The Fiery French

[Tribute]

No update this weekend, most likely.

I am really, really sorry, but I don't have much time this weekend (summer classes overloaded me [Formal Lab Report, Short Essay, Study Old Notes, Study New Ones, finish another lab handout, read ahead in the book, study for a quiz, work with OTHER people on ANOTHER lab, find a way to return a book, find a way to buy new books, choose books to read ....

So only if I have ANY time left will I be playing CIV.

 

[Tribute]

But an update is this weekend. Uploading now.

 

[Tribute]

The elephants were amazing. Monsieur Esca gazed in awe as the majestic beasts roamed through the plains. Their tusks gleamed in the sunlight, shaped like curved spears. Cautiously moving towards one of them, he noted how the animal ignored his presence, as if he were not a threat. His aching back agreed with the elephant. "This is precisely what makes life so precious," he thought, "this is what we're fighting for. This is why I must not die...." The elephant stopped, allowing the old man to observe its wrinkled gray skin and enormous stature. "Such grand beasts...."

*****

"English troops in the north around Lyons. Russian and Spanish spearmen in the Alps. Egyptian, Russian, and Spanish brigades all moving towards Orleans." Delinquente stopped, turning towards Lady Joan. "We still fight, yes. But our troops and morale are limited. With what we have now, it will take a miracle for us to fend off our foes. And as for conquering them, only the gods can help us there."

"Oh, of course, the 'gods'," said Joan sarcastically. "What glory is there, when the 'gods' have saved us? None! We cannot always rely on such forces, Delinquente. We must have more troops!"

Stuttering, Monsieur Delinquente replied, "Uh, um, my point exactly, Lady Joan. And er, I would ask that Paris be the site of the undertaking."

"Undertaking?" Joan asked incredulously. "Whatever do you suggest, my dearest Delinquente?"

Sweating now, Delinquente said nothing, trying to avert his gaze from the great lady's.

"Surely, you do not wish to 'whip' up some more troops?"

"..."

"Very well, then. Give the citizens my most sincere apologies, but there's been another disease spread around by those idiotic Russians. Say that those who died will be forever remembered and honored by our armies."

All that Joan heard in return was, "Yes, of course, my lady." as the door to the palace slammed shut.

*****

"What do you mean pillaged?!" Joan shrieked. Though it was nice to have Mary back (she never explained where she had been), all this news was so devastating. "What do you mean that half our workers are all holed up in Orleans! And why are both Orleans and Lyons under siege?!"

Mary looked at the floor. "Yes, um, well, uh, you see we kind of have a lot of wars and stuff, yeah, and I would have told you in pieces if I hadn't been so busy-"

"And just what were you doing?"

"Um, nothing."

"Mary, do you want to be killed by my assassin?"

Mary started to weep. This trick had worked before; Joan was not about to be fooled again.

"Oh, assassin." Snapping her fingers, Joan was pleased to see that within a flash, the assassin was at her side.

"Yes? Lady Joan?" The assassin bowed low.

"Mary won't tell me why she's been neglecting her duties. I think she requires a bit of persuasion, don't you?"

Mary looked up, her eyes full of fear.

A few seconds passed. "No."

Joan's face was starting to turn purple from rage. "WHAT?!!"

Another whisper; "No."

Breathing deeply, Joan turned to the assassin and said quite calmly, "I will give you only one chance to explain yourself lest you desire to feel my wrath."

"She-"

Mary cut him off. "I was with him!" Jumping up, she leapt onto the assassin and started to hug him, rather hard.

"Agh, get off of me." The assassin struggled trying to push Mary off. Suddenly, he lost his balance and fell over.

Joan looked triumphant. Mockingly, she exclaimed, "Young love!" Falsely blushing, she continued, "Oh, what a horrible and frightening tale this will be! Oh, the rejections, and oh, the heart breaks. Yes, this will be punishment enough for the two of you."



*****

As the charging English horsemen charged at them, the uncertain Parisian defenders were surprised to see that the elephants on the plains were stampeding towards the horsemen, led, or rather, followed by a rather ugly old man. Few, if any, realized that he was their supreme archsage Esca and they watched in awe as the large animals plowed through the stunned English horsemen.

Without even needing to enter combat, the Parisian defenders laughed and cheered as the English horsemen sounded the retreat, to return home wounded and demoralized.

*****

Mary looked upon the great double road that her worker friends had taken so long to build. Now, it was starting to crumble as the hopeful enemies surrounded Orleans. Sure, Paris was safe, but when Lady Joan had found out about her attachment to the assassin, it was she who was sent to Orleans. He was to travel alone to Lyons and aid the warrior there. It was so unfair! What had she done? Joan just hates love.

*****

Andre and Guy looked admiringly at the woman who was admiring the catapults they were again charged to defend. They were arguing over who would be the one to invite her for some 'fun and games', but then, the group had arrived at the silk forest where the Spanish spearmen camped. The two watched in horror as the Spanish started to cut trees and smash the road, littering it with dead tree trunks, stones, and animal carcasses. Many of the silk bugs were smashed in the process, and the two recalled that fateful fight many years ago.

Louis was exhausted. Not only had the catapults had to travel so far, but he had to entertain one of Joan's esteemed guests. The chatterbox was named Harry, or something. Whatever. He was about to give the signal to fire when the girl accidentally tripped, pushing him over and firing one of the catapults. Sure, there was no payload in the contraption, but the backfire, snapped the ropes off of another catapult, which, in this unfortunate formation, caused yet another to fire. Angrily, he turned to the girl, who smiled sweetly and apologized. So sweetly, that Louis could not help but forgive her. The rest of the day was set aside to restore the catapults' functionality.

*****

Delinquente grinned again, it seemed like the citizens of Paris did not really seem to care that their loved one's had been drafted into the war. In fact, those who had were feeling so honored to fight for their country that they had quickly attained veteran status, an honor that the finest of France had so far offered.

And swordsmen wielded the strongest of all weapons known to man. Using both a sword in one hand and a shield in the other, swordsmen were so versatile that when attacked, they could still defend as well as any bronze spearman could simply due to the strength of iron.

And with the workers reconnecting the iron in the Alps, Delinquente knew that the gods were favoring them. He knew that victory was assured.

*****

Pachacuti was almost jumping up and down with excitement. This time, he would get that lovely Joan. His warrior brigades were ready, slowly climbing up and down the Alps. He had heard from other nations that Paris was relatively undefended. "Wonderful, I'll get myself both a woman and a bed." A mischievous grin covered his mouth. Unfortunately, that grin would be quickly wiped off.

*****



"Insult my beauty, does she? Well, can someone who's beautiful do this?" Cackling wildly, Isabella was carried towards the battlefield by her servants. "How nice. I'm sure that Orleans will have the silks to improve my beauty even more. Are there any more attractive than me?"

"No." "No, my queen." "Of course not!" "Is it possible?"

"Yes, that's right. That's-" Isabella frowned. "You, tell me, are our warriors in the city yet?"

"No, my lady," said the passing soldier. "We were just retreating. The defenders are tough."

"Defenders?! There's only one lone spearman brigade in Orleans!!!"

"Yes, well, our commander thought it appropriate to attack the spearman brigade bringing the warrior reinforcements to Orleans- agh!" Covering his scratched face, the horseman galloped off to the infirmary.

Isabella looked at her nails in disgust. "Confound you, Joan! When I defeat you, I will make you my personal slave!"

Just as Isabella's mood soured, so did her battles. The archer group, which had surprisingly been able to take advantage of the walls separating the Orleans defenders and themselves, was eventually decimated and destroyed at close range. However, the following horsemen group was almost able to charge down the defenders as they fled back towards their posts. But in the end, under the cover of Orleans, the veterans fought viciously, also destroying the horseman regiment. Isabella shrieked in frustration and left.

*****

Banners and parades covered the town of Orleans. Everyone was celebrating the victorious defenders who were now battle hardened elites. The group was being led down the streets by Monsieur Delinquente. Lady Joan was also present with her ridiculously immature servant. Trumpets and fanfare heralded the glorious spearmen whose armor and bronze spears gleamed in the sunlight. Those were the days. The happy, happy days.

*****

In response to the victories, a new spearman group was assembled by OUI in Paris, which then turned its attention to the increase in citizens that came with the recent victories. With the men returning from the battlefield and the women proud to have children that would also fight for France, a new order would either have to be found or people would have to spread the glory of France elsewhere, leaving the great town for new lands down south.

Orleans also had a new spearman regiment assembled and trained in OUI barracks. With more troops and high morale, a new set of archers was ordered, quite necessary for the growth of the French army.

And in the south, a volcano exploded. The Russian archers there seemed to run for cover, but to no avail. Their charred bodies flowed down and solidified at the feet of the next Russian archer group, a sight that the French scouts observed, was rather horrific.

*****

The Champs-Elysees, the grand double road of France was still functional, but it crossed the Rhine river so many times that it was rendered useless with the constant pillaging of the foreign queens. And now, with morale high, it was time to strike!

Charging out from Paris, the wounded swordsmen engaged the Egyptian warriors while the catapults fired. Louis seemed sure that the swordsmen would easily dispatch the remaining warriors and turned to the Incan ones. With the order to fire, Louis and his crew sent hurling a bunch of boulders, which, unfortunately, all missed, landing short of the warriors. But it was too late to stop the archers from charging at the Incans.



Though the swordsmen cut through the Egyptians with minimal losses, the archers were not faring well. They were taking blow for blow and incurred loss after loss until they finally gathered enough archers on two sides of the enemy. Flanked, the warriors desperately tried to charge to one side. Though they did bludgeon and destroy the archers there, the other archer group managed to cut down the remaining warriors before they could reach the archer line. It was the will of the gods.

*****

Lyons was isolated from the rest of France. Sure, its herds of elephants helped it avert any losses in battles, but now, with walls surrounding every bit of the town, safety was assured. And with OUI visiting, the citizens were given plans to build some sort of wooden contraption that a sickly young inventor thought of. Ridiculous as it seemed, they worked quickly to assure that they would not displease the head, Monsieur Delinquente.

*****

"Milk baths are quite refreshing, yes. But cutting down that Joan would please me more, general."

"Your grace, we have failed recently with our attacks on Lyons. It seems a raving old man is magically controlling the elephant hordes there. The warlock, somehow manages to lead the elephants directly into our troops; their rampage kills most of them every time we try to swarm Lyons. I have a feeling that Orleans would be a much better target."

"I hope so, for your sake, general."



*****

(Author's Note: I was being swarmed. And now I am again. Luckily, my army's much bigger. 3 walled towns. 3 veteran spears. 1 regular and 1 elite spear. 1 vet sword. 1 vet warrior. 1 reg archer. 1 catapult. and 2 workers. AI are attacking with 4 horses (1 of those is retreating), 2 archers, and 4 warriors. All of them, of course, are regulars.)

 

[Sashie VII]

Just finished reading, quite funny

Oooh the Italians equalized gotta go

 

[Tribute]

Ah. Thank you. And the Italians win in penalty kicks. You know, you really shouldn't call them penalty kicks if nobody receives penalties. I know they're done in the penalty box but still....

 

[Sashie VII]

What's in a name?

Anyway sorry for not posting earlier, but during the hols I was literally offline all the time in home sweet home..

 

[BuckyRea]

Well, the "hols" continue here. But then, so should the story. Eagerly awaiting next installment (even if you have such cynical things to say about true love between a fair maiden and a trained assassin).

 

[Tribute]

I promise an update either tomorrow or Monday. Class workload has increased significantly. 5 long assignments and a quiz! I hope RL does not destroy my cunning plans....

 

[Tribute]

“Easy, huh? I thought you said it was an easier target, general.”

“Uh, yes, I do think so Queen Elizabeth.”

“Then why did our warriors die so easily at the gates of Orleans?”

“If I may be so bold, my queen, using untrained warriors in battle is suicide. Maybe years ago they would have sufficed as fighters, but now it is the age of the sword and the horse.”

“Then why haven’t we combined the two, you idiot? Why not a sword wielding horseman? Hmm?! Oh gods, I need a milkbath.”

*****

“I believe that we could use the gold in our treasuries for something, Joan.” Monsieur Delinquente had recently arrived in Paris to meet Lady Joan. Most thought it was because of his insane infatuation for the great lady; however, it was not the only cause.

“Monsieur, Delinquente, how nice of you to come and see me again.”

“Please, Lady Joan. Rumors are rumors.”

“Thank goodness.” Monsieur Delinquente blushed at this.

“Yes, uh, our warrior brigade has arrived in Orleans but there seems to be little they can do. I’ve been studying them, and it appears they have an affinity for the swords that the Parisian citizens have been using. Axes work quite like swords when you think about it.”

“Something I obviously did not think of. Very well, Delinquente. How much would you need to pay off the citizens in Orleans to speedily make the swords you require?”

“A bit more than we have, Lady Joan. But I’m sure the effects of the upgrade would be extraordinarily beneficial to our society as a whole.”

“Are you suggesting that I cut funding to Archsage Esca and his studies?”

“Well, yes, the last I’ve heard about him is that he’s living with those beasts in Lyons. But whatever, they’re only rumors.”

“Rumors do have a basis in fact, General.” Joan winked.

“General?”, said Monsieur Delinquente incredulously.

“Yes, I do believe you deserve this promotion. Of course, I hope you can still manage OUI.”

“Of course. Thank you, milady.”



*****

Louis trudged over the river, “assisted” by Harry. Or Mary. Whatever. The girl was gripping his arm so tightly her nails formed deep white indentations in his skin. His predicament was not aided by the fact that most of the other catapult engineers were jeering at something in his general direction. It had to be him, of course.

Once they crossed, two spearman brigades completely surrounded the party, in defense partly due to the three English horsemen that were staring down at them from the mountain up above. The survival of Orleans was looking rather bleak.

And then the charge was called. Orange clad horsemen rushed down the mountain at the battle hardened Orleans defenders. But then disaster struck for the defenders. Somehow, the mass of English horsemen charging at the walls had broken through. The defenses that they had relied on were gone. It was then an equal battle. Rushing the horsemen with their spears extended, the Orleans defenders could merely hope that the gods were on their side. Men were slaughtered and trampled. None could forsee the victor at the end of the day, for it was night when the remaining defenders returned to Orleans as the next wave of horsemen stampeded down the slopes. Barely making it through the now repaired walls, the spearmen sent a message to the warrior brigade inside: “The spearman brigade has been decimated. Defend Orleans.”

Andre and Guy were psyched to finally return to the glory of battle. They had spent hours each day sparring with each other only to now face the joys of war. Andre was clearly thrilled, until he saw Guy. “What are you doing, ya lump of fat?”

“Eating, what else?”

“Before a battle? Are you insaaaaaane?!” Andre was practically screaming the last word.

Guy obviously thought that Andre was a little nuts after yelling ‘insane’ so loudly. He was about to point it out when he noticed he had more food to eat.

“C’mon you glutton.” Forcibly dragging his comrade out of the mess hall, Andre groaned inwardly, “What a way to live.”

The battle was short, mostly do to the fact that the axes were able to cut through the spears that the horsemen wielded. The retreating English horsemen raised their middle fingers and yelled insults as they returned back to the mountain. The mountain would be the last place they would ever be.

*****

The Russian emissary had come to call for peace. Humoring him, Joan sweetly asked what the terms were.

“Ahahahahaha!” Joan drew her blade, and it was over in a flash. Blood splashed all over her, she commanded to her servants, “Well, don’t just stand there, you fools!”

*****

“And that is how you wield the sword. Are there any questions? No…? You there, what is your name?” General Delinquente pointed towards Guy who had seemingly been gazing off into space during his demonstration.

“Sir! My name is Guy, sir,” said Guy with a clumsy salute.

“Guy, is it? Well, then Guy, I believe that you can demonstrate to us how to use a sword.”

“Uh, yes, sir.” Surprisingly, the soldier held the blade correctly and also perfectly performed the strokes that he had shown them.

“I am impressed. Guy, was it? You’ll be the commander for this squadron of swordsmen. Good luck to you all.” Delinquente left the barracks. After he had gotten out of hearing range, many confused whispers were heard. “Guy, commander?!”

*****

Bored. Bored. Bored. The assassin was simply bored. There was nothing to do in Lyons, and it was such an unfamiliar place, nothing at all like Paris or the plains. One day, he noticed an old man and some elephants near the outskirts of Lyons. He decided to follow the strange man.

Monsieur Esca noticed the scrawny young man tailing him as he returned towards the elephant fields. It was really quite interesting how the animals lived, and if a visitor came to do so just like him, then all the better. Plus, he hadn’t really spoken to anyone in a while; this strange boy would probably be quite entertaining to him.

*****

“Hey, I remember them!”

“Not so loud….”

“But they’re really cool looking, Louis!”

“I hate bugs. I hate the morning.”

“Don’t mope all the time, Louis! It’ll make you a sad person. And that would be just sad.”

“Oh be quiet.”

“I used to remember when Joan was always saying that. Heck, she still does!”

Groan.

*****

Guy was supposed to be incompetent. The fact that he had won the battle was quite troubling to Andre. Sure, the swordsmen had incurred heavy losses, but only the victory would matter in the end. Sure, archers had low defensive capabilities, but who would have thought of such a maneuver and with new weapons being used and all? He was being congratulated by everyone, even the venerable General Delinquente. He was becoming so popular.

And Andre was becoming jealous. His hotblooded nature might not yield positive results.



*****

And the walls of Orleans crumbled yet again. This time, sheer luck would be the cause of their victory. It was luck that the Orleans defenders defeated a pair the incoming horsemen. The Spanish were to be congratulated for their efforts, but the French were to be rewarded by their victories. The final archer shootout was lucky in that the Orleans Archery Squad were able to take out the Spanish archer brigade solely by using the rubble from the walls as cover. How ironic that the supposed loss of defense would actually aid the archers.

*****

Pachacuti would try and try again until he got that Joan. She knew in the corner of her heart that he was the man she would marry. He was sure of that. And the Chasqui Scouts he had sent could easily traverse the Alps that separated their love. Yes, he knew that she would be brought to him without fail.

“Oh really? Ah hahahahaha! Send in our archer. They can do the job.

*****

“So you’re in love with this girl, eh?”

“Yes.”

“Lucky you. I think you should go get her.” Archsage Esca smiled. “I was never able to find anyone that I loved. Mostly because I was too into the arcane. By the way, have you noticed how these elephants are living. It’s really quite fascinating.”

“…”

“Not only do they find mates, but they have this whole hierarchy of their own. I’ve been really thinking about it. Why would they ever want to do that? Aren’t they all equal?”

“…”

“I see what you mean. It really does make one stop and think. Say, I’m going back to Paris for matters of my own concern, but you’ve been a great companion so far. What do you think? Do you want to travel with me?”

“Why would you want to travel with me?”

“Well, I noticed that sword you’re carrying, and frankly, the road to Paris isn’t too safe with all these English vagabonds roaming about. I need a sort of hired sword to escort me there, if that’s okay with you. I’ll pay you once we get there; money is no problem for me. And maybe, we’ll even get to see that girlfriend of yours, hmm?” Archsage Esca nudged the assassin in the ribs.

“… okay.”

*****

“So you want to promote everyone, General. Hmm. This is actually not a bad idea, seeing how this would boost morale. I like it. But make sure you impress on them the value of their promotions; we don’t want them to think we just hand these out.”

“Yes, and they do know that. They have all performed quite spectacularly. The archers have crushed the Chasqui scouts. Both in fact. And the spearmen brigade here has successfully slain an Egyptian warrior brigade. Really, both victories were quite impressive.” Delinquente left.

“Of course, General. Just as impressive as you think you are.”

*****

A second victory. This was insane. Guy was supposed to be his friend, but Andre couldn’t help the anger he felt inside him.

Guy noticed Andre was becoming more and more distant with him every day. Could it possibly have something to do with his leadership of the swordsman group? Probably not. General Delinquente had sent word to them of congratulations and extra men joining the brigade. Every one of his soldiers revered him. But Guy didn’t like the praise much; without Andre, it was almost all meaningless.

And now they were being sent north to defend Lyons..

*****

Grumble, grumble. The workers were told they had to fix Champs-Elysees up. Clearing the trees and redigging the path was easy work. But touching the filthy carcasses was plain disgusting. They all knew that more work would come as a result of their success, and torture if they failed. The new town being formed in the south would mean more work. France was a hard nation to please.

But when you’re poor or imprisoned, the best place to go is the worker brigades.

*****

Three kills. This had to end. Previously, Andre was the leader of the two friends. But now…. Andre was not one to be led. He drew his blade to challenge Guy and walked over to Guy’s tent.

But Guy was not there. In fact, the trumpets were sounding, telling everyone to go to the mess hall. As Andre entered he noticed Guy standing on one of the tables, hailing him and motioning for him to come closer.

“Andre, Andre! Get over here, you! Hey, hey guys. If I can have your attention. Attention! Attention! Shut UPPPPPPP! Thank you.”

Andre was rather confused. What was going on?

“I’d like you to meet the real commander of this troop, the one who has taught me everything I know, the one I can thank for bringing me back to the army, Andre!” Cheers resounded through the hall. “I am resigning as this troops leader and am choosing Andre to replace me. I’m sure you all will treat him with the same respect as you did me. So come up here, Andre.”

With the loud sounds of yells and cheers in his ears, Andre put his sword away and stepped up onto the table helped by Guy. But then he thought guiltily that Guy had done so much for him, just to please his selfish desires. Suddenly, an impulse gripped him. “Quiet. Quiet!!! My first action as leader of this wonderful swordsman brigade will be to reinstate Guy as co-commander of these troops. For he is not just any soldier, but he really is a born leader, something he is a bit too modest to believe. But you will see.”

*****

“Mary! When did you get back here?!” Joan was not pleased.

“Just yesterday. Louis kicked me out because he thinks I’m really annoying. I’m not annoying, am I?”

“Of course you are. I hope you’ve learned your lesson about love. It can always be crushed.”

“Speaking of love, I’d love to see the new town down south. They say that south of the Alps is even more pretty than north of it. I’ll be sure to tell the workers!”

“Okay. Yes, sure. Of course. Go to Rheims. Go away. Yes. Bye now.” Pushing Mary out of the halls, Joan breathed a sigh of relief. It was hard enough managing an empire as well as an immature woman.



*****

(Author’s Note: Yes, I’m doing a lot better now. Both Paris and Orleans are at 6spt with Paris having the potential to build settlers as well. Lyons is stuck at 5 spt. Rheims will be good for workers and the complete securing of iron. I’m thinking about it, but I don’t think Lyons really needs a barracks. Tell me if you think it ought to have one. As for expansion. SW are two sites. And NE are many. SW is probably next, just to completely secure iron.)

 

[BuckyRea]

Re: The Russian emissary

“Ahahahahaha!” Joan drew her blade, and it was over in a flash. Blood splashed all over her, she commanded to her servants, “Well, don’t just stand there, you fools!”

Dang, life is tough on those poor ambassadors. Maybe I should get a different avatar.

Rheims will be good for workers and the complete securing of iron. I’m thinking about it, but I don’t think Lyons really needs a barracks. Tell me if you think it ought to have one. As for expansion. SW are two sites. And NE are many. SW is probably next, just to completely secure iron.)

Good calls, both. You need to expand quickly more than you need a barracks--especially on such a cozy li'l planet. And yes, you totally need more iron, even if your current source is well positioned and probably won't run out for centuries. You need the insurance, just in case a cohort of enemies or barbs get into your mountains and pillage your mines.

The retreating English horsemen raised their middle fingers and yelled insults as they returned back to the mountain.

Diagnosis: too much Monty Python as a child has clearly warped you

 

[Tribute]

I actually haven't watched Monty Python. I've just known many people who have. But thanks for the support!

 

[Tribute]

“Move my minions! Move!” Cackling in delight, Pachacuti urged his troops forward for Orleans. He hoped this new plan would work. “Cut off their supplies, and Joan will be begging to join me. I’ll first make her plead on her knees for mercy and then I’ll-“

“Sir! The troops are under attack.”

“What?! Confound you Joan, always messing in my plans. That’s what will make our victory together so sweet.” Pachacuti sighed.

“Uh, sir?”

“Yes, yes, attack away.”

“Bit late for that really.” The soldier pointed towards the battlefield. The warriors there were quickly losing their footing to the Parisian Citizens and on another mountain the warriors were being shot down by the advancing French archers. Nearer Orleans the combined forces of a swordsman group and the Orleans Archery Squad were making quick work of the chasquis there. Leaving only his group here.

“… oh dear. Ah.” Fleeing, Pachacuti swore he would not give up. His new target, Rheims.

(2 Incan warriors and 3 chasqui have appeared, approaching Orleans.)

*****

And with the road completed, the assassin and Archsage Esca quickly passed through the countryside. Until they came.

“Stop there.” The voice didn’t seem very French. The assassin readied his sword. “You two, come with me.” The man was clad in orange and held a short bow. In a flash, all that remained was a crimson shower of blood.

“Halt! In the name of the imperial Queen Elizabeth!” Archers appeared out of nowhere with bows all pointing towards either the assassin or Archsage Esca. The leader of the group pointed towards the assassin. “You there, drop that sword.”

The assassin said nothing but complied, rather unwillingly. As soon as the sword fell from his grasp he had dived to catch it. And got almost got shot for it. Yes, almost.

A huge boulder had come flying out of nowhere striking the leader dead and crushing his troops. The remaining ones looked around warily when from a completely different direction; more boulders were being launched into their skulls. Louis and company had arrived. And with them, Andre and Guy.

“Hey, you two,” Andre shouted, “You’d best get out of the way.”

“Chaaaaaaaaaage,” yelled Guy.

*****

“OUI is doing very well under your leadership, General. We have managed to connect Lyons to our empire, thanks to your maneuvering.”

“Thank you my lady.”

“Of course, now your new goal is giving us time to connect Rheims.”

“The work is never complete, my lady.”

“You don’t have to be so formal, Delinquente.”

“Are you sure, my la-, er, Joan?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Lady Joan suits me very well.”

“Ah. Oh.” Confused and rather hurt, Delinquente left.

“Wow, this is fun. Aha hahahaha!”

*****

“Ooh, you’ve got a river here too! What do you call it?”

“We call it the Shudduplees river. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah. The Shudduplees river. Of course!”

Shaking his head disapprovingly, the villager whispered to himself. “She doesn’t get it!!!”

“I like Rheims a whole lot. Yup! I’m gonna tell my worker friends all about this place. And when I come back, we’re gonna have so much fun!”

Slightly hyperventilating, the villager replied, “Ye-e-ah, so-o mu-uch fu-u-u-unn. Heh. Heheh. Heh. Heheh.”

“Are you alright? You look a little pale. Joan said that I could try and heal people if I wanted. Do you want to be healed”

“No-alright-thanks-I’m-fine.”

“Suuuuuuuuuure?”

“No-Mary-just-go-away-and-I’ll-fine.”

“’kay! I understand when people want alone time! Joan says that people who are alone do private things. Are you going to do something private? ”

“I’m-definitely-gonna-do-a-lot-of-private-things-from-now-on.”

The trudging of soldiers could be heard. “Ooh! Soldiers!” Mary skipped off into the distance.

“Oh-thank-goodness-I-thought-she’d-never-leave.” Still shaking, the villager turned around and walked home where he promptly intoxicated himself.

*****

In her speech to the public, Lady Joan was flawless. Even when she spoke of using more servants of the nation, the people cheered. And to him, she was the perfect woman.

Monsieur Delinquente had to have her. And he was willing to do anything to please her. In the end, he knew he would have his way, one way or another….

A soldier approached him with a message. “Lyons, under siege?” He’d better go. For the good of France and to please the object of his affections.

*****

Archsage Esca and the assassin had arrived. After days of traveling with a few skirmishes here and there, where the assassin left many bandits dead and disabled, the two had arrived back in Paris.

And there they found that Mary was not there. A shame.

Archsage Esca approached the throneroom and entered.

“Archsage Esca. Hmm. What have you been doing these past few years?” Joan didn’t seem pleased to see him again, for some reason. “And why have you brought my assassin back here? He was supposed to remain in Lyons,” she directed her attention towards the assassin. “Isn’t that right?”

“…” The assassin was silent.

“Allow me to explain, my lady.”

“Oh please do,” said an exasperated Joan.

“For the past few years, I have been studying the wild elephants of Lyons-”

“Woah. Woah. Hold it. You tell me that for the past few years, you’ve spent the taxes and funding that our people have given you to look at some wrinkled gray beasts that nobody really cares about?!” Her voice had progressed to a shriek, not a good sign.

“Allow me to finish, my lady, it’s all true, I admit, but the results are worth it.”

“They had better be.”

“Well, while I was there, I not only noticed the strong tusks of ivory that they owned, but they seemed to me an intelligent species. You have probably heard of how they aided the Parisian Defenders in defending Lyons?”

“Of course.”

“Yes, they were instrumental in its defense. And when I observed them further I saw a hierarchy that seemed to me most intriguing.”

“And what does this have to do with anything?”

“My lady, they too had leaders and subleaders and so forth. They were organized, maybe even more organized than we are!”

“More organized than us? Aha hahahaha!”

“Er, nice laugh, my lady.”

“…,” said the assassin.

“Of course. Continue.”

“Well, not all this time has gone to waste, for I have been coming up with a new governmental system where you will receive not only absolute power but will have more people to delegate tasks to.”

“So you suggest a hierarchical government with me at the top?”

“Correct.”

“I see…. Well, that’s all fine and dandy. You also mentioned something about strong tusks?”

“Ah yes, I believe the people would enjoy the tusks and their material, which can be used to construct fine artwork. Cups and bowls can also be replaced for the rich with this ivory.”

“Ivory, huh? That’s good news. But what of my other question. What is he doing here?”

“Oh? He’s a mercenary. And a fine one too. He’s saved my life countless times from the banditry on the Lyons-Paris route. And he also protected me from an English band of archers. Yes. And I was wondering, my lady, if you’d be kind enough to pay him for his efforts?”

“Archsage, Archsage,” Joan shook her head. “You’ve been so easily manipulated.”

“Wha-?”

“I sent him there to help the soldiers there in battle. And now he’s returned.”

“So?”

“So now he’s back where he wants to be. With his love, who most unfortunately is not here!”



*****

The squat lady was singing, singing rather badly. It was an ode to the gods. The woman was Lady Catherine of the Russians. And just why was she singing? She was calling for aid in war and good luck. She would show that Joan just who was the boss of the world. Catherine had never quite forgiven Joan for the slights she had thrown at her years ago.

And it was war. The mounted horsemen were racing through the French fields in an attempt to reach Orleans. They knew that if they failed they would die. And if they ran, they would be dishonored for life. So on they rode. Onward. Towards death.

*****

“Okay, well I’m about to go now guys!” Mary was just so annoying.

“Great! I mean that’s too bad…,” said the villager. “I’m sure you’ll be happier in Paris.”

“Actually, I’m gonna come back real soon ‘cause its so much fun here. I saw what you were doing with the Shudduplees river. You had that weird wheel that kept spinning and spinning as the water passed. And you guys were using it to launch stones and bet on how far they would fly.”

“Oh, er. Yeah. I suppose that was fun. But that’s it really as far as fun goes. So you shouldn’t come back. We’re really boring. Uh huh.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m gonna bring my boyfriend.”

“How did you ever get-“ The villager smacked himself in the head. “Oh! Ow….”

“Sir, do you need healing?”

*****

Drawing her sword from the corpse in front of her, Joan couldn’t believe why the other nations would keep sending these fools in an attempt to make peace. War was strength. “They’ll see.”

“Oh yes, they will, my lady!” Oh, no. Not that voice. That’s her voice.

“Mary!” Joan started to hyperventilate.

“Joan, did you know that hyperventilating is bad for you? It makes you talk all fast and actually will cause you to go unconscious.”

“Why are you here, Mary?”

“Archsage Esca, told me to tell you that you could tell the people about your glorious new idea of telling people what to do by telling subleaders to tell the people what you told them to do. And this whole telling system is going to be ‘approved’ by the gods some way.”

“…”

“And he also said that telling the people to do something new like this involves telling every single person to change their ideas and ways of life so he told me to tell you to tell everyone else that there’s going to be a lot of turmoil in the next few years.”

“… why are you telling,” Joan mentally slapped herself, “me this? I already knew about the whole thing.”

“They don’t call you ‘my lady’ for nothing, Joan.”

“Mary, just, just, just shut up.”

*****

Louis trudged along and ordered the new catapult team he had been temporarily assigned to fire. Turning to his own team, he told them to do the same. Both shots hit their marks, smashing through the Russian horsemen. And when the swordsmen on the other side of the Russian horsemen encampment charged, something odd occurred.

Louis noticed that one man out of them all had risen up and charged the enemy head on, urging his fellow soldiers to keep up. It was odd, really. Commanders usually stayed near the back or with the front lines. Yet this man was different, and he was short! Odd. The man was shouting orders to the other soldiers and seemed to bring the most out of them, managing not to lose a single soldier in the skirmish.

He turned to Monsieur, er, General Delinquente and saw that he had noticed the man as well. General Delinquente seemed impressed.

The man, named Napolean, was given a new title, military great leader of France. His courage and his tactical skill made him equal in status than a general. But unlike Delinquente, he would be able to lead his own troops into battle.

Rushing back to Orleans, Napoleon was given orders to found the First French Army. The swordsmen group that Napoleon headed would be the soon to join. And many more swordsmen groups would later.

The army, true, was almost defeated upon its conception. However, through the brilliant maneuvers of Napoleon, he was able to fend of the archer and horsemen group with his remaining men. The Orleans Archery Squad was able to take over the defense of Orleans by then. However, the cowardice of the English horsemen made the group ride off into the distance, ending the siege.

(The veteran sword in the army got redlined. I almost lost it too.)



*****

Swords raised high, Andre and Guy led there hopeful troops into battle. The English swordsmen were basically copies of the French ingenuity. However, due to their skill and artillery support, the two were able to destroy the English brigade.

“15 kills, Andre. I got 15 kills!”

“That’s just great Guy.” Andre was so tired; all he wanted to do was sleep. Sure, being commander was fun, but after doing it for months….

“Oh, don’t be such a bore, Andre. Hey, look, an elephant!” Andre left Guy alone as he stared at the elephant and contemplated the news that had heard recently. An army was coming to get them to join their ranks. He didn’t like the sound of that. But at this point, he was too tired to care.

Even the loud snores couldn’t break Guy’s concentration on the elephants.

*****

Life was unfair. Life was so cruel. He probably should just end all the pain. He wasn’t wanted anywhere and the only one who showed him affection was too busy doing something else. He didn’t have anyone. He was all alone.

The assassin looked at his sword. It was sharp and sleek, perfect for slicing right through enemies and other swords. It really was his only companion from the start of his life. And it would be the cause of his end too. Sliding his finger across the sharp blade, he smiled as he saw the blood start to flow from his finger.

Drawing the sword up high, the assassin switched his grip so that the sword faced downwards.

“Hey, there! Are you practicing some cool sword moves?”

That voice. It was her! “Mary,” he said calmly. “Please. Leave me.”

“I’ve a better idea! Let’s go to Rheims! They’ve got some nice games there. And the Shudduplees river is so pretty. C’mon.” Grabbing his arm and causing the sword to clatter to the ground, Mary led/dragged the assassin out of the palace. People stared as the odd couple passed them, an innocent, girlish woman and a frail assassin. “So we’re first gonna go to my friends. They’re right over there building a sort of irrigation ditch. Whatever that means. And as soon as they’re done, we’re gonna hike up across the Alps (you’ll be carrying me, of course) and then we’ll arrive and play all day!”

“…”

Mary stopped. “You’re being so quiet. Why?”

“…”

“That’s not an answer, silly! ‘Does Joan know about this’ is so not an answer! Oh wait, I think you’re trying to tell me something. … Oh well. Let’s go.” Mary restarted her dash across the Champs-Elysees, the assassin following her closely.

*****

Monsieur Delinquente and Archsage Esca were called in to the throne room.

Monsieur Delinquente was first to speak. “Well, Queen Joan, we’ve successfully rerouted Napoleon’s group to arrive back in Paris with the Parisian Citizens. So far, we’ve been quite successful in this new government.”

“I like being queen. It just suits me so well. Aha hahahaha!”

“Well, my queen, I hope that France will prosper because of our actions, and I hope that your reign will never end.”

“Of course, you do. Why? Because I’m queen. Aha hahahaha!”

Archsage Esca whispered to Delinquente, “She’s really got to work on that laugh.”

“Aha hahahaha!”

Delinquente turned to Archsage Esca, “Don’t say such treasonous things. Sure the aristocracy now has more power than the military, but that does not mean I can freely allow you to demean our queen.”

Esca chuckled and said in a singsong voice, “Somebody’s in lo-ove!”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Aha hahahaha!”



*****

(Author’s Note: I now have an elite sword army 15/15 that approaches Newcastle to do some razing. I’ve got 1 more elite and 1 reg sword. 2 catapults. 6 spearmen. And 2 archers. 4 workers are now in the empire. I’ve been lucky with the disease. I’ve been using all four floodplains for a while now. Soon I’ll be starting SoZ and the GLib. Once Orleans is ready, of course….)

 

[BuckyRea]

“15 kills, Andre. I got 15 kills!”

Sure, there's a nice adrenal rush going on now. But eventually, he's gonna need therapy to deal with the guilt from all that killing.


I could keel a mon, and eet would nut even buther me.
I would snap hees neck and then feenish my latté


Oh wait, they're French. Nevermind.

 

[Tribute]

Haha. Therapy could be a good future topic though....

 

[Sashie VII]

Interesting, man..

What's up with all the elephant talk? It's a lux, so it's a lux..but pretty funny anyway

I know, I need to login more often and post a whole lot more.

 

[Tribute]

The elephant talk. Why did I put it in there? I sincerely have no idea as I make up the story as I go along, yet it seems to have fit in nicely. There probably will be few references to the elephants in the future, but who knows?

And thanks for posting!

 

[Tribute]

Woo! Surprise update! You know what? At this rate, I'll actually get to kill some characters off. ... you guys didn't read that.

 

[Tribute]

And for the first time in years, the French went on the offensive. Napoleon, the dear short general that everyone adored, led his charge through Newcastle. Having seen to the defense of Orleans all these years, he quickly pointed out the flaws in the English defenses and commanded his brave swordsmen through the spearmen lines and set the town ablaze. The men in the army also started looting the town gathering valuables and gold for the glory of the French Empire.

It was heard that a voice in the distance said, “I really do need a milkbath.”

*****

Horrific. Utterly horrific. The leaders all agreed. How could Joan have gone so far? Joan had to pay for this atrocity. A war against armies was acceptable, but a war led against the very people of the nations was going too far.

Queen Elizabeth and Lady Isabella shook hands that day. The Anglo-Spanish alliance. In the name of peace.

*****

Mary and the assassin were walking through the mountains. Or rather, the assassin was stumbling up the mountainside with a heavy woman on him. The loud-mouth continued to irritate the assassin, only occasionally pausing for breath.

And then they stopped. The assassin dropped Mary. “Ow.”

“…”

“Hey, look at that, a volcano! It’s spewing out lots of smoke again. And what’s that loud clanking noise? Ooh, look over there! The miners are bringing out iron to be shipped to Orleans. How interesting!”

“…”

“Oh! Oh no. Look you’re bleeding again. Silly assassin! You must have cut yourself while you were practicing with that sword of yours. Here let me heal you.” She took out a stick with some leaves wrapped around the top. Then she proceeded to grab the assassin’s arm and give his finger the beating of its existence. “Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be working. Odd.”

“…” The assassin merely looked amused. Then in shock, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The volcano had exploded and layers of oozing magma flew into the air, collapsing near their position.

“EEEEEK!” Mary squealed. The assassin grabbed her arm and started to drag her away towards Rheims where they should find asylum. Yet they would not.

*****

“So tell me Archsage, what are you doing now?”

Slightly annoyed at being called out of his studies, Archsage Esca replied to Queen Joan, “Well, I was going over our treasury records and philosophies.”

“There’s no need to be annoyed with me, Archsage. I was merely wondering if you’d mind to actually do something productive with the funding our people give you.”

“Don’t worry, my queen. Something good will come out of this.”

“Of course. You somehow always manage to twist things that way. In fact, it’s how I became queen.” She paused and motioned for Archsage Esca to leave. As soon as he turned around, she let out her signature laugh. “Aha hahahaha!”

*****

Louis and Company were back on the front lines again. Or were they the middle lines? Whatever. They were in charge of ridding France of the pestering Russian horsemen. They noted that again they were paired with Andre and Guy’s group. Of course. The two companies had normally worked together and with great cohesion. And today was no different.

A messenger came running by with the following messages. Nearby, the Orleans Archery Squad was finishing off the remainder of the Russian horsemen. And in the distance, Napoleon’s crew were finishing off Hastings and the English threat, capturing many slaves as the town was burnt to a crisp.

Louis thought, “Hopefully, it will be enough to demoralize those English troops right outside of Lyons.” He wondered what they would do to him if they ever captured him, the engineer who lay waste to all their men. With this thought in mind, he hardened his resolve. He did not want his intestines to be ripped from his stomach and be force fed his own guts.

*****

(I lose a spearman in Rheims due to an archer attack. But I had the advantage!!!)

“It was said they fought bravely. But they were destroyed. They fought for France. And they lost. Their mission was to defend Rheims. And they failed. So what could they do? They died. Our nation depends on souls like these. Those who willingly give up their lives for their country are worth more to us than cowards who flee from battle. We will not give up for a loss such as this. We will take it and repay it back double!” Joan was always so good at these speeches. General Delinquente never felt to comfortable with inspiring a crowd with such tragic news. “And on a side note, the English may cut our ivory supplies. That’s all for now.” Abruptly leaving, Queen Joan was pleased to note that everyone was bowing down to her as she stepped up into her throne. “Oh, Mary! … …. “Mary? Somebody get Mary. Now!” Idly, she wondered to herself what kind of mischief Mary was getting herself into.

*****

“Magma is so fuuuuuuuuuuuuun!” Mary yelled as she was being dragged down through the Alps. The assassin was having a particulary difficult time seeing how he had to carry more than twice his weight while evading hot lava from drowning him.

“Oh, be quiet.” A nice whisper, he thought in his head. Well, it was either a whisper or murder. He nodded. He would need to work on his people skills.

*****

“Living with Joan is so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!” Pachacuti yelled as he noticed his troops suddenly march towards Paris. The troops were having a particularly difficult time seeing how they had to carry unwieldy weapons while carrying Pachacuti along with them.

“Please keep the yelling down, commander.” A nice treasonous statement, the soldier thought in his head. Well, it was either expressing that thought or suicide. He nodded. He would need to work on his self-control.

*****

Lyons was rioting. And it really wasn’t their fault. General Delinquente rushed over immediately to check on the proceedings there. And the situation looked dire. That is, until the workers recreated the road to Lyons. The slaves there were large in number so they worked relatively fast. And were continuously reminded to do so by the whips on their backs.

So, when the first shipment of ivory returned to Lyons, for some reason, everything cooled down. People turned their frowns upside down, and life returned to normal.

Odd. Why couldn’t this happen to Joan? Turn her apathy for his love into lust. Why not?

Brooding over this, General Delinquente decided he may as well try and prove his love to her, once again.

*****

“So how’d we miss Rheims?”

“Not Rheims?”

Mary shook her head and pointed at a sign.

“Tours?”

“Yeah! Tours! Let’s take one of the town. I wonder what it’s called.”

Shaking his head, the assassin reluctantly followed.

*****

Joan couldn’t stand it. Just who was this guy? “But just who are you?”

“I am Richelieu of the Orleans Defenders.”

“General Delinquente, tells me you showed a lot of skill on that battlefield. Do you feel up to the task of making this building for us?”

“An epic for the French heroes? Anything for the glory of France.”

“You do realize, that you may die in the process of this undertaking?”

“Of course, my queen.”

“Excellent, Richelieu. Rise and command the French people to make the ultimate tribute to our armies. We shall call it the Heroic Epic. Of course, we will house all the tales of courage and triumph there to be forever stored. I suggest you construct this in Lyons.”

“Yes my queen.” Richelieu left the throne room. He left Orleans. And he felt that he would leave the world.



(Yeah! I got another leader. Too bad I don’t have 8 towns yet though. I’ve got 5.)

*****

“Hey, Richelieu, before you go, I’d like to offer you my sincerest congratulations.” Napoleon was play-acting politeness again.

“Oh, Napoleon, you don’t have to joke about this. You’re simply envious of my abilities.”

“Far from it. Now, farewell, farewell.”

“Hmph. Good luck to you.”

Napoleon raised an eyebrow. “Same to you.”

The two great leaders parted ways. One to do battle, the other to die for his country.

*****

The Parisian Defenders were now considered the escorts of the empire. Disgraceful, they all thought. But Queen Joan had convinced them otherwise. It was an honor to help expand the empire. Sure, defending it was great. But spreading influence was more important. So in a choice between maintenance or expansion, Joan chose the latter. And all were convinced she was right.

Meanwhile, the town of Lyons was asked to construct yet another building. The statue was to some sort of god that Joan had randomly chosen. But as long as she was queen, nobody could say a thing. Yet statues inspire all sorts of people….

(Finish Heroic Epic in Lyons. Start SoZ.)

*****

Mary was lost. “I thought this was the right way. Seriously!”

The assassin shook his head sadly. “Here.” He pushed Mary towards the sign with Tours on it. Then he pointed towards the town, which was right behind the sign.

“Oh. You know, I should’ve thought of that. Now I’m bored.”

The assassin let out a sigh. “Mary.”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s go to Rheims.”

“Ah, okay. But I don’t quite no where it is from here, so let’s ask the people here.”

“Okay.”

“Great. So-let’s-split-up-and-ask-around-we-meet-back-here-in-an-hour-okay-bye!” Mary ran off just as fast as she had been speaking. The assassin nearly fell over from shock.

*****

You deserve this eye candy of the empire in 30BC

The West:


The Northeast:


The Southeast


(Author’s Note: Apparently, I’m still in last place. I’m fighting only 5 of my 7 opponents too. Oh dear. I nearly got run over at Lyons, Orleans, and Rheims this set. But I’ve destroyed a nice chunk of bloody ole England. And soon they won’t be a threat. 6 towns, 5 workers, 2 elite archers, 7 spearmen, 3 swordsmen, 1 sword army, 3 ‘pults. This’ll be hard to destroy with my L33T ‘micro’ skills. But seriously, what do you all think I should do next. Sure, expansion is fine, but I’ve started to build SoZ and need to build the GLib because I’m so backwards. So what’s my plan of action. Kill with swords! Until maces come in. You all think I should build GLib first of course, though, right? Right?)

 

[Sashie VII]

.......I think you should finish off the English first.....

 

[BuckyRea]

“So how’d we miss Rheims?”

“Not Rheims?”

Mary shook her head and pointed at a sign.

“Tours?”

“Yeah! Tours! Let’s take one of the town. I wonder what it’s called.”

I take it all back. The influence itsn't Monty Python. It's Abbot and Costello. Still a fun (or is that "fuuuuuuuunnnn!") read.

By the by, if you're behind in tech and fighting more than half your AI opponents (and particularly if you plan to genocide the English) I doubt you can nail down both Zeus and the Library. Of the two, I'd think Zeus is better (but the Templers are way better than the ancient cavs). You can always extort techs out of AI as you polish them off, so don't worry about a tech gap until the Industrial age.