Pearly Gates Jokes

[Esca]

The Pope and a Politician both died and went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived, he was put into an ordinary, small house.
The politician was allocated a massive mansion, with a pool and servents.
The Pope complained and was told:-

"We have dozens of Popes up here but he is the first Politician."

 

[Cunobelin Of Hippo]

Three men were killed in a plane crash. An American, a Scotsman, and a Canadian. When they got up to the gates, they started whining that their lives had been taken too early. The gatekeeper agreed, but they had to pay forty bucks to go back down to earth.

When the American got down there, people asked him where the other two were. "Well, I just payed the 40. The scottish guy's haggling and the Canadian is waiting for the government to pay it for him."

Okay, sort of an inside joke for we of the great white north.

 

[Lefty Scaevola]

Pope John Pual and Bill Clinton diead at the same time. Due to comsological static there was a mix up at soul routing: At first John Paul and Slick Willie went up. It was corrected in about 10 minutes and there went sent to the correct destination. As John Paul and Bill pass each other, Bill said "Hey John Paul, where are you going?"
JP said "I am on my way to heaven to meet the Virgin Mary"
Bill Said, "I hate to tell you this John Pual, but you are about 4 minutes too late."

 

[Aristonico]

A terrorist attack blows up the Spanish Parliament. As the members line up at the Gates, Saint Peter takes a list:
-Political Party?
-Right wing
-Ok, on
-And you?
-Center-left...
-Uhmmmm, okey. And you
-Trade Unions
-No, no. Your place is down. You?
-Me? Comunist Party.
-Oh, oh... Down, down
So, after Saint Peter have send a batch of "leftists", he hears a voice from the Hell:
-Saint Peter, Saint Peter, don't send me more of those that I already have three boilers on strike!!!!!

 

[Juize]

(quote)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were killed in a plane crash. An American, a Scotsman, and a Canadian. When they got up to the gates, they started whining that their lives had been taken too early. The gatekeeper agreed, but they had to pay forty bucks to go back down to earth.
When the American got down there, people asked him where the other two were. "Well, I just payed the 40. The scottish guy's haggling and the Canadian is waiting for the government to pay it for him."

Okay, sort of an inside joke for we of the great white north.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

U call this inside? I've heard almost exactly the same with Finnish, Swedish, and
Norwegeian persons.

------------------
<IMG SRC="http://www.virtuallandmedia.com/img2/flags-4/europe/FIN.GIF" border=0> I have stolen this idea from Az.I'm a pathetic little wimp. <IMG SRC="http://www.virtuallandmedia.com/img2/flags-4/europe/SWE.GIF" border=0>

 

[xeven_god_of_helsibahr]

<u>The New Priest</u>

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

15) Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples, as J.C. and the boys.

------------------
<IMG SRC="http://civfanatics.com/others/Xeven.gif" border=0>
"I believe Plato summed it up with two very good words: **** You" ~Joshua M. Swaner

[This message has been edited by xeven_god_of_helsibahr (edited August 30, 2001).]

 

[Esca]

There was this Nun and two probationer Nuns , killed in a car crash.
When they got to Saint Peter,he said. "I will have to ask you one question each before I admit you."

He turned to the first probationer.
"I will ask you an easy question. Where were the first two Humans created?"

"That's easy. The Garden of Eden,"
"Correct. You're in."
He asked the second probationer.
"What were the names of the first two Humans?"
"That's easy. Adam and Eve."
"Correct. You're in."

He turned to the Nun.
"Your question is more difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

"Wow. That's a hard one."

"Correct. You're in."

 

[scorch]

A busload of nuns going to a Nun Convention crashes and all the nuns die.
They go up to the pearly gates and are about to march into heaven when St Peter (or whoever the **** he was) say 'hold on, just because you are Nuns, it does not mean you get instant access to heaven, you must first be cleansed. If any of you have ever touched a mans genitals, then wash the area you touched him with in this holy water'
So a bunch of nuns just walk past the holywater and go straight in.
A few more goto the holywater and wash their hands, another nun lifts up her habit and washes 'up there'

, just then, another nun says, 'go easy aye, i wanna gargle that **** before Sister jane sticks her arse in it'


Hahahahah! damn i should be a comedian.

------------------
<center><IMG SRC="http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/pimp.gif" border=0>ALL YOUR HASH ARE BELONG TO ME <IMG SRC="http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/pimp.gif" border=0></center>

 

[xeven_god_of_helsibahr]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm ****ed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out, "No, you are not ****ed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash seven kinds of **** out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again, "Okay. .... NOW you're ****ed."

 

[xeven_god_of_helsibahr]

<u>Celebate</u>

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. Tha angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

 

[duke o' york]

Why, in the US do you spell celibate as celebate? Otherwise the joke, erm, isn't that good.

------------------
in vino veritas

 

[xeven_god_of_helsibahr]

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."