Semi-Dirty Jokes From My Math Teacher!

[cgannon64]

My math teacher has been telling us semi-dirty jokes over the past week. I was amazed when he did. Here is one, from today:

There is a 500 pound man. He was unpopular, no women liked him. He won the lottery, $100 million. The first thing he did was call up the Playboy Mansion and invite them all over to his house, for a party. Then he went to a doctor, and told the doctor, "Doc. You have to make me 150 pounds in a week." The doctor gives the man lyposuction. The man comes out of the surgery, steps on a scale, and sees he weights 150 pounds. The problem is that the man has all his skin left, and its drooping down over his ankles. The man says: "Doc! You have to fix this! I have party in a week!" The doctor says. "Don't worry, it will fix itself in a few weeks. But, if you want it done now, I can do this:" The doctor pulls the man's skin up and ties in in a knot around his head. "Wear a hat, you'll be fine." So the man goes to the party, and he is talking and laughing with the Playmates. One of them asks him: "What is that hole in your farhead?" The man responds: "Forget that, do you like my bowtie?"

I'll post more if I remember them.

CG

 

[cgannon64]

Two more I remember:

-->What do you call a Runningback who's spent 5 years in jail? A wide receiver...

-->There is a Jewish circumcistion doctor. (Uh Oh...) He keeps all of the...er...results of his job in a jar. His wife always tells him: "Those are gross and useless, throw them out!" The doctor replies that someday he will find a use from them. One day, when walking down the street, he sees a store that says: "We can do anything!" The Jewish doctor goes home, gets his jar, and goes into the store. He tells the man in the store: "If you can do something with these, I'll give you $1000. The man tells him to wait and come back tomorrow. The doctor returns the next day, and the man hands him a wallet. The doctor responds: "A wallet?" The man replies: "Rub it. It turns into a suitcase."



CG

 

[tonberry]

You have a funny teacher.

 

[cgannon64]

Originally posted by tonberry
You have a funny teacher.

He also makes some funny, but inappropiate, racial comments. For example: There is a Korean student in my school. One day, he asked him: "Do you speak Chinese? No. Japanese? No. Korean? No. Vietnamese? No. Then what the hell do you speak!"

Another racist comment: A black boy in my class, my friend, was asking my for some Skittles. My teacher walked by, and he saw me refusing, and he said: "Give him some Skittles! He is a starving African boy, he hasn't eaten in 12 years!"

I think he meant those in a goodnatured way, but sometimes he goes slightly over the top...

CG

 

[Dominix]

Boy, I never thought I'd ever see a dirty math joke, until this:

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. She tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, "Was she still convergent?" He decided to integrate properly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative that he was bent on no good.

"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said, "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh sir," she protested, "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."

"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "let's go to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.

"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heaviside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to l'Hôpital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

 

[napoleon526]

Here's another math joke (shudder):

Once there was a horse that was so smart, he could do math. His owner gave him an arithmetic book, and the next day he could successfully sovle basic problems. The owner then gives the horse an algebra book. Again, the horse learns to do algebra. Then the owner gives the horse a trigonometry book. But no matter how many times the horse reads the book, he can't figure out how to solve trigonometic equations.

It just goes to show: You should never put DeCartes in front of the horse.

 

[cgannon64]

Another dirty joke from my math teacher that I remember:

Why is 1 the sluttiest number? It goes into everything.

CG

 

[Rout]

My A level maths teacher told us a 'maths joke' one day but nobody got it because it involved something about 'imaginary numbers' which is degree level stuff. I seem to remember it involved a phonecall and the operator telling the caller to rotate the phone through 90 degrees and dial again. Anyone out there know it/able to explain??

 

[napoleon526]

i, the imaginary number, is the square root of zero. Zero has no square root, but using i you can solve equations. Imaginary numbers are represented as 2i, 3i, 4i, etc.

 

[tpasmall]

Imaginary numbers are degree level stuff? We did those in 10th grade....

 

[cgannon64]

Originally posted by napoleon526
i, the imaginary number, is the square root of zero. Zero has no square root, but using i you can solve equations. Imaginary numbers are represented as 2i, 3i, 4i, etc.

Other types of imaginary numbers are the square roots of negative numbers, as they naturally can not have a square root.

CG

 

[Zero-Tau]

Originally posted by napoleon526
i, the imaginary number, is the square root of zero. Zero has no square root, but using i you can solve equations. Imaginary numbers are represented as 2i, 3i, 4i, etc.

Actually, the square root of zero is zero. The number i is the square root of -1.

 

[Perfection]

My math teacher uses lots of puns but isn't nearly as funny.

 

[Rout]

I think that the imaginary numbers are the square roots of negatives. I think the joke comes from a practice of imagining the number sequence to be at 'right angles'to the natural number sequence, with root0 at the origin, hence - harbloodyhar - rotating the phone 90 degrees.

 

[gr8ful wes]

Hate to be a prude here, and will confess to not reading the jokes yet(but I will) The thread alarmed me. I am aware of several teachers from my school district who have been fired/suspended recently for innapropriate actions with students. Years ago there was a teacher who always had a dirty joke for the lads. He was eventually found to be a real perv, having "affairs" with several boys. Anyway...

 

[Lt. 'Killer' M.]

I'll add my favorite math joke:

'ha, you littel function, ffear me, I am dx!' - 'LOL, you don't scare me at all, I am f(y)!'

 

[G-Man]

What is "dx" really? Our teacher told us to put it there but refused to tell us why....

 

[Hitro]

I am my favourite math joke...

Originally posted by Zero-Tau
Actually, the square root of zero is zero. The number i is the square root of -1.

Yeah, now that was actually funny.

Originally posted by G-Man
What is "dx" really? Our teacher told us to put it there but refused to tell us why....

Our teacher at school told us the same.
Well, they have a point of course as it has no practical value if you integrate over just one variable. But if you have more than one (for example x and y, like f(x,y)= x + y) it tells you "over which" (no idea how to say that in English) variable you have to integrate, in case of "dx" it would be x. In that case y would be seen as a constant.

 

[IceBlaZe]

Imaginary numbers are the square roots of Negative numbers, for example if you need the Square root of -6, it is sqrt(-6) which is also sqrt(6)*sqrt(-1) which is 6i, etc etc..

 

[BCLG100]

well my maths teacher was a bit weird we were doign fractions and suddenly he started going on about bottoms then just stood there for a couple of minutes in a dazed state