Diary of a New(b) God
- Thread starter yahzuk
- Start date
I hope the next diary entry comes soon. I wanna see woozy get her but kicked! lolDear Diary,
My exploring trireme has been surrounded by an Aztec fleet! “Bud, are you a pest?” they ask suspiciously. Turns out Monty just conquered Budapest and his men are hunting down any survivors. Upon learning that they are Egyptian and not pesty, they allow my trireme is allowed to continue on its way and we see the captured city. We also learn that Hiawatha has entered the renaissance era, while my own scientists have just completed philosophy.
Seeing Montezuma’s fleet convinces me it’s time to increase my own naval power. I can think of no better way than to build my own secret island naval base, and I can think of better place than the lovely little archipelago of the horses. And then I grimace as I realize I must now share my plan with the union boss.
“Sounds great, Ramesses,” the union boss says, “but we’re going to need some more research first.”
I steel myself for the worst, “And what do you need to research now?”
“Well, you’re figuring to put settlers on boats, right, Ramesses?”
“Don’t even try to tell me that’s a problem!” I say, “We have settlers, we have boats. People get on the boats, people get off the boats. What could possible be the problem?”
“The problem isn’t the people,” he says, “the problem is the cows.”
“Cows?” I ask.
“Cows.” He says.
Curse this man, he is going to make me ask the question, “What does this have to do with cows?”
“We can’t form a city without cows!” he protests, “from the very beginning of our empire, your chosen people, Ramesses, have also used cows to build cities!”
“Fine! Put the cows on the boat,” I say.
“Well sure, we can put the cows on the boats.”
“You’re about to tell me we can’t get the cows off the boat,” I sigh.
“No, no, we can get the cows off the boat,” he replies.
“If you even try to tell me this has something to do with some new kind of archery, so help me, Egyptian or not, I will kill you!”
“Oh, no, nothing, like that Ramesses!” he laughes, “what we need are better optics!”
“Optics?” I ask.
“Optics.” He says.
I’m through playing his little game.
“Explain. Explain now. Stop making me ask you stupid questions, just explain and make some sense!” I order.
“Hey, no problem, Ramesses. It’s like this. Our boats can only go so deep, so they got to stay pretty close to shore. But there are sharp rocks close to shore and if our boats hit a sharp rock, they’ll sink. So the crew, they got be on the lookout for the rocks. But at night, it is dark. So they need big lanterns to see the rocks. But the crew is worried about having cows on the boat, because they’ll kick over the lanterns and then the whole boat goes up in flames, see? So now we got to put the lanterns in a tall tower on the shore, and we need to learn more about the optics to make telescopes, to be able to see the lanterns in the towers from the boats. Understand?”
Yes , I understand. I understand that you are an idiot. But don’t worry, my dear union boss, you will have your optics, but two can play your little game and I shall make you pay for this one!
But all I say out loud is “Very well. Go and research the optics and build the towers and put the cows on the boats and settle a city on the archipelago.”
And I smile. I smile from ear to ear, because I know how I’m going to get back at this frustrating little man. I know how I will take my revenge.
For I have decided that the people of Egypt are finally ready to hear my next great commandment!
Commandment 4: Piety is the greatest of all virtues, and all my people, the greatest of all people, shall have the greatest reverence to me, for I am Ramesses, god of Egypt, and I am pretty great.
There, that ought to get the union boss’s attention. He may be a contemptible little smeghead, but he’s nothing without the support of the union workers. I know the workers get some perverse thrill out of seeing their boss hassle me, but deep down they are all loyal citizens of Egypt who won’t tolerate outright disobedience of a great commandment. Well, not right away anyway. Their memories are short and their complacence will grow far too soon, but for the moment I can count on them to shame the union boss into an apology and I shall exact a great tribute from him.
Exactly as I expected, it isn’t long before the union boss appears meekly before my throne.
“Uh, Ramesses, uh, may I have a few moments of your time?”
“Why of course, my dear union boss,” I reply ever-so-sweetly , “ whatever may I do for you?”
“Well, uh , the boys and me, we was , uh, realizing that maybe we ain’t always been so, uh, reverant to you as we, uh, oughta be, you know? And I was really hoping, that, uh, there was some way we could, uh, make it up to you?”
I’m really enjoying how hard this is for him.
“Maybe I could talk to the boat crews and try to convince them to just be careful that the cows don’t kick over their lanterns?” he suggestes.
“What, and ruin all our carefully laid plans for optics and towers and risk letting our settlers go up in flames? Not to mention the cows! Oh, the poor cows!” I mock him, “No don’t be silly, my dear union boss, continue as we discussed this morning, for I have a much better idea. As a tribute to me, you shall build a burial tomb in every city.”
“Right!” shouts the union boss, “what’s a burial tomb?”
“It’s basically a big fancy box made out of gold, that we put a dead person in.”
“Right!” shouts the union boss, “why would we put a dead person in a box made out of gold?”
“Because it will increase the culture of belief in me, and also it will make you happy.”
“Right!” shouts the union boss, “how exactly does this increase people’s belief in you?”
“Can you think of any good reason to put a dead person in a box made out of gold?” I ask.
“No, none at all” answers the confused union boss.
“Other than the fact that I, Ramesses, god of Egypt am telling you to do it, of course?”
“Well, yes” he says, “there is that, of course.”
“So, my dear union boss, if the only good reason to put a dead person inside a box made out of gold is because I, Ramesses, god of Egypt, told you to do it, and everyone sees that you are, in fact, putting dead people inside boxes made of gold, they will be forced to realize that the reason could only be that you were, in fact, told to do so by someone who must, in fact, be I, Ramesses, god of Egypt, thereby increasing the culture of belief in me! Understand?”
“Not really…” he manages.
“Not my problem!” I laugh gleefully.
“But-but what about our current customs? Of cutting up the dead people and putting them in little jars!” he asks.
“Oh, you can still cut out their ptongues and brains and all the other good bits and put them into jars,” I say, “just stick the jars next to them in the golden boxes. In fact, take the dead people’s gold and stick that in the burial tomb with them too!”
“That doesn’t sound like a very good financial decision,” the union boss protests, “if anyone ever captures one of our cities, they’ll be able to steal all that gold!”
“DO YOU DARE TO SUGGEST” I thunder at him “THAT ONE OF MY GREAT CITIES WOULD EVER FALL BEFORE OUR ENEMIES!”
“No, of-of-of course not, Ramesses,” he trembles,”it’s just that-“
“I have suffered you patiently, my dear union boss, but I tire of this. Have a burial tomb built in each of my great cities.”
“Of c-c-course, Ramesses” its just that-“
“Shhh! Less you talking, more you putting dead people in fancy boxes made of gold!”
At this, the incredibly irritating and stubborn man before me finally has the sense to bow and make a hasty exit.
“And don’t forget to tell everyone to be happy about it!” I merrily call after him.
My empire continues to prosper, I have taken sweet, sweet revenge upon the annoying union boss and my people are happy knowing that we’ll soon be able to settle distant lands without the threat of self-immolating cows and soon we’ll even have fancy golden boxes filled with dead people and gold and jars of body parts and there can be no doubt that everyone agrees, I am pretty great.
-Ramesses
My exploring trireme has been surrounded by an Aztec fleet! “Bud, are you a pest?” they ask suspiciously. Turns out Monty just conquered Budapest and his men are hunting down any survivors. Upon learning that they are Egyptian and not pesty, they allow my trireme is allowed to continue on its way and we see the captured city. We also learn that Hiawatha has entered the renaissance era, while my own scientists have just completed philosophy.
Spoiler :
Seeing Montezuma’s fleet convinces me it’s time to increase my own naval power. I can think of no better way than to build my own secret island naval base, and I can think of better place than the lovely little archipelago of the horses. And then I grimace as I realize I must now share my plan with the union boss.
“Sounds great, Ramesses,” the union boss says, “but we’re going to need some more research first.”
I steel myself for the worst, “And what do you need to research now?”
“Well, you’re figuring to put settlers on boats, right, Ramesses?”
“Don’t even try to tell me that’s a problem!” I say, “We have settlers, we have boats. People get on the boats, people get off the boats. What could possible be the problem?”
“The problem isn’t the people,” he says, “the problem is the cows.”
“Cows?” I ask.
“Cows.” He says.
Curse this man, he is going to make me ask the question, “What does this have to do with cows?”
“We can’t form a city without cows!” he protests, “from the very beginning of our empire, your chosen people, Ramesses, have also used cows to build cities!”
“Fine! Put the cows on the boat,” I say.
“Well sure, we can put the cows on the boats.”
“You’re about to tell me we can’t get the cows off the boat,” I sigh.
“No, no, we can get the cows off the boat,” he replies.
“If you even try to tell me this has something to do with some new kind of archery, so help me, Egyptian or not, I will kill you!”
“Oh, no, nothing, like that Ramesses!” he laughes, “what we need are better optics!”
“Optics?” I ask.
“Optics.” He says.
I’m through playing his little game.
“Explain. Explain now. Stop making me ask you stupid questions, just explain and make some sense!” I order.
“Hey, no problem, Ramesses. It’s like this. Our boats can only go so deep, so they got to stay pretty close to shore. But there are sharp rocks close to shore and if our boats hit a sharp rock, they’ll sink. So the crew, they got be on the lookout for the rocks. But at night, it is dark. So they need big lanterns to see the rocks. But the crew is worried about having cows on the boat, because they’ll kick over the lanterns and then the whole boat goes up in flames, see? So now we got to put the lanterns in a tall tower on the shore, and we need to learn more about the optics to make telescopes, to be able to see the lanterns in the towers from the boats. Understand?”
Yes , I understand. I understand that you are an idiot. But don’t worry, my dear union boss, you will have your optics, but two can play your little game and I shall make you pay for this one!
But all I say out loud is “Very well. Go and research the optics and build the towers and put the cows on the boats and settle a city on the archipelago.”
And I smile. I smile from ear to ear, because I know how I’m going to get back at this frustrating little man. I know how I will take my revenge.
For I have decided that the people of Egypt are finally ready to hear my next great commandment!
Commandment 4: Piety is the greatest of all virtues, and all my people, the greatest of all people, shall have the greatest reverence to me, for I am Ramesses, god of Egypt, and I am pretty great.
Spoiler :
There, that ought to get the union boss’s attention. He may be a contemptible little smeghead, but he’s nothing without the support of the union workers. I know the workers get some perverse thrill out of seeing their boss hassle me, but deep down they are all loyal citizens of Egypt who won’t tolerate outright disobedience of a great commandment. Well, not right away anyway. Their memories are short and their complacence will grow far too soon, but for the moment I can count on them to shame the union boss into an apology and I shall exact a great tribute from him.
Exactly as I expected, it isn’t long before the union boss appears meekly before my throne.
“Uh, Ramesses, uh, may I have a few moments of your time?”
“Why of course, my dear union boss,” I reply ever-so-sweetly , “ whatever may I do for you?”
“Well, uh , the boys and me, we was , uh, realizing that maybe we ain’t always been so, uh, reverant to you as we, uh, oughta be, you know? And I was really hoping, that, uh, there was some way we could, uh, make it up to you?”
I’m really enjoying how hard this is for him.
“Maybe I could talk to the boat crews and try to convince them to just be careful that the cows don’t kick over their lanterns?” he suggestes.
“What, and ruin all our carefully laid plans for optics and towers and risk letting our settlers go up in flames? Not to mention the cows! Oh, the poor cows!” I mock him, “No don’t be silly, my dear union boss, continue as we discussed this morning, for I have a much better idea. As a tribute to me, you shall build a burial tomb in every city.”
“Right!” shouts the union boss, “what’s a burial tomb?”
“It’s basically a big fancy box made out of gold, that we put a dead person in.”
“Right!” shouts the union boss, “why would we put a dead person in a box made out of gold?”
“Because it will increase the culture of belief in me, and also it will make you happy.”
“Right!” shouts the union boss, “how exactly does this increase people’s belief in you?”
“Can you think of any good reason to put a dead person in a box made out of gold?” I ask.
“No, none at all” answers the confused union boss.
“Other than the fact that I, Ramesses, god of Egypt am telling you to do it, of course?”
“Well, yes” he says, “there is that, of course.”
“So, my dear union boss, if the only good reason to put a dead person inside a box made out of gold is because I, Ramesses, god of Egypt, told you to do it, and everyone sees that you are, in fact, putting dead people inside boxes made of gold, they will be forced to realize that the reason could only be that you were, in fact, told to do so by someone who must, in fact, be I, Ramesses, god of Egypt, thereby increasing the culture of belief in me! Understand?”
“Not really…” he manages.
“Not my problem!” I laugh gleefully.
“But-but what about our current customs? Of cutting up the dead people and putting them in little jars!” he asks.
“Oh, you can still cut out their ptongues and brains and all the other good bits and put them into jars,” I say, “just stick the jars next to them in the golden boxes. In fact, take the dead people’s gold and stick that in the burial tomb with them too!”
“That doesn’t sound like a very good financial decision,” the union boss protests, “if anyone ever captures one of our cities, they’ll be able to steal all that gold!”
“DO YOU DARE TO SUGGEST” I thunder at him “THAT ONE OF MY GREAT CITIES WOULD EVER FALL BEFORE OUR ENEMIES!”
“No, of-of-of course not, Ramesses,” he trembles,”it’s just that-“
“I have suffered you patiently, my dear union boss, but I tire of this. Have a burial tomb built in each of my great cities.”
“Of c-c-course, Ramesses” its just that-“
“Shhh! Less you talking, more you putting dead people in fancy boxes made of gold!”
At this, the incredibly irritating and stubborn man before me finally has the sense to bow and make a hasty exit.
“And don’t forget to tell everyone to be happy about it!” I merrily call after him.
My empire continues to prosper, I have taken sweet, sweet revenge upon the annoying union boss and my people are happy knowing that we’ll soon be able to settle distant lands without the threat of self-immolating cows and soon we’ll even have fancy golden boxes filled with dead people and gold and jars of body parts and there can be no doubt that everyone agrees, I am pretty great.
-Ramesses
chgrogers
Prince
The poor union boss. I am shocked with the number of naval units that the Aztecs have built.
DefoesRightBoot
Former Daimyo x3...
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2010
- Messages
- 201
Spotted the Red Dwarf 'smeghead' quote in the last post! 
Guardian_PL
Emperor
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2006
- Messages
- 1,231
Oh yes, I'm a silent lurker now but one's got to appreciate Yahzuk's efforts in this uneven fight. Poor AI, they want to mess with the deity!
This thread and also aimlessgun's Roman Rifle Rush are the best gems on this forum.
Registered just for this, been lurking for a few days after a bit of googling and some Sullla tips and tricks. Only got the game a few days ago and the RB3 Deity immensely helps despite showing the glaring faults with it ;(
I spotted 'the cake is a lie'! Half-Life! You go Ramesses, get those burial tombs going.
I spotted 'the cake is a lie'! Half-Life! You go Ramesses, get those burial tombs going.
ShadowNX
Prince
Just read through this, and found it most excellent, great stuff ! 
Carnid
Chieftain
It WAS pretty great. Will it be pretty great again?
filli_noctus
Hmmn
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2010
- Messages
- 2,221
Unlikely, the save has probably been broken several times over by now.
sticky this as guide how to make a story : ) maybe someone will one day come to enlighten us what happened to Egyptian and their beloved really great god.I've been lurking these forums for a little while because I'm interested in buying Civ V and just read through this entire thread today. This story was so good! I'm sad to see that it is probably dead, but it is really pushing me to buy this game now rather than wait for Steam's winter sale.
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