Elmo...

[GenghisK]

Read on a humor site:

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at
8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says...

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles...."

 

[Cursed_Wolf]

 

[cgannon64]

Good one. For some reason, that reminds me of a site where they parodied those characters - Shoot Me Up Elmo (on drugs) - shoot him up, he'll squirm and babble!

what if my cousin had that

 

[Zcylen]

here goes another one.
A guy really loves his g/f so he decided to tatoo his d*** with her name.
so he did, every time they eer.. (you know what) she could see Wendy in his d***.
but when is was in normal size only was visible WY.
once he went to a bathroom and there he found a big-tough-black man and he also saw WY on his d***!!!
so he asked the black man if he was dating wendy too because of the letter WY and the big black man answered:
oh, no. this is WELCOME TO JAMAICA LAND OF JOY

 

[GenghisK]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

 

[cgannon64]

@ Zyclen: I've heard similar one. There is a guy. His girlfriend sees him naked, and she sees AIDS tatooed on his d***. She goes "Oh my god! You have AIDS! Why didn't you tell me?" And he says, "Hold on, it will say ADIDAS in a minute."

closed so fast

 

[Darkness]

Good ones!

 

[Zcylen]

that's a good one too cgannon64.
here's a riddle:

what have in common a Cool french, Santa Claus and Superman?
the answer will be posted later

 

[GenghisK]

I guess they don't exist?

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it
over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
The man after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Porsche, NSX, and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million dollars in the bank...
But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I
cut off three inches! Just send the bottle back.

 

[Zcylen]

Originally posted by GenghisK
I guess they don't exist?

you're right! they dont exist!


that was a good one too gengis!

 

[GenghisK]

btw fortunately for you that i have no french blood, although being french
Well but you're not that wrong finally. Bad drivers, smokers... mmm.

 

[puglover]

More Elmo jokes.

Q. What did Elmo say when he became a pirate?
A. Arrrr! Tickle Me Elmos! (Shiver me timbers)

 

[KoRnEa]

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and The perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

WOMEN - STOP READING HERE, THAT IS THE END OF THE JOKE.

MEN - KEEP ON SCROLLING













So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point - women either never listen or are unable to follow simple instructions.

 

[puglover]

That's funny?

 

[Zcylen]

Originally posted by puglover
That's funny?

Of course its funny!!!



@ GenghisK
yeah, but its a joke I hope the french readers dont take it personally
when I lived in the US we use to say jokes about the rest of the world, including our own country.

here's one more.


this was last night of the titanic, after crashing with the iceberg it was about to sink.
one of the officers said to the captain
"sir, there are 4 guys who are still playing poker, they said they wont jump. An english, an american, a french and a iraki"
the captain
"leave that to me"
then, after few minutes, the officer saw the 4 men jumping to the water.
the officer was amazed, he took more then 1 hour trying to convince the 4 guys while the captain took only 5 minuts
"what did you tell them captain?"

well,
to the american I told'im it will show the rest of the world the way to follow, that he would lead us all
to the english I told'im its polite and it shows your good manners.
to the french I told'im its the newest fashion around the world and it looks very nice.

"and what did you tell to the iraki"

jumping is forbbiden.

 

[puglover]

 

[GenghisK]

Hehe, Zcyclend, reminds me that famous joke about the world poll "what do you think about hunger in the rest of the world"

 

[Zcylen]

I dont know it.
c'mon tell it!

meanwhile here's another of 4 guys.
the last one was a poor iraki, this is of an american...dont take it personal


4 guys just died in a car accident and went to heaven.there St Peter recived them.
"whaaat? why are you here? you should be alive still, that was a mistake!"
the 4 guys were really happy, they was about to come back to life!
"but there is a problem" St Peter said.you cant go back to life with your human form.
"then, what should we do?"
one of the guys said.
"well, see that hole in the middle of the clouds? well, you have to run to that hole and when jump in say the form you want to go back to earth"
"Ok,"
first, the english ran to the hole and said "Eaglee" and so it was
then the german ran to the hole and said "hawk" and so it was
then the french ran to the hole and said "dove" and so it was
and last the american run to the hole but when he was about to jump he stumbled and said "sh******t!!!"

 

[philippe]

Or another one
Wallonian poeple dont read this.
So there where three man on a boat that was sinking,a Englishman a American and a wallonian
The englishman says:save the women and the children!
The american said:F*** the children!!
The wallonian said:do we got time for that?

 

[GenghisK]

Well the world poll was "what's your opinion about starvation and lack of food in the rest of the world". And it was a failure. Because in Africa people didn't know what food mean, in Europe people didn't know what lack mean, in China, people didn't know what "one's own opinion is", and finally in the US they didn't know what "rest of the world" mean.. Very famous though.