What do you think of this 120word text?

[Kyriakos]

I took part in a local literary event, where one had to produce a flash fiction story of exactly 120 words. The following is its translation onto English (which has 138 words ).

You could post your view of it. The piece originally had no title, cause it was named from the contest.

'A journey in 120 words'

"
At times i imagine myself as a small child which was given three cards by someone, each card having a number on it, for instance zero, one and two. He then was asked to return those cards. But to the child it seemed impossible to get rid of the idea that they wouldn't ever request so simple a thing of him, and therefore suspected that he had to give the cards back in a specific sequence; it was a test, to produce exactly that right sequence, otherwise the request seemed entirely absurd...

There are the three cards. If they must be given back in a set progression then only one such does exist, out of six possible ones. It could still be done, to win those odds out of pure lack.

But what would happen should he lose?
"

You can post what you think of this as flash fiction. 120 words surely is very little space to present something. I tried anyway

 

[Valka D'Ur]

It's longer than a drabble, which is defined as a story of exactly 100 words.

 

[Borachio]

I like the beginning and the end very much. Especially the end. But that bit in the middle... it's got to go.

I don't know why I've posted that quote above. It's got nothing to do with it.

 

[Kyriakos]

^Reminds me of that Rowan Atkinson sketch, with the critic telling Shakespeare that the play Hamlet is quite good, but he must get rid of the 'dead wood' there (eg "To be or not to be" etc, which is really going nowhere and does the work no favors)

 

[Mise]

I like it. It reads in English a bit too much like a maths textbook or old fashioned novel, but then most of your work reads like that, so I can't blame you for that The idea of the story is really cool though. It starts off as a metaphor, but then it becomes a story in its own right. I'm frustrated because I don't know what happened to the child, if he got the right answer, if it was even a riddle in the first place... But I guess that's life.

 

[Kyriakos]

^Thanks

 

[Yeekim]

Would be an intriguing enough start to somewhat longer story, so if you have an idea how to continue, go on.

However, on its own it falls a bit... flat? Of course, the genre is very unforgiving.

 

[Kyriakos]

^Are you Arakhor? That is his trademark 'damning with the faintest of praise'

 

[Zelig]

I took part in a local literary event, where one had to produce a flash fiction story of exactly 120 words. The following is its translation onto English (which has 138 words ).

You could post your view of it. The piece originally had no title, cause it was named from the contest.

'A journey in 120 words'

"
At times i imagine myself as a small child which was given three cards by someone, each card having a number on it, for instance zero, one and two. He then was asked to return those cards. But to the child it seemed impossible to get rid of the idea that they wouldn't ever request so simple a thing of him, and therefore suspected that he had to give the cards back in a specific sequence; it was a test, to produce exactly that right sequence, otherwise the request seemed entirely absurd...

There are the three cards. If they must be given back in a set progression then only one such does exist, out of six possible ones. It could still be done, to win those odds out of pure lack.

But what would happen should he lose?
"

You can post what you think of this as flash fiction. 120 words surely is very little space to present something. I tried anyway

You can make it shorter and more succinct:

"A small child was given three numbered cards and asked to give them back. His paranoia indicated he might need to give them back in a specific one of the six possible permutations."

33 words!

 

[Yeekim]

^Are you Arakhor? That is his trademark 'damning with the faintest of praise'

No I'm not.

 

[Terxpahseyton]

I think I am in agreement with Yeekim and Mise. It is an intriguing introduction, I immediately want to know what happens next. But then the story just ends. It doesn't feel like an actual story. Even a ridiculously short one. But merely like its beginning.

 

[Kyriakos]

No I'm not.

You lie. All people who don't like my literature are Arakhor.


Link to video.