The Reign in Spain

[constantinople]

Chapter X

Advisor: Okay, we have reserves in the Mediterranean Sea in case of an emergency and - Oh no.
King:

Spoiler :

Advisor: Phew, they didn't di-

Spoiler :

Advisor: A Corsair has sunk our reserves...
King:
King:

Advisor: Wait, King. We captured Palermo!

Spoiler :

(See the left-hand side for stats)

King: MASSACRE THEM ALL!!!!!
Advisor: No...No...
King: Yes...Yes...
Advisor: I ADVISE you to not do that.
King: No, no.
Advisor: I'll give you five bucks...
King: Deal.

Uthman: Please, I have no friends! Vassalize me and you'll have my loyalty! And my vintage Star Trek lunchbox.

Spoiler :

King: It's a deal!!!

Spoiler :

Advisor: Sire, we have astronomy.
King: So?
Advisor: We can colonize the world.
King: How does astronomy help?
Advisor: Galleys can't go onto ocean tiles.
King: But the rest of the world isn't even on this map so we CAN'T colonize the world. LIAR, LIAR, PLANTS ON FIRE!!!
Advisor: But we can build colonial projects which simulates colonization.
King: YESSS!!!! WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD!!!! Or at least Spain cause, I like that place.
Advisor: I suppose that means we should adopt colonialism.

Spoiler :

King: Yup.

Uthman: Let's make a deal!

Spoiler :

King: You'll have to do better than that...

King: What the...

Spoiler :

King: It can't be....
Advisor: Do you remember the dead feral cat found near the area?
King: Yes...
Advisor: Some kid touched it and is spreading the disease across the city!
King: Oh no! Quick! Make open borders with every civ and build forges and wharfs in all of our cities!

Spoiler :

Advisor: I don't why but everyone loves you even though your ideas are...
King:
Advisor: ...awesome. For example, the city of Tanjya wants to join you.

Advisor: But you need to assist the public more with purging this plague...

Spoiler :

Joao: How about with public works!
King: Wow! Thank you Mr. Jou...Mr. Joa...Mr. John...Mr. J- Thank you Mr. J!

King: Now lets find out what those sneaky Arabs know...

Spoiler :

Population of Spain:

Spoiler :

Salsa: How about open borders!
King: Sure, it's not like there's a plague in Spain. *wink*

Spoiler :

Advisor: Other than the plague, you have little to worry about after the capture of Palermo. Other than a rebel archer in Sissily.

Spoiler :

King: Yay! Life is good.
Advisor: Except for the fact that we can't finish building the San Marco Basilica.
King: Why not, I mean, we were almost halfway done?
Advisor: Because another civ beat us to it.
King: Well can't there be two San Marco Basilicas? Or we could slightly alter our building style.
Advisor: It just doesn't work that way...
King: You're just upset that I ordered the construction of the building and you didn't.

Spoiler :

Uthman: Let's make another deal!

Spoiler :

Uthman: Let's make yet another deal!

Spoiler :

King: And I thought I was annoying.

Advisor: Hey, it's another corsair!
Captain of Carrack: We have a 68% chance of winning.

Spoiler :

Captain of Carrack: :die:

Captain of other Carrack: We have an 89% chance of winning.

Spoiler :

Captain of other Carrack: :die:

King: KILL...THAT...CORSAIR!

Will the king kill the corsair, or will he not? Find out next time!

 

[Luigiii2]

Great work so far. If the Siamese cats and Mexican restaurant chains let up on you; you might have a chance

 

[constantinople]

Anyone else want to comment?
More comments = better morale
better morale = sooner updates

 

[Daedwartin]

Anyone else want to comment?
More comments = better morale
better morale = sooner updates

Naples. And southern Italy. You must make it spanish

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Must. Read. Spain. Update. Boats. Editing. Weird leaders. NOW!!

 

[constantinople]

Chapter XI

Spoiler :

Carrack Captain: Well that went well!
King: YES! ALL CORSAIRS SHALL DIE AND THE HAND OF I, TEH KING OF SPAIN!!!!!!
King: But we need more land!
Advisor: Well look no further, king.

Spoiler :

King: HAHAHA HAAA!!!! WE NOW HAVE A PORT ON AFRICA!!!!!
Advisor: Um, are you okay?
King: Hush. I'm just "in the zone."
Advisor: Right....
Advisor: Well, we are fairly powerful and our foreign relations are good, I guess.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Also, we've discovered this thing called "the Atlantic", it's some useless ocean.
King: BOR-ing.
Advisor: Yes, but beyond the Atlantic is a magical land full of magic. Fresh new lands and people to inslave kill fool kill again meet.
King: Oh la la!

Spoiler :

King: I demand a select group of my citizens to be deported to these magical lands to set up colonies.
People: We don't want to go! We like it here!
Advisor (to People): But you won't be directly under his tyrannical rule.
People: Yeah, we'll go.
King: What did you tell them?
Advisor: Um, that you're awesome and they should go in the name of YOU!
King:

Advisor: Good news, now our army is professional.
King: What was it before?
Advisor: Beats me. According to game, it wasn't professional before.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Bad news, more barbs are coming.
King:

Spoiler :

Advisor: Something called Protestantism was founded.
King: And I should care why?
Advisor: Because, some dudes are protesting against the PayPal states because it is the only method of paying eBay auctions. And the religion may spread here.
King: I ain't converting, if I use PayPal, everyone else in my kingdom must!

Advisor: Sir, we now can train tercios!
King: What's a tercio?
Advisor: I don't know, some guy just thought it sounded cool. They're basically groups of soldiers made up of pikeman n' musketmen.

Spoiler :

The filthy pollution from the city makes the tercio look even awesomer.

King: Let's test them in battle! Promote our armies in Sicily to tercios. Genoa collapsed a few years ago leaving the sardine place and Corsica vulnerable to my evil empire.
Advisor: We've loaded our holks with tercios and bombards.
Advisor: Good news, Cagliari is defenseless!
King:

Spoiler :

Advisor: Our remaining troops are heading to bone-ur-face-eo. It is guarded by some bowmen and horse archers.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Remember Protestantism? Well it's reached our kingdom.

Spoiler :

King: DON'T EMBRACE THE RELIGION, PAYPAL, PAYPAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!

Advisor: Anyways....Our bombards have destroyed the city's defenses.

Spoiler :

King: In honor of that, my slaves have constructed a monument for those brave troops - but mainly me - and called it La Meziquitka...or something like that.

Spoiler :

King: LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!!!

Spoiler :

Advisor: We've captured bone-ur-face-eo!

Maria Theresa: Hi there.

Spoiler :

King: Hey, a beached whale.
Advisor: That's the queen of Austria.
King: I didn't know the queen of Austria was a beached whale.
Advisor: Sir-
King: You shouldn't be the queen of Austria but the queen of Hungary!
Advisor: That's not a whale, it's Maria Theresa of Austria!
King: Oh, hi Mother Teresa. You're nice so I assume you'll forgive my rude jokes.
Maria:
King: Wait, I got one more! When's the baby coming, I mean, you are Mother Teresa and you clearly are about to deliver!
Maria Theresa: Just sign a defensive pact with me.
Advisor: You still want to sign an alliance with you after he was a complete a-... donkey?
Maria Theresa: Well, yeah, I read wikipedia. Spain and Austria were under the Hatsburgs.
King: Yeah, I'll sign the agreement. The Habsburgs need to EXPAND their alliances!
Maria: What did I just agree to....I can't believe I have to defend THAT!

King: Where is Austria?

Spoiler :

Advisor: Here, sire, but they have overexpanded-
King: Not just the country itself...
Advisor: -and are collapsing.
King: Just like the scale she steps on...
King: Hey, how big is our empire?
Advisor: Here is the map.

Spoiler :

Advisor: And our empire is a bigger. Some guy called Pissarro was suicidal and mental so he gathered a bunch of our tercios and tried to sail to end of the world. However, he never reached the end of the world and wound up in this place called "South America" and-
King: Wait- why did we call it South America? I mean, there may not be a North America?
Advisor: ...Anyway, he met these guys named the Incas who think that they're cool but they can't be because they didn't accept our religion, which is the true one because you said so. This pissed of Pissarro (that's how he got his name) who attacked the Incas. Luckily, the Incas were divided for no good reason and Pissarro had the feral cat disease which killed 99.9% of the Incas. Only 217 Quechua Incas remained vs. Pissarro's 128 men. The odds were in the Incas' favor because of the Quechua's free frigg'n combat 1 promotion! It was overpowerment! But the Quechuas died. End of story. And he called the land Purrr-ooo. Because of the feral cat disease. The end.
King: I love story time...
Advisor: Here's a photo promoting immigration to Purrr-ooo and the Inca Conquest.

Spoiler :

Advisor: If anyone asks, say the Incas were bloodthirsty savages, that's the story we're going with.

MEANWHILE, IN PORTUGAL

Portuguese Advisor: Oh no, oh no, oh no...
Cardinal Henry: What's going on?
Portuguese Advisor: Sebastian died in combat...
Henry: Yay, that means I'm king!
Portuguese Advisor: But the Spanish, they'll try to take over the throne, the king claims to be the rightful heir!
Henry: Too bad, I'm the king! This is so cool, I'll *DIE* ARG!
*Falls over dead*
Portuguese Advisor: Well that was short.
Antonio: Is that old fool finally dead?
Portuguese Advisor: Yup. Shouldn't we say a prayer, I mean, he was a cardinal?
Antonio: Even if he was a blue jay, I wouldn't pray for him. I'm finally the !
Portuguese Advisor: But the king of Spain-
Antonio: Screw the king of Spain! He's a meanie, he is! He's ruled over us for many years, he has.
Portuguese Advisor: Well Portugal is his vassal...
Antonio: Yeah, well, I'm the rightful king! Spread word to my territory that Portugal won't be bullied anymore!

Portuguese Advisor: Attention! People of Libson Lisbon! The King has died!
People: NOOOO!!!!
Portuguese Advisor: And so has the cardinal.
One person: Eh.
Portuguese Advisor: But a new king has succeeded the old one!
Another person: Well isn't that what happens in monarchies!?!?!?
Portuguese Advisor: King An-toe-ne-ooooooooooooooo!!!!
People: YAY! WOOHOO! W00T! OH YEAH!
Spanish Guy: What?! I've got to tell the King!
*Runs off*
*In house writing letter while epic music is playing*

Back in Spain

King: So I says to the men, you know what I says? I says "Hi."
Advisor: What the asterisk are you talking about?
*Letter slips in palace door*
King: What's this?

Spoiler :

King: Holy Toledo!

Will the king assert his dominance over Portugal, or will Antonio have the last laugh? Find out next time!

 

[CocoIsKing28]

As always, great. And you're right, the filthy cities do make the Tercios look awesome-er!

 

[Daedwartin]

By the way, I forgot something


Welcome, Young writer, to the land where the strong control all and the weak "cultured" people burn, where the advanced destroy the primitive, where the UN is a tool for world domination, where democracy is just a means of building things quicker while communism is the most effective economy for large empires more often than not, where those who conquer the quickest and than keep control of their spoils are the most respected, where men love to start as cavemen on their trip 2 the cosmos, the heavens fall twice with incantations of unbelievable power, where the ultimate religious authority is a white, radioactive rock that can burst forth sometimes with the radiance of a thousand suns[1], where the forecast is continued war in a hell-hole of eternal war against EurasiaEastAsia with a 100% chance of mushroom clouds, or have been forced to abandon their own home due to thermonuclear warfare for the stars. All at the dance of those voyaging writers, who place with the lives of trillions for the purposes of their game.

This is Civfanatics. Only The the strong will flourish under its members iron rule and titanium fists. The weak will be perished, the strong ganged on, the cunning survive.
Do you have what it takes, Oh maybe wise and definately greedy writer?

 

[Lord_Herobrine]

By the way, I forgot something

Always gotta get that in, eh?

 

[Daedwartin]

Always gotta get that in, eh?

Well, I need to make sure all new writers are properly greeted. And at the same time informed of our measuring sticks.

 

[strijder20]

Always gotta get that in, eh?

I just realised what your name means.
Anyway, great update looks like RFCE changed a lot since I last played it, I played one game as Spain too. But the Cordobans got killed by barbs before my spawn rolleyes so it was a rather easy game. You're doing great, though, even while you had to eliminate the Cordobans.

 

[Lord_Herobrine]

I just realised what your name means.

Assuming you connected my name with minecraft, yep.

 

[constantinople]

Chapter XII

Previously in the Reign in Spain.

Advisor: ...we've discovered this thing called "the Atlantic"...but beyond the Atlantic is a magical land full of magic. Fresh new lands and people to inslave kill fool kill again meet.

Advisor: Sir, we now can train tercios...they're basically groups of soldiers made up of pikeman n' musketmen.

King: Hey, a beached whale.
Advisor: That's the queen of Austria.
King: I didn't know the queen of Austria was a beached whale.
Maria Theresa: Just sign a defensive pact with me.
King: Yeah, I'll sign the agreement.

Portuguese Advisor: Oh no, oh no, oh no...(king)Sebastian died in combat...
Antonio: I'm finally the !
Portuguese Advisor: But the king of Spain-
Antonio: Screw the king of Spain...Spread word to my territory that Portugal won't be bullied anymore!
Portuguese Advisor: But a new king has succeeded the old one! King An-toe-ne-ooooooooooooooo!!!!
Spanish Guy: What?! I've got to tell the King!

*Letter slips in palace door*
King: What's this?

Spoiler :

King: Holy Toledo!

---

Advisor: What is it, sire?
King: The king of Portugal has died!
Advisor: Wait, your Spanishness, YOU can succeed him! You're related to the Portuguese dynasty!
King: So, Portugal's already my vassal?
Advisor: But you can directly rule them now, like you rule over El Ferrol and Zaragoza.
King: AWESOME!
Advisor: We need to go to the Portuguese court!
King: Uh-oh...

Portuguese Court, Lisbon

Portuguese nobleman: Well, well, well the King of Spain.
King: I plead innocent!
Portuguese nobleman: For what?
King: Okay, fine, I killed that man! But he made me spill my soda! You'd have done the same thing! I didn't want to, but I had tooooo!!!!!
Portuguese nobleman: It's not that kind of court...
King: Oh.
Portuguese nobleman: What was that about killing th-
King: Nothing, nothing, I was just joking...heh, heh...
*Advisor slips King note*

Spoiler :

King: Hey, um, I have money.
Portuguese nobleman: How much?
King: 489 bucks.
Portuguese noblemen: GASP!
King (to Advisor): I don't get it.
Advisor (to King): $489 is more than the entire population of Portugal will make in an entire year!
King: Wow...Um, hear you go.
*Throws wad of cash in the air*
*Entire group of noblemen fight over money*
*Smoke clears revealing dead bodies where the brawl took place.
Portuguese nobleman: Perhaps you would make a good king.
*Advisor slips King note*

Spoiler :

King (to Advisor): Pft, our church is perfect the way it is.
*Advisor slips King note*

Spoiler :

King (to Advisor): Our system is good enough the way it is, give me some HELPFUL suggestions.
*Advisor slips King note*

Spoiler :

King (to Advisor): Heheh, espionage. I don't use it too often, oh well, bribe 25% of the Portuguese court to vote in favor us. Just give them $100, that must be $500,000 for them.
*Advisor slips King note*

Spoiler :

King (to Advisor): No, let's not invade Portugal. We already partially control it, cuz, you know, it is my vassal.
*Advisor tells noblemen results*

King: Umm, some discussion this was. I never realized how boring it was to be a noble.

Portuguese Nobleman: We have decided, that the King of Spain is....
King:
Portuguese Nobleman: fit to be....
King: Yes...?
Portuguese Nobleman: our.....
King: JUST TELL ME!!!!
Portuguese Nobleman: KING!
King: YESSSS!!!!!
Portuguese Nobleman: What is your first act as king?
King: Advisor, expel all of these noblemen to this "South America".
Portuguese Noblemen: WHAT?!!
King: Well you're PORTUGUESE noblemen, not SPANISH noblemen. You are useless in this society.
Advisor: Let's go home...

Spoiler :

Advisor: Well, now we rule several new cities, including Oporto, which was in your realm for a time.

King: Life is good.
Advisor: It is. Reports got in that you control some new land in the New World. And there is a "North America" after all. We've colonized a land called Bananama.

Spoiler :

King: YES! AWESOMENESS!
Advisor: Also, our architects have completed a new building in honor of your brutal reign over Portugal.

Spoiler :

Advisor: The only problem is killing off those barbs in the Mediterranean. Luckily, we can hire mercenaries to do the dirty work for us. They are "Privateers."

Spoiler :

King: Good. My merchants have decided we need to work on trading companies with the natives in the Americas.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Cool. We should work on them right away.
*knock, knock*
*opens door*

Pope: Greetings, I have declared my version of the Bible the final version, unlike those Protestants who change its meaning everyday...Congratulations on your victory over the Portuguese, yadda, yadda, yadda. Will you join me in expelling Protestants?

Spoiler :

King: No, we should respect fellow Christians.
Pope: Aw seriously? I thought you would join me in slaughtering heathens!
King: I would've but I'd rather have +7 stability over +7 persecutors.
*slams door on Pope*
Advisor: Sire, I think you've invoked the wrath of the Pope.
King: I don't know, I'm not really afraid of this:

Spoiler :

King: Besides, I've got great faith. My architects have just finished building the Jasna Gore-a. A monument to every single religious crusade by me.

Spoiler :

King: I'm the guy with the rock and you're the guy getting stabbed by the spear.

Advisor: Don't get too cocky, we can't finish building the Tomb of Al Khalid.
King: Why not?
Advisor: Well Al Khalid can only have ONE tomb and the Austrians finished building it.
King: Stupid Austrians and their fat queen...

King: Well how are we statistic wise?
Advisor: Here are some charts:

Spoiler :

King: Russia's catching up...and the PayPal states are half as powerful as Scotland, which is really pathetic if you think about it.

Advisor: Word has spread to us that French cities have declared independence from England! The city of Birdous refused the flip, luckily.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Also, we've stolen discovered the secrets of Arabic medicine. Plagues won't be too disastrous anymore.
King: Cool.

Advisor: Hey, I've got another story to tell you!
King:
Advisor: Some guy from the Portuguese Court, Courtez, was actually a Spaniard spy disguised as a Portuguese nobleman to vote in favor of our interests. Well, you ordered for the noblemen to be shipped off to the Americas...
King: ...
Advisor: Well, the ship was sailing in a sea known as the Caribbean and Courtez abandoned ship, he jumped out. The tercios shot at him but they missed and Courtez swam for hours to a land known to us as "Colombia." He was lost with no where to go so he built himself a shelter. After a few years of living there, and he was doing a fine job, he had to leave due to the increasing number of attacks by the Natives. He wondered for months until running into our current colony of Bananama, which was just a few settlements at the time. Courtez joined a workforce of Spaniards and built himself a house and lived in it for almost a decade. Luckily, the tercios on the ship thought he was dead so they didn't speak about how Courtez escaped. However, one tercio recognized him as the man who escaped the carrack and ordered "bandits to kill him at night." The townspeople heard about this and told Courtez who escaped right before dark. Courtez's house was burned down. Courtez fled to another settlement where the carracks transporting the Portuguese prisoners did not go and joined a group of tercios on an expedition to the north where the seven cities of gold were rumored to be. The group trekked north and encountered something they did not expect to meet, the Aztec empire. They visited the capital, Tenochilli which had a lump of gold. All the anger built up in Courtez who demanded the gold as tribute. Montezuma II (who was not a warmonger like Montezuma) complied and gave him the tribute. Nevertheless, Courtez was so angry, he ordered the Empire's destruction. The feral cat disease was carried by the tercios and the Aztecs were overwhelmed. The Aztec empire was destroyed and Courtez declared it "New Spain." We have conquered the Aztecs.

Spoiler :

King: Wow.
Advisor: I know. Oh, and a merchant in Zaragoza has become a legend.

Spoiler :

Advisor: Well, we've conquered five empires (Cordoba, Aragon, Inca, Portugal, Aztec), what do you want to do now?
King: Get more land...And I already have a target picked out...

Spoiler :

---

Thus concludes Part I of the Reign in Spain. Tune in next time for Part II of the King's brutal reign.

 

[Luigiii2]

Great update.

I don't know, I'm not really afraid of this:

And I don't know, that crossbowman looks pretty dang scary.

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Can you attack the PayPal states, or does that give a negative penalty because it's the Pope and all?

 

[Daedwartin]

Can you attack the PayPal states, or does that give a negative penalty because it's the Pope and all?

No. You can't even declare war on them. Coding doesn't allow you to attack the Papal States...

 

[constantinople]

No. You can't even declare war on them. Coding doesn't allow you to attack the Papal States...

I'm experimenting in RFCE++ and I've figured out how to make provinces stable/solid (Latium is unstable for all but the Pope). I've also updated the map so Rome is independent and the Pope starts off in Avignon so for future civ stories where I'll want to control Rome, I'll use that map.

 

[CocoIsKing28]

Aww, too bad, Rome is a nice juicy-- wait does that say 1 pop?!?! Seriously, with those food resources?

 

[Daedwartin]

Aww, too bad, Rome is a nice juicy-- wait does that say 1 pop?!?! Seriously, with those food resources?

Yes. The plague must have been harsh indeed

 

[Luigiii2]

I recommend that you invade Russia. I mean; it's not like anything could go wrong with such a brilliant plan. Anyway; all utterly idiotic most excellent suggestions aside, can you create colonies in RFC Europe? Because in the traditional game all released cities become independant.