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ALIEN UFO CRASHES IN ARABIAN DESERT; DESERT STORM II IMMINENT? [Written by Ami Willard for Weekly Weird News]
I have it on good faith that the crashed American F-15 isn’t an F-15 at all, but an alien aircraft from beyond the stars! As my readers are well aware by now, the Earth has been a focal point in an interdimensional war between the Reptilians and Greys for tens of thousands of years now. This aircraft, no doubt, is one of theirs.
How does such an advanced aircraft just crash, you ask? It isn’t the first time our unfriendly galactic neighbors have crashed onto our happy little planet. Roswell, Pennsylvania, and the list goes on. Only time will tell what the American-Saudi-Reptilians Axis is cooking up on the Arabian peninsula, but this writer is putting all his money on a superweapon to wipe out Saddam’s army once and for all without the need for nuclear weapons.
ASEM & WHITE TECHNOLOGIES REPORTS LOWER-THAN-EXPECTED EARNINGS. [Written by Staff for Bloomberg]. Like most tech companies, Asem & White are struggling to recover from last year’s recession. This has soured some of those who believed that Asem & White would choose 1992 as the year to go public.
CCA TO OPEN FIRST PRIVATELY-RUN MAXSEC FEDERAL PRISON. [Written by Staff for the New York Sun]. The Corrections Corporation of America, under contract with the United States Marshals Service, will open Leavenworth Detention Center this May, raising fresh concerns over the growing “prison-industrial complex”. Human rights group claim that private prisons, especially those ran by the CCA, are prone to abuse on part of the guards. The CCA released a press release, saying they take human rights “very seriously” and will do all it can to train its guards at this new prison facility.
FORD WEATHERS STORM. [Written by Staff at Bloomberg]. The Ford Motor Company stunned the market by reporting a $3 billion loss, far less than what the market expected and a sign that the company is making a turnaround after last year’s recession.
INTEL AND AMD AT WAR FOR THE SOUL OF THE MARKET. [Written by Jerold Towner for Bloomberg]. This year, Intel will bring to market over twenty new cutting-edge chips, unveil its next-generation chip, and ultimately double the release of new chip families. All of this goes to the heart of a microprocessor war between Intel and Advanced Micro Devices Inc. and her fellow copycats. Intel has been dealt more than a few blows over the last year between the recession and news that competitors are copying and improving on Intel’s patented designs (court cases pending).
Only time will tell how Intel weathers the storm, but things are looking up for the company, which expects to have a 100 million-transistor chip out by 1998/1999.
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE. [From the Velvet Charitable Foundation].
The VCF is proud to announce its latest initiative: YoungMinds. YoungMinds is a program to help disaffected and homeless teenagers in America’s largest cities and, someday, all her cities. YoungMinds will provide shelter and food to homeless youth as well as provide a nurturing environment to aid in youth development.
Secondly, we are proud to announce that the Velvet Charitable Foundation will expand operations in sub-Saharan Africa over the next few years. We feel that this region is in the most desperate need for our limited resources and expertise. More information will be revealed in coming months.
SUSPECTED SERIAL KILLER APPREHENDED. [Written by Staff at the New York Times]. It began as a normal night for one police officer before he saw a screaming, bleeding prostitute running up the street toward his parked cruiser. The officer, believing he was dealing with a violent John, soon descended into a world of bloody madness. Joel Rifkin, confronted by the officer as he rounded the corner (presumably chasing after his would-be victim), immediately surrendered.
The story he would deliver to interrogators over the next two hours left all in attendance stunned.
VLAKPLAAS’S HAVRIX LIKELY TO BEGIN USE IN 1992. [Written by Staff at the Daily Mail]. Vlakplaas, a pharmaceutical company, has secured a significant milestone as it will be the first company to bring a vaccine for hepatitis A vaccine to market. Last summer, European regulators approved Havrix for use.
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Orders cover 1 January 1992 to 9 July 1992.
Wait for your PMs before doing anything.
Next Update: 25 December, Noon Eastern