NES Records: Part One
The Evolution of Man
By Thlayli
MOD: So...what do you guys think?
PROM_E_Theus: I dunno, you decide.
MOD: Hey, this is a community effort! Ok, Z man, you're in charge of designing them.
Zues: Ok. Let's make them live in caves.
Atlas: Nah, caves are boring.
Zues: Dammit, caves! And they'll be really stupid.
PROM_E_Theus: Riiight. I so should have joined NES5 IX.
MOD: Well, I'll be gone for the next few days. You guys work it out, and then send the description to me. Then I'll do an Update 0 or something.
Zues: At, buddy, I've got so much work this weekend, can you just do the description? Stupid, living in caves, we control their every whim, stuff like that?
Atlas: Actually, no.
Zues: Why not?
Atlas: Uhm...well...I kinda have a date with Hera.
Zues: 0_0 *sigh* Whatever. Prom, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you'll have to do the description.
PROM_E_Theus: Woot! This'll be even cooler than LINES XXII!!
Zues: Uh, sure. So remember what I said, ok? Really stupid, living in caves, probably furry with claws or something.
PROM_E_Theus: Gotcha.
Zues: Ok. Be back Monday, guys!
Atlas: See ya.
Thene_A: K, bye.
Two weeks later...
MOD: Ok, the update's up. And here's the areas where the primitive intelligent tribes are migrating.
Zues: WTH?!
PROM_E_Theus: LOL, living in caves, suuure.
Zues: You stupid little!
Atlas: Eh, who knows? It might be fun.
Early History
By North King
[UPDATE 0]
Geelgameesh: Haha, n00bs. that's how you set up an empire.
Sargon_teh_1337: STFU, n00b. Ur going down next update. Get it? "Ur going down". lolz.
Manu: Lol, no one's around me. Hey, WTH are those Aryans smoking? No way in he11 are tehy getting thru my cities.
Yello_Emps: Schweet, I like this ****.
Chavinzorz: Hey, WTH? Why does everyone else have bronze and I'm in teh Copper age!?
Sargon_teh_1337: Cause you started in America, n00b.
Chavinzorz: WTH, tat isn't fair!!1
Olmec_head_statue: Tell me about it.
Sargon_teh_1337: STFU n00bs. Don't start in America next time.
Goliath: Hey, kin I join? I wanna be teh Sea Peoples.
Ramses: Go **** urself, Sea People n00b.
Goliath: I'm gonna kill you, Ramses.
Ramses: Teh **** u r.
Sargon_teh_1337: Yeah, im gonna be teh 1 to kill u, Ramses. Lol.
Geelgameesh: Look, Sargon, if you don't STFU, we're gonna gangbang Akkad.
Sargon_teh_1337: Not mai fault u all r n00bs.
Geelgameesh: Look, im serius.
Agamemnon: Hey, Greece is mine!
Hector_SMASH: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Agamemnon: Yo, Achilles, join this NES?
Achilles: Sure. Who we kill?
Agamemnon: You be some Greek state, and we're gonna gangbang Hector
Hector_SMASH: Hey, no fair!
Sargon_teh_1337: STFU n00bs.
Geelgameesh: That does it, Sargon, I'm gonna kill u.
Sargon_teh_1337: I'm quaking in me boots. lol.
[UPDATE 1]
Sargon_teh_1337: HA! PWNZOR'D!
Geelgameesh: WTH? I was teh first civilization in the world! You ***.
Sargon_teh_1337: Ur teh first dead civilization, lolz.
Manu: HEY! WTH! WTH! STUPID ****ING ARYANS! I QUIT!
Yello_Emps: Ha! pwnt.
Manu: WTH? Why does he still have a nation?
Yello_Emps: Dynasty switching FTW!
Manu: ****ing mod. I quit.
Yello_Emps: You already quit.
Achilles: Hey, shut up, u guyz. HEY! LOOK!
Agamemnon: Pwnt! Troy gets pwnt up the ***!
Hector_SMASH: Right. I'm still in this game, ***es.
Battle of Thermopylae
By Kal'Thzar
Xerxes: Grece I kill u.
Marc: Uhh but you know the Spartans UU is trained to Elite+20...
Leo: AND I put another 10 eco into it this turn!
Xerxes: so? STFU noob.
Leo: Orders sent, MOD you BETTER listen to me when I tell you where I will make my stand.
After update
Xerxes: WTH? My Navy GONE, Army practically dead, how this happen?
Mod: You said, "Invade Grece with 1mill men and loadsa boats, lolsers"
Xerxes: STFU, I not play in such a stupid game, i quit.
The Armada
Posted at 12:00:
philip2: ph3ar me! My armada shall conquor u!
posted at 12.05:
philip2: its been 5 WHOLE minutes, wheres the update?
posted at 12.07:
philip2: we want update NAO!
posted at 12.08:
philip2: NAO NAO NAO!
posted at 12.15:
philip2: NAO?
And So The Armadas Fate was sealed.
Following Alexander the Great's Conquests
By Lord_Iggy
Darius3: OMFG!!! $@!#%^!!! Didn't you get my vacation orders?
MOD: Uh, no, you must have sent them to yourself, or someone else.
Alex_teh_Great: Well, a good war anyway.
Darius3: What? I didn't fight a turn of it? I spent months working on building up my Persian empire, and then you just join, write some stories, and wipe me out while I'm on vacation? That's really stupid.
Alex_teh_Great: Don't mind it. I've conquered something untenable anyway, and the mod killed off my leader. You'll probably get back Persia soon anyway.
Darius3: I'm still bitter, I mean, even if I didn't send orders, how the heck did so few Macedonians defeat me?
MOD: Awesome tactics. Sorry Dari.
Darius3: Meh, it's okay. Alex is right, I'll just take some nation when the Hellenic Empire collapses.
Alex_teh_Great: Next turn probably. The mod doesn't like conquerors like me building lasting empires.
World War II
By Imago
HITler-I invade Poland!
Church-Hill-Can’t let that Poland fall. I declare war on Germany.
DEgaul-Ditto.
HITler-What’s this all about? You let me take Austria and Czechoslovakia? What’s Poland to you?
Church-Hill-Alliance dragged me in, and I don’t want a reputation hit.
PolAND-Hey! What’s this?
MOD-…And German tanks take out charging Polish calvary…
HITler-Stupid n00b.
PolAND-Germany maybe I can understand, but why did Russia have to attack me too?
Stalinator-Deal I made with Germany before you took the country. Sorry.
HITler-OK. I need more eco centers. I’ll invade the rest of neutral Europe.
DEgaul-My God…sending an army through Belgium… My 20-Turn project wall is useless…
HITler-Stupid Maginot Line. I’ll let you keep the southern third of your country if you be my puppet state.
DEgaul-Sure!
Church-Hill-You’re just folding…
DEgaul-It’s more fun on this side. You get to murder innocent people here.
HITler-It’s just… I wanted story bonuses, and I couldn’t think about anything else to write about…
MooseLINI-Murder? Sounds like fun. I’ll join the Axis!
HITler-Okay, then.
Church-Hill-My eco centers… My beautiful eco centers! What did you do to them!
HITler-Bombed them, duh! This is the easiest war ever! Operation Sea Lion, here we come!
HITler-Wait, what’s this? You still have an air force? Damn. I’ll invade you later, then.
Church-Hill-Ha-ha!
MooseLINI-I’ll invade Greece!
HITler-Greece?
MOD-…And Greece, despite Italian superiority, forces the Italians back into Albania…
MooseLINI-Who needs tactics?! I’ll put half a million troops in your territory, and then we’ll see who’s the boss of whom!
MOD-Are you aware you’re talking to an NPC?
MooseLINI-I lost again? Well then, let’s forget about Greece… All right, how else can I help you Germany?! I know! I’ll invade British Somaliland! W00t! FTW! I came, I saw, I conquered!
Church-Hill-You are aware British Somaliland has no eco centers, right?
HITler-…stupid ally.
MooseLINI-Alright then, if you’re so smart, you tell me what to invade.
HITler-Try to get the Suez Canal.
MooseLINI-Yes, sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RoseVelt-I have now just made pubic the Lend-Lease Act. Germany, be aware I frown upon your actions.
HITler-Oh, Shut Up. You can’t even be bothered to enter the war!
RoseVelt-…I’m a builder.
HITler-Okay, I just got Hungary and Bulgaria on my side, and took Yugoslavia, and Greece…finally. (Damn stupid losses at Crete!!! It’s just a small island. Why was it so hard to capture?)
HITler-Okay, this is getting boring. Britian just sits there, and I have to invade somebody… Ah, Russia!
Stalinator-WTH??!! I’m your ally! And you just invaded the largest country in the world. I’ll never let you get away with this!!
HITler-Eat 400 Army Divisions, creep. Operation Barabarooooooooooooooooosa!!!!!
HITler-I’m almost at Moscow, now!
Stalinator-Almost, but not quite.
HITler-Stupid winter.
RoseVelt-I must say, T0j0’s actions in China have been quite depressing. I’m going to have to place an oil embargo on his country.
T0j0-No fair…I wasn’t invading you, I was invading South-East Asia and China!
RoseVelt-And now you’ll have to stop. See, non-military actions can still accomplish goals.
RoseVelt-My. Beautiful. Pearl. Harbor. Is. Gone. Noooooooooooooooooooo!
T0j0-Take that, stupid peacemonger.
RoseVelt-I am sorry to say that the United States, in light of recent events, must go to war with Japan.
T0j0-You don’t even know how to fight a war, do you? I’ll crush you, and China, and everybody else that stands in my way.
HITler-Germany declares war on the US. Japan, now that we’re helping you, can you help us by invading Russia from the far end?
T0j0-Nope.
HITler-Damn!
T0j0-Hong Kong, down. Philippines, down. Malaysia, down. Borneo, down. Singapore, down.
Church-Hill-Not Singapore!
Stalinator-Take that, HITler!
HITler-I might be slowed, but I’m still moving forward, and you lost 20 divisions at Kharkov.
Stalinator-I’ll fight to the end. The end, I tell you!
HITler-How unrealistic.
MooseLINI-I can’t reach the Suez! I’m being turned back!
HITler-Why did I bother to waste good divisions to help him?
Rose-Velt-I proudly present Operation Torch.
MooseLINI-Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo!
HITler-What Moose said.
Rose-Velt-And, I’m not just good in the Mediterranean. I’m good in the Pacific, too.
T0j0-You beat me at Midway. You knew my plans. MOD!
MOD-America was able to break the Japanese codes, so I told Rose-Velt everything.
Rose-Velt-See, spending eco on things like Cryptography IS worth it.
T0j0-And I’m starting to loose in China too? Damn.
Stalinator-I’m winning.
HITler-Slowly, though.
Stalinator-But I’m still winning. Ukraine’s mine again, baby!
MooseLINI-What??!! Sicily fell??!! No way??!!
MOD-Due to all of Italy’s recent failures, your nation has ousted you as a leader.
MooseLINI-NO way! You can’t do that!
MooseLINI-You’re not booting me from the game. I…I QUIT! HA!
MOD-…And southern Italy falls to the allies…
HITler-I’m not sure why I’m offering you this, MooseLINI, but I’ll let you have a German puppet state in Northern Italy if you come back.
MooseLINI-Sure! The first time I left, it was just a misunderstanding.
HITler-Whatever you say.
T0j0-Hey! Why am I still loosing in China and the Pacific?
MOD-Realism.
Stalinator-You thought you could take Moscow. Well, I’m going to be taking Berlin!
HITler-*sweats* Got to conquer somebody. Got to conquer somebody. Ah, Hungary.
MOD-Hungary’s on your side.
HITler-Ah well, I’m Hungary for Hungary!
MOD-…
Stalinator-…
Stalinator-I give thee-Operation Bagration!
HITler-I lost 80 divisions! 80 divisions!
MOD-And Belarus.
HITler-But I’m not dead yet. I got V-Rockets that I developed. World’s first cruise missiles and all that. Yeah!
Rose-Velt-Wait until you see what my secret project is.
Church-Hill-D-Day!
DEgaul-I think I’ve decided to stop being your puppet state, HITler. I’ll fight you instead.
HITler-Why????????
Rose-Velt-You lost the Battle of the Budge, HITler. The end is near. Give up.
T0j0-Not so for me. Hah! I can last forever.
MooseLINI-We’re loosing so bad, HITler. I quit!
MOD-…Mussolini’s body was hung upside down on public display…
HITler-Serves you right, little Moose. Wait, what… He’s my last ally. I QUIT!!!!
MOD-…And Germany collapses…
T0j0-I’m not dead yet! You’ll have to kill every last one of my divisions before Japan falls!
Rose-Velt-I quit. All I wanted to do was be peaceful, and look what this NES turned into.
Church-Hill-But…what about that secret project you were telling me about, that could end the war?
The True Man-I’ll take the USA!
MOD-Look in your PM box, and you’ll see what the secret project was.
The True Man-Cool!!! Nukes!!!!
T0j0-What’s a nuke?
The True Man-Like I’m telling you!!!!!
T0j0-Well, I assure you, whatever a nuke is, Japan will fight to the very end!
...
T0j0-...Oh…I…Surrender. *Begs*
Cuban Missile Crisis
By TheBladeRoden
MOD: Cuba's open.
fiD4l: I'll take it.
MOD: It's yours.
Isenhauer: Dude, WTH no! I hate that noob fiD4l! Cancel all trade agreements! EDIT: n/m I'm quitting
fiD4l: w/e dude. Who needs you anyway
MOD: America's open again.
Ken_Eddy: I want it.
Nixn13: I'll take US.
MOD: Too slow, Nixn13
Nixn13: Meh, I'll try again later.
Ken_Eddy: Invade Cuba.
fiD4l: Damn, warmonger much?
MOD: Invasion fails. America loses 1 battalion of semi-rabble infantry.
fid4l: Haha, WTH? that was easy
Ken_Eddy: Grr, was hoping for rebellion.
KrewChev: FFS Ken_Eddy! Quit spamming out med nukes in Turkey!
fid4l: to KrewChev
Dude, Ken_Eddy's gettin on my ass too. Wanna have a DP? I'll change government to Communist. 
KrewChev: to fid4l
OK Got something else for ya too.
gaul: Ken_Eddy, I think KrewChev might be putting missiles in Cuba.
KrewChev: Haha, no way!
Ken_Eddy: Yeah, gual, he's not that stupid! <_< >_> But build some UU Spy Planes anyway.
MOD: UU Spy Planes report possible missile site project 3/8 in Cuba.
Ken_Eddy: Yeah right. My UU sux.
KrewChev: Tru
MOD: Cuba completes missile sites project.
Ken_Eddy: What nowai! They don't have the tech level!
KrewChev: ;P
Ken_Eddy: :| I see what you did thar. Send 3 ships to blockade, er, quarantine Cuba.
fiD4l: 
KrewChev: Did what where? *whistles*
Ken_Eddy: Duh! look at the attached pic!
fiD4l: !!! Only for defense, k?
KrewChev: Ya, look what you did in Turkey!
Ken_Eddy: Whatev I bet those r nuke sites.
Send in more UU spy planes.
fiD4l: Man, these spy planes ar getitng on my nerves! Build Anti-Air defenses!
MOD: America loses 1 UU Spy Plane to Cuban AA defenses.
KreChev: dude dont he'll invade you!
fiD4l: So? You're sending me nukes let's see him invade. Afterall 
Ken_Eddy: I still got that blockade remember.
KreChev: Ken_Eddy, we'll get our med nukes out of Cuba in exchange for you
1.don't dec. war on fiD4l and
2.getting your med nukes out of Turkey. And a 5 year NAP.
Ken_Eddy: We'll do #1 but not #2! (PM to KreChev) Okay we'll do #2 too.
MOD: Cuba loses Missile Site Project. Cuba loses 10 nukes. Russia loses 1 Confidence.
Ken_Eddy:
KreChev: Damn! Why'd you keep that in PM?
fiD4l: Man! You're all ****ing losers you know that!?
Ken_Eddy: Geez, I hope that fiD4l quits soon.
Just before the 1984 update
By das
Originally Posted by Thatcher
Hurry up please! Did a war start or something?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reagan
Yes, actually - I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever! We begin bombing in five minutes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chernenko
WTH?! A war?! That's just ********, I quit!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reagan
Can't you wait until the update?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thatcher
Don't go, he was probably only kidding anyway! Yeah right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reagan
Damn, he's offline. Now I won't get to gloat about his doom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gorbachev
Hmm, so USSR is open now? I'll join in after update - if ofcourse anything is left of it. But we will fight to the last!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reagan
Can't you people take a joke?!
2000 - Present
By j_eps
E-HU-Da-man Barak : That's it! I will withdraw from Lebanon. For now....
HaRiRi: FINALLY!!!! w00t! MOD, I need to update my orders. Fire rockets at Israel. No, better yet, allow allies to give rockets to organizations we are trying to "supress" to fire at Israel!
Yasser ARABfat : I have a great idea for a new UU! A suicide bomber. They blow themselves up and kill civilians!
MOD : That has been your UU since the Second Intafada. No, the FIRST Intafada. Wait, actually since BEFORE the Intifadas!
Yasser ARABfat : Well than spend all my eco points building them this turn!
Billy C : Make Love, (but not to that woman) not war! Take this plan. I call it The Sharm al-Sheikh agreement!!!!
Yasser ARABfat : Okay! Oh wait now that I read it.... ATTACK!
ARIEl shARON : SWEET! I GOT ELECTED! I PWN YOU ALL!!!!! I AM 1337er THAN YOU!
E-HU-Da-man Barak : That's it! I am gone. ƒ^¢# you all!
Yasser ARABfat : UU's attack their buses, pizza parlours, ice cream shops, resteraunts and malls. They can't live without them.
ARIEl shARON : Buses, pizza parlours, malls, and resteraunts I can live without. BUT THIS IS A DESERT COUNTRY! WE NEED ICE CREAM! Mod, start conscription!
MOD : You have had that since....1948. You two, I will have unfavorable events coming to both of you in the future for requesting things you already have. One of you shall live no longer than 3 more years. As for the other, I'll give you 5 but you wont be able to do anything then!
Yasser ARABfat : Dude, seriously. Stop planning that far ahead. Its like your not giving our orders a chance, you already know whats going to happen.
oSaMa BiN LaDeN : TAKE THIS AMERICAN INFIDELS!
G Dubya : Your invaded. We will use our nukular weapons against you if needed.
AhmAdInEjAd : I'm starting Nukes and nobody can do a thing!
SadDAMn : Mod, hide all my wmd's! UN is coming!
Title: WMD POEM
AUTHOR : SADDAM
There once was a man named saddam,
He had many dangerous bombs.
The UN was coming,
and the war drums were drumming.
SO I HID THE BOMB AND KILLED EVERYONE WHO KNEW ABOUT IT!
Mod : Not great poetry, but creative. For that I will let you hide the WMD's safely.
G Dubya : OMG WTH!!!! I know he has those nukular weapons somewhere!
ARIEl shARON : DONT FORGET ME! I may or may not have nukes. I WILL SAY NOTHING! NOTHING I TELL YOU! PUT ME IN THE PAPERS!
oSaMa BiN LaDeN : You can't find me!!!! Madrid take that! You too London!
SadDAMn : ^@@$#R%$#@%@#Q%#!@@!#%^$#$%@#$^QJI#J!!!!!
THE AMERICANS WHO CANT SPEAK INTELLIGENTLY CAUGHT ME! NO FAIR!
Mod : You didnt send your orders in.
SadDAMn : I was in a farmhouse hiding! I couldn't get my orders in! I SAID NPC ME!
G Dubya : MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!
...
MOD : It's been 3 years!
Yasser ARABfat : HAHA! I Feel fine. Too bad for *dies*
A-BBuS Bomber : I WIN THE ELECTION! HAMAS ALL THE WAY!
ARIEl shARON : New party!!! GO KADIMA! MORE HUMMUS LESS HAMAS!!!!!
A-BBuS Bomber : I will beat you! MY ORDERS ARE WAY BETTER!
...
MOD : How are you feeling ariel?
ARIEl shARON : Fine I'm zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
E-HU-Da-man OLMERT : I'll take M'dinat Yisrael!
Nasrallah : I've taken your soldiers! What are you going to do! Release all our prisoners like last time?
G DUBYA, T BLAIR : we will support you fully olmert!
E-HU-Da-man OLMERT : NO! YOU HAVE A FEW HOURS TO RELEASE THEM OR WE BOMB YOU TO THE STONE AGE!
Nasrallah : EAT KATYUSHA!
E-HU-Da-man OLMERT : MOD, orders sent. and George and Tony have deposited 1,000 dollars in your bank account for me.
MOD : UPDATE! Syria, Iran, and Iraq all choose not to side with Hizbollah!
Nasrallah : *^&*(YIGUT@*(&$ YOU MOD!!!!!
E-HU-Da-man OLMERT : I think we've done enough! UN YOUR TURN!
CHI(ra)C-KEN : I'll send in troops!
G Dubya : THANKS! Freedom fries renamed french fries!
CHI(ra)C-KEN : I can't send them in.
Nasrallah : HA I DONT NEED YOU MOD! THEY HELP ME ENOUGH!
Verhofstadt : NOT SO FAST! TROOPS GO TO LEBANON!
CHI(ra)C-KEN : I might be able to now. We are preparing our army in their bleu, blanc, et rouge, and their white flags!
