#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[SuperBeaverInc.]

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but they have to do it again and again, because they always forget what they should say when they're on the ladder.

Q: How many CNN reporters it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Any one of them, but they'll keep repeating the story about what happened until something else breaks.

Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We will never find out, but Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it.

Q: How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. They're quite good at that sort of thing.

 

[Irish Caesar]

Q: How many UGA freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore class.

 

[conehead234]

Q. What do you call a UGA student with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

 

[ggganz]

How many CFC users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler :

It depends on how much PM storage thet have left so they can organize the changing.

 

[Atlas14]

Q: What does every "Tickle Me Elmo" come with before it leaves the factory?
A: Two test tickles...

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

Q. How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don't know for sure, they're still counting.

 

[classical_hero]

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but they have to do it again and again, because they always forget what they should say when they're on the ladder.

Here is another one on that joke.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to change it and six to say that it shoul have been them to change it.

 

[Swedishguy]

Q: How many norwegians does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: A hundred. One holds in the lightbulb and 99 rotates the house.

 

[classical_hero]

How many Ukranians does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they glow in the dark.

 

[Hitti-Litti]

How many Swedish do you need to screw a light bulb?
6, one holds the bulb and 5 drink booze until the house starts rotating in their eyes.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

 

[classical_hero]

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing our the W's.

Three blondes were on a deserted Island and they find a lanp and they rub the lamp and out comes a genie. The genie grants them three wishes, one each. The first blonde thought to herself and she was sick of hearing all the blonde jokes, so she wanted to prove to people that Blondes are smart, so she asked the genie to me 100% smarter. The genie grants the wish and she becomes a redhead. The second blondes see this and thinks that she also wants to be smarter but not too smart so that she thinks too much, so she asks to be 50% smarter,. So the genie grants the wish and she becomes a brunette. The final blonde says to herself, considering that I am blonde men generally like being around me so being smarter will not want to make them like me anymore so she asks the genie to make her 10% dumber, thinking that she will actually stay a blonde. The genie grants the wish and she become a man.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

 

[Swedishguy]

Q: What does it say on the bottom of a norwegian swimmingpool?
A: No smoking allowed.

 

[Hitti-Litti]

Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Swedish swimming pool?
A: Don't dive deeper than this.

TAKE THAT, SWEDISHGUY!

 

[Stegyre]

Okay, I’ve only looked through the past six pages, so forgive me if any of these have already been posted:

Jack dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to let him into Heaven. St. Peter is busy doing some paperwork. While waiting, Jack looks through the Gates, and sees a long hallway, with several doors lining both sides. After a minute, a man in a white coat comes out of one door and hastily walks through a door on the other side of the hall. A few minutes later, the same man comes out and enters a different door. This process continues for several minutes. Jack, wondering what’s going on whispers to St. Peter, “Excuse me, who is that man in the white coat who keeps going up and down the hallway?” St. Peter looks up from his work, with an embarrassed expression on his face, and says, “That’s just God. Sometimes he likes to pretend He’s a doctor.”

A man was walking down an alleyway in Northern Ireland, when he hears the click of a hammer being drawn back and feels the muzzle of a gun in his back. “Catholic of Protestant,” hissed the man behind him. Thinking quickly, he responds, “Jewish!” “Well,” says his assailant, “ain’t I just the luckiest Muslim in all Ireland?”

Jack and Dave were drinking in a bar, when Dave says to Jack, let me show you something. He opens a large box, and out steps a man, only one-foot tall, dressed in a black tuxedo, with tails, no less. The little man walks over to the piano, bows to the crowd, climbs up on the bench and proceeds to play a number of beautiful sonatas. When he’s done, after another bow, Jack claps , and says to Dave, “That’s fantastic! Where did you get him?” “Well,” says Jack, I was on the beach last week, when I found an old lamp washed up in the surf. As I was rubbing the sand off, smoke began to pour out of the lamp, and a genie appeared. He told me, ‘For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish.’” “And?!” asks Dave. “He must have thought I asked for a twelve-inch pianist.”

Upon the death of his sea-faring brother, a minister inherited a talking parrot. However, it wasn’t long before he learned that the parrot talked a blue-streak: “Polly wants a @$#%ing cracker!” it would screech, whenever hungry. “Show us your +!+$!” it squawked, whenever a woman walked by. And others, too crude to even allude to, here. The minister tried all he could to clean up the bird’s language. He read to it from the psalms – “@#$#@,” said the parrot; he preached sermons – “$h!+4brains!” the bird squawked; he prayed - "@$$#^*r". When the bird saw the framed picture of the minister’s dearly-departed mother, and began opining on the deceased’s sexual preferences and practices, the minister could stand it no longer! He grabbed the foul-mouthed bird, thrust it into the freezer, and slammed the door. For a few seconds, furious squawks came from the freezer, when suddenly, all was quiet. Not sure what to think, the minister waited another minute before opening the freezer door. The parrot stepped carefully out of the freezer, bowed to the minister, and chirped, “I wish to apologize for my language, and promise I shall do all I can to mend my ways.” “Well,” said the minister, “that will be a pleasant change.” “If you don’t mind me asking,” said the parrot, “what did the chicken do?”

Jack and Cindy had fallen on hard times. After much discussion, the decided the only way to make ends meet would be for Cindy to take up “the oldest profession in the world.” Cindy went out for her first night and “worked” from dusk til dawn. When she came home, Jack asked what her take had been. “$6.25,” said Cindy. “$6.25? Who gave you a quarter?” asked Jack. “Why, all of them, dear.”

EDIT: No Swedes or Norwegians were injured in any of these jokes.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

[puglover]

Good joke, but this was the funniest part for me...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Some people skills this pilot has.

 

[Stegyre]

One I heard a few years ago from Garrison Keilor:

Three engineers were discussing the nature of God.
The mechanical engineer opined, “Look at the articulation of the joints, the bones and muscles in the human body: God is clearly a mechanical engineer.”
“Nonsense,” says the electrical engineer. “Consider how the electrical impulses are transmitted through the nerves, and how the firing of neurons in the brain creates thought, even self-awareness. God is undoubtedly an electrical engineer.”
Last, the civil engineer shook his head. “God is undoubtedly a civil engineer, for only a civil engineer would run a waste-disposal line through the middle of a prime recreational area.”