Only good ones, please

[Aphex_Twin]

One American visiting London has to take a piss. He can't find any public toilet, but he finds a backroom street somewhere. The next moment a policeman is standing next to him, tapping his shoulder with a stick.
"Oh... I'm sorry officer, but I'll burst if I don't find a restroom quickly"
"Are you an American, sir?"
"Yes"
"No problem then. Follow me, please"
He takes him to a beautiful garden with neatly-arranged flowers and trees.
"Chose a tree you fancy sir, and... take your time"
"Thank you, what a wonderful place. Do you call this British hospitality?"
"No. We call this the Embassy of France!"

Take care

 

[happy_Alex]

A man is taking a wizz in a public toilet. He glances over his shoulder at the man next to him and says in amazement, "That's incredible! you have the same tattoo on your penis as me... WY! When I get a stiffy it spells my wifes name, Wendy. What's yours say?" The man replies "Welcome to Barbados, have a nice day!"

 

[DiamanteLouco]

Bush dies and goes to heaven, he wants to enter and St. Peter stops him saying "Who are you?"
"I´m George Bush, I was a president of the United States!"
"Oh, so, you can prove that? Do you have any ID?"
"No, I died and I left it all on earth"
"Well, you have to prove that you are really George Bush, for example, Fred Mercury came here and sang a beautiful song, Eisenhower made a really good speech..."
"But I don´t know how to do anything!"
"Ok, that´s enough, you can enter"

 

[Rambuchan]

A Brazilian man walks into a shop and asks for a packet of cigarettes. In Brazil they have cartoons depicting the health hazards associated with smoking. He looks at the cartoon and sees a man in bed with his wife, both looking very unhappy and disappointed. The caption reads: "Smoking can reduce your sex drive and also make you impotent and infertile". The man looks at the shopkeeper and then the packets behind and says: "Actually, I'll take one that gives me lung cancer instead".

 

[Ramius75]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The redheadsaid, "We should go to Mars."

The brunette said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"

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A guy was smoking a cigarette.

Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?"

The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains20 cigarettes.

He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes".

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Q: Why did God create women?

A: Because God took one look at men and said, ''I know I can do better than this.''

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There are three stages to sex in a person's life:
Tri Weekly,
Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.


What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Life sucks,
job sucks,
and the wife doesn't!

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So-called friendship among women :

A woman did not come home at night.
The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them says they know about it.


Real brotherhood among men :

A man did not come home at night.
The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say that he did sleep over at their place and 2 claim that he's still there.

 

[Rambuchan]

A man stands up in a pub and says: "Hey anyone wanna hear some good Irish jokes?"

A hulking great man stands up and says "Oi! Waatch what yer sayin' man, I'm Irish ya know!"

"Don't worry I'll tell them slowly" comes the reply.

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An elderly couple are celebrating their 60th (!!!) wedding anniversary and they decide to have a romantic candlelit meal. But because it is such a significant anniversary, they decide to jazz it up a bit and dine naked.

They sit down at the table and look lovingly into each others eyes before tucking into the meal before them.

The old lady looks at her husband, leans forward and says: "Oh my darling, I have been so happy with you all my life. But tonight I can literally feel my heart burning with love for you."

The old man looks at her and says: "I know, that's cos your tits are drooping in the soup you daft cow!"

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A Greek saying:

The Perfect Woman is a Lady in public, a Woman in the home and a B&tch in bed.

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Q: Why did God invent thrush?

A: So women could learn to live with an irritable bleep before they married one!

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[The Person]

A man is on a public toilet. The man in the next cubicle says "Hello".
"Hello," the first man replies.
"How are you?" the man in the other cubicle says.
"Just fine," the first man says, a little taken aback.
"Where are you now?" the man in the other cubicle says.
"I'm in the cubicle right next to you," the first man says.
Then the man in the other cubicle says: "I'll call you back later, Jeff. There's some jerk here answering my questions to you."

 

[Own]

So a genie goes to a rabbit and a bear and grants them each three wishes.

Bear: Hmm... I wish I was big and strong and handsome so all the women bears would be attracted to me.

And the genie made him big, strong and handsome.

Rabbit: I wish for a motorcycle helmet.

And the genie gave him a motorcycle helmet.

Bear: That's the stupidest wish ever! You could have wished for money and bought one! I wish all the women bears were in love with me.

And the genie made all the women bears in love with bear.

Rabbit: I wish for a motorcycle.

And the genie made him a motorcycle.

Bear: stupid, stupid, stupid. I wish there were no more men bears, only women bears, so every women bear would marry me.

And the genie killed all the men bears.

Rabbit: I wish the bear was gay FRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOM :motorcycledriving:

Edit: Btw, shouldn't this be in H&J?

Edit2: Oh, it is

 

[LLXerxes]

Q: Why did God create women?

A: Because God took one look at men and said, ''I know I can do better than this.''

That was cold, really cold.
This one's a little... risque...

One day, at church, the reverend had a problem, he's missing one of his roosters. So he asks the people at church about it.
First, the reverend says "Who here has a cock." All the men raise they're hands
Then, the reverend says "Ok... who has seen a cock." All the women raise they're hands
The reverend, who's patience was getting thin, then asked again. "No no, who here has seen my cock.
Then all the kids raise they're hands.

 

[Ramius75]

A man was having an affair with a woman when suddenly her husband came back home. Hurrying, he hid in the closet only to find that the woman's son is in there.

"Dark in here." said the Little Johnny
"It sure is" said the man
"hey, you want to buy my baseball?" asked the boy
"How much?"
"$100"
"Thats daylight robbery !!"
"My dad is out there"
"Ok, i buy it" Said the man reluctantly.

One week later, the same thing happened and the man quickly hide in the closet only to find the boy in there again...

"Dark in here." said the boy
"Yup"
"want to buy my baseball bat?"
"how much?"
"$200"
"Thats robbery !!"
"My dad is out there"
"Ok, i buy it" Said the man reluctantly.

One fine day, Little Johnny's father asked him to play baseball with him. But johnny told him that he sold the ball and the bat for $300 dollars to his friend.

"what ?! That too much" said the father "How can you overcharged your friend like this. I think i better bring you to the church to ask for forgiveness"

So, Little johhny went to the confession booth and wait for the priest.

"Dark in here." remarked the boy
"Dont you start the $*&# again !!" said the priest.

 

[sethos]

Tower:
You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot:
Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
----------------------------------
Pilot:
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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Tower:
"Say fuelstate."
Pilot:
"Fuelstate."
Tower:
"Say again."
Pilot:
"Again."
Tower:
"Argh, give me your fuel!"
Pilot:
"Sorry, need it by myself..."

 

[sethos]

Two friends meet. "Made a strange experience yesterday. My wife went to the supermarket fo fetch some potatoes. When she came home she collapsed - dead!"
"So what did you do?"
"Noodles".

 

[sethos]

With Sloganizer! http://www.sloganizer.net/en/

Example:

 

[sethos]

He: "Would you by some shoes if you hadn't legs?"
She: "No".
He: "So why do you buy a bra?"

 

[sethos]

Now birth control pills for men are available.
It will be taken "afterwards" and changes the blood group.

 

[sethos]

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the bus driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, ' The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your honour, when she moved a fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident...' well, I just lost it.
'CASE DISMISSED'

 

[sethos]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The bus driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[sethos]

Some day the pope's telephone rings:"Hello, GOD speaking. I have a good and a bad message for you."
Pope:"Fist the good message."
GOD:"I decided to unify all churches of the world."
Pope:"That's great! That's what we worked for centuries! And what's the bad message?"
GOD:"I'm calling from Salt Lake City ..."

 

[sethos]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

' How many is a Brazillion ??!'

 

[Takhisis]

I don´t know if this is good or bad, but i´ll put it anyway...
A man dies, and he goes up to heaven.
He meets St. Peter in a room with thousands of big clocks and asks kim
"-What are all those clocks doing here?
-Well, they are from politicians´ and rulers´ lives. Each time a politician makes a mistake, the hands move forward and one second is taken off his lifespan. Whena clock reaches 24 hours, the politician dies."
The man walks watching the labels, then he comes back to St. Peter and asks him:
"-Why is Bush´s clock not here?
-Aaaaah, that one... it´s in my office, you see, I needed a fan."