two points you probably wouldn´t have signed it in the first place, but as the reforms already became effective yesterday there is no harm in showing you now:

What is this? Democracy!? FREE SPEECH!!!??? What are We, Americans from the 20th century? Revoke these laws instantly you traitor or We´ll have this Jesus guy executed instead of being given to you as slave!
I´m afraid you don´t really have any power Sir, so unless you want me to put you before a trial for your various infringements of human rights you´d better just shut up. Got that? Good. On to business: You guys think The Lady would agree to peace if instead of Istanbul we gave her this jerk here (points at His Excellency) so she can execute him personally? That would solve two of our biggest current problems, but only one of them for the long term. No, there are too many unbalances in the current geopolitical situation, if those aren´t resolved we will have another war sooner or later. I therefore propose that we do what Europeans do best: Ordering the rest of the world around. I think something like us getting Great Britain, the North African coast and Israel, America getting Panama, and Asia getting East India and Siberia. Everyone signs a multilateral defensive pact with each other and we pay The Lady whatever seems appropriate for the destruction of Baghdad. Sounds good? The other world leaders should probably see this broadcast anyway so let´s just sit back and wait for their answers.
I hereby conclude the first meeting of the Europan Republic´s provisorical government. Dismissed.
*Public session ending*

 

[Nighthawk419]

Jesus II sends a video message to The Lady personally.

"Lady, we intercepted a video from the Euros! Yeee haw, they are completely misguided! They think they can end the war by giving half the world our land and just paying us for the destruction of Baghdad! When can I ride this nuke into Europe like a bucking bronco???"

The video feed suddenly shuts down.

The Lady: "Bring me Norm."

A new video feed opens up, showing Norm the robot, driving through desert.

Norm: "Yes, Lady?"

The Lady: "Tell me what you think about the recent developments with Europe."

Norm: "Once again the leaders of Europe have over-estimated their own abilities with diplomacy. Obviously their proposal will be denied by you. There is a 67.5% likelihood that there is a chemical in the croissants which causes their brains to have the neurons not fire correctly. I've run the scenarios, and there is none in which any other world leader would accept the terms of peace that were outlined. I will not reiterate my logic to you as you know it already. Again the most logical scenario for your Empire is to either ask for or take Algiers and Istanbul before the signing of a peace treaty with Europe. Their leaders do not seem to understand that they are out-gunned and the chances of them holding Istanbul and Algiers after the year 2075 are down to 13.4%. Again my recommendation is to simply take both cities and then agree to a peace treaty with Europe. This will solidify our borders into only a few choke points and allow us to easily control our Empire and bring about glorious days for our people, allowing us to grow in peace without the threat of invasion from our own continent. Shall I send the recordings of this feed to Europe?"

The Lady: "Yes. The leaders of Europe must understand that there will be no peace until Algiers and Istanbul are under my control, which they will be, one way or another. If they had a functioning brain, they might understand that it would save the remnants of their military to just hand the cities over and agree to peace. Thank you Norm, I hereby promote you to second in command. You may inform Jesus II that he has been demoted to Jeeves' assistant."

Norm: "I shall inform them."

video feed ends.

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Note: Unless otherwise noted I will speak as Catherine Shapiro for now.

"Lady, we intercepted a video from the Euros!"

*Public session of His Excellency´s court commencing*

... By 'intercept' you surely mean 'going to the Europan's government's website and watching the livestream that's for all to see', right? Now, I am we'll aware that the southern intelligence agency is the best world wide but you don't have to put everything into spy terms.

The leaders of Europe must understand that there will be no peace until Algiers and Istanbul are under my control, which they will be, one way or another. If they had a functioning brain, they might understand that it would save the remnants of their military to just hand the cities over and agree to peace.

Oy vey, this was expectable unfortunately. *sighs and rubs temples* Alright no one should be able to say I wasn't diplomatic. How about this: We give you Algiers and Turkey, but still receive Great Britain while our borders with Asia stay the same. For that you give Asia the whole Indian subcontinent except for Delhi and America Inc. still receives Panama. Sounds good?
Please believe me when I say that I want nothing more than peace, even if it means giving up some of our land. I understand that you want easily defendable borders especially after our invasion, I really do, but you also have to realize that no stable long-term peace is possible with the current distribution of land. I mean have you looked on a globe recently? You own practically half of it, and you really can't pretend you are surprised when others have a problem with such an obvious imbalance.
Also you should really rethink the use of nuclear warheads against civilian targets, I know it must have hurt what happened to the innocent population of Baghdad, but do you really think paying bloodshed with even more bloodshed is a good idea, especially when the one responsible was thrown out of office and replaced by someone reasonable that actually tries to negotiate? Remember, we are a democracy now, and not a really stable one at that, and if you nuke us I can't make any promises about what our people demands. Heck, current poll results show more than 30% in favor of continuing the war, so please tread with care.

Awaiting your response, President Catherine Shapiro

 

[Nighthawk419]

Oy vey, this was expectable unfortunately. *sighs and rubs temples* Alright no one should be able to say I wasn't diplomatic. How about this: We give you Algiers and Turkey, but still receive Great Britain while our borders with Asia stay the same. For that you give Asia the whole Indian subcontinent except for Delhi and America Inc. still receives Panama. Sounds good?
Please believe me when I say that I want nothing more than peace, even if it means giving up some of our land. I understand that you want easily defendable borders especially after our invasion, I really do, but you also have to realize that no stable long-term peace is possible with the current distribution of land. I mean have you looked on a globe recently? You own practically half of it, and you really can't pretend you are surprised when others have a problem with such an obvious imbalance.
Also you should really rethink the use of nuclear warheads against civilian targets, I know it must have hurt what happened to the innocent population of Baghdad, but do you really think paying bloodshed with even more bloodshed is a good idea, especially when the one responsible was thrown out of office and replaced by someone reasonable that actually tries to negotiate? Remember, we are a democracy now, and not a really stable one at that, and if you nuke us I can't make any promises about what our people demands. Heck, current poll results show more than 30% in favor of continuing the war, so please tread with care.

Awaiting your response, President Catherine Shapiro

OOC: Sometimes I think my humor is lost on you Knoedel...

In character: Ms. Shapiro receives the following email, with a bcc: of The Glorious Leader and Mr. Big:

Dear Ms. Shapiro,

We have been informed of your messages via our spies in Moscow. Did you know your coded-messages have been not very coded lately? Anyway, I digress...

The Lady believes you are off your rocker. I, for one, can understand how you are attempting to re-balance the world after your latest failed attempt at invasion, because right now we have you on your heels and you are simply trying to save face with your people. But I have to ask you this: What makes you think the Glorious Leader or Mr. Big care about what happened to either of our empires? The Glorious Leader has turned on you, yet it seems you are assuming he would be willing to accept the worst parts of India in a peace resolution, when he can easily just take the eastern part of your empire for his own with no resolutions at all. As for Mr. Big, you have to look at it from his perspective: why in the world would he give up the islands of the UK in exchange for lowly Panama? As for the perspective of The Lady, you also are trying to convince her to give up 3 cities in exchange for 2... when right now it stands that she will own those 2 cities anyway, without giving up anything other than the loss of a few troops. So why in her right mind would she agree to this??? From all parties other than your own, it makes absolutely no sense to agree to these terms.

I would also address your point about "land area" of each of our empires. You are correct in saying that The Lady has control of most of the land of this earth. However, most of this land consists of uninhabitable desert. Europe may be the smallest when it comes to land, however the lush grasslands and productive hills make it the better land to own anyway. You are looking at the area of land, while we look at the productivity of the land and encourage you to do the same.

In the end, it comes down to the same terms. We are trying to save the people of Algiers and Istanbul from the death and destruction that would be caused by our attacks. But make no mistake about it - we will own those cities before long, in whatever shape they are in. The Lady is showing you great mercy by offering to save your army in exchange for the lives of the citizens of these cities. Also, this offer comes with a peace treaty, unbreakable for at least 10 years, which I believe you keep forgetting about. I think you think the same offer of peace will be on the table once those cities are taken, which is incorrect. Once we have decimated your military and taken those cities, there would be no reason for peace, as The Lady and the Glorious Leader would simply move in and divide all of Europe for themselves. Mr. Big might even be obliged to see these actions and invade from London himself, in order to assure himself a piece of the scraps of Europe.

By signing a peace treaty you can save your military, not worry about an invasion from The Lady, and focus your efforts on fighting the Glorious Leader's army, which marches towards Moscow daily. This way you may be able to not only survive as a nation, but hey, you may be able to make some advances into eastern Asia, too!

You need to stop looking at this offer as "give us these two cities or else" and start thinking of it as an offer of survival. We are giving you a chance to survive as a nation, allowing for the hope of future gains. Declining our request would simply be the first step towards Europe's assured destruction. I encourage you to think long and hard about our proposal... while you can.

Signed in peace,
Jeeves

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

OOC: Sometimes I think my humor is lost on you Knoedel...

OoC: how so?

We have been informed of your messages via our spies in Moscow. Did you know your coded-messages have been not very coded lately!

Nonsense, my espionage advisor, Mr. Yusuf tota Llynot aSout hernspy, personally checked all of our codes yesterday. Anyhow you must be a tad more specific, we have lots of out- and ingoing communiqués everyday, so unless you can show me a concrete example of an intercepted message I assume that you are just bluffing to drive me paranoid. Really, your method is obvious and might I add the same you used against our former leader some years ago, and I will certainly not fall for your newest attempt at psychological warfare. You don't overthrow a tyran without learning a thing or two about intrigue.

because right now we have you on your heels

I think you overestimate your chances.

What makes you think the Glorious Leader or Mr. Big care about what happened to either of our empires? The Glorious Leader has turned on you, yet it seems you are assuming he would be willing to accept the worst parts of India in a peace resolution, when he can easily just take the eastern part of your empire for his own with no resolutions at all.

You obviously have never heard of General Winter, also you seem to overestimate the productivity of Siberia and underestimate the quality of India.

As for Mr. Big, you have to look at it from his perspective: why in the world would he give up the islands of the UK in exchange for lowly Panama?

You can also throw in Venezuela. Again, you seem to underestimate the sheer strategical value of owning the Panama Canal, not to mention that it's one of the world's greatest trading hubs, easily offsetting the loss of GB. Maybe we could find a compromise, he keeps the main island while we get Ireland or something the like. Frankly we think America Inc.'s size is about right, but you shouldn't own Panama so giving it to Mr. Big is the most logical solution. Maybe he could give up Hawaii instead of GB? Those are just some details that still need to be negotiated.

As for the perspective of The Lady

AND as I already said it is not only in her best interest but also for the sake of world peace that she doesn't own inappropriately much compared to the other three powers. But really, if she prefers short-term gains over long-term peace and prosperity, well I've already overthrown one tyrant today.

You are looking at the area of land, while we look at the productivity of the land and encourage you to do the same.

Said the guy who thinks Siberia is more worth than India. You don't fool me kiddo, I have a degree in Geography and Economics.

Once we have decimated your military and taken those cities

Your spies are obviously utterly incompetent, not that I'd publicly specify why of course.

focus your efforts on fighting the Glorious Leader's army, which marches towards Moscow daily. This way you may be able to not only survive as a nation, but hey, you may be able to make some advances into eastern Asia, too!

Bwahahaha! Am I the only one who finds this pathetic attempt at 'divide and conquer' ridiculous? Really, at least try to be subtle when you try to play someone out against each other. You'd think the personal assistant of the Queen of intrigue would be at least somewhat skilled in this game, but alas, you are obviously as incompetent at deception as you are in Geography.

Signed in peace

Yeah sure!

*mumbles to herself*and to think he was gonna give me that guy as a sex slave...

 

[Nighthawk419]

OoC: how so?

OOC: Jesus II has obviously turned crazy from the stresses of working directly under the lady, hence why he took a public communication and told the lady he intercepted a coded message. Subtle humor, and my characters are evolving, pay attention to it, its good stuff!

Jeeves pounds his fist on the table as he reads the latest messages from Europe, thinking "The Lady is not going to be happy about this..." He begins speaking furiously into his iPhone 600.

Nonsense, my espionage advisor, Mr. Yusuf tota Llynot aSout hernspy, personally checked all of our codes yesterday. Anyhow you must be a tad more specific, we have lots of out- and ingoing communiqués everyday, so unless you can show me a concrete example of an intercepted message I assume that you are just bluffing to drive me paranoid. Really, your method is obvious and might I add the same you used against our former leader some years ago, and I will certainly not fall for your newest attempt at psychological warfare. You don't overthrow a tyran without learning a thing or two about intrigue.

Am I bluffing? Or am I 100% dead serious? Do you even know what's going on right now?

I think you overestimate your chances.

No, again I think you overestimate your chances.

You obviously have never heard of General Winter, also you seem to overestimate the productivity of Siberia and underestimate the quality of India.

Who? It doesn't matter, Siberia would be plenty productive if it was managed right. If you'd like we can take it off your hands!

You can also throw in Venezuela. Again, you seem to underestimate the sheer strategical value of owning the Panama Canal, not to mention that it's one of the world's greatest trading hubs, easily offsetting the loss of GB. Maybe we could find a compromise, he keeps the main island while we get Ireland or something the like. Frankly we think America Inc.'s size is about right, but you shouldn't own Panama so giving it to Mr. Big is the most logical solution. Maybe he could give up Hawaii instead of GB? Those are just some details that still need to be negotiated.

Again - you are speaking as if you have any leverage in this situation. If Mr. Big wants Panama, Venezuala or any other place in the world he should be speaking to the owner of those territories directly, not dealing with your a third party who wants to take some of his best land. And as his lack of public communication has shown, it doesn't appear he really cares about your concerns, with good reason.

AND as I already said it is not only in her best interest but also for the sake of world peace that she doesn't own inappropriately much compared to the other three powers. But really, if she prefers short-term gains over long-term peace and prosperity, well I've already overthrown one tyran today.

Again you speak as if the world will turn on The Lady for simply solidifying her borders. The Glorious Leader has already shown where his priorities lie, do you think he cares about The Lady's 2 city gain when he stands to gain all of Europe?? As for Mr. Big, again you are negotiating on his behalf. If he cares to discuss the division of the world among the three remaining powers after your discussion, that's certainly a talk that will be had among the important people in the world, which would not include you, once you are dead.

Said the guy who thinks Siberia is more worth than India. You don't fool me kiddo, I have a degree in Geography and Economics.

Lots of good those degrees are doing you, considering you are willing to just let your entire military be blown to smithereens over two mediocre cities.

Your spies are obviously utterly incompetent, not that I'd publicly specify why of course.

We are not concerned about the quality of our spies.

Bwahahaha! Am I the only one who finds this pathetic attempt at 'divide and conquer' ridiculous? Really, at least try to be subtle when you try to play someone out against each other. You'd think the personal assistant of the Queen of intrigue would be at least somewhat skilled in this game, but alas, you are obviously as incompetent at deception as you are in Geography.

I would love to see how I am trying to divide and conquer. The Glorious Leader fights with The Lady against you. We have done nothing but let it be known that we would negotiate anything with Mr. Big. You are the only one who seems to be against us. If I am doing anything here, its gathering the world together to conquer you!

Yeah sure!

*mumbles to herself*and to think he was gonna give me that guy as a sex slave...

Speaking of which, I need to stop bothering with you and get down to business. Someone get me that freak Jesus II on the phone and tell him to put his chaps on, it looks like he's going to get to ride that Big Boy like he wanted...

 

[Nighthawk419]

PS - I am serious, this is your last chance to accept our terms. If we receive our turn before you accept, we will assume that means you've denied our request and wish to have your military destroyed and we will do as you've asked. It seems as if Mr. Big may get to his turn tonight, which would mean we would receive it tonight and play it shortly after receipt...

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

PS - I am serious, this is your last chance to accept our terms. If we receive our turn before you accept, we will assume that means you've denied our request and wish to have your military destroyed and we will do as you've asked. It seems as if Mr. Big may get to his turn tonight, which would mean we would receive it tonight and play it shortly after receipt...

Wait wait wait WAIT! Please. Could you please just wait for another 24 hours or so? I have to think.

 

[Nighthawk419]

Wait wait wait WAIT! Please. Could you please just wait for another 24 hours or so? I have to think.

Talk to Mr. Big. If I get the turn and have the time to play it, I will play it assuming no peace agreement. If I don't get it, then I don't get it. Its up to you whether we come to terms before I receive it. The offer is on the table... its a pretty obvious answer as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Talk to Mr. Big. If I get the turn and have the time to play it, I will play it assuming no peace agreement. If I don't get it, then I don't get it. Its up to you whether we come to terms before I receive it. The offer is on the table... its a pretty obvious answer as far as I'm concerned.

I just sent a mail to Luthor asking him about his thoughts on the recent turn of events, but you seriously can't hold me responsible for making such an important decision without first consulting all players.
Also you will cross the point of no return if we start exchanging nukes, if you want to open that Pandora's box, then on your own head be it.

 

[Eclipse4449]

Holy smokes! You guys are awesome!
Eclipse

Just to point out that the Glorious Leader is still here he granted permission to be interviewed by one of his highest rated news personalities. But from the start of the interview and the first question The Glorious Leader gestures next question on the live broadcast, not bothered or embarrassed he asks another question, but again and even again he gestures to move onto another question, finally he gets the nerve to ask what is distracting him and moves around to the front of a Monitor in which The Glorious Leader had been focused. What he saw was pretty funny I must admit, it was an old Godzilla movie recorded in Japan and Dubbed in English with Chinese subtitles and the words were not aligned with their mouths moving.

So you've allowed me to put you on Live Broadcast watching an old TV show, is that what this was?
The Glorious Leader turns to reply and just smiles real big and says "Yesterday I was mad, today I'm Glad" if you don't like you can flip Sushi.

No Glorious Leader it was a great idea, he bows and quickly leaves. What he missed was the glorious leader had changed channels right before he saw the screen.

 

[Luthor_Saxburg]

Recently there has been a secret public broadcast from a strange part of the world that has been circulating in the internet. The number of views has even surpassed the number of views of the sex scene in the new reality show... this is quite concerning!!!!

When our workforces starts to care more about politics and world affairs than love&sex... well, this is a setback in the progress we have achieved over the past years!!!! This cold mean a setback in progress and going back into disturbing things like demonstrations, strikes, political manifestations, ethical requests, etc, etc...

Our beloved American CEO is on top of this issues so our workforce can be relaxed remind this issue. American Inc has no intention of exchaging any English speaking territories with any other territories! This broadcast is probably a fake one as we don't think it's possible that any reasonable leader would make such comments without consulting us first.

Mr. Big however is concerned about the developments of the real war, namely with the potential usage of nuclear weapons! He is utterly against it and will keep insisting with the world leaders to avoid using them.

Good people, workforce of American Inc, remain calm and ignore the world affairs. Go back to usefull things like watching the new reality show and consuming all the products advertised there! This will help our economy! Furthermore, have sex and as many children as you can. This was ordered by God and seconded by our glorious leader! This is your task in the troublesome world!

.

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

*in the warroom*

The apathy of the other world leaders is not really making this decision any easier. *sigh*
*turns to assistent* Alright, here´s the plan: I want you to send three messages.
The first to the Turkish army division, telling them to proceed with the current operation.
The second to the Turkish civil government, telling them that I am really sorry that it had to come to this.
The third to The Lady, containing the four words on this sheet, and include a fitting picture from the internet, preferably with ponies.
And prepare my adress to the state of the nation, would you please?

Spoiler The Lady :

COME AT ME SIS!

 

[Tigranes]

^^ This was hilarious

 

[Nighthawk419]

sent to Eclipse just now... I'll update everyone with what happened tomorrow (cliffhanger!)

 

[Nighthawk419]

*incoming message from the Lady*

Norm: "Yes, Lady?"

Lady: "Status update."

Norm: "Ms. Shapiro has spread her mechan-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach *kick* anized Infantry in a wide net defending the hills surrounding Istanbul, outside of the radius of a nuclear blast. There are another 6 units inside the city. Algiers has more units, about 8 inside, with 2 units in the hills outside Casablanca. There is an 85.3% chance that a nuclear blast on Istanbul will be re-fortified with the units outside the blast radius and the city will not be able to be taken without significant losses. The ratio of kills per nuke is higher in Algiers. I would suggest sending the nuke there for now, as this increases the chances of Ms. Shapiro agreeing to hand over Istanbul as part of a peace treaty to 5.3%."

Lady: "Those are pretty low odds, Norm."

Norm: "You are correct. Analysis of the water in Europe has not been completed yet in order to identify the source of the illness."

Lady: "Alright then. Nuke Algiers." *transmission ends*
----------------------------------------------

*incoming transmission from Norm*

Jeeves: "Yes uh... sir?"

Norm: "It's ma'am to you. Initiate launch sequence two-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission ends*
-----------------------------------------------

*incoming transmission from Jeeves*

Jesus II: "Yee haw, how's it hangin' my butlered friend?"

Jeeves: "I'm not a butler..."

Jesus II: "Whatever you say. Do you remember that old website askjeeves.com? Was that you?"

Jeeves: *shakes head* "I'm a human, not a website."

Jesus II: "I find that hard to believe."

Jeeves: "Just shut up. Initiate launch sequence two-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission ends*

Jesus II: "Launch sequence two-five-zero-niner???? Aw shiitttt......"
---------------------------------------------

*incoming transmission from Jesus II*

A computer techie named Steve who enjoys dressing like Batman answers the call in an overly exaggerated deep voice.

Batman: "Yes Jesus II"

Jesus II: "Nice costume Steve! Do you like mine? I'm playing a wild west cowboy!"

Steve: "It's not a costume and I don't know who Steve is. I'm Batman."

Jesus II: "yeah, yeah whatever. Initiate launch sequence two-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission ends*

Steve/Batman spins in his computer chair to look at the Lady. "1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest password I've ever heard!"

The Lady: "That's the password on my luggage."

Steve/Batman turns back around and pulls up a video feed of Algiers on his monitor.



Steve/Batman turns around to the Lady. "Lady! The Glorious Leader has some destroyers in the blast radius! We just signed a peace treaty with him, we can't detonate!"

The Lady: "What have I told you about using the proper channels!!????"

Steve/Batman: "Oh right, sorry."

Steve Batman pulls up video transmission, connecting to Jesus II...

....


....


15 minutes later...

...

...


...


Steve/Batman: "Lady, I've got an incoming transmission from Norm!"

The Lady: "Go ahead Norm, you are live."

Norm: "Lady, The Glorious Leader has some destroyers in the blast radius. We just signed a peace treaty with him, we can't detonate."

The Lady: "hhhmmmmm yes, I've forseen these events. We will have to go with Plan B for now. Initiate launch sequence three-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission cuts out*
-------------------------------------------------

....



....




....


10 minutes later...


....


....


*incoming transmission from Jeeves*

Jesus II: "Hey Jeeves, can I ask you a question?"

Jeeves: "Wait, I'm supposed to be asking you a question."

Jesus II: "Come ON Jeeves!"

Jeeves: "Alright, fine what is it?"

Jesus II: "See I KNEW you were askjeeves.com!!!"

Jeeves: "For the last time Jesus II, I am not a website! Can't you see me right now??? I'm an actual living human being!!"

Jesus II: "No you're not."

Jeeves: *sighs* "Initiate launch sequence three-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission cuts out*

Jesus II: "THREE-five-zero-niner!!!???? YEEEEEEEE HAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Ride'em cowboy, let's ride this bird!!!"

Jesus II proceeds to slap the nuclear warhead he is sitting on while tossing his cowboy hat in the air. An assistant of Jesus begins pushing some buttons and the warhead moves underneath him, changing angles and pointing up... Jesus II proceeds to slide down the nuke and fall off. "What are you doing???!!!!! I thought I was gonna ride it!"

Assistant: "uuhh... you can't actually ride it Jesus II. It's a rocket, even if it was horizontal, the minute it launched you'd be thrown off it. And if you did make it, when it blows you'd be incinerated immediately."

Jesus II: "aaawwwww dang, I was really looking forward to that."

Assistant: "Really? Were you really?"

Jesus II: "oh well. Isn't 1-2-3-4-5 the stupidest password you've ever heard?"

Assistant, pushing buttons, "It's the password on my luggage..."

Meanwhile, the missle fires up and launches right behind Jesus II, knocking him to the ground.



View attachment nuke3.bmp
--------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later...

Jesus II: "Hot dang, did you see that them there blast!!?!???!!"

Assistant: "Yeah... ummm... apparently with all the discussion of nukes between the Lady and Ms. Shapiro, and then the length of time it took us to actually launch a nuke... most of the population of Istanbul and their defenders made it into their bomb shelters in time. There's a lot of fallout, but basically everyone survived and it didn't do nearly as much damage as we thought it would."

Jesus II: "Well damn, doesn't that suck!!!!! All that build up for incredibly little benefit. I'm so disappointed right now."

Assistant: "Not every story actually has a very good climax, sir."

Jesus II: "Well what fun is that??? It must have been a faulty nuke!!! Let's try it again!"

Assistant: "We are out of nukes sir."

Jesus II: "Well tell The Lady to send another one!"

Assistant: "I'll have to fill out a nuclear weapon request form and get it approved by you, Jeeves, Norm, the head of nuclear weapons and the Vice President in charge of War. Then the request will be sent to The Lady, and with proper approvals, she will advise whoever has it through the proper channels to send the nuke to us, with her 'secret' authorization code."

Jesus II: "Why did you put quotes around secret?"

Assistant: "No reason."

Jesus II: "Alright well, get started then and make it happen! And tell them I want one I can actually ride!"

Assistant: "uuh.... yes, sir...."

 

[Tigranes]

^^

How do you minimize the size of picture and make that clicable in post? I can only do it with attachments...

Let's see, what's happening in the (almost) unmodded BTS scenario when you can build a nuke in every single city.

 

[Nighthawk419]

^^

How do you minimize the size of picture and make that clicable in post? I can only do it with attachments...

Let's see, what's happening in the (almost) unmodded BTS scenario when you can build a nuke in every single city.

The pictures were attachments...

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Norm: "Ms. Shapiro has spread her mechan-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach *kick* anized Infantry in a wide net defending the hills surrounding Istanbul, outside of the radius of a nuclear blast.

As my ancestors from last century would put it:


Link to video.

Lady: "Alright then. Nuke Algiers." *transmission ends*

I find it worrying how you decide about the fate of millions on a whim, you are almost as bad as the Czar.

Norm: "It's ma'am to you. Initiate launch sequence two-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission ends*

Huh, that´s odd. That´s the same code the Czar used for everything.

Hey that´s a state secret! Besides, We recently changed it to 5-4-3-2-1, erm We mean, that´s none of anyone´s business!

Wait what, how did you enter this conversation? Shouldn´t you be dead?

Whatever do you mean, you personally sent Us here to supervise the defense of Constantinople, or was it Byzantium, remember? You even gave Us a special APC to commandeer, that one with the beautifully colored circles and the large symbols on it, even though some crétin wanted to confiscate it under the ridiculous excuse that the signs were Arabic and said "shoot me". Anyhow, don´t you dare think We would have given up Our rightful claim to the Europan throne, We just think that at the moment Our military genius is better used here side by side with Our loyal warriors.

Ah yes. Did you find time to listen to our new national anthem btw? It´s an old piece from 19th century France, because you are such a big fan of that period.

Yes, We do indeed admire the absolutist monarchs of France, which is why it is even more of an insult to prefer this lowly peasents´ howlering over Our old hymn. Whatever made you change it anyway?

Huh, I don´t know, maybe all the mentions of your name weren´t that fitting anymore?

But those were Our favorite part!

Moving on...

Jesus II: "Whatever you say. Do you remember that old website askjeeves.com? Was that you?"

*searches on the internet* Huh, sounds interesting, gotta check it out later.

Jeeves: "blablabla"
Jesus II: "blablabla"

WAIT! Jeeves and Jesus II are two different persons? Mind=blown. Whom of them did We want to give to you as a sex slave again?

The ugly one.

"1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest password I've ever heard!"

Nobody asked you about your opinion lowly serf!

He isn´t the only one giving unwanted comments you know...

Precisely, so why don´t you shut up too?

...

The Lady: "What have I told you about using the proper channels!!????"
....
15 minutes later...
...
Steve/Batman: "Lady, I've got an incoming transmission from Norm!"

OoC: Okay this thing right here made my day.

Norm: "Lady, The Glorious Leader has some destroyers in the blast radius. We just signed a peace treaty with him, we can't detonate."

Someone remind me please to send a thank-you-note to The Glorious Leader.

Indeed, We shall use him as a meatshield first and kill him last.

You don´t really grasp the concept of not killing someone at all, do you?

*vacant expression*

Yeah, that´s what I thought.

The Lady: "hhhmmmmm yes, I've forseen these events. We will have to go with Plan B for now. Initiate launch sequence three-five-zero-niner. Authorization code 1-2-3-4-5." *transmission cuts out*

Damn, We weren´t aware she had psychic powers! So that´s why she saw through Our plan to backstab her!

Wait, wasn´t nuking Istanbul Plan A and nuking Algiers Plan B?

And if you did make it, when it blows you'd be incinerated immediately."

Jesus II: "aaawwwww dang, I was really looking forward to that."

Well, We suppose it beats working as a sexslave for Cathy. HINT HINT GET IT? IT´S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE´S MY EX!

Jesus II: "oh well. Isn't 1-2-3-4-5 the stupidest password you've ever heard?"

Promise Us to not hold back with the whip.

Assistant: "Yeah... ummm... apparently with all the discussion of nukes between the Lady and Ms. Shapiro, and then the length of time it took us to actually launch a nuke... most of the population of Istanbul and their defenders made it into their bomb shelters in time. There's a lot of fallout, but basically everyone survived and it didn't do nearly as much damage as we thought it would."

Well, I suppose that´s good news for us.

Assistant: "Not every story actually has a very good climax, sir."

Story of our sex live. *mocks His Excellency* HINT HINT GET IT? IT´S FUNNY BECAUSE HE´S MY EX!

... You are soooooooo immature Cathy.

Jesus II: "Well what fun is that???

Really? Nuking is fun? How can someone possibly be that dismissive of his fellow human beings?
*looks at His Excellency*
Nevermind.

And tell them I want one I can actually ride!

Well, as per Our original peace offer...

Oh no I am so not letting you finish that one.
*cuts His Excellency´s feed off*
Aaaaaaaaanyhow let´s reevaluate the situation and analyze what exactly firing this nuke has done for you:
You wasted production you could have better used elsewhere.
You did enough damage to drive our people into a patriotic franzy, but not enough to demoralize them.
Our relative military powers remain nearly unchanged.
The Glorious Leader and Mr. Big will probably rethink their relations to you, as you showed that you are crazy enough to use nukes but have none left atm.
Your people recognize you as the maniacial despot you truly are.

Tell me, is there a single benefit nuking Istanbul has brought you? I at least can´t find any.

So, negotiations?

OoC: Did you all actually read the backstories and such of our civs and play this scenario in SP? In my current game ( as The Lady, know thy enemy ) there was a nuclear meltdown in Moscow in turn 6 or so. Normally I don´t build any Nuclear Power Plants and in this scenario a Coal- or Hydroplant is normally one of my first builds in the cities that have them, but with the total war situation I am faced with here atm I couldn´t find time for that yet.

 

[Eclipse4449]

Sent to Imp. Knoedel

The Lady Nuked His Excellency's Istanbul? 1000s of years of Chaos in the Middle East and nothing changes only the weapons get bigger. This attempted Attrocity will probably not be overlooked