Anecdotes

[Tekee]

Hey put down some anecdotes, I am hoping to hear anecdotes from around the world
Here is some I know.
Odessa, criminal region.
-Halt! Take off your shoes!
- What are you? Skinhedi?
- Moscow has skinhedi, but in Odessa, skin kedi! Take off shoes!! come on!!
The joke is the word Skinheadi, ryhiming with kedi, sort of like running shoes

Here is another:
Inspector comes unto the site of a derailed train accident.
Inspector says:
-Train conductor Ivanov! Why did you derail the train?
- There was a jew on the tracks
- Well run him over! he shouldn't be on the train tracks!
- I tried!



Please share yours! Anecdotes are generally the best information about different places.

 

[Godwynn]

There was once a village in Russia full of antisemitic Russians. The nationalistic Russians would torture the local Jew and would not let him stay in the town past sundown. Then one day there was some rumbling that to the East there were North Germanic viking warriors from Scandinavia who had the bluest eyes that equaled the clear sky. The Russians were very afraid, but still continued to make fun of the Jew.

The weeks and months went by and the Jew could not catch a break from the Russians. He slept outside of town and was very lonely. Then one day he awoke to the Russian town on fire. Scared, he ran into the woods and hid until the smoke stopped rising. He went back to the town and found all of the Russians dead.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

 

[kulade]

SERBIA RULES!!!!!

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

How do you easily explain varying economic models easily? In an updated take on an old classic, you use cows.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

[nonconformist]

My joke is thus:

-Russian Nationalism.

 

[Tekee]

Lol at Thorvald of Lym
Favorite was Bureaucraticism and all the Corporations

My joke is thus:

-Russian Nationalism.

Oh really?
Here is some more:
4 nationalities were at a drinking competetion. A German, an American, a Russian, and the last one does not matter who, we will call him Japanese.
So they have to drink a shot of vodka, a tankard of beer, a glass of wine, a glass of whiskey, and a glass of spirits.
So the American goes first, he drinks the shot of vodka, falls down.
Then German, drinks the shot fo vodka, falls down.
Then Japanese drinks the shot of vodka, falls down.
Then the Russian, he drinks the tankard of beer, glass of wine, glass of whiskey, glass of spirits.
He wins!
They tell him, Vanya, why didn't you finish your shot of vodka?
He says, you must know your limit!

Thus why everyone sucks in their suburban teen drinking parties. These teens don't know how to drink!
You like "Russian Nationalist Jokes?"

 

[Theige]

Is that really what qualifies as a joke in Russia?

 

[Tekee]

Is that really what qualifies as a joke in Russia?

I like anecdotes, in Canada people use less anecdotes sadly

 

[holy king]

a guy once told an antisemitic joke, but he was so stupid that he did it in the wrong place.
he got beat until he was a bloody gob. his mother cried a bit and moved on.

 

[Tekee]

Here is another:
Representatives from Gazprom claim, that Ukrainians are stealing gas.
At the same time, they write "...our Ukrainian colleagues..."

This is not mine but others:
I do not understand, why Lenin, at age 52, was called "Grandpa Lenin"
But Putin, at age 53, is called a "young and energetic leader"


Another:

A real story from Ikea!
Towards the cashier goes a dude(in original, it is ***hole), with a cart simply full of goods. The girl at the cash starts to register the goods. They have a dialogue:
D - Girl, why are you so calmly registering everything?
G - Well, what am I supposed to be doing?
D - Well I bought from you so many goods
G- Thank you for your purchase
D- Girl you are not understanding! I bought from you so many goods, that you are suppoed to do something for me
(the girl, is finishing her shift and is already tired)
G - Well what am I supposed to do and what do you want?
D - (dude is increduleous) Well generally you here are supposed to suck me!
G - This store is self-service

 

[Tekee]

On gay rights:

Abram Moiseevich, why do you want to leave? What is bothering you?
Its bothers me, your attitude towards homosexuality!
What problems, everything seems calm?
Listen, under Stalin, for this they shot you. Under Brezhnev, forciby treated, now it has become the norm. That is why, I want to leave this country! until homosexuality becomes mandatory!

On complaining:
What kind of brothel are you running?! There is even nothing to drink!
Young man - in the grocery store opposite nobody screws (copulates, other words, **** banned ) .... but no one complains!

On fools:
In there world there is only a little bit of fools. But they arrange themselves so skillfully that they occur at every step!

On futility:
Day 1
Towards the Earth is approaching a giant asteroid! Brave drillers are sent to install nuclear warhead.

Day 2.
Towards the earth is a approaching a giant asteroid with nuclear warheads.

On Forums:
American Forum: You give a question, then they will answer you.
Isreali forum: Give a question, they will GIVE you an answer.
Russian forum: Give a question, then they will for a long time tell you, you are such an a**hole.

on Russians vs Americans:
When someone wants something to be done at whatever cost,
Americans say: Do it or die!
Russians say: Die but do it!
So for Russians, even death, is not a valid reason

 

[Lefty Scaevola]

Bad start with unclear joke which may either be bigotry or making fun of bigotry, and an unhappy reaction to the same.