Diary of a New(b) God

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

Our scouts heal in the woods, and I negotiate open borders with Askia so the pointy stick boys can pass through Songhai to reach Nanjing. I’m concerned about leaving my borders undefended so my other scouts stand sentry while Thebes trains more pointy sticks.

Our war chariot sinks the barbarian galley and our scientists complete their study of sailing. A greek wanders into my court. His name is Themistocles. “Where is your list?” I demand. “I have no list,” says he, “only a message: He who commands the sea has command of everything.” Thanks, pal, I figured this out 300 years ago when I ordered my scientists to study sailing. “Get out of here and don’t come back without a list!”

Spoiler :

The Memphites stones another barbarian to death, and the new warriors escort the workers up to Memphis.

We learn that Montezuma has entered the medieval era. Our treasury is looking awfully sparse so I order the labrats to start studying trapping. Whenever a foreigner enters our land we will trap him and force him to buy something. That ought to boost the economy!

My empire is thriving, we’ll soon shut down Barbara’s noisy party, my people are happy knowing that we’ll soon have silver and foreigners in cages and everyone agrees that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Spoiler Militray Record :

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

My friend Gandhi contacts me to tell me how great and powerful the Egyptian military is. Poor Gandhi has lost his capital! He won’t tell me who took it, but I suspect it was Nebby. I offer my condolences and renew our pact of cooperation. Again I discuss entering his war with Babylon but he declines. Poor, foolish Gandhi.

Spoiler :

Nebby enters a research agreement with Woozy and then has the gall to ask me for open borders. I cannot refuse him fast enough.

Japan and Songhai declare peace. Sidon announces that it hates Hanoi. Hawho?

Barbara is bothering the Oslons and I promise to help them. The Bucharettes announce the no longer need our help. No reason to be upset, I would have gotten around to helping you eventually.

Spoiler :

Our war chariot is promoted for its efforts against te barbarians. Workers reach Memphis and prepare to start mining for silver. Memphis declares that what it really wants is gems. There is no pleasing these people! I decide it is time for my next great commandment. Their growth is stagnant.

Spoiler :

Commandment 3: All workers shall be made citizens, for they work hard to improve the empire of Egypt.

Spoiler :

This pleases the workers and they begin to work even faster. The Thebians protest “We don’t want to handle all those diapers ourselves!” ”Too bad!” I thunder “You had fun making the babies, you can have fun changing their nappys!”

My people are happy, especially my new citizens and everyone agrees I am pretty great, especially Gandhi who says I’m pretty powerful too!

-Ramesses

 

[NinjaDethStrike]

Don't know how much longer you're going to survive, but I'll be watching.

 

[evrett37]

At this I leap up and cut out his tongue. “Feel free to show it to everyone on your way out!”

Not knowing what else to do with the tongue, I stick it in a clay jar, because we’ve got plenty of those lying about. For some reason the notion of sticking body parts in jars seems to delight my people. I really hope this doesn’t become a thing…..

More babies are born in Thebes, which only further decreases our literacy because everyone knows that babies can’t read. Happiness also takes another hit as there are now more stinky diapers and still no workers to clean them up. Ignorance is bliss, so my people are happy because they don’t know they’re dumber than Napoleon’s horse and everyone agreed that I am pretty great, even Caeser.

-Ramesses

lov'n it ..the hobos in the ruin was great too! God is Good!

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

My, how the Egyptians have been busy! Our war chariot has broken up Barbara’s party. Finally the Memphites can sleep in peace! Thebes completes the pointy sticks and they take over sentry duty so the scouts can resume their exploration. Thebes begins construction of our first Trireme. The scientists complete their study of trapping and begin learning about ironing.

Spoiler :

Vienna and Sidon both hate Hanoi. We still don’t know who Hanoi is, but I’m getting awfully curious what they did to upset so many people.

Japan wants to cooperate with our great empire. We agree.
China wants to steal the riches of our great empire. We do not agree.
Songhai enters the medieval era. We do not care.

Spoiler :

Suddenly, the warning horn sounds - a wandering list maker approaches! All my people gather around the courtyard, eager to see a killing. I order the list maker seized and brought before me. The man is a bubblering mess.
“Kill him,” I tell the guards.
“But, Ramesses!” he protests, “my name is Pliny..”
“Kill Pliny,” I tell the guards.
“But, Ramesses!” he protests, “I come bearing a list…”
“Kill Pliny with the list,” I tell the guards.
“Please, Ramesses!” begs Pliny, “allow me to present the list! Perhaps it might please you and you might spare me!”
“Very well,” I tell the guards, “we will hear the list.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, Ramesses!” he sighes, “My name is Pliny and I come bearing a list..”
“Yes, yes, we’ve already heard all of this,” I say, “get on with it.”
“A list of the people with the most shiny things!,” he says.
“If we are at the bottom, I will kill you,” I tell Pliny the list maker.
“Oh, great Ramesses! “ says Pliny, “I have the most fortunate news! You are seventeenth on the list! ”
“Maim him,” I tell the guards, and they haul off Pliny the list maker, kicking and screaming.

Spoiler :

My people are happy and extremely productive for a change, a wounded list maker is hobbling away from my empire and everyone agrees that I am pretty great.

-Rameses

Spoiler Military Record :

 

[Guardian_PL]

Seriously, this is awesome.

Awfuly curious about the Hawho?

We agree/do not agree/do not care

17th? Maim him.



VERY nice way to start my day.

P.S. You should make a website with such stories - it would become as popular as Order Of The Stick

Well done, keep it coming

 

[yahzuk]

P.S. You should make a website with such stories - it would become as popular as Order Of The Stick

I had never seen this before, but its pretty funny. Thanks for sharing! But I already have a different idea for what I'm going to do next.

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

Memphis completes the silver mine and the Thebians love me for it!

Spoiler :

The Memphites have been working so hard on the mine that their growth has become stagnant. I reward them with some cows. “Just don’t stand about staring at them all day!” I warn.

Spoiler :

We hear that Siam entered the medieval era and someone built a “great” wall. What’s so great about a wall. A tall narrow pillar with a bit of a pointy tip, that’s what’s great!

Persia signs a research agreement with Japan. I don’t bother to write down all the times that someone makes a research agreement, but Persia sure forms a lot of them! I’m glad no one is pestering me for these silly agreements. The Egyptians share our great scientific knowledge with no one!

My people are happy and they love me, and soon they’ll be making all sorts of lovely silver tributes to me because everyone agrees that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

Memphis completes my great monument and begins building a Trireme to explore the great lake.

We open our borders to Gandhi. Persia forms a research agreement with our enemy!

The pointy stick boys issue Barbara an ultimatum. “Oh, Bar-bar-ah! We have you surrounded! Come out immediately and apologize to Ramesses for your oh-so-many transgressions or you will be slaughtered!” Barbara does not answer, which delights the pointy stick boys and their little scout buddies.

Spoiler :

My people are happy, glorious monuments to my greatness adorn both my great cities, our pointy sticks will soon be stained with barbarian blood and everyone agrees that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

Barbara’s time to come out and resolve this standoff peacefully is just about to expire. The pointy stick boys rattle their pointy sticks in eager anticipation. "Last chance, Barbie!” they shout into the silence. The scouts wave their not so pointy sticks in excitement as well. Suddenly, my braves scouts are jumped from behind and mercilessly slaughtered by Chinese spears. They never stood a chance.

Spoiler :

So Barbara allies herself with the Woozy one, eh? I cannot say I’m surprised. Those two are meant for each other.

The “We love Ramesses!” celebrations in Thebes produce a tiny new citizen. My people are happy and they love me, though our festivities are dampened slightly by the vicious murder of our scout, but everyone still agrees that I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Spoiler Military Record :

 

[Paradigne]

Awesome read. I look forward to the next installment

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

We learn that Helsinki has been conquered. Oh, Helsinki, we hardly knew ye! Actually we didn’t know you at all. Is Helsinki somewhere near Hawho?

Thebes completes our first Trireme which is sent south to explore. I’ve been eyeing up that peninsula on the great lake for a lake house and order Thebes to scrounge up some more intrepid settlers.

Woozy’s spearmen retreat to heal their cuts and scratches following their cowardly attack on our scouts. The pointy stick boys make short work of Barbara’s spears. Our war chariot arrives to join the fray, but several of Woozies boys show up as well. The pointy stick boys take to higher ground.

Spoiler :

I promised to help the Olsons if they ever needed assistance. And when Oslo asked for help against Barbara, I immediately sent my men to drive her off. Then the Oslons announce they’ve allied themselves with Arabia. Arabia! I don’t see Harun’s boys here dealing with Barbie and her Woozy friends. Talk about a lack of appreciation!

Spoiler :

My people are happy,the pointy stick boys prove that our sticks are pointier than Barbara’s and everyone agrees that I am pretty great, except for Oslo who apparently prefers Harun.

-Ramesses

Spoiler Military Record :

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

The Woozies are on the march… right past us! Are they ignoring our troops to attack our great city of Thebes? I still will not cede to her outrageous demands. Our war chariot fires on the Woozy swords but barely scratch their armor. They take target practice on some Woozy scouts instead.

Spoiler :

Thebes finishes training my new settlers, who are sent to create a new city on the peninsula near some whales. Thebes begins training more pointy sticks to fend off the Chinese. Our trireme meets Warsaw, south of China, and a spots an island with another old city.

Spoiler :

We meet Hiawatha and Elizabeth. Both great us warmly. They bring news that a new world wonder has been constructed. “Well what is it?” I ask. “It’s a chicken,” says Elizabeth. “A chcken!?!” “No, no, no," says Hiwatha, “Chichen Itza!” Riiiiiight…..

Spoiler :

We’ve just learned that Gandhi has been defeated. Oh, Gandhi! Why did you reject my offers of help! And now we receive word that Woozy forces attack Vienna! Our scouts are deployed to track the Woozies. We must know if they march on Vienna or Thebes. It’s known that Vienna falls under the protection of Arabia. Surely the friend of the enemy of our enemy will want to be our friend. I contact Harun to discuss war against China. The conservation starts out warmly enough but Harun declines to join our fight against the Wuze.

Spoiler :

My people are happy, even though we don’t know if the empire is about to come under Woozy attack, and everyone agrees that I am pretty great, except for Gandhi because he’s dead now.

-Ramesses

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

Our scouts catch up to the Woozies. They may have seen a heffalump or two as well. We believe they are marching on Vienna, but it is difficult to tell. The scouts withdraw to a safe distance.

Spoiler :

We open our borders to Japan.

Memphis completes our second Trireme. At long last we can explore the great lake! They begin building a work boat to capture the whales near our future settlement. Thebes’ territory now includes pearls so they will need a work boat as well.

The scouts check again and find no sign of Woozy. They must be marching on Vienna. Harun didn’t want our help protecting Vienna, so let him deal with her. Farther south, my war chariot finishes off a Woozy scout, and the pointy stick boys kill Barbara’s archers. The PSB’s earn a promotion and use it to heal up quick. Neat trick that!

The Bucharettes announce they are no longer allied with India. Gandhi is dead now, so that’s probably a good call.

On their third check, the scouts report the Woozies right back where they were before.

Spoiler :

My people are happy, Thebes is safe for the moment, although my scouts may be overdue to have their eyes checked, and everyone agrees I am pretty great.

-Ramesses

Spoiler Military Record :

 

[yahzuk]

Dear Diary,

Our scientists have learned the secret of iron working, bringing us into the classical era, and thus begins the first golden age of Egypt! Unfortunately, there are no sources of ion within the empire, but there are ore deposits just outside both Thebes and Memphis. We’ve no choice but to buy one, despite the treasury’s severe lack of funds.

Spoiler :

Woozy declares peace with Vienna. What terrible price must she have exhorted from them? Thebes completes the pointy sticks and deploys them to reinforce the border guard. We begin training a work boat to collect pearls. Persia signs yet another research agreement, this one with Arabia.

I summon the Union Boss to my court. “I’m impressed by these catapult things other empires have and I want one. Study mathematics so you can build them for me.” Little did I know this would be the start of a long and incredibly painful conversation.

“No problem, Ramesses” he says,”but first we have to study archery.”
“We already know archery,” I tell him, “begin learning mathematics at once.”
“Sorry, Ramesses,” he argues, “but we gotta do archery first.”
“Do you see the war chariot out in the courtyard?” I ask him.
“Yes, Ramesses” he answers.
“Do they have bows and arrows?” I demand.
“Yes, Ramesses” he answers.
“Do they know how to fire them?”
“Yes, Ramesses,” he answers, “quite well , in fact!”
“Do see the guys up on the palace roof?” I ask him.
“I can’t see the rooftop from here,” he says.
“Are you aware of the guys on the palace roof, wiseguy? The ones that fire arrows at trespassers who come too close to Thebes?” I demand.
“Yes, Ramesses,” he answers.
“Then how can you stand there and tell me that we need to study archery?” I ask.
“Well, you see, Ramesses, we know CBA and RBA, but we….,” he says.
“START MAKING SENSE!” I thunder at him.
“The war chariots, they know chariot-based-archery. They can fire arrows from a moving chariot.” He says.
“Continue.”
“The palace guards know roof-based-archery. They’re really good at firing arrows from a high rooftop.” he explains.
“So what is the problem?” I demand.
“We need to learn stationary-ground-based-archery before we can study maths,” he says smugly.
“Stationary-ground-based-archery?” I cannot believe my ears.
“Yes, Ramesses, you see that’s when…”
“I can tell what it is from the name, you idiot!” I snap at him.
I take a moment to collect myself.
“The war chariots, they fire arrows from the ground, yes?” I ask. I think I am being remarkably patient with this man.
“Yes, Ramesses,” he says, “but they move while they’re doing it.”
“Granted, but the roof archers, they stand still, correct?”
“Yes, Ramesses,” he says, “but they’re several stories up in the air.”
“So what you’re telling me,” I say, “ is that we can fire arrows while standing on a rooftop, which is tricky, and we can fire arrows from a speeding chariot, which is extremely difficult, but we are going to need years of study before we can fire arrows while STANDING PERFECTLY STILL ON THE GROUND!”
“That’s exactly right, Ramesses,” replies the very annoying person in front of me.
“I JUST HATE YOU, SO MUCH,” I say. He is lucky to be a citizen of Egypt and not a wandering list maker or he’d have an arrow sticking out of his eye right now.

My people are happy, Egypt is thriving in its first glorious golden age despite the fact we now need to study things we already know, and everyone agrees I am pretty great, except the lousy union boss who is lucky I'm no longer allowed to whip my own citizens.

-Ramesses

 

[gethe]

Best update yet!

 

[Arexander]

I just cracked up when I read the conversation of Ramesses and the union boss.

 

[Sonereal]

This is the greatest story about losing since Lemmy's Babylon tale.

 

[Civ'ed]

This is the greatest story about losing since Lemmy's Babylon tale.

That or Lemmy's England tale.

 

[Sparthage]

Great Story! Espescially the conversation with the Union Boss.