The PETA Alliance: A No-Animal-Cruelty Variant Report


The Todd
Jan 16, 2004
Glendale, CA
Note: The opinions, comments, and statements posited in the following report do not reflect the opinions of the author towards PETA or animals. Animals are yummy, fun to cage, and keep you warm after being skinned to make a fur coat. PETA are crazy and should be dealt with in the manner demonstrated in an episode of South Park. Just kidding.

First, I'd like to thank my inspirations: The Celtic Peacekeepers by the legendary daftpanzer and the RBCiv reports by the demigods Sirian and Sulla/Sullla. If it weren't for these fellas, I'd never have considered taking the time and effort to make a story/report.

Basic Gameplay Settings
Medium sea level
Random AI & user civs
Standard map size
Normal speed
Difficulty: Noble (I won my 1st and only game played on Prince, but due to expected handicaps, we're trying this on Noble.)

1) No animals shall be exploited. That means no spaces with animal resources will be improved by workers, although citizens may work the land that animals share. No animal-based units built. We considered avoiding animal-related techs, but in order to understand your enemy, you must first understand how to exploit animals like him.
2) In war, our first priority is not to subjugate and exploit people (i.e. capture cities). Rather, it is to free the poor animals subjugated by the AI by any means necessary.
3) "Barbarian" animals will not be attacked. However, if they attack our units due to some unfortunate misunderstanding, we're not responsible to any injuries they inflict on themselves.

Expected Impact
1) Severe health, growth, and trading impediments. Minor military impact (no knights, war elephants, cavalry, etc.)
2) Expansion via warfare will be curtailed. If we have to locate and disconnect enemy animal resources, it will take up time and units that could have been better used to attack cities.
3) Not much, except that we might lose a few extra units if we can only defend.

Note, there will be a lot of screenshots to follow, many at 1024x768. Unfortunate dial-up users have been warned. Enjoy!

Game on!

We draw Isabella randomly. Mysticism actually fits well with PETA’s beliefs, since we're all into that mystic animal stuff. Fishing allows us to understand the enemy dietary advisor’s position that “it’s ok to eat fish, cause they don’t have any feelings.”

Our starting position. Oinky oinky! Pigs! That’s one less group of animals that others can make suffer! In other news, we’re on a river, surrounded by plenty of trees, so that should help a bit. Also, silk nearby. PETA can’t hear the screams of the carrots (and other plants) so it’s ok to exploit them. Of course, this is quite the Calendar Start™. Funny, the revealed land looks a lot like a horse. Serendipity, anybody?

The global view of our starting spot. No reason, just shows how little you can see at the start. The blackness…the blackness…

In 4000AD, we found our capital, Piggly Wiggly in honor of our porcine friends. We find that incense is just to the west, as is a barbarian hut, and the coast is to our south. Methinks we are in the northern hemisphere. Research begins on Meditation to snag Buddhism, the most animal-friendly, and only, religion offered by Meditation...

PETA pops a hut, which gives us Hunting. Wicked natives, hunting poor defenseless animals! At least they shared their knowledge so we know how to stop hunters. Let us all dress us like deer and bravely parade through the forests!

Another popped hut to the west reveals the borders of the Arabian Empire. What, they have pigs too? No!!!!

Hoo-rah! We found Buddhism! We're, like, way into this whole belief system thing, so we head for Hinduism. Remember kiddies, Green Jello says bow to the Cow God.

Oh dear me. What a dilemma! Our warrior faces imminent attack from Lions! We don’t want to harm them, but what can we do?

Let’s just pretend that the lions went to the lovely land of Liontopia, where that can maul as they please. Our warriors had nothing to do with them after we first saw them….yep, that’s what happened.

In 3400BC we meet Saladin, the heathen animal molesterer. We notice that there are fish nearby. We must save them before he pickles them and puts them in a jar! (Unfortunately, PETA's screenshot machine seems to have failed for all interactions with the AI. Any ideas why/how to fix? The game's already finished, so it's too late to fix it for this story.)

Shortly thereafter, we meet our second animal-whipping opponent, Asoka! He has them evil eyes (y'all know what that looks like, right?), which indicates a propensity to be uncourteous to our (mostly) four-legged friends. Grr...

Welly, welly, well. We’re BudHindus. Cool.

One thousand years have passed for our civ and, umm, we found the lion that way. Must’ve been some animal-on-animal crime.

Another of our exploring warriors (Explorriors (TM)) met a lion. Well, due to an apparent lion-food shortage, a sacrifice had to be made. Our brave Explorrior volunteered to feed the lions. Mmm…fleshy.

Oh boy…bears! I hope they greet us instead of the cute little sheep!

Uhh, they came to greet us. Guess Yogi likes scout-kebabs.

Hmm, more bears. This won’t end in a bad way for the bears, we assume. Right? Right?

Well actually, it looks like we, umm, got a nice gift of experience from the bears before they safely walked away. How nice! They must’ve been the Berenstain Bears! Yep!

Sonofa! A pasture with invisible horses! Asoka is a bad, bad man. With funny eyes. And bad breath. Jerk.

Two thousand years after the game, err, world, err, our civ began, our first PETA proselytizer/settler is born! Now, shall we move west to seal off Saladin from other animals, or shall we expand east, in anticipation of Asoka’s increasing subjugation of our (often) furry friends?
I can't see any pictures.

We decide to go east, young man, to get some corn for the soon-to-be-needed health bonus, plus to try to seal off the silver. You know, it's awfully rare that I get silver, so, by golly, I really want it this time!

Not like it means anything, but in 1960BC, we’re solidly average in size. Thanks for pointing out our mediocrity, Tacitus!

We found Cornutopia in 1920BC. Corn shall be the cure to all of our future health woes! Or so we hope. We can live off of corn instead of pig! Imagine it now…corn bacon, corn in a blanket, corned corn. Woohoo!

Umm, a mysterious wolf "de-aliving-procedure by aliens" happens right in front of our scouts. Yep, we, umm, bear witness to the cruelties of extraterrestrials!

Gads! Saladin has plopped hot, sloppy, ploppy Medina at the choke point of our continent! I suppose that means we’re going to need to free that poor, subjugated stone later. What? You mean stone’s not an animal? Darnit, get over here AWeeIdiot! We’re not letting you be our animal scientist no more!

Looks like somebody founded Judaism. Looks like we’re not going to be BudHinJews. That’s ok, we don’t like blue and white anyway. They clash with our salmon colored civ.

By 1440BC, PETA has discovered the ways of Writing. Having done so, we decide to research Animal Husbandry, so that we can discover horsies that we can save!

Sonofa again! Asoka stole the wheat that was rightfully ours, as promised by Gaia, mother of all things living and otherwise, since we don’t harm animals! That jerko is getting on our nerves: -4: “You stole our delusionally-owned grain!”

Another shocker in 1240BC! Saladin expands to within one tile of our cultural borders to the southwest of Piggly Wiggly! That leaves us with few arable plots on which to build! We may pull a (insert name of a president) and invade other civilizations on the pretenses of liberating animals, but you didn’t hear that from us.

Hmm. Two barb warriors. Must be an invitation to do something or other. We're not sure what though...

Well, no wonder Saladin wants to be close to me. Looks like he got stuck on the far west end of the continent. And what’s this? An unpopped hut in 1040BC? Give me a needle, I’m about to pop this puppy! Err, no, that sounds like cruelty to animals. I’m about to pop this hutty!
we’re on a river, surrounded by plenty of trees, so that should help a bit. Also, silk nearby. PETA can’t hear the screams of the carrots (and other plants) so it’s ok to exploit them.

Nice variant - but I am not sure I understood the above :confused: - you're not intending to exploit the nice cuddly silk worms are you? Though granted they do not scream very loudly.
Sir Janus said:
Nice variant - but I am not sure I understood the above :confused: - you're not intending to exploit the nice cuddly silk worms are you? Though granted they do not scream very loudly.

Good catch. I myself didn't catch it until halfway through the game. We'll see how PETA deals with the mistake :mischief:
First of all,

Now, back to the story...

The popping gives us Math. Umm, great, my Favorite Subject ™.

Oh crud. In our rush to capture some of the last remaining good land in 1000BC on the continent, we sent out an unescorted settler. Fancy that…a barb warrior becoming visible only after the settler uses its second movement point. Great, grand, fantastic. No reloads here…we’ll just pretend the barb warrior was a nice little panther (with clubs) that we shared our tasty settler bodies with. Guess those pigs will have to wait a bit longer for our protection.

Yep. That hurt.

Wait, what’s that? A barb city? They’re going to conquer those pigs! Noooooooo! It’s now our priority to take that city, which appears to be situated on a hill. Suicide PETAteers, form up!

We adopt slavery, as it’s far more seemly to whip humans than to whip horses.

Little happened from 950 BC until 725BC, except for some fighting vs. barbarians. We found our third city, Silverington.

Asoka converts to Hinduism. How about we do the same to get the diplomatic bonus?

Well, looks like Asoka has another new city, which also happens to be the only one with Hinduism.

Hey now. Saladin took to Hinduism too! We’re one big happy family, in which two siblings maim squirrels. We’ll have to punish our bothersome brothers in the future. For now, we wait, and make pleather shoes...

We found our fourth city, Copperate, both to take advantage of the copper and to protect the beavers and whales. We also choose to research Calendar over Alphabet. We feel that we should finally make use of our Calendar Start ™.

The same year, in 400BC, Asoka converts to Buddhism. Ugh, now what do we believe? Do we stay as Hindus and stay chummy with Saladin, or do we switch to Buddhism to maintain the status quo with Asoka? Eh, Asoka violated the status quo, so let him be alone in religious brotherhood.

Hmm, wonderful. Good ol’ Herodotus has pointed out that we’re the weakest civ around in 350BC. Oh yeah? Oh yeah?!? That’s your opinion, buddy! Wanna fight about it!?! You do? Oh, umm, nevermind.

We also discover that Asoka has a new city: Calcutta. Sounds suspiciously like “cow cutter” which angers us. Speaking of cows, why aren’t there any on this continent??? Never seen a landmass this large without our bovine buddies.

The globe, upon discovery of Calendar in 1AD. Taoism founded elsewhere. If we want to add another head to our “hydra” ;) , we’ll have to get Theology or Divine Right first.

What? Saladin has subjugated (I love that word) horses to make chariots! Horses are for doing nice things to, not for whipping and making to pull carts!

And now it appears that he corralled pigs and fish! Egads!

Angry at Saladin's animal rights violations, we muster our forces and focus our anger on the barbarians in 275AD. It takes only 3 axemen (two with City Raider I+II) to unseat two barb archers from Zhou. The city is captured, the pigs are examined for injuries, and the town is renamed to “MineMineMine” to let everybody know to whom this city belongs.

We give Asoka Alphabet to convert back to Hinduism as of 375AD. Amazingly, this is the latest in the game I’ve been so far without having any negative modifiers on AI opinions of me. Must be the PETA belief system. Perhaps I shall swear off enslaving animals forever, in all future games? We shall see…

Christianity is founded in Calcutta. It must therefore be the religion of sheep-molesters and fishmongers. Calcutta will pay. Oh yes, they will pay dearly.

CrazyEyes Asoka (yep, we got that bug in this game) offers us sacrificial pigs shortly thereafter in exchange for silver. Never have we been so insulted! He angers us so. We kick military production up a notch. Bamm (TM)! (Lawyers, please note that PETA's "Bamm!" is in every way different from Emeril's "Bam!" except for pronunciation. If you plan on suing us, please form a SoD and enter our territorial waters, if you dare!)

Not much has happened, just a military build-up. We only hope we can break Asoka before he build longbows. If so, we’ll be able to take cities that would otherwise re-subjugate animals if we didn’t take them. Also, we’re #3 in culture. Whatever. PETA doesn’t need no stinkin’ culture. Wait, #3 is good? Cool.

NormalEyes Saladin offers us fish in exchange for silver in 860AD. Guess our silver is in demand…for those animal-haters to use to make formerly-living silver animals statues!!! Saladin begins to annoy me: “-2: You squish fish, but at least you have normal eyes.”

Asoka even offers us fur for a non-silver shiny rock. No, Asoka, you may not murder cute little beavers in order to get some copper from us. Jerk.

This is Asoka’s land shortly before we think we’ll invade to liberate the oppressed animals. We’ve superimposed the resources screenshot on top of the cultural screenshot. We’re going to have a long way to go to free all animals before we seize cities to reeducate citizens. There are two horse and one pig resource on the far side of Asoka’s empire. It will take 10 turns for our Petan soldiers to march to liberate the northern horses. Worse, it will take 17 turns for our first galley to reach Asoka’s two ensnared fish resources; if only we’d built a city on the southern coast of the continent.

Asoka managed to sneak two new cities onto the map: Kolhapur on an icy wasteland and Karachi by the northern horses. Also, it looks like Asoka’s built mostly archers, with a few chariots and spears, but no axemen or swords. A quick resource scan reinforces this: he has no iron or copper, but must have iron from Saladin in order to have built the spears.

With our treasury running low (63g @ -7gpt) in 880AD, we trade Code of Laws to Saladin for all of his 280 gold and knowledge of the whipping of horses, aka Horseback Riding. It’s disgusting, but useful knowledge to have.

Asoka converts to Christianity again. Hmmph. We arbitrarily declare it the last straw and ready our stacks for human-on-human violence.
Dateline: 1050AD. Finally, we declare war on Asoka! Let us free our oppressed animal brothers!

We take Madras and Bombay. This war has begun well.

Dagnabit! A few turns into the war, Asoka gets longbowmen. This war could grind to a halt soon, so PETA better force him to animal-friendly terms.

We destroy Kolhapur to show Asoka we mean business. Longbowmen or not, we shall overcome...or maybe we'll just come over, if he invites us. Don't worry, we'll be sure to take off our shoes.

We also notice that our citizens in Piggly Wiggly are unhappy. What? War weariness? My fellow Petans, we are fighting a just war to free our animal cousins! How could you possibly be tired of it? Fine, we’ll settle the war soon…in the meantime, we’ll build you a coliseum.

We are forced to fight humans who use animals as their vassals. Amazingly, our swordsmen are so skilled that in one swipe, they both kill the charioteers and sever the reins from the poor horses. (The horse you see lying down is merely resting his hooves momentarily.) The horsies then run away and live happily ever after. The end.

We wait for one last catapult to arrive in 1190AD before assaulting Calcutta. But what’s this? Our first non-island worldly neighbor! Bismark! He looks like an animal-lover, right? An eagle on his helmet and a big fuzzy moustache (which you would see if the darn screenshot worked)? I don’t see his unit anywhere, so maybe Bismark’s telepathic.

Hmm, looks like Saladin has elephants, even though none appear in his lands. Some poacher elsewhere must be enslaving them and sending them over the sea! Evildoers! An Axis of Elephant-Enslaving Evil!

Finally, we take Calcutta. This shall be the last city we take in this, the First Slaughter of Animal Slaughterers.

Our objectives are complete! Our axemen free the northern horses, the last of the enslaved animals in Indian territory! At the same time, Asoka lands 2 horse archers and moves a galley with a settler towards the ruins of Kolhapur. We could prolong the war, as Asoka has a minor amount of units (8 archers, 2 longbowmen, 1 spearman, & 1 axeman) in his cities. We’ll be kind and give him a reprieve, but if he subjugates the 2 horses and the pig that still remain in his lands again, we swear we’ll finish the job. We sue for peace. We don’t get the techs we’d have liked, but the First Slaughter of Animal-Slaughterers is over.

This war turned out to be much more successful than PETA had dreamed, with the primary goal of freeing all animals succeeding. We ended up taking Madras and Bombay and Calcutta, destroyed Kolhapur, and freed 2 beavers, 2 fish, 1 pig, 1 sheep, and 2 horses and 1 pig temporarily (near Delhi).

We expect that the 2nd Slaughter of Animal-Slaughterers will not be long in coming. Either Asoka will be driven from this world, or Saladin will be taught a lesson.

A quick look at the scores and stats show that PETA is doing well. We shall free all animals! Huzzah!

Looks like Bismark was a busy bee and had a golden age to boot!

Unfortunately, we’re not as strong as we thought we were, at #6 in soldiers. We’re not worried. At our signal, all animals in the world will revolt against their human oppressors and help us free them! Riiiiiggghhhttt......

Yes, we have the #1 city in the world, even without a wonder. Must be the 2 religions. PETA rocks! Err, P3T4 r0x0rz! (We have no idea what we just said.) BTW, we'll pretend we didn't see that the Incans also inhabit our world.

Arghhhhhh. Asoka built Jaipur near the ruins of Kolhapur. That means he’s going to trap those poor beavers, then, if the city’s border expands, he'll also ensnare those fish. He. Must. Go.

Asoka founded Islam. Yet another religion PETA will control after killing animal-killers.

Trading maps with Saladin reveals that the Incans (wow, what a surprise) and Chinese live nearby. We shall go greet them, to spread the gospel of PETA.

What the heck? Now Asoka builds Hyderabad? What we’d hoped would be our ANWR (without the potential drilling…so far), has turned out to be his western Siberia.

We need to do something about our finances, too. Hemorrhaging 15 gpt is not fun. Usually, we get a grip of gpt from AI trades, but since the AI doesn’t have much, we’re hurtin’. We’ll see what the Chinese and Incans have for us.

Well, well, well. We’re the largest civ in 1410AD! That must mean that there haven’t been any large-scale, successful wars elsewhere, which makes sense for Noble. That’s why I like Prince, even though I’ve only played 1 game on it so far.

China says hello that same year. Hello, China! How are you? Release all your animals or be frowned at! Oh... fine then :( Right afterwards, Heya Kolchak, err, Heyo Cape, ugh, umm, err, ahh, Huayna Capac sez “Yo!”

It turns out we’re slightly behind QSH (Qin Shi Huang) in score and slightly ahead of HC (whatshisname). We begin to wonder where that other, possibly isolated, civ is.

Grr, now Saladin plopped a city in our ANWR. Will the AI never learn? No matter, they will pay later.

Oh Ho! The very next turn, Tokugawa, Mr. Isolation himself, shows his face. So it is Bismark who is isolated, but who explored early.

WOOHOO! Our first Great Person, finally, in the late, late year of 1555AD! Sinan, which looks suspiciously like Sirian ;) We decide to save him for a bit.

We end up giving Bismark Paper for his world map. Holy animal, the freakin’ world is revealed!

Hyderabad revolts. Once more and that means there’s one less city on which PETA must impose animal rights!

We get Liberalism first in 1610AD! PETA is the most liberal group around! Yay! What do you mean “liberal” is a dirty word? Gads… We choose Printing Press as our free tech to reduce our deficit, so that we have more money with which to free the animals!

What? Hyderabad went to Saladin??? With his 1 tiny little city up there? Puckey!!! Darn Great Artist…hooey. That's the first time I've experienced a quality AI culture-bomb, let alone one that netted him a culture-flipped city.
Always nice to pop into a random thread and see my name mentioned. Keep up the good work! (Oh, and ouch on having a settler eaten by barbs. There is no such thing as a Farmer's Gambit in Civ4. But even after that happened, I still see unguarded cities in the pictures. Pushing our luck, are we? ;))

This is also one of the best lines I've seen in a while: "No, Asoka, you may not murder cute little beavers in order to get some copper from us. Jerk." :lol:

Very entertaining read! :goodjob:
Sullla said:
Always nice to pop into a random thread and see my name mentioned. Keep up the good work! (Oh, and ouch on having a settler eaten by barbs. There is no such thing as a Farmer's Gambit in Civ4. But even after that happened, I still see unguarded cities in the pictures. Pushing our luck, are we? ;))

This is also one of the best lines I've seen in a while: "No, Asoka, you may not murder cute little beavers in order to get some copper from us. Jerk." :lol:

Very entertaining read! :goodjob:

Thanks, that means a lot coming from you. :D Yeah, so, the unguarded cities are, umm, "tactically unoccupied." :mischief: Figured they should be ok, since barbs were long-gone after I took that city.

On with the story...
By 1630AD, PETA has just about caught up in the tech race. Only QSH has a tech we don’t have. Thank you Secret Squirrel and other animal tech spies!

It’s also just about time to wipe Asoka and his animal-abusing ways from the planet. We use a ton of catapults, some swords and maces, and march on his remaining 5 cities.

We also use a new Great Engineer (plus the old one) to discover Replaceable Parts. No buildings we want to rush (Forbidden Palace? Versailles?), no chance for Golden Age yet. Could have added them as super-citizens. Meh.

Lahore falls in the initial attack, with no Petan casualties. The troops also sink a galleon in the city, which was undoubtedly used for transporting enslaved animals.

What? War weariness in Madras already!?! No, they “yearn” to join their motherland. What? WHAT? Your “Motherland” kills the MOTHERS of ANIMALS! Your former leader, Asoka, killed Bambi's mother! Nooooooo, you shall not rejoin India. Sillybutts.

Asoka makes a run for the western end of the German continent. PETA prepares to rush 2 galleons to ensure he doesn’t make it. He know his animal-annoying days are over.

1650AD – Delhi falls. Word.

Hmm, never seen this before. Must be thanks to the Germans’ Enigma machine.

Karachi, the holy city of Islam, falls to PETA’s power. Two more Indian cities on this continent, then perhaps 1 far to the south.

The Petan war machine marches on. Jaipur falls to our armies. We decide to keep it, lest the AI build another city there, which it seems intent on doing.

Bangalore, the last Indian stronghold on our animal-loving continent, falls to our animal-allied (hence the PETA Alliance) warmongers. We also end up freeing their 2 subjugated horses and 1 pig and a crab within a few turns. It turns out there were no more Indian cities; hence, India has been destroyed! Either their galleon and its units were sunk, the units were offed down by the barb city, or that darn “settler on a boat” jig is up. Hooray! Now, onto our next murderous rampage, err, liberation effort!

Oh amazing. Absolutely amazing. A size 7 barb city in the age of muskets defended by 2 warriors! Now, PETA could raze it, or we could leave it to interfere with other civs. Our first inclination is to leave it, but we notice that they have fenced in sheep. SHEEP! WE MUST FREE THE SHEEP! The 2 muskets in a galleon that were to wipe out the imaginary offshore Indian city are sent to raze Hurrian and free its sheep.

Unfortunately, our agenda of avoiding disturbing animals is incomplete. The northern horses are stuck with a road through their land. We should have pillaged it during wartime, but now that its in our borders, we can’t. ARGH! PETA is unable to be perfect in its mission! Oh well, I suppose our 4 gods (from Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, and Islam) are trying to tell us something. We're not sure what it is, but PETA will persevere.
Nice story. Keep it up!
Top Bottom