Historical Jokes Thread

[awesome]

"the celts, they were led by larius birdus" - history professor i once had

 

[LightSpectra]

From Hark! A Vagrant:

 

[sophie]

Sort of an oldie, but definitely a goodie.

 

[4Eyed Duncan]

That made my day!

 

[Jouzou]

Gorbachev and Reagan were at the docks boasting about their latest military advances.
Gorba: "Our researchers have developed a submarine that can go for two weeks without resurfacing for air, supplies or fuel"
Reagan: "Two weeks? Ha! Our boys just made a sub that can go underwater for two months straight."
Both men were distracted by a rusty hulk that emerged from the water. When the hatchet opened, an old man in a badly worn-out uniform peeked out and asked: "Haben sie Diesel?"

 

[Nuka-sama]

 

[Truthy]

From the old thread:
Stalin visits a class in school. After an inspiring speech he asks if there are any questions...
One student gets up.
"My name is Vasily. I have 3 questions:
"Why is our country disrespecting human rights?"
"Why are people getting sent to Gulag?"
"Why people are more and more opressed every day?"
Stalin begins to sweat, but suddenly a bell rings.
After the break students come back
"Does anyone have any questions?"
"My name is Vovochka and I have 5 questions:
"Why is our country disrespecting human rights?"
"Why are people getting sent to Gulag?"
"Why people are more and more opressed every day?"
"Why did the bell ring 15 minutes earlier?"
"Where is Vasily?"

 

[W|M]

Isn't that joke more commonly used with George W. Bush?

 

[Steph]

During the colonial era, a French general inspect a regiment of Algerian tirailleurs.
He select a soldier randomly "you there: that is your name?"
"I am Mohammed sir!"
"What is France for you?"
"France is my mother!"
"Good! And you what is your name?"
"I am Ali sir!"*
"What is France for you?"
"France is my uncle!"
"Your uncle? why?"
"Mohammed is my cousin"

 

[Dachs]

Wouldn't that be "aunt", not "uncle"?

 

[Communisto]

saw this on wiki the other day, i luled

Hitler calls Mussolini on the phone:
"Benito aren't you in Athens yet?"
"I can't hear you Adolf."
"I said aren't you in Athens yet?"
"I can't hear you. You must be ringing from a long way off, presumably London."

 

[Steph]

Wouldn't that be "aunt", not "uncle"?

This is what happens what you post after 20 hours plane travel + full day of work+ time difference

 

[Jouzou]

Yet another Cold War -related joke (btw, it was thanks to Communisto's joke that I remembered this one).

A Soviet diplomat is visiting the White House and sees a white telephone that's glowing strangely. When he asks what it is, the president says: "Oh, it's just a hotline to upstairs". Then, the president picks up the phone, dials a number and speaks for five minutes with God. The operator charges 20 000 dollars and the Soviet diplomat is stunned.

One year later, an American diplomat is visiting the Kremlin and sees a red telephone that's glowing strangely. "I see you're looking at our latest innovation", says the Head of the Communist Party, "It's a hotline to downstairs". The Head of the Party picks up the phone, dials a number and speaks for an hour with the Devil. The operator charges 20 rubles.

"How come it's so cheap?" asks the American diplomat.
The Head of the Party shrugs and says: "Local call".

 

[SeekTruthFromFacts]

Alexander the Great and Diogenes of Sinope once met in Corinth. Alexander noticed that Diogenes was searching through a pile of human bones, and inquired as to what he was doing. Diogenes replied, "I am looking for the bones of your father, but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave."

That sounds like a way to significantly shorten one's lifespan.

 

[Dachs]

That sounds like a way to significantly shorten one's lifespan.

If it were true, it might have, but the fact that Alexander was, at the time, in Korinthos, firming up alliances with the eponymous league, and as such was in no condition to have any citizen of an allied state murdered, militates against such a response. Even in Makedonia, the kings did not have the power of life and death over all men at a whim, and the tradition was actually rather more that lèse majesté was accepted and even encouraged; Alexander's father had been the one to begin to dispense with that tradition, but it was still quite strong in 336 BC (when the meeting is usually dated).

Of course, the oldest version of the anecdote has Diogenes being annoyed at Alexander for blocking his sunlight, and nothing more.

 

[Plotinus]

Diogenes: proving that irritating know-it-alls existed even before the Internet.