In this round, we learn that all the galleys I built are useless until Galleons and that Louis knows how to whip it. Regardless, we still wreck him 
Chapter 4: French Wine, French Cheese, and French Mops Made From French Hair
Joao began the round by examining his position. Louis's main army was broken-He had 3 strongholds left, effectively 2, because one of his strongholds was isolated. His army was recuperating, he had an elite general waiting in Rome, and his people where only slightly furious. Everything was going well. To help with the anger, Joao contacted Surayadsgasdgfastuga and proposed to exchange Spices for Wine. He happily agreed. Fine wine was rare in the Orient, and it would spice up his life with Asoka, according to Joao. Joao tried not to vomit as he lied through his teeth, but, atleast he had spices. No need to advance on his Indian allies!
Meanwhile, Frederick was behind technologically but had managed to get longbows. Joao decided to abandon any ideas of invading Germany and instead opted to trade for the secrets of Feudal society. Despite not implementing it himself, his cities could now be garrisoned more securely in case Shaka Zulu ever got frisky. Or worse, he sent that insane woman with the serpent on her hat to Lisbon.
Meanwhile, Louis continued to make half-hearted efforts to recuperate Paris, all failures. Joao continued to garrison the rebellious city, with the man in charge being fully promoted to the status of General. Shockingly enough, it was the father of Hannibal! Hannibal seemed somewhat upset when Joao consulted him if he would not be annoyed should Hamilcar serve in the name of Portugal, but he relented. Hamilcar Barca was placed in charge of training a force of veteran Chariots in the art of medicine. He would lead this unit indefinetly for the duration of his service to Portugal. Joao personally hoped it would be forever.
Meanwhile, the freshly recruited horse archers regiments sent by his generals to aid in Paris had been rallied together with two division of swordsmen towards the lightly guarded stronghold of Lyons, in Brittany. Louis desperately reinforced his garrison with a regiment of horse archers and a swordsman division, but it was not enough. The new recruits suffered horrible casualties, but the day was a victory for Portugal. Joao immediately ordered the building of a library and monument commemorating the brave recruits that fought for Portugal and died in the fields of Brittany. But Joao was actually more interested in the prospect of finding Narwhal off the coast of Brittany. To his disappointment, he didn't find any, just more fish, and crab.
Meanwhile, Joao contacted Suryaasdgasdfasdfasd, requesting to spread Feudal Society to the East in exchange for the secrets of Machinery, but Suryayasdgasdf was a cheapskate and demanded a carrack full of gold to be sent to him as well. Joao angrily sent the first carrack prototype loaded with gold and wisemen towards the East.
As they rounded the Cape of Zulu, the men came upon a strange peninsula that oozed a smelly black liquid. There they found a man by the name of Gilgamesh, with a beard that Hammurabi was said to be envious of. "Aha!", said Joao. "I have found Hammurabi's mate! Why else would they have similar facial characteristics!"
Meanwhile, some unknown creature indigenous to the Sahara had wandered into the luxurious hills of Morocco and had begun to pray on the elephant there. Hunters soon found the beast consumable, and a ultimatum was issued by the king, allowing it to breed so that it could eventually be consumed on a daily basis.
Meanwhile, one of Joao's acquaintances in the world had built the Apostolic Palace, trying to bring the political debate of Hinduism into 1 central authority. Every leader was offered a seat as cardinal, and they would then elect a pontiff to lead them in the holy path to Krishna. Hinduism remained a minority religion in Portugal despite Joao's attempts, and he was unable to be voted as pontiff. He decided to vote for Suryasdfadfasd, as he had proved a good ally so far despite his rather obvious relations with Asoka. Ironically, the two lovers faced each other in the palace, competing for the seat*vomit*!
Suryasdfasdfas won the vote, yet he proceeded to idle in the seat of pontiff, living the life of a fat, old man who liked to wear green and demand outrageous trades from Portugal. Meanwhile, the Greeks had founded a colony on the boot of Italy. Joao would have founded the city himself but he knew that it would be crushed by the obnoxious Greek culture that seemed to ooze and leak throughout the world.
The garrison of Louis's second to last stronghold was adequate, but Louis would proceed to slave the population, demanding that any capable peasant arm themselves to the death. Joao was disgusted by this behavior, and quickly moved his army northwards, ignoring Joao's more lightly guarded southern heartland. Besides, the northern city was full of wonders to be claimed by him. Meanwhile, adventurous scavengers had discovered pikes in the ruined city of Marseilles, leading to a breakthrough in pike design for the Portuguese. Joao decided to fund an expedition, but no progress was made. But Joao did find one important piece of information. Louis used narwhal horns as pikes.
A few years later, Joao felt confident enough to found a new city, honoring his commitment to the loyal people of Nice. The nobles demanded that the city be called Lagos, but Joao informally titled the city 'Nice'. Joao had decried their demands, but was forced to accept them. He said that an insult to the will of Krishna would not be permitted, and that Krishna would make so much gold flow out of the ground that the nobles would drown in it!
These nobles would be stumped, as within a few months, reports of Gold deposits by Coimbra would begin to flow until Joao ordered one of his most pestering nobles, the Lord of Braganza, to investigate. Several days later, the crew that had accompanied the Lord returned, stating that the Lord had fallen into a deep hole, and that later rescue attempts revealed he had died with solid gold inside his throat, surrounded by riches never before seen in a cavern that seemed endless. Joao gleefully renamed Lagos 'Nice'.
When reports of minor theft of gold by the miners begin to appear, Joao was furious and established a code of work ethics for agriculture, industry, and trade. These codes would be posted as part of Joao's code of law, eventually culminating in Joao establishing a bureaucracy to manage all aspects of the Empire's wealth based in Lisbon.
Within a few years, more success was reported from the front, Orleans had fallen to the Portuguese army! Louis was down to one stronghold, and Joao planned to put his hair to interesting use once he captured Louis.
Eventually Hammurabi came to Joao, asking him to share his secrets of civil government. Joao reluctantly agreed, knowing full well that Hammurabi would spread this knowledge to his own benefit at the harm of Portugal. He would be proved right later as other civilizations learned the secrets of Paper before Portugal later on.
Boudica, lacking any form of order in Britain, demanded code of law from Joao as well, to which he agreed. Less conflict was in his interest, and Boudica seemed to be preparing for war. He could only pray that it was not directed at him for the things he wrote to her after he discovered the warts. He painfully squirmed in his chair as the subject returned to his attention. So far, the doctors had been unable to cure him. He still had hope, but it was dying every day Boudica continued to walk around smugly.
However, Joao's mood was lifted when his scientists reported a breakthrough in water travel technology. They stated that they had discovered the first boats capable of sailing off of the coast! Joao was excited; he had always wondered what lay beyond the fish that was almost unaccessable to him and his people. He hoped to put these technologies to good use as soon as Louis was dead.
He decided to take advantage of his technological lead and trade optics for a book written by Asoka, called, "Thinkings of a man that conquered all of India and then chose to never wage war again". It talked about the ideas of no war, limited military, where the entire world would be in almost constant peace. Joao liked the idea, and he hoped to one day implement it, but as long as Louis remained alive that would have to wait.
Louis had been frantically(and successfully) toxicating the minds of his subjects that the Portuguese had come to eliminate them. While it had a certain truth, Joao decided to intervene before the minds of his future subjects where warped completely. He knew that he risked losing most of his army, and indeed he did. However, Louis was captured alive, much to the joy of Joao. He also captured the Notre Dame, which is always nice.
It doesn't compare to the marvel that is Orleans. It contained the Colossus of Orleans, The Parthenon, and the Oracle! Joao puzzled at this, wondering if Greeks had been here. He shrugged, and decided to implement massive infrastructure plans throughout his empire. It was sparsely lacking in laborers, but thankfully he had captured many of them that had tried to improve Louis' last stronghold of Rheims before it fell.
Within a few years, Joao had discovered the secrets of Paper, which he heartily abused. He offered Frederick Asoka's old book, that had lost much of it's meaning as the entire world at this point was aware of it in exchange for a map of all the known world. Frederick happily agreed, and Joao was blown away. Africa was a mess. The Zulu had established themselves in the southern half, the Sumerians in the northeastern third, and isolated Carthaginian and independent city states where shown throughout. Meanwhile, a landmass Joao had been unaware of was revealed to him. It was a large, desert-like area, with grassland in certain parts of it. Joao was eager to send explorers and settlers to these new areas, but he was nervous of the distance involved. Looking around, he realized that the big blank on his map offered a possibly shorter route to that continent. Joao began preparing ships to sail westwards. It was time for a voyage. Hopefully he could ship Louis there.
Meanwhile, Louis had been pampered in a jail in Paris. Several years had passed, and he had somehow become even fatter than what he was originally and even more annoying. So annoying in fact that Joao tried to drag him by the hair to executioner, but the hair easily slipped away. Joao roared with laughter as Louis furiously complained, his head under a guillotine. Eventually, Joao stopped laughing. He ordered Louis be kept alive and that he was to now wear a pink frilly dress at all times. His new home was to be Joao's palace at Lisbon where he would serve as the bathroom maid that would clean the chamber pots of Joao and his few scattered visitors that would show up every so often. Meanwhile, Joao relented on letting Louis continue to wear the wig. It would, however, be attached to a sturdy branch of oak, and he would use it to mop the floor. Louis was beyond furious, his veins popping, his nasty breath coming out in huffs. He angrily agreed, knowing that the alternative was death. Joao would gleefully make jokes about Louis from now until the end of time.Oh, and another gifted student of the sciences was born yet again in in southeastern Portugal, and he offered his services as a professor of science at the academy in Lisbon.
But before Louis was allowed to begin his work as a Joao's new housemaid, he was questioned on where he had obtained the narwhal horns for use as pikes. He remained flustered for several weeks and eventually answered that Boudica had brought them over from Britain whenever she wanted to do
WARNING: RATHER INAPPROPRIATE WORDING
Joao's reactions where an immediate vomiting, furious punch to the face to Louis, and a strange, yellow-tainted letter arriving for Boudica from Joao, telling her it was a new perfume and that he wanted her to sniff it. He questioned Louis if he had warts, and he replied yes, that Boudica had given them to him. Joao beheaded Louis after he had mopped all the floors of his palace using his wig, angrily staring across the British channel at Boudica, expecting her to look for another reason to mock him in another disturbing way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right, somewhat long round, and it took me a bit of time to write up. Louis is dead, and Boudica is being fictionally blamed for Joao's problems(In reality, she's at cautious, but preparing for war). Frederick is too strong, as he now has longbows, to consider killing, and my army is now dust, as I decided to attack at 30% culture before Louis could whip more longbows. As usual, please comment. Thank you.
Chapter 4: French Wine, French Cheese, and French Mops Made From French Hair
Joao began the round by examining his position. Louis's main army was broken-He had 3 strongholds left, effectively 2, because one of his strongholds was isolated. His army was recuperating, he had an elite general waiting in Rome, and his people where only slightly furious. Everything was going well. To help with the anger, Joao contacted Surayadsgasdgfastuga and proposed to exchange Spices for Wine. He happily agreed. Fine wine was rare in the Orient, and it would spice up his life with Asoka, according to Joao. Joao tried not to vomit as he lied through his teeth, but, atleast he had spices. No need to advance on his Indian allies!
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, Frederick was behind technologically but had managed to get longbows. Joao decided to abandon any ideas of invading Germany and instead opted to trade for the secrets of Feudal society. Despite not implementing it himself, his cities could now be garrisoned more securely in case Shaka Zulu ever got frisky. Or worse, he sent that insane woman with the serpent on her hat to Lisbon.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, Louis continued to make half-hearted efforts to recuperate Paris, all failures. Joao continued to garrison the rebellious city, with the man in charge being fully promoted to the status of General. Shockingly enough, it was the father of Hannibal! Hannibal seemed somewhat upset when Joao consulted him if he would not be annoyed should Hamilcar serve in the name of Portugal, but he relented. Hamilcar Barca was placed in charge of training a force of veteran Chariots in the art of medicine. He would lead this unit indefinetly for the duration of his service to Portugal. Joao personally hoped it would be forever.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, the freshly recruited horse archers regiments sent by his generals to aid in Paris had been rallied together with two division of swordsmen towards the lightly guarded stronghold of Lyons, in Brittany. Louis desperately reinforced his garrison with a regiment of horse archers and a swordsman division, but it was not enough. The new recruits suffered horrible casualties, but the day was a victory for Portugal. Joao immediately ordered the building of a library and monument commemorating the brave recruits that fought for Portugal and died in the fields of Brittany. But Joao was actually more interested in the prospect of finding Narwhal off the coast of Brittany. To his disappointment, he didn't find any, just more fish, and crab.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, Joao contacted Suryaasdgasdfasdfasd, requesting to spread Feudal Society to the East in exchange for the secrets of Machinery, but Suryayasdgasdf was a cheapskate and demanded a carrack full of gold to be sent to him as well. Joao angrily sent the first carrack prototype loaded with gold and wisemen towards the East.
Spoiler :
As they rounded the Cape of Zulu, the men came upon a strange peninsula that oozed a smelly black liquid. There they found a man by the name of Gilgamesh, with a beard that Hammurabi was said to be envious of. "Aha!", said Joao. "I have found Hammurabi's mate! Why else would they have similar facial characteristics!"
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, some unknown creature indigenous to the Sahara had wandered into the luxurious hills of Morocco and had begun to pray on the elephant there. Hunters soon found the beast consumable, and a ultimatum was issued by the king, allowing it to breed so that it could eventually be consumed on a daily basis.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, one of Joao's acquaintances in the world had built the Apostolic Palace, trying to bring the political debate of Hinduism into 1 central authority. Every leader was offered a seat as cardinal, and they would then elect a pontiff to lead them in the holy path to Krishna. Hinduism remained a minority religion in Portugal despite Joao's attempts, and he was unable to be voted as pontiff. He decided to vote for Suryasdfadfasd, as he had proved a good ally so far despite his rather obvious relations with Asoka. Ironically, the two lovers faced each other in the palace, competing for the seat*vomit*!
Spoiler :
Suryasdfasdfas won the vote, yet he proceeded to idle in the seat of pontiff, living the life of a fat, old man who liked to wear green and demand outrageous trades from Portugal. Meanwhile, the Greeks had founded a colony on the boot of Italy. Joao would have founded the city himself but he knew that it would be crushed by the obnoxious Greek culture that seemed to ooze and leak throughout the world.
Spoiler :
The garrison of Louis's second to last stronghold was adequate, but Louis would proceed to slave the population, demanding that any capable peasant arm themselves to the death. Joao was disgusted by this behavior, and quickly moved his army northwards, ignoring Joao's more lightly guarded southern heartland. Besides, the northern city was full of wonders to be claimed by him. Meanwhile, adventurous scavengers had discovered pikes in the ruined city of Marseilles, leading to a breakthrough in pike design for the Portuguese. Joao decided to fund an expedition, but no progress was made. But Joao did find one important piece of information. Louis used narwhal horns as pikes.
Spoiler :
A few years later, Joao felt confident enough to found a new city, honoring his commitment to the loyal people of Nice. The nobles demanded that the city be called Lagos, but Joao informally titled the city 'Nice'. Joao had decried their demands, but was forced to accept them. He said that an insult to the will of Krishna would not be permitted, and that Krishna would make so much gold flow out of the ground that the nobles would drown in it!
Spoiler :
These nobles would be stumped, as within a few months, reports of Gold deposits by Coimbra would begin to flow until Joao ordered one of his most pestering nobles, the Lord of Braganza, to investigate. Several days later, the crew that had accompanied the Lord returned, stating that the Lord had fallen into a deep hole, and that later rescue attempts revealed he had died with solid gold inside his throat, surrounded by riches never before seen in a cavern that seemed endless. Joao gleefully renamed Lagos 'Nice'.
Spoiler :
When reports of minor theft of gold by the miners begin to appear, Joao was furious and established a code of work ethics for agriculture, industry, and trade. These codes would be posted as part of Joao's code of law, eventually culminating in Joao establishing a bureaucracy to manage all aspects of the Empire's wealth based in Lisbon.
Spoiler :
Within a few years, more success was reported from the front, Orleans had fallen to the Portuguese army! Louis was down to one stronghold, and Joao planned to put his hair to interesting use once he captured Louis.
Spoiler :
Eventually Hammurabi came to Joao, asking him to share his secrets of civil government. Joao reluctantly agreed, knowing full well that Hammurabi would spread this knowledge to his own benefit at the harm of Portugal. He would be proved right later as other civilizations learned the secrets of Paper before Portugal later on.
Spoiler :
Boudica, lacking any form of order in Britain, demanded code of law from Joao as well, to which he agreed. Less conflict was in his interest, and Boudica seemed to be preparing for war. He could only pray that it was not directed at him for the things he wrote to her after he discovered the warts. He painfully squirmed in his chair as the subject returned to his attention. So far, the doctors had been unable to cure him. He still had hope, but it was dying every day Boudica continued to walk around smugly.
Spoiler :
However, Joao's mood was lifted when his scientists reported a breakthrough in water travel technology. They stated that they had discovered the first boats capable of sailing off of the coast! Joao was excited; he had always wondered what lay beyond the fish that was almost unaccessable to him and his people. He hoped to put these technologies to good use as soon as Louis was dead.
Spoiler :
He decided to take advantage of his technological lead and trade optics for a book written by Asoka, called, "Thinkings of a man that conquered all of India and then chose to never wage war again". It talked about the ideas of no war, limited military, where the entire world would be in almost constant peace. Joao liked the idea, and he hoped to one day implement it, but as long as Louis remained alive that would have to wait.
Spoiler :
Louis had been frantically(and successfully) toxicating the minds of his subjects that the Portuguese had come to eliminate them. While it had a certain truth, Joao decided to intervene before the minds of his future subjects where warped completely. He knew that he risked losing most of his army, and indeed he did. However, Louis was captured alive, much to the joy of Joao. He also captured the Notre Dame, which is always nice.
Spoiler :
It doesn't compare to the marvel that is Orleans. It contained the Colossus of Orleans, The Parthenon, and the Oracle! Joao puzzled at this, wondering if Greeks had been here. He shrugged, and decided to implement massive infrastructure plans throughout his empire. It was sparsely lacking in laborers, but thankfully he had captured many of them that had tried to improve Louis' last stronghold of Rheims before it fell.
Spoiler :
Within a few years, Joao had discovered the secrets of Paper, which he heartily abused. He offered Frederick Asoka's old book, that had lost much of it's meaning as the entire world at this point was aware of it in exchange for a map of all the known world. Frederick happily agreed, and Joao was blown away. Africa was a mess. The Zulu had established themselves in the southern half, the Sumerians in the northeastern third, and isolated Carthaginian and independent city states where shown throughout. Meanwhile, a landmass Joao had been unaware of was revealed to him. It was a large, desert-like area, with grassland in certain parts of it. Joao was eager to send explorers and settlers to these new areas, but he was nervous of the distance involved. Looking around, he realized that the big blank on his map offered a possibly shorter route to that continent. Joao began preparing ships to sail westwards. It was time for a voyage. Hopefully he could ship Louis there.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, Louis had been pampered in a jail in Paris. Several years had passed, and he had somehow become even fatter than what he was originally and even more annoying. So annoying in fact that Joao tried to drag him by the hair to executioner, but the hair easily slipped away. Joao roared with laughter as Louis furiously complained, his head under a guillotine. Eventually, Joao stopped laughing. He ordered Louis be kept alive and that he was to now wear a pink frilly dress at all times. His new home was to be Joao's palace at Lisbon where he would serve as the bathroom maid that would clean the chamber pots of Joao and his few scattered visitors that would show up every so often. Meanwhile, Joao relented on letting Louis continue to wear the wig. It would, however, be attached to a sturdy branch of oak, and he would use it to mop the floor. Louis was beyond furious, his veins popping, his nasty breath coming out in huffs. He angrily agreed, knowing that the alternative was death. Joao would gleefully make jokes about Louis from now until the end of time.Oh, and another gifted student of the sciences was born yet again in in southeastern Portugal, and he offered his services as a professor of science at the academy in Lisbon.
Spoiler :
But before Louis was allowed to begin his work as a Joao's new housemaid, he was questioned on where he had obtained the narwhal horns for use as pikes. He remained flustered for several weeks and eventually answered that Boudica had brought them over from Britain whenever she wanted to do
WARNING: RATHER INAPPROPRIATE WORDING
Spoiler :
Joao's reactions where an immediate vomiting, furious punch to the face to Louis, and a strange, yellow-tainted letter arriving for Boudica from Joao, telling her it was a new perfume and that he wanted her to sniff it. He questioned Louis if he had warts, and he replied yes, that Boudica had given them to him. Joao beheaded Louis after he had mopped all the floors of his palace using his wig, angrily staring across the British channel at Boudica, expecting her to look for another reason to mock him in another disturbing way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right, somewhat long round, and it took me a bit of time to write up. Louis is dead, and Boudica is being fictionally blamed for Joao's problems(In reality, she's at cautious, but preparing for war). Frederick is too strong, as he now has longbows, to consider killing, and my army is now dust, as I decided to attack at 30% culture before Louis could whip more longbows. As usual, please comment. Thank you.
My thinking was, the only people I should immediately fear are Frederick, Boudica, and Hannibal. Hannibal falls to cautious but I WANT to kill him, Frederick is still at pleased, and Boudica rose to cautious. It was an overall win, seeing as how I don't/can't stay in Hinduism forever. Pacifism is killing my economy because of my Carrack fleet, OR is useless because few of my cities have hinduism, Paganism is a neutral option which I don't really want to use, Theo=WHY?, seeing as most of my cities don't have Hinduism, so FR seems like the best choice, I'd rather get a tech boost over good relations. Rifles will be my diplomacy, starting with Huayna, then possibly Hannibal 
You're on emperor and managed to be atleast twice as productive as me, got the Great Library, Mids, AND the Hanging Gardens? Maybe should be running this series. 
). Backfilled as opportunity allowed. Took MilTrad from Liberalism.
Of course, there's always that annoying bastard Montezuma.......But nah, Huayna's the best choice.....Anybody?
