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Personal relationships ( when do you let people in?)

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Laughing Gull, Jan 6, 2004.

  1. Laughing Gull

    Laughing Gull charts, graphs, databases

    Dec 12, 2002
    Southern California, U.S.A.
    The title of this topic is a question that I feel I have neglected to ask myself and completely answer throughout my 27-year career as a human being. As one who is in constant awe of everyone else here (both positive and negative), I felt I should present some of these questions that I have difficulty answering to what I like to call The Great Mind Collective:

    ( in need other perspectives, honesty; difficult questions, please answer...)

    Do you have a lot of friends?

    How do you define a quality friendship?

    How do you define selfish?

    Are you a selfish person?

    How do you define trust, and at what point does someone gain your trust?

    Would you ever share your darkest secrets with anyone, and if so, do you need to trust them (by your definition) first before doing so?
  2. andrewgprv

    andrewgprv Second Class Citizen

    May 28, 2002
    Idaho Falls, USA
    Yes, but most of them live in Salt Lake City. Since I've moved to Idaho and been in a serious relationship I havn't tried making new friends. I havn't really wanted to.
    Anyone with whom you enjoy the company of each other on a regular basis. You could share your intimitate emotions and rely on each other. Or you could just hang out and drink some beers. Doesn't matter as long as both of you like being together.
    Selfishness is when you either do not consider the feelings and well-being of others or you don't care about the feelings and well-being of others.
    I can be at times, everyone can; but for the most part I am not a selfish person.
    Trust is anytime you allow someone the ability to hurt you. I am a very trusting person, usually people have my trust be default and they can only lose it.
    I have shared my darkest secrets with more then one person. I believe secrets really don't do you any good. If you are keeping something secret then you feel guilty or are ashamed of something. Shame and Guilt are never healthy to carry around. Secrets are nasty I try not to keep them.
  3. Archer 007

    Archer 007 Rebirth

    May 14, 2002
    The Empire State of the South
    I have lots of friends.

    I define a good friend as someone you can trust and always has your back.

    I dont consider myself selfish.

    I trust most of my closest friends.

    I share secrets with a select few.
  4. Loaf Warden

    Loaf Warden (no party affiliation)

    Jan 5, 2001
    Alaska Grown, currently Outside
    As I define friendship, no.

    In a 'quality', mature, friendship, you have a much stronger bond than simply enjoying the same amusements. A good friend is someone with whom you can be honest about personal matters and trust they will not use the information to betray you. You are able to share your emotions with them without fear of ridicule, and they can share theirs with you without being ridiculed.

    Selfishness is putting the desires and feelings of yourself above the desires and feelings of others. It doesn't necessarily mean you don't care about others; it simply means that you see to your own self before you give regard to others.

    Generally, no. I'd be lying if I said I'm incapable of selfishness, but under normal circumstances I am not selfish.

    I cannot improve upon andrewgprv's definition of trust as granting someone else the ability to hurt you, except perhaps to add, "while believing that they will not do it." After all, if you believe they will hurt you, but you let them anyway, I wouldn't call that trust. Depending on the circumstances, I would say that was anything from resigned acceptance to pure masochism. But not trust.

    I am far too cynical a person to give trust easily. I usually assume, until I get to know them better, that most people have selfish motives and will not look out for me. Thus I protect myself from being hurt by not giving them what they need to hurt me. It takes time and a lot of interaction before someone can truly earn my trust. And if they betray me once, it's nearly impossible for them to gain my trust back.

    I would, but there would have to be a lot of trust first. I find it very hard to let go and just tell someone my secrets, because in the back of my mind there's always a voice reminding me that however much you may trust someone, you can never have absolute certainty that they won't betray you.
  5. Sarevok

    Sarevok Civ3 Scenario Creator

    Dec 27, 2002
    Vancouver, WA
    no, and I dont really give a damn.

    Someone who I can trust without risk of betrayal. The one I can trust is a good person, but the one who betrays me... dies.

    Someone who only really cares for themselves and anything about themselves, not about anyone else.


    Trust is the ablilty for me to believe that one will ont betray me under any circumstances. To get this is nearly impossible, but it does happen occasionally.

    I rarely would share such things, and only the most trusted of freinds would ever know.
  6. ShiplordAtvar

    ShiplordAtvar Texan by the grace of God

    Jan 7, 2003
    Bell County, TX
    I don't have a whole lot of friends, I'm the sort that will let a friendship die off quickly unless I'm in regular physical contact with the friend. I'm a bastard like that.

    A quality friendship is one in which there is a high degree of amicability and an even higher degree of trust. Friends watch out for each other. They don't stab each other in the back.

    Selfish is a term used to describe one whose first priority is themself, especially in situations where the rest of their society dictates placing priority on others.

    I am on occassion a selfish person. I don't like giving up the TV or the computer with 'net connection to my family. That's about it, though, and its not like I throw a tantrum when my dad boots me off the computer.

    Trust is another way of indicating ones confidence that somebody will do what is asked of them. Somebody gains my trust when they have proved themselves able to keep their word to me on progressively more important topics. Just as one can gain my trust, they can also lose it. Witness my ex girlfriend. I used to trust the ***** with any and everything, now I can't trust her to add two and two and come up with four.

    Yes I would share my darkest secrets with other people, and I would have to trust them not to tell anyone without my prior consent.
  7. Simon Darkshade

    Simon Darkshade Mysterious City of Gold

    Apr 8, 2001
    Daisy Hill Puppy Farm
    1.)No, I am beyond such things. I have a wide circle of acquaintances and many comrades, but not friends.

    2.) I do not, given the disinterest in such matters outlined above.

    3.) A focus upon the desires and wants of oneself to the negative impact of the wider needs and desires of others and the larger group.

    4.) I am a river to my people.

    5.) Trust is the sound of death. No one ever gains my full trust, or even an iota of it. They simply gain when necessary what is necessary.

    6.) He that would keep a secret should keep it secret that he has a secret to keep.
  8. Mario Feldberg

    Mario Feldberg Emperor

    Jul 23, 2002
    Reich Inc.
    No. I'm too old for that already (friends were cool in high-school but that's over). It's a family tradition kinda. Both my father and my grandfather didn't really have "friends". I mean non-family members who spend a lot of time with them. That was mainly because all their free time was dedicated to their wifes / family. I guess I inherited that. I prefer being together with my girl / my family.
  9. lord_byron_nz

    lord_byron_nz Gimme some money

    Dec 17, 2002
    I have learnt from my MSN groups that I have three groups of friends: Those in my hometown, those who I go to college with and lived with all last year and those on the natioanl fencing circuit whom I see for 5-6 weekends a year. Between them I have quite a few :)

    A quality friendship is when you feel comforatble being yourself around someone. When you don't feel constricted acting in a way that may not be popular, when you can say anything and do (almost anything) and your freind doesn't care. Also, when you genuinly miss your freind when they're not there.

    Selfish is when your freinds exsist purely as means to better your life and not in a give and take relationship. When you can't stop talking about your life and take no notice of anythihin they say

    Everyone is from time to time. I try genuinly hard to be a good freind and hope my freinds appreciate it. I know I appreciate them.

    You trust someone when you feel confident lending them money or your car or anything else knowing that they could take off with it and never return. I trust some people a lot more than others but that is the basic defintion of trust.

    Generally not...I'm quite a private person and feel awkward sharing intimate details of my life but there are two or three people I would feel confident talking to. One of the main reasons I ended the rtelationship with my girlfreind was that we didn't have this level of trust, which to me is vital in a romantic relationship.

  10. bobgote

    bobgote Trousers

    Apr 14, 2002
    Melbourne, VIC
    I have a few, but i would say i have enough :)

    three necessary qualities: honesty, trust, loyalty. Someone I can safely tell anything. I have probably 3 people who I would call a "friend" in this sense.

    Someone who thinks only of themself, and more so when it is to the detriment of other people.

    Not at all.

    Trust is a concept very difficult to define, but I think everyone has the same idea of what it is. Theres something about knowing that whatever you tell them, it will stay with them. Safe. It takes a while before someone earns my trust.

    I would share such secrets or whatever, but yes, I would need to trust them.
  11. polymath

    polymath Tleilaxu Mentat

    Nov 26, 2001
    Up there
    Do you have a lot of friends?
    Nope - I have a few very good friends, I do not really go in for 'casual friends'. I get on pretty well with most people, but they are not 'friends'.

    How do you define a quality friendship?
    Primarily there must be a parity of intellect, status, and common interest. I reckon you need 2 out of those 3.

    How do you define selfish?
    Making decisions detrimental to the well being of others purely for personal benefit.

    Are you a selfish person?
    No, I'm not really a selfish person. I try to be considerate of others where possible. Sometimes I am selfish, but it's not normal for me.

    How do you define trust, and at what point does someone gain your trust?
    Trust is believing someone will not take actions detrimental to your wellbeing.

    Would you ever share your darkest secrets with anyone, and if so, do you need to trust them (by your definition) first before doing so?
    No. We must have some secrets, darling.
  12. WickedSmurf

    WickedSmurf pr0

    Jun 10, 2003


    I don't.

    Of course.

    I don't like definitions. There is no good way in which to describe when someone gain/loose my trust. It varies.

    My closest friends know everything and probably more about me.
  13. Xen

    Xen Magister

    Feb 10, 2003
    depends, my most accounts yes, I have a ton of them, but in my eyes they in several groups, mainy depending on how close they are to me, of the closest cataogry I have perhaps 5 such friends whom I feel I can trust with anything, the lower the 'rank" the more people there are, but all in all, yes, I have alot of them
    depends really, knowing a person, and getting along with them is enough to make them a mere friend, but it is trust, and comradeship, and a willingness to put there own needs on par with even your own that makes a true friendship, but these are rather rare, thus my ranking for frienships...
    selfishness is the outtion you own needs not to the forefront of your agenda (or rather,perhaps that is a lesser form) but rather to the exclusion of all others needs
    I can be, but far more often then not I'm not
    trust is that feelign that you can vest your innermost secrets, and feeling into somone, and you can be safe, the feelign you have when you know that the person you feel such a way about will not truelly judge you oj what you tell them, and will aid you in your tiome of need, it is the feeling of closeness beyond most, a feeling of divine loyalty between comrads
    yes, I would share soem of them, if not all of them with those several friends I truelly trust, but as you can imagine, of thos friends i have few, and wish to keep it few besides, for true friends were meant to have in great numbers,m for they are somthing special, to treasure, and to protect- for that is one fo the bonds of the true friendship
  14. funxus

    funxus Orange Cycloptic Blob

    Apr 6, 2002
    Where you wish to be!
    I'd like to know more people, but, although they are not more than 7, I'm fine with my group of close friends.

    A friend is someone I regularly spend time with/call for no specific reason.

    I don't really have a definition of selfish, I believe that most things we do is for ourself, if only just to feel good about helping someone. Some people are more self-centered than others though.

    I guess I'm a little selfish, but it depends on what's at stake...

    I trust people, unless they prove they aren't worthy of it (only happened to a few people, who I weren't close to anyway). I don't trust kids though, but that's because I seldom know how mature they are, which I expect people of 14+ to be.

    Dark secrets, I don't know if I really have any. I only have one person who'd I feel comfortable to tell all secrets/sensitive information, but otherwise I go case by case.
  15. hawai_74

    hawai_74 mac über alles

    Aug 5, 2003
    It dipend what is "lot of friends". For me ten friends is a lot, 5 is better, so i have a lot friends


    selfish is a person who live only for his safety, interests

    In a way, yes

    the basis of all relation/i dont know

  16. Desmond Hawkins

    Desmond Hawkins Deity

    Aug 8, 2002
    I have few friends (good ones though they are), but a great many aquaintances.
  17. cgannon64

    cgannon64 BOB DYLAN'S ROCKIN OUT!

    Jun 19, 2002
    Hipster-Authorland, Brooklyn (Hell)
    I guess so. I mean I'm on a friendly basis with many people. I'd say my real good friends are a smaller number though, like 6 or 7 people. I'm happy with that though.

    A quality friendship is someone who doesn't bore you. Someone who can make you laugh and make anything interesting just by conversation. Shared interest is also good, but not necessary.

    Someone who hurts others for their own benefit.

    I guess not. Unless you count making fun of certain kids (which would fit my above definition I guess) but they just ask for it. :p

    Trust is being able to tell someone something that is embarrassing. Someone gains my trust simply be seeming like they would - or if they trust me.

    Right now I probably wouldn't. I have good friends but no one I would tell really embarassing or negative stuff too. But yes, I would need to trust someone first.
  18. da_greatest

    da_greatest deity

    Feb 20, 2002
    I'll divide my friends into 3 groups.
    1st Group- my closest friends- there are 7 people that I usually do stuff with every weekend. I would consider 3 of those people my best friends. The people in the first group I usually talk to every time I see them.
    2nd Group- the people in this group are friends, but I usually don't get together with them unless there is something to do. About 15 people in this group. When I see them in the hall I say hi, but don't always talk to them. If they call my cell I will pick up.
    3rd Group- this is the group with a lot of people. Since most of my close friends don't take honors classes, I have 5 or 6 people in each class that would fit into this group. These people I talk to, but don't do much stuff with away from school. If they call my cell phone I'll only answer if I feel like talking to them.
    The 3 groups could also be divided into what they would do if I was in a fight. All of the people in the first group would back me up without me asking. Some of the people in the second group would probably help me without asking but I think all of them would if I asked them to. The people in the third group aren't as dependable. I know some of the would back me up if asked them but I bet most of them would just watch.

    I only included people that go to my school. I also know quite a few people from parties, that I would put in the second group. I also have friends on my soccer team. Half would be in the second group and half in the third.

    People that you can trust. These people you get together with even if there's nothing to do.
    Someone who cares only about themself.
    Not really.
    People gain my trust after being with me for a while. They can gain my trust if they don't do anything very mean to me.
    Yes, I would share any secret with my 3 closest friends.
  19. Mr. Cackle

    Mr. Cackle Cacklin' since '95

    Sep 29, 2003
    New York, New York
    Do you have a lot of friends?[b/]
    Not sure what quantifies as "a lot" I have 4 main friends, then 4 or 5 other friends who kind of rotate as being a "main friend"

    How do you define a quality friendship?[b/]
    One in which if I do something and everyone views it the wrong way then this "quality friend" would see it for what it truly is and would forgive me.

    How do you define selfish?[b/]
    One who refuses to leave their "zone of comfort" (i.e. their wealth) and venture out into the unknown and reach those in need.

    Are you a selfish person?[b/]
    I generally try to help everyone, even those I strongly hate. I am generally a forgiving person and wounds inflicted on me will heal quite quickly unless those wounds are constantly re-opened, in which case I may develop these life-long grudges which are very hard to get over.

    How do you define trust, and at what point does someone gain your trust?[b/]
    Trust is knowing that a person will make rational decisions and put your welfare ahead of their actions and desires.

    Would you ever share your darkest secrets with anyone, and if so, do you need to trust them (by your definition) first before doing so?[b/]

    I would never share my darkest secrets with anyone. I have many painful secrets that I keep buried for fear that if I reveal them I will only cause more pain. Thus, I tend to keep to myself.
  20. Shadylookin

    Shadylookin master debater

    Oct 12, 2002
    eternal damnation

    i'm sociable to many, but as far as real friends only a couple i'd say. At least i don't have any enemies(too my knowledge)

    someone i could talk to in a one on one conversation, and we could talk about something deeper than who's the best team in a certain sport/typical polite conversation

    a person who manipulates people, and does anything to try and improve his position. Also someone who won't share. I don't see selfishness to be like black and white though there are many shades of grey in there.

    I'll give a couple bucks to someone who forgot there lunch money, and i will give my spare change as a donation if we have one at school. but i won't go to leaps of selflessness for people.

    someone you believe will not harm you and will work with your best interests. trust is gained depending on monetary value. i'll trust almost anyone with a quarter i loaned them, but something like my life(which i believe has an extremely high monetary value) you'd have to do a lot of stuff.

    no, if you want something to be secrete it's best to keep it one by not giving it out. people typically think it's ok to tell it to one person, but then that one person thinks it's ok to tell a friend who he trust. and he will tell a friend he trust and so on and so on.

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