Bible Questions for Dr. Laura (This is good stuff)

[knowltok2]

I laughed quite a bit on this but figured that it belonged more with the OT crowd than the Humor folks. Feel free to move it if you want, mods (Like you would need my blesing )

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord---Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual cleanliness---Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination---Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?---Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Sincerely,

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan

Puts things in a bit of perspective, biblically speaking.

 

[Hitro]

This thing was once sent to me by a co-student who is gay as reply to some anti-gay-joke from my part.
It's a funny piece.

 

[Fez_Monk]

 

[AVN]

Humour and jokes isn't as funny as this.

 

[stormerne]

Bravo for posting that! I'd lost the letter which I've seen many times in many forms.

You know those irritating people who love to selectively quote bits of the Bible at you while conveniently ignoring the potentially embarassing quote right next door? Leviticus is THE gold mine for quotes to get back at them. Worth a read, whatever your religion.

I get the same thing being both a heathen pagan and a clairvoyant. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live," they scream at me (Exodus 22:18). And this is in the same section as the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2 - 20:17).

They conveniently forget that sandwiched halfway between those two passages is "Whoever strikes his father or mother shall be put to death" (Exodus 21:15). And even more incriminating: "Whoever curses his father or mother shall be put to death" (Exodus 21:17).

I don't see many of these guys owning up to the state executioner.

 

[napoleon526]

Here are some more weird/scary bible verses:

Psalm 137:9
"Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

Deuteronomy 28:53
"And thou shalt eat of the fruit of thine own body, that of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee."

Ezekiel 23:20 NIV
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

1 Timothy 2:12-15
"...suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithsstanding she shall be saved in childbearing."

2 Kings 18:27
"Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own urine with you?"

Leviticus 20:9
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death."

Leviticus 20:16
"And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast."

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the elders of his city. . . And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

Malachi 2:3
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces."

 

[Perfection]

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the elders of his city. . . And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

What else would you stone him with? Nerf Balls?

 

[HotDog Fish]

Well umm...those where umm...interesting I can honestly say though that this is hillarious!!! Really how much stoning occured back then? How often did people get stoned? more than now?

 

[Switch625]

Go check out the Skeptic's Annotated Bible. It's an exhaustive analysis of the King James version of the Bible, and all of the quirks, gaffes, foibles and absurdities of the Bible. To be fair about it, they even highlight and analyze the good stuff, too.

The last time my mom was at my place, I let her have a look at the story of Lot (from Genesis). She didn't know anything about him after his wife got turned to a pillar of salt, nor did she know how he threw his virgin daughters to the madding crowd who wanted to gang bang the angels. She was, to say the least, scandalized. I wasn't trying to shake her belief (not possible), but I did want her to be more aware of the book she holds so highly.

 

[Becka]

I put some of these versus in context. (New Living Translation.)

Originally posted by napoleon526
Here are some more weird/scary bible verses:

Psalm 137:9
"Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

The whole thing-

Psalm 137:1-9

Beside the rivers of Babylon, we sat and wept as we thought of Jerusalem.
We put away our lyres,
hanging them on the branches of the willow trees.
For there our captors demanded a song of us.
Our tormentors requested a joyful hymn:
"Sing us one of those songs of Jerusalem!"
But how can you sing the songs of the LORD
while in a foreign land?

If I forget, O jerusalem,
let my right hand forget its skill upon the harp.
May my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth
if I fail to remember you,
if I don't make Jerusalem my highest joy.

O LORD, remember what the Edomites did
on the day the armies of Babylon captured Jersualem.
"Destroy it!" they yelled.
"Level it to the ground!"
O Babylon, you will be destroyed.
Happy is the one who pays you back
for what you have done to us.
Happy is the one who takes your babies
and smashes them against the rocks!

Deuteronomy 28:53
"And thou shalt eat of the fruit of thine own body, that of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee."

Deuteronomy 28:49-53

"The LORD will bring a distant nation against you from the end of the earth, and it will swoop down on you like an eagle. It is a nation whose language you do not understand, a fierce and heartless nation that shows no respect for the old and no pity for the young. Its armies will devour your livestock and crops, and you will starve to death. They will leave you no grain, new wine, olive oil, calves, or lambs, bringing about your destruction. They will lay siege to your cities until all the fortified walls in your land- the walls you trusted to protect you- are knocked down. They will attack all the towns in the land the LORD your God has given you. The siege will be so severe that you will eat the flesh of your own sons and daughters, whom the LORD your God has given you.

Ezekiel 23:20 NIV
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

Ezekiel 23:14-30

"Then she carried her prostitution even further. She fell in love with pictures that were painted on a wall- pictures of Babylonian military officers, outfitted in striking red uniforms. Handsome belts encircled their waists, and flowing turbans crowned their heads. They were dressed like chariot officers from the land of Babylonia. When she saw these paintings, she longed to give herself to them, so she sent messengers to Babylonia to invite them to come to her. So they came and committed adultery with her, defiling her in the bed of love. But later, she became disgusted with them and broke off the relationship.

"So I became disgusted with Oholibah, just as I was with her sister, because she flaunted herself before them and gave herself to satisfy her lusts. But that didn't bother her. She turned to even greater prostitution, remembering her youth when she was a prostitute in Egypt. She lusted after lovers whose atentions were gross and bestial."

1 Timothy 2:12-15
"...suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithsstanding she shall be saved in childbearing."

1 Timothy 2:11-15

Women should listen and learn quietly and submissevly. I do not let women teach men or have authority over them. Let them listen quietyly. For God made Adam first, and afterward he made Eve. And it was the woman, who was deceived by Satan, and sin was the result. but women will be saved through childbearing and by continuing to live in faith, love, holiness, and modesty.

2 Kings 18:27
"Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own urine with you?"

2 Kings 18:26-27

Then Eliakim son of Hilkiah, Shebna, and Joah said to the king's represtative, "Please speak to us in Aramaic, for we understand it well. Don't speak in Hebrew, for the people on the wall will hear."

But Sennacherib's representative replied, "My master wants everyone in Jerusalem to hear this, not just you. He wants them to know that if you do not surrender, this city will be put under siege. The people will become so hungry and thirsty that they will eat their own dung and drink their own urine."

Leviticus 20:9
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death."

Leviticus 20:16
"And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast."

Leviticus 20:15-16

If a man has sexual intercourse with an animal, he must be put to death, and the animal must be killed. If a woman approaches a male animal to have intercourse with it, she and the animal must both be put to death. Both must die, for the are guilty of a capital offense.

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the elders of his city. . . And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
"Suppose a man has a stubborn, rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such cases, the father and the mother must take the son before the leaders of the town. They must declare: 'This son is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a worthless drunkard.' Then all the men of the council must stone him to death. In this way, you will cleanse this evil from among you, and all Israel will hear about it and be afraid."

Malachi 2:3
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces."

Malachi 2:1-4

"Listen, you priests; this is command is for you! Listen to me and take it to heart. Honor my name," says the LORD Almighty, "or I will bring a terrible curse against you. I will curse even the blessings you recieve. Indeed, I have already cursed them, because you have not taken my warning seriously. I will rebuke your decsendents and splatter your faces with the dung of your festival sacrifices, and i will add you to the dung heap. Then at last you will know it was I who sent you this warning so that my covenant with the Levites may continue," says the LORD Almighty."

 

[Scrimshaw]

Originally posted by knowltok2
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Shoot I can only get meself americans for slaves. Any volunteers?

Originally posted by knowltok2
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Great. I'm dead for all of these. If I don't post ever again. You all know I was stoned(by rocks, not the other kind).

 

[dannyevilcat]

This letter is perfect-- not just funny, but satisfyingly so!

 

[knowltok2]

Originally posted by Scrimshaw


Shoot I can only get meself americans for slaves. Any volunteers?



Great. I'm dead for all of these. If I don't post ever again. You all know I was stoned(by rocks, not the other kind).

I choose to believe that the passage only means any nation but your own. Of course, if you try to enslave an American we will be left with no option but to make holy war upon you. Twice before you were able to hold onto your vast refrigerator, but I wouldn't count on it this time.

Death to the non-believers!!!!!

 

[Jimcat]

Originally posted by Becka
O LORD, remember what the Edomites did
on the day the armies of Babylon captured Jersualem.
"Destroy it!" they yelled.
"Level it to the ground!"
O Babylon, you will be destroyed.
Happy is the one who pays you back
for what you have done to us.
Happy is the one who takes your babies
and smashes them against the rocks!

Well, that makes at least a little more sense, I can understand wanting to get revenge on the people who destroyed your home and enslaved you. But killing the babies seems a little extreme. It wasn't the babies who destroyed Jerusalem. Reading the Old Testament gives one the impression that the ancient Israelites were a rather bloodthirsty lot (and reading the newspapers shows that little has changed over the millennia).

How about the little children who were eaten by bears for making fun of Elijah's bald head?

 

[floppa21]

Switch's link is a good one, interesting reading. Another one that's good and humorous is www.bettybowers.com

She's a better Christian than you are!

 

[Supernaut]

I don't see what's so funny about this letter as such - all of those things are part of the rules for Jews, so he should be obeying them. If he isn't then he's a bad Jew. Of course, if he isn't a Jew, then what's his point. If he wants to be gay, he can't be a practising Jew, just like he can't chow down on a bacon sandwich. Deal with it - those are the rules.

He's also wrong about all the sacrifice bits, as the sacrifices can only be made on the altar in the Temple, and there hasn't been a temple for about 2000 years. Also, most of the putting to death stuff only applies if you live in a totally Jewish community - or if you can convince your non-Jewish neighbours to join in.

Stormerne, you son of Satan, thanks for the confession, the boys with the stake will be round in the morning

 

[Switch625]

Good link, floppa, but I could've used a little warning before running across that picture of Laura Schlessinger!!!

 

[Marlos]

Ok, so stone me for even entering this discussion, but...

With the exception of one citation, all of the verses mentioned are from the Old Testament, and most are from the Mosaic Law (Exodus, Deuteronomy, Numbers, Leviticus). God gave the Mosaic Law to the nation of Israel as a basis for their self-rule.

Any Bible scholar worth his salt would tell you that Jesus Christ came to fulfill the law that had been given to Israel. Through his death, burial and resurrection, all can be saved in eternal life. Because of him we no longer need to follow all of the rules of ritual sacrifice, since he himself was sacrificed for the forgiveness of all of our sins.

Of course, Dr. Laura wouldn't recognize Jesus as the Messiah, since she is Jewish. Nevertheless, Jews no longer follow the Torah (Old Testament) in their daily lives, as their spiritual rules are now contained in the Talmud.

Finally, the one New Testament verse from 1 Timothy states that a woman cannot be put in a position to have spiritual influence over a man. Women can do anything they like, such as being a doctor, detective, accountant, even President! They just cannot be a minister. To the Christian whose goal is to serve God with all of his heart, mind, soul and strength, giving up one job is no big deal! Serve God and prosper!


PS Thank you, Becka, for putting the verses in context.

 

[Simon Darkshade]

There was a similar beat down job on an episode of The West Wing, with President Jed Bartlett delivering the stinging rebuke.
One does agree with the sentiment that people should not use Biblical passages in isolation, and out of context.
One also agrees with the points put forth by Becka and Marlos.

 

[Scrimshaw]

Originally posted by knowltok2


I choose to believe that the passage only means any nation but your own. Of course, if you try to enslave an American we will be left with no option but to make holy war upon you. Twice before you were able to hold onto your vast refrigerator, but I wouldn't count on it this time.

Death to the non-believers!!!!!

If I took some americans as slaves and Uncle sam wanted them back, my good buddy jean would probably throw me to the wolves to save "Our vast refrigerator"

That's alright though for awhile I'd have members of a semi hardworking nation working for me. Americans would make good slaves until I get bombed.