#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
- Status
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
lol that cracks me up
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
lol that cracks me up
Two ministers, one from Church A and one from Church B*, were best friends. They lived near each other and would often go to their churches together. Minister A had a bike that he would ride, while Minister B walked.
One day, however, Minister A was walking. Minister B thought that was odd and asked what happened.
"Oh, I think somone stole my bicycle. I don't know who, and I am not sure what to do about it."
"I have an idea. In your sermon next week, recite the 10 Commandments. When you get to 'Thou shalt not Steal', really emphasize it. Maybe whoever stole it is in your congregation, and they will feel guilty and return it."
The next week, Minister A had his bike back. So Minister B asked, "Did you do it? Did it work?"
"Well, sort of. When I got to 'Thou shalt not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it."
*I got this from Lewis Grizzard, who explained that in the South one woukd substitute 'A' and 'B' with Methodist and Baptist, according to one's own denomination.
One day, however, Minister A was walking. Minister B thought that was odd and asked what happened.
"Oh, I think somone stole my bicycle. I don't know who, and I am not sure what to do about it."
"I have an idea. In your sermon next week, recite the 10 Commandments. When you get to 'Thou shalt not Steal', really emphasize it. Maybe whoever stole it is in your congregation, and they will feel guilty and return it."
The next week, Minister A had his bike back. So Minister B asked, "Did you do it? Did it work?"
"Well, sort of. When I got to 'Thou shalt not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it."
*I got this from Lewis Grizzard, who explained that in the South one woukd substitute 'A' and 'B' with Methodist and Baptist, according to one's own denomination.
Swedishguy
Deity
Why? Because.
''Knock, knock.''
''Who's there?''
''Hannibal.''
''Hannbal who?''
''Han i baljan!''
''Knock, knock.''
''Who's there?''
''Hannibal.''
''Hannbal who?''
''Han i baljan!''
Love
Deity
very very swedish
Swedishguy
Deity
I can do more if you like! Smart Arab backside out= Bara tramsgandhi rules said:
OK, here's a dirty one: What does the man stand up to do, the woman sit down to do and the dog lift it's leg to do? Shake hands!
Love
Deity
Jävla palindrom ![[pissed]](/images/smilies/pissed.gif "Pissed [pissed]")
Godwynn
March to the Sea
- Joined
- May 17, 2003
- Messages
- 20,524
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Godwynn
March to the Sea
- Joined
- May 17, 2003
- Messages
- 20,524
The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
SuperBeaverInc.
Groucho
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
Godwynn
March to the Sea
- Joined
- May 17, 2003
- Messages
- 20,524
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Godwynn
March to the Sea
- Joined
- May 17, 2003
- Messages
- 20,524
SuperBeaverInc. said:
Oh man. That is awesomeness.
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
Godwynn
March to the Sea
- Joined
- May 17, 2003
- Messages
- 20,524
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
Godwynn
March to the Sea
- Joined
- May 17, 2003
- Messages
- 20,524
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
SuperBeaverInc.
Groucho
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
GoodEnoughForMe
n.m.s.s.
Ok, so this isn't too funny... but it's all I have right now.
The Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?" When the cargo crew came by, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman?"
"Yes," said the crew member, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Sgt. Looper, "I'd better have a tranqulizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing Sarge," she said, "We no longer call it the cock pit."
"It's the Box Office."
The Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?" When the cargo crew came by, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman?"
"Yes," said the crew member, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Sgt. Looper, "I'd better have a tranqulizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing Sarge," she said, "We no longer call it the cock pit."
"It's the Box Office."
lol thats a good one
Swedishguy
Deity
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked him this:
''Why such a long face?''
''Why such a long face?''
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
With lots of nazis.
-----------------------------
Person A: "What does HIV stand for?"
Person B: Human Immunodeficiency Virus
Person A: "Are you positive"
Person B: Yes.
------------------------------
With lots of nazis.
-----------------------------
Person A: "What does HIV stand for?"
Person B: Human Immunodeficiency Virus
Person A: "Are you positive"
Person B: Yes.
------------------------------
classical_hero
In whom I trust
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four hundred and seventy two.
One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle,
One to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb,
One to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How Many Microsoft VP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight, one to work the light bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed in the world.
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they glow in the dark.
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many Marxist does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are in the light bulb itself.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes 30 visits.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five and you shoul have seen the light bulb! It must have been this big!
How many hetrosexual males does it take to change a light bulb in San Francisco?
Both of them.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. That's not funny.
2. Two, one to change the bulb and one to write how it felt
3. Three, one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications
4. Four, one to change it and three to write how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
5. Three, one to change the bulb and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
6. Two, one to screw it in and one to kick the balls of any man trying to help the first one.
How many netheads does it take to tell yet another a light bulb joke?
One thousand, six hundred and twnety tow. One to tell the original joke and the rest to give some minor variation of it.
Four hundred and seventy two.
One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle,
One to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb,
One to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How Many Microsoft VP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight, one to work the light bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed in the world.
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they glow in the dark.
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many Marxist does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are in the light bulb itself.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes 30 visits.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five and you shoul have seen the light bulb! It must have been this big!
How many hetrosexual males does it take to change a light bulb in San Francisco?
Both of them.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. That's not funny.
2. Two, one to change the bulb and one to write how it felt
3. Three, one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications
4. Four, one to change it and three to write how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
5. Three, one to change the bulb and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
6. Two, one to screw it in and one to kick the balls of any man trying to help the first one.
Spoiler long joke inside here :
How many netheads does it take to tell yet another a light bulb joke?
One thousand, six hundred and twnety tow. One to tell the original joke and the rest to give some minor variation of it.
- Status
