Next War PBEM

[Imperator Knoedel]

If there is anyone to blame here its His Excellency of Europa, he has been pumping culture at an alarming rate, which threatens our most holiest of cities Jerusalem. We have had to increase our culture enough to fight him off and keep him from painting OUR desert green. We like our yellow grass, also known as sand and tumbleweeds. If anyone is worried about cultural pressure, it all starts with His Excellency, who seems to want everyone around him to take 3 hour lunch breaks and go on Holiday for weeks at a time to watch 'football' and blow zuzuvela horns that never stop and sound like damned flies.

Pah! Your deceiving lies are outrageous! May We remind you that it is you who cut off Our only path through the Caucasus? Also We have neither invested any money into our Cultural spending nor do we allow Free Speech yet. Some of us don't get to change Civics every turn y'know, Miss "Hurr Durr I am Spiritual and have Cristo Redentor u mad?". If you can't manage to keep the loyalty of a doubly holy city when We aren't even trying to influence it actively, then you've got no one to blame but yourself. But We think that you don't even believe this little tale yourself, you are just making up stuff to turn Us and Asia against each other so you can grab the spoils while We're busy.
Your pathetic attempts at intrigue aren't even amusing, much less plausible. Even more enraging is the fact that you spread your insulting propaganda right after We agreed to pull back a good junk of Our troops from Istanbul. We may not be the most skilled in diplomacy, but We know a knife in our back when We see it. Begone vile snake!

Nervously he steps from the podium. Jesus II's personal assistant, a mechanical robot named Norm, takes the podium.

Norm, *in robot voice* "I will now be taking questions."

Say, are you by chance a fan of Phineas and Ferb?

 

[Eclipse4449]

A message from The Lady Nighthawk, as read from her assistant, Jesus II:

"Actually if you've been paying attention we've been flipping between Free Speech and Nationalism every turn, so effectively we are only at +50% culture on average. If there is anyone to blame here its His Excellency of Europa, he has been pumping culture at an alarming rate, which threatens our most holiest of cities Jerusalem. We have had to increase our culture enough to fight him off and keep him from painting OUR desert green. We like our yellow grass, also known as sand and tumbleweeds. If anyone is worried about cultural pressure, it all starts with His Excellency, who seems to want everyone around him to take 3 hour lunch breaks and go on Holiday for weeks at a time to watch 'football' and blow zuzuvela horns that never stop and sound like damned flies.

If His Excellency would hand over Istanbul and Algiers to their rightful owners, this would create a nice natural buffer of the Mediterranean and allow us to reduce our cultural presence. Calcutta would be free to paint its grass red again. Why they would want that, who knows, but those Asians love red. I've heard its a lucky color in East-Asian gambling!"

Nervously he steps from the podium. Jesus II's personal assistant, a mechanical robot named Norm, takes the podium.

Norm, *in robot voice* "I will now be taking questions."

Lady Nighthawk I expected more from you! Half of Calcutta Loves you and I Hate that!

I Declare War on you and I will now change your GRASS to Red and I'm not bringing any Paint!!!

 

[Nighthawk419]

Pah! Your deceiving lies are outrageous! May we remind you that it is you who cut off Our only path through the Caucasus? Also We have neither invested any money into our Cultural spending nor do we allow Free Speech yet. Some of us don't get to change Civics every turn y'know, Miss "Hurr Durr I am Spiritual and have Cristo Redentor u mad?". If you can't manage to keep the loyalty of a doubly holy city when We aren't even trying to influence it actively, then you've got no one to blame but yourself. But We think that you don't even believe this little tale yourself, you are just making up stuff to turn Us and China against each other so you can grab the spoils while we're busy.
Your pathetic attempts at intrigue aren't even amusing, much less plausible. Even more enraging is the fact that you spread your insulting propaganda right after We agreed to pull back a good junk of Our troops from Istanbul. We may not be the most skilled in diplomacy, but We know a knife in our back when We see it. Begone vile snake!



Say, are you by chance a fan of Phineas and Ferb?

Norm, in robot voice: "The Lady Nighthawk has heard of this show but never watched it. Also, His Excellency is a blatant liar. Why else would he have +100% cultural defense in all his cities already? We speak the truth. As for the Glorious Leader Eclipse, you don't frighten us, pig-dogs! Go boil your bottom, son of a silly person. We blow our noses at you, and all your silly Asian mech-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach"

Jesus II shows up and kicks the robot, then leaves.

"achanical infantry!"

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Lady Nighthawk I expected more from you! Half of Calcutta Loves you and I Hate that!

I Declare War on you and I will now change your GRASS to Red and I'm not bringing any Paint!!!

Well, that escalated quickly.

The Lady Nighthawk has heard of this show but never watched it.

Well, you reminded Us of it, seeing as they also feature a robot named Norm, and might we add that that one has definitely more style than you junkpile:


Link to video.

Trivia: We considered choosing this song as the Europan national anthem.

Why else would he have +100% cultural defense in all his cities already?

Because Europa has a little something called "civilization, culture and a rich history". Maybe you should try it sometime.

Although We enjoy almost nothing more than making snarky remarks, Our Prime Minister reminded Us that this may not be the best way to set a sign for peace and mutual understanding, so consider yourself lucky.

 

[Eclipse4449]

High above Calcutta's skyline in TGL Suite The Glorious Leader throws his shoe at the video screen, it blinks off and sparks fly. He mumbles "she speaks to me indirectly! An Aid!". He expels a long breath and enters his personal elevator to the first floor.

Upon exiting the building he sees to his right a horde of Calcuttians waving little Yellow flags, acting euphoric and dancing half naked in the street. To his left another horde of Asians armed with cameras and video devices film the spectacle. Shaking his head in disgust he gets into his Limo and that when it happened, his Personal Media Device vibrates to alert him of an incoming video message. He opens it and there on the video screen are his 5 prettiest secretaries dressed in nothing but Yellow Flags, they blow him a kiss and waves.
The driver lowered himself in the seat while his Leader shouted unrepeatable explirlatives

 

[Nighthawk419]

Well, that escalated quickly.

Norm: "The Lady is not concerned with Red Asia. They are Communists, which is why the people do not like the Glorious Leader. He also shows signs of mental instability with the throwing of his shoes."

Well, you reminded Us of it, seeing as they also feature a robot named Norm, and might we add that that one has definitely more style than you junkpile:

Norm: "I was not built for style. I was built for comedy and survival through nuclear explosions."

Because Europa has a little something called "civilization, culture and a rich history". Maybe you should try it sometime.

Norm: "Is not the middle east considered the cradle of civilization?"

Although We enjoy almost nothing more than making snarky remarks, Our Prime Minister reminded Us that this may not be the best way to set a sign for peace and mutual understanding, so consider yourself lucky.

Norm: "The Lady wishes to know whether you enjoy conversing with robots?"

 

[Nighthawk419]

He opens it and there on the video screen are his 5 prettiest secretaries dressed in nothing but Yellow Flags, they blow him a kiss and waves.

Jesus II sends an email...


From: JesusII@south.com
To:Eclipse@TGL.communism.com

Pics?

 

[Eclipse4449]

OMG LoL
I'm a truck driver during the day so I can't physically read all this stuff so I use a phone App called Speak It to read it all for me, it has male and female, American and Brittish voices.

I was listen and something one of you said sounded so funny I spit my coffee all over the inside of my truck and windshield.

 

[Nighthawk419]

OMG LoL
I'm a truck driver during the day so I can't physically read all this stuff so I use a phone App called Speak It to read it all for me, it has male and female, American and Brittish voices.

I was listen and something one of you said sounded so funny I spit my coffee all over the inside of my truck and windshield.

Thats ironic that Knoedel is conversing with a robot and you are having the messages read to you by an actual robot!

 

[Tigranes]

Even with AI wars do not start this early

P.S. Need to be careful next time I see an 18-wheeler... CDL Drivers can be into so many things on the road

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Y´know, m´lady, you should really consider moving your troops to where they are actually needed, instead of letting them play a reenactment of the Six-day war. Look, as a sign of goodwill We already moved most of our invasion force out of Istanbul and prepare to send it to Asia. That´s right, We are not only furthering the peace between Our two nations, We are even willing to support you in the defense of your homeland! You better watch out Glorious leader!

 

[Eclipse4449]

Y´know, m´lady, you should really consider moving your troops to where they are actually needed, instead of letting them play a reenactment of the Six-day war. Look, as a sign of goodwill We already moved most of our invasion force out of Istanbul and prepare to send it to Asia. That´s right, We are not only furthering the peace between Our two nations, We are even willing to support you in the defense of your homeland! You better watch out Glorious leader!

Prepare? That's a big step His Excellency, are you sure? ,,

 

[Nighthawk419]

Y´know, m´lady, you should really consider moving your troops to where they are actually needed, instead of letting them play a reenactment of the Six-day war. Look, as a sign of goodwill We already moved most of our invasion force out of Istanbul and prepare to send it to Asia. That´s right, We are not only furthering the peace between Our two nations, We are even willing to support you in the defense of your homeland! You better watch out Glorious leader!

Jesus II makes an announcement:

"His Excellency has a point with this - some of our troops would be better served supporting our other holy cities and revenue generators. As such, we have moved 4 mechanized infantry into Riyadh, holy city of Islam, our state religion. However no additional troops will be moved, as protection of the most holiest of cities is of utmost importance in these dark and perilous days."

gps...

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Jesus II makes an announcement:

"His Excellency has a point with this - some of our troops would be better served supporting our other holy cities and revenue generators. As such, we have moved 4 mechanized infantry into Riyadh, holy city of Islam, our state religion. However no additional troops will be moved, as protection of the most holiest of cities is of utmost importance in these dark and perilous days."

gps...

Wait, are you serious? You have obviously no idea whatsoever of military strategy. Even if you did for some obscure reason distrust Our intentions, you could have left them in Jerusalem, or at least sent some of your troops to the guy that, y´know, just declared war on you.

If Our troops weren´t already in Siberia, We´d definitely invade you now after you have revealed your utter incompetency in military regards. Luckily for you Our advisors still say that you are too valuable an ally to alienate further, so you better hope that Our military brilliance is enough to save your Southern behinds.

 

[Eclipse4449]

Wait, are you serious? You have obviously no idea whatsoever of military strategy. Even if you did for some obscure reason distrust Our intentions, you could have left them in Jerusalem, or at least sent some of your troops to the guy that, y´know, just declared war on you.

If Our troops weren´t already in Siberia, We´d definitely invade you now after you have revealed your utter incompetency in military regards. Luckily for you Our advisors still say that you are too valuable an ally to alienate further, so you better hope that Our military brilliance is enough to save your Southern behinds.

Well well well? I struct that nail on its head, Have you ever gotten yourself in a real fight and before the first punch you do a little bob a weave dance to measure your opponent? the guy might be hiding a Black belt hidden under his jacket, Just can't throw that first punch until you know at least something.

BUT I think there is a problem and I need your help, must people do not reload/replay turn and I certainly don't but it seems there is a problem. If my intent was to Declare war or launch a missle these option weren't available, The game would not allow me to enter a border other than "Open Border" that agreement was not allowed to be cancelled and I tried that at both of my borders.

Is there a 10 turn or something of manditory Peace?

At first I wondered if it was my install because I'm having the same issue with Nukes in my "Today" game, there I am at War but still I cannot launch missles but I loaded a Next War Random map (SP) and Nuked anybody I wanted Including Civs I wasn't at war with, so somewhere there is a problem.

Could you guys go into your last turn and see if you can Declare War on someone? If you can I have a problem I'd like to resolve here at home thanks
Eclipse

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Well well well? I struct that nail on its head, Have you ever gotten yourself in a real fight and before the first punch you do a little bob a weave dance to measure your opponent? the guy might be hiding a Black belt hidden under his jacket, Just can't throw that first punch until you know at least something.

Hey, We are just aiding Our Southern allies doc.

Could you guys go into your last turn and see if you can Declare War on someone? If you can I have a problem I'd like to resolve here at home thanks

Alt+Left Click worked fine for me and I didn´t see you having any peace treaties in the diploscreen.

 

[Eclipse4449]

Hey, We are just aiding Our Southern allies doc.

OOOOh

Alt+Left Click worked fine for me and I didn´t see you having any peace treaties in the diploscreen.

Ok I'll try that thanks

Edit; All that did was center the map on that square

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Edit; All that did was center the map on that square

Alt+Left-Click on Nighthawk´s name obviously. -.-

 

[Eclipse4449]

GPS to Imp. Knoedel

That was it, silly me, I didn't know how to start a War over a Border Dispute,

 

[Nighthawk419]

Wait, are you serious? You have obviously no idea whatsoever of military strategy. Even if you did for some obscure reason distrust Our intentions, you could have left them in Jerusalem, or at least sent some of your troops to the guy that, y´know, just declared war on you.

If Our troops weren´t already in Siberia, We´d definitely invade you now after you have revealed your utter incompetency in military regards. Luckily for you Our advisors still say that you are too valuable an ally to alienate further, so you better hope that Our military brilliance is enough to save your Southern behinds.

Norm the robot:

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."

Norm's new mechanical assistant, Jeeves, comes up and kicks him.

Norm: "Ha... His Excellency doesn't seem to realize that we also have a large defense force in Delhi to defend our eastern borders from any attack from that front. Unlike you cretins, we are able to handle a war on two fronts should the need for it strike us. The Lady is prepared for all contingencies. Including an invasion from both Europe and Asia as we all do this three-way dance in the Old World. You keep working on building levee while we build additional mechach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach-ach..."

*kick*

"-ach-anical infantry! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."

*video feed cuts out*