SS-18 ICBM
Oscillator
Poor pig.
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
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A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. A wizard told them that if they ran off the cliff over there, they would turn into whatever they wanted on the way down.
The brunette runs off the cliff and says "Hawk!" and turns into a hawk.
The redhead runs off the cliff and says "Eagle!" and turns into an eagle.
The blonde trips on a rock right before falling off, and says "Oh, crap!"
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Blonde, redhead, and brunette have a magic water slide that lets them land in a pool of whatever they shout when they slide down.
The redhead shouts "Water!" and lands in a pool of water.
The brunette shouts "Gatorade!" and lands in a pool of Gatorade.
The blonde is having so much fun that she just shouts "Wheeeeee!"
^^ That can be taken two ways, one gross, and one painful. (Wee, like pee, or a pile of Wiis)
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
-----------------------------------------
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."
-------------------------------
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
-------------------------------
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. A wizard told them that if they ran off the cliff over there, they would turn into whatever they wanted on the way down.
The brunette runs off the cliff and says "Hawk!" and turns into a hawk.
The redhead runs off the cliff and says "Eagle!" and turns into an eagle.
The blonde trips on a rock right before falling off, and says "Oh, crap!"
------------------------------------
Blonde, redhead, and brunette have a magic water slide that lets them land in a pool of whatever they shout when they slide down.
The redhead shouts "Water!" and lands in a pool of water.
The brunette shouts "Gatorade!" and lands in a pool of Gatorade.
The blonde is having so much fun that she just shouts "Wheeeeee!"
^^ That can be taken two ways, one gross, and one painful. (Wee, like pee, or a pile of Wiis)
Love
Deity
There is another version of the last one:
There was a Russian, a Scott and a Finn that was stuck in a desert, then they reached a pool with a trampoline, there was this guy there that said:
"You jump trampoline, and when jumping you say what you want in the pool, then you get what you want in the pool"
The russian jumped first. Saying:
"Vodka"
And he landed in a pool of vodka. (He also had some wounds over his whole body and died in a heart attack from the pain, ouch.)
Then it was the scotts turn, jumping and screaming:
"Whiskey"
And he landed in a pool of whiskey (but he got drunk and drowned)
Then the finn should jump. But he slipped and said:
"Skeida"
Which means "crap".
Guess what he landed in? (btw, he was the only one surviving)
A sensmoral for that joke:
Booze is good, but to survive, you need a lot of crap.
There was a Russian, a Scott and a Finn that was stuck in a desert, then they reached a pool with a trampoline, there was this guy there that said:
"You jump trampoline, and when jumping you say what you want in the pool, then you get what you want in the pool"
The russian jumped first. Saying:
"Vodka"
And he landed in a pool of vodka. (He also had some wounds over his whole body and died in a heart attack from the pain, ouch.)
Then it was the scotts turn, jumping and screaming:
"Whiskey"
And he landed in a pool of whiskey (but he got drunk and drowned)
Then the finn should jump. But he slipped and said:
"Skeida"
Which means "crap".
Guess what he landed in? (btw, he was the only one surviving)
A sensmoral for that joke:
Booze is good, but to survive, you need a lot of crap.
Yummy! 
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will
lead you to the Promised Land.
Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised
Land!
Now, Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will
lead you to the Promised Land.
Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised
Land!
Now, Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
GoodEnoughForMe
n.m.s.s.
Bushface
Deity
During the Gulf War, a member of the Parachute Regiment was told "If your parachute doesn't open, pray to Allah to save you." On his first mission, his parachute didn't open so he called out "Allah, please save me" and a big brown hand came out of the sky, caught him, and set him safely on the ground where he said "Thank Christ for that !"
And a big brown foot came out of the sky and squashed him flat.
And a big brown foot came out of the sky and squashed him flat.
A Muslim, a Buddhist, and a Christian were jumping off cliffs. The Muslim jumped off and said "Allah, Allah, Allah." and was lifted up by a cloud. The Buddhist jumped off and said "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." and a hand carried him away. The Christian jumped off and said "God, God, God." but nothing happened, so he said "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." and the hand caught him. He said "Thank God!" and the hand squeezed him.
Mirc
Not mIRC!!!
^ There are tens of variants of those jokes. 
I would avoid using Buddha though as nobody has ever regarded him as a God.
I would avoid using Buddha though as nobody has ever regarded him as a God.
Veritass
Emperor
Q. Why don't blind people sky dive?
Q. When blind people do sky dive, how do they know when to pull the rip cord?
These next are best done out loud.
Q. How do you make a dog meow?
Q. How do you make a cat bark?
Spoiler :
Q. When blind people do sky dive, how do they know when to pull the rip cord?
Spoiler :
These next are best done out loud.
Q. How do you make a dog meow?
Spoiler :
Q. How do you make a cat bark?
Spoiler :
Masquerouge
Deity
So this one guy has lost everything playing roulette in Las Vegas. The only thing he has left, actually, is his car. As he's about to drive away and go back home, he hears a voice saying:
"My son, go sell your car, and play all the money on number 17".
"Who's that?" he replied.
"I am Jesus", says the voice.
"Oh yeah? Replies the guy. Prove it then!"
And a sound is heard, then a flash, and bam his car turns into a brand-new Rolls-Royce.
"Now my son, go and sell your car, and bet everything on the 17"
"But, my Lord, I just lost everything playing roulette!"
"Don't be afraid, my son. Am I not your lord Jesus? Did I not just then proved to you my divine nature by performing a miracle?"
The man agrees. He goes to find a dealer, and sells his car for half a million dollar.
"Now go and bet everything on the 17, my son!"
"But, Lord, they have limits on what you can bet!"
a sound, a flash... and the voice says "Now they don't!"
So the guy enters the casino, buys half a million worth of chip, goes to the roulette table, and places everything on the 17.
"Are you sure?" asks the casino guy, remembering this was the same guy who had lost everything a couple of hours earlier.
"Definitely!" replies the man.
"very well! replies the casino guy. He throws the ball. It goes round and round. Everybody is now watching the incredible bet, and the guy is just smiling coolly, not worried at all.
The ball goes round and round, then slows and stops... on the 15.
and Jesus goes "Ah crap!" .
"My son, go sell your car, and play all the money on number 17".
"Who's that?" he replied.
"I am Jesus", says the voice.
"Oh yeah? Replies the guy. Prove it then!"
And a sound is heard, then a flash, and bam his car turns into a brand-new Rolls-Royce.
"Now my son, go and sell your car, and bet everything on the 17"
"But, my Lord, I just lost everything playing roulette!"
"Don't be afraid, my son. Am I not your lord Jesus? Did I not just then proved to you my divine nature by performing a miracle?"
The man agrees. He goes to find a dealer, and sells his car for half a million dollar.
"Now go and bet everything on the 17, my son!"
"But, Lord, they have limits on what you can bet!"
a sound, a flash... and the voice says "Now they don't!"
So the guy enters the casino, buys half a million worth of chip, goes to the roulette table, and places everything on the 17.
"Are you sure?" asks the casino guy, remembering this was the same guy who had lost everything a couple of hours earlier.
"Definitely!" replies the man.
"very well! replies the casino guy. He throws the ball. It goes round and round. Everybody is now watching the incredible bet, and the guy is just smiling coolly, not worried at all.
The ball goes round and round, then slows and stops... on the 15.
and Jesus goes "Ah crap!" .
Already posted.
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."
aronnax
Let your spirit be free
Once there was a women who loved nagging at her husband while he was farming in the fields. This made the man restless and tired of his wife
One day, while he was leading some donkeys into a shed, the wife was nagging away as usual when suddenly, one of the donkeys got agitated and kicked her down. She was dead within an hour.
News spread about her death and friends and relatives came to attend the funeral. At the funeral, the wife's sister saw many men come up to him and talking to him for a brief moment before the farmer shook his head and they walked away disapointed. The sister walked over to her brother-in-law and asked:
Did all those men come to offer you condolences?
And the Farmer replied :
No, they asked to buy the donkey
One day, while he was leading some donkeys into a shed, the wife was nagging away as usual when suddenly, one of the donkeys got agitated and kicked her down. She was dead within an hour.
News spread about her death and friends and relatives came to attend the funeral. At the funeral, the wife's sister saw many men come up to him and talking to him for a brief moment before the farmer shook his head and they walked away disapointed. The sister walked over to her brother-in-law and asked:
Did all those men come to offer you condolences?
And the Farmer replied :
No, they asked to buy the donkey
aronnax
Let your spirit be free
Whoops, i was watching a documentary about camels when I wrote that
LAnkou
Breizh A Tao
There was this sheepkeeper keeping his sheeps and came a car. A man comes from the car and said: "Hi, i'm lost. But if i can tell you how many sheeps you got, you will give me one sheep and tell me where i have to go to get to my goal...if not, i will give you $10 000"
The sheepkeeper agreed the bet. The man get back to his car, take his laptop, wired it to the web and after an hour of research using powerfull search engine, strong programs and high-disigned tools, he comes back to the keeper:
"-you've got 1334 sheeps
-That's correct. You can take one of my sheep. You want to go there"
The man run after a sheep and try to get it in his car. He have some great trouble so come the sheepkeeper:
"-I bet you the sheep that i can guess your job, if not, i help you to get it in the car...
-OK, what do i do for living
-You're a consulting engineering
-Whoa, how did you guess?
-well, you came from nowhere, i never wanted to get some business with you, you get me pay a price to told me useless things i already knew and...
-and?
-Please give me back my dog!"
____________________________________
Do you know what a swede is?
He's a Belgian who didn't reach Finland!!!
____________________________________
In France, we never know if in Belgium we have to pronounce Wallonie (the francophone part of Belgium) as Vallon or Ouallon.
So there's this french guy going to netherland and having a break in this part of belgium. He saw a guy and ask him:
"Do you know if we have to say Vallon or Ouallon?
-Oh it's Ouallon?
-Really, are you sure?
-yes, i'm sure, it's Ouallon, the land is the Ouallonie
-Right, but you're from the region?
-Oh no, i'm on Ouacations!!!"
The sheepkeeper agreed the bet. The man get back to his car, take his laptop, wired it to the web and after an hour of research using powerfull search engine, strong programs and high-disigned tools, he comes back to the keeper:
"-you've got 1334 sheeps
-That's correct. You can take one of my sheep. You want to go there"
The man run after a sheep and try to get it in his car. He have some great trouble so come the sheepkeeper:
"-I bet you the sheep that i can guess your job, if not, i help you to get it in the car...
-OK, what do i do for living
-You're a consulting engineering
-Whoa, how did you guess?
-well, you came from nowhere, i never wanted to get some business with you, you get me pay a price to told me useless things i already knew and...
-and?
-Please give me back my dog!"
____________________________________
Do you know what a swede is?
He's a Belgian who didn't reach Finland!!!
____________________________________
In France, we never know if in Belgium we have to pronounce Wallonie (the francophone part of Belgium) as Vallon or Ouallon.
So there's this french guy going to netherland and having a break in this part of belgium. He saw a guy and ask him:
"Do you know if we have to say Vallon or Ouallon?
-Oh it's Ouallon?
-Really, are you sure?
-yes, i'm sure, it's Ouallon, the land is the Ouallonie
-Right, but you're from the region?
-Oh no, i'm on Ouacations!!!"
Love
Deity
Explain before i troll please.
Hitti-Litti
Deity
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2006
- Messages
- 3,767
Finland is the land of all great things. [TROLL]Sweden is the land of all gay things.[/TROLL]
LAnkou
Breizh A Tao
well, instead of taking a sheep, the guy took a dog...
And the belgium/finland/sweden jokes, it's a bad adaptation of a french one about swiss/belgian and alsacian...
Remember i'm not an english speaker, so i may use word not totally appropriate...
In France, we consider Belgian and swiss as funny people (like the canadian joke that US could do, sweden jokes that danes or finns could do...). And a famous joke in France is:
Do you know what an alsacian is?
He's a Swiss who didn't reach (didn't travel enough to get to) Belgium
you can start trolling!!!
And the belgium/finland/sweden jokes, it's a bad adaptation of a french one about swiss/belgian and alsacian...
Remember i'm not an english speaker, so i may use word not totally appropriate...
In France, we consider Belgian and swiss as funny people (like the canadian joke that US could do, sweden jokes that danes or finns could do...). And a famous joke in France is:
Do you know what an alsacian is?
He's a Swiss who didn't reach (didn't travel enough to get to) Belgium
you can start trolling!!!
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