The program consists of forcing the unsuspecting teenagers to partake in Satanic rituals known as Internal Assessments and Extended Essays in which they are violated with pitchforks and inseminated with Blue Whale ejaculate (straight from the tap baby!) It also contains so called "Oral commentaries" and "Oral presentations" which involve performing oral sex upon the teacher non-stop for half an hour without taking a breath. An alternate oral assignment exists in which the student delivers an oratory report on a subject according to rigorous IB standards, but a majority of students find oral sex to be less traumatizing and substantially easier to recuperate from. It is said that the only way to definitively complete such rituals with a high mark is to sell your little brother or sister's body to the Devil or to Frank Entis (a level 59 mage exiled from Jewtopia after he was caught molesting a young Adolf Hitler; later moved to Canada to live with his own kind.) Finally, after living off intravenous caffeine injections for years, the students are subjected to tortures known as the Final Exams, which they do not feel ready for due to several years' insomnia (due to the caffeine). The Italian writer Dante has called IB the 29th circle of hell. The IB dropout and purveyor of already completed homework, Jeremy Feldman, however, preferred to call IB merely the 10th level of hell. Fear not students who ignored inferno during your sophomore year at Desert Mountain High School, this is still the maximum level. However, IB coordinators chose to reject this notion as inappropriate for a public institution, and therefore T-Shirts were never made. This is not to say that they were never attempted, merely that the results were unsatisfactory.
Students who undergo IB experience a colorful spectrum of interesting (yet understandable) urges. The calm and reserved begin to acquire incredibly strong desires to intercept and burn all IB exam papers; the strong may wish to annihilate all IBO regional offices with a massive array of explosives; the truly violent convince religious fanatics to commit terrorist acts against all IB institutions (What? Did you honestly think that September 11th was about a couple of American bases in Saudi Arabia? What better base for IBO operations than the World Trade Center?)
Everything a student does for IB is confiscated, and The Organization receives all credit for your arduous work (I guess the Honor Code doesn't apply to aspiring authoritarian regimes.) If a student makes a discovery when completing the extended essay, write a computer system for a computing project, or do anything that could potentially change his/her life for the better, s/he can throw such aspirations out the window (or up the ass) as soon as s/he hands it in to The Organization. In short, when a student hands the research in, the copyrights get transferred to IB. They, not the hard-working student, now own the fruits of the student's labor. The irony is that the student is the one who pays school fees, examination fees and the other fees that IB needs to keep their minions content. Also, honor code. Seriously, what the . .. .. .. . ever happened to intellectual property rights?
