The Conquest of Justinian: The Tale of Byzantium

[Moai_Spammer]

hey everyone, if you all are wondering when an updates happening... it's happening tomorrow
if your wondering why i have been updating, i've been at my grandma's house for like 3 days and just got back (it's a shame really, i missed out on brony-con but anyhoo...) so yeah, expact an update tomorrow

yours truly- Moai_Spammer


ps:

 

[Moai_Spammer]

better late than never eh? after i did the siddhartha update and clicked post, a number of things happened:
1:I suddenly had an urge to read about the October Revolution
2: My laptop was like "YOUR BATTERY HATES YOU, YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS TO FIND A CHARGER"
3:I realized i should take control of mongolia, and conquer the world, so mongolia would no longer be landlocked
4:I realized where me RD plushie was
5:That i had genghis kai's GEM mod!talk about hours of epic polish action

and all that stuff happened to me at once

but enough about communist polish mongolian plush laptop ponies, let's UPDATE!!!

As justinian gazed from the hagia sophia, he saw a fracking large SoD belonging to teh turks
His response as recorded by historians was:

Spoiler :

Justinian prepared for the worst as mehmed the II marched his SoD to siege constantinop- WHAT?!? THEY DIDN'T DO IT!WOOHOO! IMA GO HANG WITH SIDDHARTHA NOW (now you know how justinian got there )

The plague has begun...

Here is where the empire of nicaea is born!

*sob* ankyra was one of my best towns! *sob*

Well... I guess i'm western rome now?

Eww... lotsa plague everywhere!

EWW!!! I GOT PLAGUE OOZE ON MY SAMITCH!

Well... i guess it's time to pull a stalin

That's it. I'm moving to equestria. BYE BYE PLAUGUE HELLO PONEHS!

Spoiler :

The mayans called
They want their apocalypse back

Spoiler :

yup, i made ya look

 

[mrrandomplayer]

Yes! Princess Bride references!

 

[The Diocletian]

What do you plan to do about the Ottos?

 

[Moai_Spammer]

 

[The Diocletian]

Just letting you know, Cataphracts vs. Janissaries is a losing proposition. How you plan to win a war against them ought to be interesting. It's quite curious they didn't siege Constantinople. I thought the Ottos auto-declare when the spawn on Byzantine lands.

Good luck, though.

 

[Moai_Spammer]

i too wonder what mehmed was thinking, constantinople was such a juicy target...

maybe he saw the giant statue we had put up in ankyra...

...legend says that king siddhartha of the equestrian cult of lumbini even came to ankyra too see it

 

[Moai_Spammer]

everyone... i have bad new...

Spoiler :

i have lost all of my civ 4 screenshots, so i guess this story is dead, but fear not! i will restart this, for the glory of justinian!

 

[baseballpie]

Shut. Down. Everything.

 

[Moai_Spammer]

correction, re.start.everything

 

[Moai_Spammer]

greetings everyone/everyalien/everypony/everygiantsingingfrog

i have some good and bad news

good news:

Spoiler :

I will restart this story once again, long live justinian

bad news:

Spoiler :

I'm afraid that siddhartha died when they universe imploded(i.e. i had to uninstall civ 4 and i forgot to back up all my save files and that i'm too lazy to recreate the perfect tale of the glorious indian empire.

also...

Spoiler :

500 POST!!!

 

[Moai_Spammer]

Hello everyone!

Welcome back to a tale of... mis-shapen proportions!
before we start(again) some info about the story from this moment on.

Spoiler :

I.I'm using a different mod for this now. it is a 35 civ earth map with the goal of balancing continents (ie, new civs like the apache and australia) that for some reason has byzantium replace greece. i'm a byzantiphile, so i don't really need no stinking greece !
II.This is going to be a historical comedy narrative so...

Spoiler :

The current cast:
Constantinople:The random citizen that names the capital and later becomes a military adivsor
Kinkaz: The head advisor
Mr.Random: Advisor of Imperial Parties
Moai_Spammer:Narrator
Byzas:Noob who starts the empire
Justinian: Guy who overthrows byzas after turn 1
Corporal Hitler: The starting warrior who we try our hardest to kill
Siddhartha: Some random pony loving hobo
Q:Science Advisor
Data: Co-Science advisor
Discord:Governor of Anatolia(if we settle it)
Amingo Montoya: You killed his father, prepare to die!

if anyone wants to join just say so and i will find you a spot(you can also tell me who you want to be )
III. here are some pics of teh mod and the set up screen

but anyhoo, up up and away!
=============================
Q:Captains log,Stardate 3469[], We recently found a random bunch of hobos from two planets called Ponyland and Civfanatics. One claims to be a byzantine king and another one keeps on saying "PONIES PONIES PONIES BUDDHA PONIES!".
Siddhartha: Kill the Chinese Zealots!
Justinian: I can has Imperium Romanorum?
Constantinople: What do you call a vampire who's car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A CAB!
Q:will you guys shut up!
Data: Sir, we have found another planet to drop these idiots off at.
Q:Excellent!
Corporal Hitler: NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!*spills drink on control panel*
Q:You imbecile! Now were going to crash
Kinkaz:
Corporal Hitler:
*after they crashed*
Amingo Montoya: Oh no! that space ship just crashed into my father!
Q:Ugh... wait! I'm alive!
...
Q:AND STRANDED ON A DISTANT PLANET WITH IDIOTS!
Amingo Montoya: My name is amingo montoya, you killed my father, prepare to di- wait, nevermind my father is over there
Justinian: I hereby make you imperial advisor of references mr. montoya!
Amingo Montoya: YAY!
And that's how our tale begins...

Justinian: Alright, who wants to name our capital
Constantinople:Oooo! ME ME ME ME ME!
Justinian:fine...
Constantinople:I shall name it... Constantinople!

Q: alright, you guys need a leader, you can't just spend your life watching ponies and playing civ!
But why not...
Q: Who are you?
I'm Moai_Spammer, but you can call me The narrator
Q:Ok then, but who should lead us?
Byzas: I guess i will
Justinian: WHAT! I should be leading us!
Siddhartha: Ponies ponies ponies buddha stupa war ger mong mong ger ger war ponies!
(translation: but i want to lead us so that we can kill all the heretical heathens...)
Discord: Why can't i lead us
Q: Because your my other dimensional counter part who, in your realm, is the god of chaos! how about this... you can be the governor of anatolia, because anatolia is the most crazy place on earth!
Because of all the turks, seljuks, hittites, assyrians, mongols, romans, sassanids, persians, greeks byzantines, etc. etc. etc.
Justinian: Fine byzas can lead us
*breaks fourth wall and looks directly at reader*
For now
Q: now that that's settled, corporal hitler, because everyone hates you go explore some random place and die to a lion or something, ok?
Corporal Hitler: Ok

Will hitler and byzans die? or will one of them live? or maybe both!
Find out next time on... whatever the title of this story is(i forgot )

 

[baseballpie]

I feel left out . But if you do want to include me, I am Eipesab Lab.

 

[Moai_Spammer]

i hereby dub you, Eipesab Lab, Governor of The Middle East (or whatever we conquer of it)

 

[baseballpie]

Yipee!

 

[constantinople]

Ooh, a reason to sub.
Since I'm listening to the Beatles, it's time to use a pun Moai Spammer used earlier:
We all live in a yellow submarine.

 

[mrrandomplayer]

I don't get any lines in the first chapter!

 

[Moai_Spammer]

that's because justinian hires you in the second one silly

 

[Moai_Spammer]

Hello everyone! welcome back to our Hip Hoppity odyssey!
Wiki wiki word!
In story moai spammer, will you stop breaking the 4th wall!
but how else will i get supplies to build a tardis
how about ebay?
pfft, i'll just BUY a tardis off ebay
well....ok!
=====================================
Justinian: Alright, it's been a turn, can i overthrow byzas now narrator?
sure
Justinian: Okay, just let me get my friends together for the coup
5 minutes later
Mr.Random:hey guys look! i finally get some lines!
Discord:*sips tea*
Constantinople: Let's Konquer everyone else and then begin a reign in spain !
Eipesab: Yo dawg, i heard you like the euphrates, so we added some tigris to your euphrates!*holds up a sign that says 'laugh'*
Amingo Montoya: Has anyone seen a six fingered man around here recently?
Siddharthaonies!
Corporal Hitler: How much did the holla cost, yo!
Civ 2 military advisor:BUILD CITY WALLS!
Civ 3 trade advisor: *insert complaint here*
Justinian: Now that i have all my friends here, oh and hitler
Hitler: so i'm not your friend
Justinian: nope, but you can be my advisor of memes and parodies
Hitler:Yay!
Justinian:Okay, now, when i gain control of the state, you guys will become:

Spoiler :

MrRandom:Imperial Advisor of Parties
Constantinople:Military advisor
Civ 2 military advisor:Advisor of yelling
Eipesab:Advisor of Culture
Civ 3 Trade advisor: Advisor of Whining
Amingo:Advisor of references
Siddhartha: Advisor of ponies
Kinkaz:Head advisor
Discord: Advisor of Chaos

Justinian:Oh, and if you were a governor of anything already, you stay a governor of that.
-----------------------------
Siddhartha: Hey Hey everybody, were here to shout that the magic of justinian is what it's all about and we thought we were*shot*
*Blows on revolver like a cowboy* No Equestria Girls references siddhartha, i thought we agreed that it never happend!
Siddhartha:...helping justinian win the crown...
*shot again*
Justinian: hmm... hitler, can you sing the exact something as siddhartha did please?
Hitler:NEIN!
Justinian:fine... ok, everyone! overthrow byzas and make me your leader!
Theodora: Why should we listen to you, you disgrace of a byzantine emperor!
Justinian:I love you too, honey bunny
Hitler: What if i burn down the reichstagbyzas's palace and blame it on the communists his mother!
Justinian:GENIUS!
---------------------
Byzas:Why are you overthrowing me, random citizens?
Random citizen 52: Because you caught yo moma's crazy virus!
Byzas:*shrugs* im okay with this
---------------------------------------
Justinian: Yay! Now, hitler, go explore some more and mr.random, throw us a party!
Mr.Random:Okay!
Hitler: okay...*sob*
Q: not so fast!
Justinian: What's wrong, science advisor?
Q:*blushes* i'm an advisor!
Data: what am i?
Justinian: Co-advisor of science
Data: yay!
------------------------------------
Meanwhile in the middle east
Hitler: Hey look, a civ!
Gilgamesh: Was up dawg, you like my braids!
Hitler: are you an aryan?
Gilgamesh:no
Hitler: Then forget you buddy!
Gilgamesh: whatever civ he's from must be really good with diplomacy

Salad-in: hello my name is-
Hitler: ARE U ARYAN?
Salad-in:arywhat?
Hitler*slams door*

Hitler: Hello there, hot mama
Cleo: Let me guess, your going to ask me if an aryan or not?
Hitler: How about you come by my place and we create the master race, baby
Cleo: ew...have you looked in a mirror at all your whole life?
Hitler: How about i meet jew at nein a clock at my place?
Cleo: do you want me to call HR like gilgamesh did?
Hitler: About i give you some of my human resources?
Cleo: I'm going to slowly back away now...
Hitler: Oh come on! I know this great bar called "The Gas Chamber" that we can have a drink at! They even have a karaoke machine with hits like i got jew babe and Hip Hoppity odyssey!
Cleo:*Slams door*
------------------------
Justinian: Hitler, i think we need to talk about your diplomatic skills...
Hitler: What did cleo tell you...
Justinian: actually, the narrator told me everything.
Hitler:What did he tell you....
Justinian: That you Harassed cleo and discriminated against salad-in and gilgy.
Hitler:Fine, i'll let you meet the leaders first from now on...

Justinian: Stupid americans beat us to polytheism
Mr.Random: should i throw a party?
Justinian:no

Eipesab: sire, gilgamesh has bronze working...
Justinian:crap...

Discord:Hmm... anatolia here i come!

Asoka:Hello!
Justinian:Hai
Siddhartha: Daddy! I see your following the one true religion!
Asoka: I'm not your daddy...
Hitler: Are you an aryan?
Asoka: why yes i am, i am a vedic aryan
Hitler:*fist pump*
Siddhartha: I see that both me and hitler agree that your a swell guy, daddy!
Justinian: Leave now before he asks you how babies are made...
Asoka:*escapes through trap door*

Kinkaz: Hmm... the empire is coming together quite nicely
Justinian: So it is!

Constantinople: Sire! Excellent news! We have copper near thessalonika!
Justinian:Excellent!
Civ 2 military advisor: BUILD CITY WALLS!

will we build city walls? or will we not? find out next time on this tale of mis-shapen proportions!

 

[constantinople]

Jew will have writing in nein turns!