Cousin Sven! I thought the nose goblins had taken you all those years back in Landover!
Uncle Adi will be so pleased you are back; he'll probably nibble on one of your fatted calves in ecstasy before moving on to a celebratory feast of gamey buttocks. Cousin Jan was rearrested for monkey smuggling and causing a public indecency, but both him and the dachshund are very happy together. They are currently keeping him in at Spong General Hospital for observation and eventual turnip extraction. Both of the Eirikson triplets were involved in an indident down on Jollity Farm last March 43rd, though, involving a rickety Baba Yaga play set and rusty floorboard directly above old Jed Magascis' clandestine underground sausage factory; they went through straight into the mixing vat until they ended up in a large tent with a moose, a dog and a mother in law, salt and pepper added for flavour, and then sewn up together by Jed's blind old Brazilian catamite. Once they killed and chewed each other up, they were hung in the smoke cellar until they were fit to be served to the pigs as fine sausage. Snowball was most appreciative, and never suspected that the next day the kiddies would be playing with his bladder to decided who got to read this month's Watchtower first. Such is the way of the world.
Brother Ugki is back from the pet seminary, and claims you owe him a groat.
White screwdriver the second time.