Moscow Times
Bringing News to the Heart of Russia
Armenian and Azerbaijani War Criminals Punished!
Earlier this month, the premier legal minds of the Russian Federation met in St. Petersburg to preside over the trial of Armenian and Azerbaijani war criminals who perpetuated the terrible and unnecessary war against the tyrannical despotic regimes which, prior to the liberation of the Armenian and Azerbaijani peoples by the glorious government of this great Russian Federation, so abused the people of the region. The trials levied against these terrible despots were found, after days of deliberation by the jury and a legal debate worthy of one of the greatest trials in history, were found to be accurate, and the defendants guilty. They were summarily executed by firing squad. The jurors, who ultimately voted unanimously to see the late despots brought to justice, later commented, also unanimously, that we can all be grateful to live in such a wonderful, enlightened nation with a justice system greater than any justice system in the world. The innocent are protected, and the guilty are punished. Another great day to be Russian!
Unrest in the Pan-American Paradise?
Earlier this month, Mexican soldiers stormed Havana in what was the final offensive of the conflict between the nations of the United States of America and the United Mexican States, and Cuba. Disagreements between American and Mexican generals on how best to carry out the conflict have, it appears, reached a head as Mexican soldiers brought an end to the Cuban nation while the American army stood by doing... Nearly nothing. This has been heralded by the Mexican people as evidence that they have out-classed the American military which was, "widely regarded" as the "most competent and able military force in the world". The questionable beliefs of North American analysts aside, it is clear that the one-sided relationship between the United States and Mexico continues. What this means for the future is uncertain, but for the moment, Mexican forces can be congratulated for their superior testicular fortitude.
European Aggression Against the Balkans Continues -- Serbia Will Fight to the End
As the European Federation's war of unprovoked aggression against many nations of the Balkans continues, Serbia vows to fight the European aggressor to the death. A flurry of missives between the European Federation and the Serbian government have seen that nation's commitment to meet and match the invader with all the funds and arms at their disposal. It will be an uphill battle, as the Europeans have already beaten back resistance in Croatia and Bosnia, but the Serbian government, armed forces, and people are apparently willing to do whatever is necessary to maintain their sovereignty against the European menace. All across the Balkans, the scene is rubble, devastation, and bloodshed. Few can fathom the apparent European blood lust, and analyst and renowned Russian historian Yeltsin Fyodorov was unable to comment. Therefore, we have substituted his wise and erudite rulings with the opinion of a randomly-polled eleven-year-old: "EURO ARE SUXXOR!!1"
Abuse by Military Administration Exaggerated, Bureau of Statistics Says
The surrender of the invalid and tyrannical governments of the former "nations" of Azerbaijan and Armenia has seen the establishment of a provisional military administration as the government of this great nation begins to make the necessary preparations to establish proper governmental administration over the region. In the meantime, this nation's glorious armed forces have done their best to maintain order in the newly-liberated area. Unfortunately, there have been reports of abuse by soldiers of the armed forces, who will face court martial later this month. Despite the truth of some of these incidents, the Bureau of Statistics has released the results of a study done this month which shows conclusively that many of these reports of so-called abuse have been the creation of pigdog foreigner subversives, hoping to paint the name of the Russian armed forces in a negative light. While this news is by no means surprising, it is disappointing and disturbing. Clearly, the world over is jealous of the freedoms, liberties and sense of purpose and pride of citizens of this Russian Federation.
Japan Calls for American Withdrawal, Austral Union Supports the US, Or More Trouble in the Pacific
A message from the government of Japan was tendered to the government of the United States in public international forums this month, calling for the withdrawal of American naval groups from the Marianas and Caroline Islands, which was called a clear expression of hostile intent towards the Japanese nation. The Yankees responded with the assertion that the presence of the American navy in the region was part of the general effort by many Pacific nations to put down the Vietnamese communists. Japan responded by informing the United States that it was not involved in Asian affairs, to which American ambassadors tendered the following message, according to documents released by the Office of Foreign Affairs, "The content of our executive budget is as surprising as it is secret." Regardless of the picture of the United States this paints as not even knowing its own reasons for its actions, the government of the Austral Union offered a type of warning to their Japanese "allies" that they would support American action in the Pacific. Where does this leave all the various players in the Pacific war? Who knows. Of all the odd and illogical things foreign pigdogs have done, even Yankees, have done in recent months, this just about takes the cake.
