Marriage

[onejayhawk]

I am fast approaching my 25th anniversary. It seems a good time to discuss how we make marriages work. Speaking from experience, finding someone you can work with is key. Passion and romance wont get you through the first crisis, much less the hundred and first.

J

 

[Narz]

I am fast approaching my 25th anniversary.

Congrats!

Speaking from experience, finding someone you can work with is key.

That seems to be true from my experience. Sadly I have not yet found an ideal candidate (two very long-term relationships with women I loved very much, 6+ years).

That said, I don't think I'm cut out for marriage or lifetime monogamy. I still would like to find a large term partner though (though I'm not keen on having any ceremony or getting the state involved).

 

[Farm Boy]

I am fast approaching my 25th anniversary. It seems a good time to discuss how we make marriages work. Speaking from experience, finding someone you can work with is key. Passion and romance wont get you through the first crisis, much less the hundred and first.

J

Passion and romance take a pretty severe situational re-envisioning with the introduction of larval humans to the mix.

 

[peter grimes]

I'm currently married for only 4 or 5 years officially. But we've been committed for about 12 or 13. We had our reasons for not getting the civil authorities involved in our personal relationship, but when we finally realized that adding a larva to our unit would be a good idea (??) we came to understand that it's *much* simpler to do that within the current regulatory system.

So we did an elopement (according to our families).

Nothing changed for us personally, but society definitely sees us differently. And I really don't like that. We were just as committed to eachother before that day as we are after it. It's completely arbitrary.

Whatever... Our relationship is far from perfect, and the addition of that little adorable larva has really strained our family economy. None of us (other than her and the dog) get enough sleep, so tempers are short. And I'm very slow to anger.

It's important to thank her for all of the things that she does that make my day to day life easier. Doesn't matter how small, because when it comes down to it, the small favors are the ones that really make life bearable, right?*** Sometimes she makes my lunch for me, and I love it. But I'd never ask her to do that, since I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. But when she does, it's *always* a better lunch than I would have made for myself.

I don't want to talk about the passion and romance aspect, because it's not going well lately. Again, little larva is a big aspect of that as FB mentioned. Also, there are hormonal changes that happen during / after breastfeeding which also affect everyone else living in the home - this is nothing to scoff at.

All in all, I'm extremely conservative when it comes to marriages that involve children. And my wife isn't. This is very interesting to me, since she and I are eye to eye on almost everything. Plus, I'm fairly socially liberal. Except when kids are involved. Odd. And I didn't come from a "broken" home or anything. In fact, nobody in my family was divorced until a few years ago.

Ok, done rambling. She kicked me out of the kitchen because I was being a jerk, but now I'm needed again

 

[Glassfan]

Certainly societies' view of marriage is in flux. IMHO, if you're having children, marriage is the way to go. Children without two parents are at a social and economic disadvantage. But we are becoming so self-indulgent and unwilling to sacrifice these days that it's perhaps best not to have kids unless you can form a mature, stable relationship first.

 

[downtown]

I just had my second anniversary. All in all, I'd say that being married has been a very positive experience, and that the pros significantly outweigh the cons.

Everybody is different, so I doubt I could talk too much about what works and what doesn't. My wife and I are very low maintenance people who agree on the most important things, and I'm not sure how our marriage would work if that wasn't the case.

 

[Narz]

It's important to thank her for all of the things that she does that make my day to day life easier. Doesn't matter how small, because when it comes down to it, the small favors are the ones that really make life bearable, right?

I'm no expert on successful relationships but I do know that being grateful & appreciative seems to be a huge factor. My ex used to say sometimes "Why should I have to thank you for something you should be doing anyway". This is the wrong attitude but I think she's learning that now & we're getting along better even though we're no longer "together".

 

[peter grimes]

I used to have a similar attitude as your ex, but then I made a conscious effort to be better about the little signals of appreciation. It wasn't hard at all to do, and it was very effective.

As a side benefit it let her know that I was thinking pleasant thoughts about her, and that's something everyone likes.

 

[Tarquelne]

I'm currently married for only 4 or 5 years officially. But we've been committed for about 12 or 13.

I was in a similar situation. She started wearing a ring to keep men from hitting on her, and eventually decided she didn't like the implicit lie told by wearing it.

So we got married, to make an honest woman of her.


We were married by a judge who BEAMED the entire time. It was slightly unsettling. What did she know that we didn't? But I decided it must have been a nice break from idiotic petty criminals.


A few years ago we encountered a larval human, too. But I prefer the term "Baloney loaf." It says it all, so far as I'm concerned.


For making marriages work, I think the old cliche about "open and honest communication" is the best advice. Talking won't fix everything, but it often essential in figuring out what needs to be changed, and when.

Indeed, part of that communication should be appreciation ... or information about how more appreciation would be appreciated.


On mature, stable relationships and child-rearing:

Yeah, big time. IIRC for most of history, over most of the world, the parents - while *perhaps* the primary caregivers - generally had plenty of help for relatives and/or their community. It was shared. And a lot of it fell to older folks who maybe weren't as quick to smack around mastodons anymore, but had other things to offer. I think that's because a lot of 20 or even 30 year-olds are best considered more "callow youth" than "mature". The "stable" could still be there, though, which helps.

I'm not saying that you young'ns shouldn't marry and have kids, btw. I'm saying you suck.

No wait, sorry. Just slipped out. How about "You should be conscious of how you treat your kid. And if you read one book about it, read at least 2 more."

I've found military leadership principles surprisingly applicable. Some of the less draconian ones, at least.

Ooh. Get a dog first. A rather large, friendly one. With a loud bark. Surprisingly good practice, IMO.

 

[Narz]

Ooh. Get a dog first. A rather large, friendly one. With a loud bark. Surprisingly good practice, IMO.

Not to mention once the kid is born it gives you a break when the kid can climb all over the dog instead of you once in awhile. (I wish I had one )

 

[Lillefix]

Everybody is different, so I doubt I could talk too much about what works and what doesn't. My wife and I are very low maintenance people who agree on the most important things, and I'm not sure how our marriage would work if that wasn't the case.

What kind of things do you consider "important"?

 

[peter grimes]

Borachio, I thought what you wrote was entirely pertinent. The things that help a marriage work well also apply to job relationships, friends, etc.

It sounds obvious, but it seems that a lot of people don't instinctively know it. I didn't realize it until I was about 30

 

[Borachio]

Oh. OK. Thanks. I really don't belong in this thread though. Having been divorced 32 years ago.

And single ever since.

 

[Old Hippy]

Nothing changed for us personally, but society definitely sees us differently. And I really don't like that. We were just as committed to eachother before that day as we are after it. It's completely arbitrary.

I probably don't belong in this thread either, but I just HAD to put my partner into long team care, and not being married(both of us had been Previously) after 20+ years together causes all kinds of problems for me, as society does not recognize the existence of our long term relationship...

something I wish I'd thought about 15 years or so ago...

 

[Borachio]

^
Wow! That's tough.

You have my sympathy.

 

[peter grimes]

That must be so hard, I really don't know what to say.

And to be honest, that was indeed one of our concerns. We were still unmarried when the Terri Schiavo / Mitch McConnell circus was going on. At the time my brother was still an attorney and we talked to him about a living will.

How ridiculous is it that you have to involve lawyers in your personal relationships like that? Our system is not ideal.

 

[downtown]

First, I think that deleted post about gratitude is not only a great philosophy for a successful marriage, it's a philosophy that will make just about everybody happier. I'm glad that being grateful, and showing that gratitude, is a cornerstone in my marriage.

What kind of things do you consider "important"?

That's a great question, and I know that this is different for different people, and I'm sure will change throughout my marriage.

The professional goals for my wife and I are aligned. We share a similar philosophy about money and spending, and where and how we want to live. We have similar ethical compasses, we're the same religion, and in the sorts of values we want to impart on our children (and when we wanted to have children).

We're not the same person, by any means. I'm a really outgoing, extraverted person, and my wife is much more shy and introverted. I'm not very tidy and more of a big picture type of thinker, and my wife is exceptionally organized, clean, and detail oriented. In many ways, we balance each other out.

I would not hold us up as the paragon of marriage. But I am happy with the way things are now, I think things work for us, and I would do it all again.

 

[BvBPL]

A good relationship is like the New York Public Library, you need Patience and Fortitude.

Green lamps in a quiet reading room are also a plus.

 

[MobBoss]

My wife and I celebrate our 30th year wedding anniversary this June. We had highs and lows and everything in between. Here are my thoughts:

1. Although its often said that beauty is only skin deep and wanes with age, chemistry and physical attraction is still very important. Having that spark and nurturing it goes a long way in getting you through tough times all throughout your marriage. Loving your spouse, physically as well as emotionally is something you work at your entire lives together.

2. Brutal honesty with no secrets builds absolute trust, and trust is a must for any long term relationship. If one person is struggling with something, talk it out and support each other even if its a tough subject. Also be an open book - all my devices/social media accounts/emails/etc. are open to my wife's inspection any time she wants and vice versa.

3. Being able to listen to your spouse is equally important. If they express their fears/wants/needs to you then recognize that and act on them accordingly.

4. Seek out things you like to do together, and vary the routine on occasion. My wife and I are movie buffs, but we also go to the opera during season, and follow a couple of local bands that we love to listen and dance to.

5. Find a method to reconcile an issue when you don't agree. In our household, I hold the 50.1% majority on decisions; however, with that comes the burden of never appearing the tyrant so I have to objectively weigh her concerns as well, and be sincere about it. If you both still strongly opposite an issue, then seek compromise. By bending a little towards each other you avoid a break or at the very least a big argument.

6. And don't be afraid to argue, but be mindful of not injecting a lot of anger into it. Often, if you aren't being effective at #2 of my list, the anger being expressed will be about something completely unrelated to the thing you're arguing about.

7. And realize that being in a successful relationship requires work. Just like you would exercise a muscle to keep it fit you have to work at your relationship. Simply, you get out of it what you put into it. Viewing your spouse as more important than yourself and then acting on that realization will foster a great base for a long term relationship, but its a tough one to manage, especially in the early years when the initial shine has worn off.

8. And if you really have a rough patch and are clueless as what to do, get some couples counseling earlier rather than too late. Your pride is a small thing to swallow if you truly want your relationship to succeed, and you just might learn some things not only about your marriage, but about yourself as well.

I'm sure there is more than that after 30+ years together, but you get the idea. If I think of anything else that's pertinent, i'll add it.

 

[KevinLancaster]

Here I haven't even started dating yet. How did y'all get together in the first place?