The Reign in Spain

[constantinople]

Chapter VI

King: Finally, to observe the battlefield.

Spoiler :

King: What the- GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAYYY!!!

King: Ugh, I missed the battle, thanks a lot, Ivan.

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Advisor: Sire, a Great General, Mikhail Kutuzov, was born in our city. Shall we send him to the battle field?
King: No way, he's just a child, he's not even one year old!
Advisor: No, he's a general with military experience...
King: Wow, he was just born, he must be going through a growth spurt. Send him to one of our armored lancers.

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Advisor: We've made contact with a civ that's led by Istvan and is called Hungry.
King: Is it a third world country?
Advisor: No, I don't know why not if all the people are starving.
King: We'll just have peace, for now.

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Advisor: I've got good news, good news, and terrible news.
King: I'd like to hear the good news.
Advisor: Which one?
King:
Advisor: First off, Aragon is unstable and could collapse at any given moment. Second off, the only have one city left, Barcelona. The bad news - they have a knight guarding it, none of our troops are strong enough to kill it.
King: Gather the troops on the hill in front of Barfelona.

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Armored lancer: We're suffering severe casualties, your majesty.

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King: Stupid Eragonese, I thought knights were supposed to FIGHT dragons!
Advisor: Aragonese troops are also in the Andalusia region, killing farmers. Luckily, our guisarmer killed the Aragonese horse archers.

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Advisor: By time we take Barcelona, sire, the Aragonese might have recovered or the almogavars in the south could've reached Barcelona to defend the city. We need to begin negotiating for peace.
King: Okay, Jamie, what is the price for peace.
Jamie: How 'bout this:

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King: That's it!?!?! 10 BUCKS AND A CAPITULATION????
Advisor: Your maj-
King: CONTINUE THE WAR!!!!

Advisor: The fighting is resuming and the knights have attacked and destroyed a group of maceman. Luckily, the Aragonese knights are crippled.

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Advisor: Good news, the macemen's blood is polluting Barcelona's water supply!

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King: Speaking of red, it's redbeard the pirate! I thought he was Ottoman, not German. Then again, Otto is a German name...
Advisor: He's not readbeard the pirate, but Barbarossa does mean red beard. And he does in fact have a red beard.
King: There shall be peace in our time, redbeard! Unless I get bored.

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Advisor: We've finished building Pressburg castle and the Aragonese almogavars are outside Cordoba. They don't play on attacking the city, just to go to Barcelona to defend the city.

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Advisor: Good news! The knights attacked our guisarmers and lost! All that's left in Barcelona are the crossbowmen!
King: Take the city!

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Advisor: Barcelona has fallen along with the Aragonese...
King: So you CAN always get what you want!
Advisor: *cough, except open borders with Burgundy and England, cough*

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King: Portugal is willing to be my vassal! Deal, deal!

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King: Best of all, we now know how to make clocks!

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Advisor: Here's a map of our nation. We now have enough power to declare ourselves a united Spanish Kingdom!

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Advisor: We've entered the Late Middle Ages!

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Ivan: Want to learn the secrets of chivalry? You can build knights!
King: Sure. You ain't half bad, Ivan. Only 1/3 bad!

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Advisor: We have a medium problem. Pirates have been spotted on the eastern shore.
King: It's the German guy! I just know it! Red beard strikes again!

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Advisor: We've met another civ with a weird name. The "half sids" or something like that.
King: A Muslim that doesn't hate me, that's a first. We won't fight 'em.

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Advisor: Sir, I found a new place to settle.
King: Perfect.

Spoiler :

Will the Spanish colonize the Balearic islands, or will they not? Find out next time!

 

[Luigiii2]

Advisor: We've met another civ with a weird name. The "half sids" or something like that.

As opposed to the whole Sids and the 1/3 Sids?

 

[constantinople]

Chapter VII

Advisor: Sire, we've finished building the Leaning Tower of Pisa!

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King: Good. Why does it show a map of Italy?
Advisor: I don't know, maybe the intern thought it said it was the Leaning Tower of Pizza. 'Cuz pizza is generally associated with pizza.
King: Umm, yeah, thank you. I was not aware of that.
Advisor: Our building inspired a great engineer, Mateus Fernandes.

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King: Inspired? That thing is an architectural disaster! Does he want to build a slanted building too?
Advisor: I hope not.
King: Just get him to build a structure that is not an utter failure.

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Advisor: He says he's building the "Palais de Papes".
Advisor: And he finished.

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King: What are those two islands? I have a weird desire to colonize them.
Advisor: Once is called Sardinia, I think it's named after Simone Boccanegra's favorite food, sardines. The other island is called Corsica, no one knows how it got its name and even less people care.

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Advisor: He, look, a new minor character to add to the plot!

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Andrea Dandolo: My name is Andrea Dandolo, doge of Venice.
King: ANDREA!?!?!?!?! THAT'S A GIRL'S NAME!!!!!!
Andrea:
King: Kidding, *chuckle*, how 'bout open borders?
Andrea: It's against by better judgement but you seem like a nice boy.

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Istvan: Me too!
King: What the-? Okay.

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Guisarmer: Ha ha, we stole your city spot.

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Maximilian: Yeah, hi, I'm Maximilian, blah, blah, blah, my titles will take all day.
King: All day? That's a lot of titles. We'll have peace, for now.

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Simone: I'll give you gunpowder for banking.
King (to advisor): You think this is weird? Genoa doesn't know about BANKING? And we don't know about GUNPOWDER?
Advisor: Oh sorry, I was sleeping. I haven't talked lately in the script.
Advisor (to King): Just accept the freaking deal.

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Advisor: We've discovered sulfur near the city of Valencia. In fact, we found a lot of people used it for candles. No wonder the death rate was up.

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Advisor: We've founded the city of Palma de Mallorca.
King: Mallorca, what an ugly name. I think my grandmother was named Mallorca.

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Advisor: With gunpowder, we can now upgrade our war galleys to gun galleys.
Captain: Die, pirates of the Mediterranean!

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King: Look, another Viking guy.
Harald Bluetooth: My name is Harald Bluetooth.
King: You might want to visit the dentist...
Harald: Why?
King: No reason, no reason.

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Knight: We can finally go into Europe!

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King: Shall we make open borders, Redbeard?
Barbarossa: Yes. And don't call me Redbeard.
King: But that's what your name translates to.
Barbarossa: I know, but Barbarossa sounds wayyyy cooler.

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King: Another ugly guy.
Casimir: I expect good relations between our two kingdoms.
King: You sound like a naggy soccer mom...

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Advisor: I've drawn up a chart of foreign relations.

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King: Cool! And we've almost got paper!

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Nice as always. And that Simone would make a nice Nero...

 

[constantinople]

Chapter VII

Advisor: We've met a new leader, and he looks grumpy.

Spoiler :

King: Hello, wait, do I know you? Are you Herman the German?
Herman: No! I'm Herman von Salsa.
King: Well I'm the king of Spain. And Spain produces salsa. So we should have peace.
Herman: Okay, but I get access to your salsa mines.
King: It's a deal.

Advisor: We should probably adopt a new expansion civic.

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King: Well Portugal is my vassal so I should probably adopt vassalage.
Advisor: Brilliant, Holmes.

Scholar: Sire, we have paper now.
King: Good - wait, we didn't before? We've never had paper 'till now?
Scholar: Well, we've had paper...but not the tech.
King: Carry on.

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Istvan: Trade?
King: Yeah, sure.

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King: Hungary really is hungry.

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Robert: Hey, tr-
King: Yes.

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Advisor: We've met another leader, and he looks really scary...

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King: Okay Steve, even though you're ugly, let's have peace.
Stefan:
Advisor: Good job, sir.
King: Come on, I can be nice to people.
Advisor: You've insulted basically everyone you've met.
King: Well that's your fault.
King: Besides, I'm not all that bad. Look, I'm invading Bore-dough with only a few knights so the citizens aren't too scared.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Okay then, don't insult this man.

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Magnus: Hinga-herva-derva, I'm the king of Sweden, Magnus Ladulus.
King: Must...not...insult...
King: Oh, hey, it's Andrea, I gotta go!
Magnus:
Andrea: Trade?
King: Okay, she-man!
Advisor: Aha! I caught you!
King: No, you said not to insult that magna guy.
Advisor: :/
King: Yay!
King: What!? Now Redbeard wants a map!

Spoiler :

King: Well, now we have a map of the so-called "Holy" Land. Our land is wayyyy more holy. It's probably a scam by the PayPal states.

Spoiler :

King: AGAIN!? Spanish maps must be really valuable.

Spoiler :

King: Hey, look, it's The Turk.
Advisor: No, it's not the CFC user, it's someone who happens to look like his avatar.
King: What a weird coincidence.
King: I'm not sure how a human became the ruler of ottomans but they sure are comfy to sit on so I won't declare war on them.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Hey, another map deal.
King: Screw it, I'm not going add these to the story anymore, they're a waste of pixels!

King: But I have a better plan to entertain our viewers! I will send my armies to a place called "Sissily"

Spoiler :

Advisor: We may not be able to do that yet.
King: Why not?
Advisor: An employee forgot to wash his hands at a local taco bell in Cadiz...
King: So, fast food employees never wash their hands.
Advisor: But this one forgot to wash his hands and...then he remembered so he rubbed his dirty hands in the taco beef.
King:
Advisor: Thus, a terrible disease was spread about the city.
King: Why the whole city?
Advisor: Because, after he rubbed his hands around in the beef, other employees followed. And taco bell is the largest fast food company in Europe, soon, everyone will be infected.
King: Then I will form my only company. I'll call it - Taco King!
Advisor: We don't have time, it -. Cadiz is completely infected.
King: How can you tell?
Advisor: Well, there's a transparent green skull floating over the city and I doubt it means everyone's cured!

Spoiler :

King: Eh, it'll go away. They only have food poisoning. It'll go away. Plus, I captured Bore-dough so I can't be sad!

Spoiler :

Advisor: The disease is spreading across Europe. We should send our troops as far away from any taco bell as possible, but also close to Iberia.
King: Good, I've sent them near Sissily but I've told them not to declare war by invading just yet.

Spoiler :

Entire population of Spain: Ugh, uhhh....

Spoiler :

Will the plague go away, or will in not? Find out next time.

 

[Daedwartin]

meanwhile, in England.
Advisor: Your Majesty, their is plague in Spain.
King George:In the name of god, SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.

 

[constantinople]

Chapter IX

Harald Bluetooth: Want to establish open borders?
Advisor (to King): Sir, if we make open borders, the plague will infect the Danish.
King (to Advisor): So?
Advisor:
King: Okay Bluetooth, open borders it is. Heheh, sucker...

Spoiler :

Advisor: Sire, do you realize what you've just done?
King: Calm down, what's with all of the drama? Speaking of drama...

Spoiler :

King: I've deported all of the sick Spaniards to Denmark, that solves everything.
Advisor: Well at least we can recall our fleet back to Iberia to continue the plans.
King: What plans?
Advisor: To invade Sissily?
King: Oh yeah, forgot about that.

Spoiler :

Scholar: Good news, we're making progress in our techs!

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Spoiler :

King: Oh, so NOWWWW you want to make open borders! Screw y-
Advisor (to King): If you don't agree now, this may never happen again.
King: Fine.

Advisor: Our troops have the capital of Sissily, Palermo, spotted.

Spoiler :

King: Dats a lotta troops... More than expected...

Advisor: The Sissilians are attacking!

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King: I'm going to watch the battle!
Advisor: You can't, I can, because someone's in your palace to chat.
King:
Ivan: Two Romes have fallen, the third exists, and there will not be a fourth.
King: One, there is only one Rome, the capital of the PayPal states, and it STILL exists. Second, the Byzantines CLAIM to be the Roman empire but they ain't and Constantinople is not Rome. The only other Rome I can think of is the one in IOWA so you don't have to worry about that overshadowing you. Third, there already is a fourth Rome, the Holy ROMAN empire.
King: Finally, you made me miss the battle so I will forever call you Ivan the Terrible.

Spoiler :

Ivan: ....
King: You're lucky I'm not a warmonger or else I'd slaughter you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to raze Palermo.

Advisor: Well you missed the first battle, but the Palermorians are attacking us again.

Spoiler :

King and Advisor: Ouch.

King: Hey, who's he?

Spoiler :

Advisor: A great artist.
King: What do they do.
Advisor: Make great paintings.
King: Then force him to make one for my amusement.
Advisor: It will be done.

Advisor: Hey, one of our ships is being attacked.

Spoiler :

King: Yay, we win!

Advisor: A skirmish is taking place on Sissily.

Spoiler :

King:
Advisor: Of course we lose...

King: WTH are those things?

Spoiler :

Advisor: Corsairs from the Barbary coast.
King: Barbary coast, Barbarossa, Redbeard, come on, I know that German dude is behind this!

Advisor: They just keep coming!

Spoiler :

King: Just attack the city.
Robert: Care to sign a defensive pact with one of the weakest and lamest nations in Europe?
King: Sure, you pessimist.

Advisor: We can't attack the city, they keep stocking back up on soldiers.

Spoiler :

Pope: World map?
King: Huh? Yeah....
King (to Advisor): Are you sure he's Catholic, look at his kippah?

Spoiler :

Advisor: Our soldiers have bombards now.
King: Let the attack commence!!!

*WAR SOUNDS*

Spoiler :

And when the smoke cleared...

Spoiler :

Stats of Spain's troops on left.

King: Dang it!

Will the city fall or will it not? Find out next time.

 

[Luigiii2]

Great so far, keep it up. I wanna see you kill the people of sissily and take all of their palomos. Ever thought of introducing taco bell to Sissily?

 

[CocoIsKing28]

I always love the screenshot edits, for dramatic effect.

 

[Daedwartin]

The Ordo Malleus Tractus Praelium views your attempt at one at sufficient velocity...nearly heretical. We appalled your attempt and your near success, however, it must always start with megaton scale to be considered heretical. Your attempt was about 30 kilotons.
I admit, I have been converted by the Spacebattlers.

Pretty good. Just...work on those artillery. Soon, they should be gigatons in power.

 

[constantinople]

Bad news, I played ahead and the game crashes after the year 1733 . I'll keep posting updates until then.
But there still are some 200 more screenshots 'till the end.

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Noooooo!

 

[strijder20]

Aw, that's a pity

 

[constantinople]

Okay, I found the problem. One of Lithuania's cities crashes when it builds the UB. I just gave the city the UB and the problem was solved. It was only the one city.

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Yes! I need this story!

 

[constantinople]

Oh God...I played up to 1753...Let's just say at the near end of the story, there will be dead carcasses all over my holdings in France...

 

[Luigiii2]

What's a civ story without dead carcasses?

 

[Daedwartin]

What's a civ story without dead carcasses?

A game where you question whether the player should be playing.

 

[constantinople]

I mean even more dead bodies than usual.

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Hi.

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And it's not the King's fault!!!

 

[Lord_Herobrine]

Must be the Advisors faults, EXILE...