Potato chips, french fries, diet coke; all of these minor household dangers pale in comparaison to the most lethal and, unfortunately, delicious snack food ever to be concocted by the terrorists who secretly control the food industry and are bent on destroying our beloved way of life. It is, of course, the PRETZEL.
The pretzel is a master of disguise. Upon first inspection, it seems to be merely baked dough covered with salt. However, upon being ingested, the pretzel splits into many sharp, jagged pieces, of which at least one will lodge itself in the trachea of its victim. This cuts off the victim's air supply, dooming the unwitting snacker to a slow, painful, and sodium-rich death.
If we are to truly protect ourselves and the countries we hold dear, more people must recognize the dangers that pretzels (and those who would use them to destroy us) pose to the free world. Only a few short weeks ago, America's beloved president, George W. Bush, was the victim of one of these pretzel attacks. By the grace of God he survived, and for several days he could be seen wearing a bandage over the wound he sustained while defiantly coughing and hacking against the pretzel stuck in his throat. Let us all take the president's experience to heart, and may the pretzel chunk of international terrorism never clog up the esophogas of American strength and unity, causing the horrific asphyixiation of our great country.
God bless America.
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