I'm sorry; saying "the plot sucks because it's the exact same plot as AvP" was the wrong way to phrase it. Starbucks was closing, so I had to rush things. A better way to say it would have been "It has the exact same plot as AvP, except way worse, as if you had handed the AvP script off to the writers of Revenge of the Fallen and asked them to make it a half-hour longer by adding nonsensical cul-de-sacs and plot threads that go nowhere"
Here are some of the worst plot elements:
- The entire "Darwin was wrong" angle. I'm sorry, but if the premise of your whole movie is "Darwin was wrong", then you'll need to back it up with something slightly more convincing than "Darwin was wrong, now look at the pretty CGI"
- "The mural is changing!" Excuse me, but what mural? I just see some walls that look as though someone sprayed really bad explosive diarrhea all over the place. And we never find out why the diarrhea walls change into other walls that also look like diarrhea, nor does the wall-changing effect actually figure into the plot or the alien biology or anything else whatsoever in any way.
- The entire "let's bring the Space jockey head aboard our ship. Oh crap, it just exploded" plot thread. The characters never learn anything about the Space Jockeys by bringing the head aboard, and we never even find out why it explodes. The insistence on bringing it aboard does set up the movie's first real action sequence, which involves a storm of golfball-sized rocks and possibly a flying cow a la Twister
, but nothing is really at stake in this scene because we haven't gotten to know any of the characters at this point, nor would knowing anything about them make a difference because we can't tell who's who because they're all in identical spacesuits. Hell, we can't even tell what's happening or whether or not anyone is dying because everything is obscured by the damn rock storm. Seriously, everything about the severed head and the rock storm could have been removed from the script and it wouldn't have affected anything.
- The cobra things. Where do they come from? What do they do after entering a person's mouth? Are they native to the planet, or some stage of the monsters' lifecycle? We never find out how they fit into anything, and their only purpose in the movie is to kill off two characters who were totally useless to begin with. One of those two characters even goes through the trouble of saying that he's a useless addition to the expedition
due to being a geologist in a movie that isn't Dante's Peak
- Speaking of which, the character who admits to being useless later shows up as a zombie for no apparent reason. I'm absolutely not kidding. The characters are like, "hey, where'd that useless guy go? Let's go look for him. Oh crap, he's a zombie! Kill him!" So they kill the zombie geologist, and... go back to doing whatever they were doing before they decided to go looking for him. This whole scene could have been left on the cutting room floor and you'd never have known that anything was missing, and with no zombie geologist to explain, you can safely get rid of everything involving the geologist, the cobras, and... whoever that other guy was who wanted to play with the alien cobras because he has apparently never watched monster movies.
- The entire plot thread with the android bringing an alien pod aboard the ship and slipping something into one of the human characters' drinks, which leads to another human character giving birth via C-section to the space squid seen in the "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" music video. In the case of the Nostromo, the android's orders were clear: ensure that the alien gets to Earth alive, preferably delivered into the hands of Weyland-Yutani bio-weapons people. On the Prometheus, however, the android's mission turns out to be "help Mr. Weyland talk to the Space Jockeys so he can live forever". So why does he infect the crew? Not only does that have nothing to do with his mission, but it DIRECTLY ENDANGERS his mission. And how does he even know what's inside the pods or how to open them? Even if we assume that he must have somehow picked that up from wiping sparkly digital magical alien snot all over those Space Jockey control panels, this still doesn't explain why the infection has one set of effects on the initially infected human (the consequences of which are never revealed because he dies before the infection can run its course) and a completely different effect on his girlfriend. I'd say that this plot thread goes nowhere, but that wouldn't be true; it actually sets up the means by which the movie kills off a Space Jockey that we already assumed was dead
. So, in other words, it's still totally useless.
- Why is Mr. Weyland even in
this movie, anyway? He does nothing. You could cut his whole character out of the movie and just have the android waking up the Space Jockey and getting decapitated, and nothing would change. What's worse is that, instead of getting an actual old person
to play him, Ridley Scott got the fortysomething Guy Pearce and then put him at the mercy of Hollywood makeup artists who have apparently never seen an actual old person, so he ends up looking more like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly