joke contest submission

[phoenixcager]

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.

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[stellar converter]

i like comrade lenins last one. oh, haakan, if you want to win, translate your joke, because im pretty sure non of the judges can read latin

. or are even bilingual, for that matter.

 

[Travin]

How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?


None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."


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Travin

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[Travin]

What's the difference between a virgin and a light bulb?

-You can unscrew a light bulb.

------------------
Travin

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[Travin]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."



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Travin

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[Travin]

this one is for vanillacube

I've followed you, talked to your neighbours, tapped your phone, and even shot at you to see how you would react.
From my observations I have come to one irrefutable conclusion:
You are Paranoid.



------------------
Travin

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[Travin]

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." They ran down the street, over the hills, through the woods, along the railroad track, and down the beach for miles and miles and miles. The fat guy nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her as she circled back toward his house. He had more thoroughly enjoyable sex. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! To the ounce!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets ready for the next diet representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens it, he sees this hairy zoo gorilla with a huge erection and a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, i'm going to screw you."



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Travin

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[vladmir_illych_lenin]

How Sh*t happens:

In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came The Assumptions.

And The Plan was without substance.

And The Assumptions were without form.

And Darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks!"

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may
abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant groth, and it is very strong!"

And the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!"

And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and
vigour of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,
and The Plan became Policy.

And that is how Sh*t Happens.

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

The Priests a$$

A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told there was a
fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it
in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so
steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race him. To his surprise ,
the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the
headline PRIEST'S a$$ SHOWS.

The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another race.
This time it won. The paper reported PRIEST'S a$$ OUT IN FRONT. The
bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper read
BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S a$$.

This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get
rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby
convent, and the headline read NUN HAS THE BEST a$$ IN TOWN. The bishop
fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the
donkey. She sold it to a farmer for 10 dollars, and the paper duly
recored NUN PEDDLES a$$ FOR TEN BUCKS.

They buried the bishop the next day.

[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 09, 2001).]

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

Guide to Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only
allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty one. How
old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the
correct procedure.

Q. If I fax to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on my street where you can go and pay to fax
someone. Is this legal?
A. YES! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a PROFESSIONAL when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. I fax quite often...Should I use a cover?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover should
always be used.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly fax and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed
for a long time. Just start over. Most fax partners won't mind if
you try again.

Q. I have a business and a personal fax. Can transmissions become
mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover each
time you fax, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

I made up this joke, and, as usual, I found it on the internet.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

<h1>W A R N I N G !</h1>

This machine is subject to breakdowns during
periods of critical need. A special circuit in the
machine called a 'critical detector' senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how
desperate he or she is to use the machine.
The 'critical detector' then creates a malfunction
proportional to the desperation of the operator.
Threatening the machine with violence only
aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to
use another machine may cause it to also
malfunction. They belong to the same union.
Keep cool and say nice things to the machine.
Nothing else seems to work.

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

WARNING! THIS JOKE IS DIRTY! BUT I CENSORED SOME EXTREME PARTS! If you are offended my slight profanity, DO NOT READ ON!

Cybersex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you`ll see below,
one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
chat doesn`t seem to quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe
he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I work out every day, I`m toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I`m 6`3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I`m also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We`re in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I`m looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: I`m gulping, I`m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I`m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I`m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I`m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I`m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I`m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides
off my warm skin. I'm *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I`m sorry.

Sweetheart: That`s OK, it wasn`t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I`ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don`t worry about it. I`m wearing a lacy black bra. My *CENSORED* as I *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: I`m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it`s stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I`m reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. My *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I`m picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.

Sweetheart: I`m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your *CENSORED* all over me!.

Wellhung: I`m dropping the bra. *CENSORED*

Sweetheart: I`m running my fingers through your hair. Now I`m nibbling
your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and
phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I`m so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I`m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.

Wellhung: I`m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I`m pulling your sweat pants down and *CENSORED*.

Wellhung: I`m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!


uhh... the rest is WAY too dirty. I can not post it. If you want to read the real, uncensored version, PM me. It's really funny!

[This message has been edited by vladmir_illych_lenin (edited January 10, 2001).]

 

[Travin]

A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging a low fee and Santa Claus were seated around a table in the center of which was $10,000.


The lights went off. When the lights came back on the $10,000 was missing. Who took it????


The lawyer charging the high fee took it because the other two are a figment of your imagination.


------------------
Travin

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[vladmir_illych_lenin]

Haha! That one was funny Travin. There's another one like it. It goes something like this:
There's a perfect man and a perfect woman. They had a perfect marriage, and a perfect honeymoon. On their way back from their perfect honeymoon, in their perfect car, driving in the snow, santa clause suddenly appeared in front of them. The car crashed, and only one person survived. Who was it?

Woman's answer: The woman survived, because a perfect man and santa clause are just figments of your imagination.

Men's comeback: I guess that's why the car crashed. The woman was driving.

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics
to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,
the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing
that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing
the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl
while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on
the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on
the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to
the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him
to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the
husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started
laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The
happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued
down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed
the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise
came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he
turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 

[stellar converter]

i like vlads story that the boy and girl wrote, first page i think. with the aliens and tea.

lefty's barbarian joke comes in second for me.

vanilla and corn, post your finalists here.

none of them are as good as my priceline.com joke though. dang its good!

 

[vladmir_illych_lenin]

It's on pg.2

 

[VanillaCube]

I Would say leftys barbarian joke comes in first and the seconed place would be Travins Beer Joke!

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The people in my cool book
1.Travin
2.Thunderfall
3.Stellar
4.SunTzu
5.Håkan
6.scorch
7.vladmir_illych_lenin
8.vanilla_converter
9.Michspirit99