Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[GenMarshall]

I continually bash the troops with my sword and shield to further weaken the division.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

At least I regained my sanity.

7 (6): That's exactly the sort of thing a madman would say! -1 SAN.

You are ordered to take the Space Oddity and back up Christos in South Africa.

Using my epic sniper skills, I shoot Christos' wrist which causes an involantary muscle twitch, causing him to throw the Horse Talisman up into the air, which I then catch and use for myself. I dub this move the NinjaCow64 Technique.

15 (13): And it would've been awesome... Too bad he's wearing it as a pendant. But hey, at least you dealt 15 damage.

I procure a burger to eat

12: You invest in the local catering industry, spending $5 on a hamburger that restores 15 hitpoints.

The Mad King is charging his Executive Power: Human Wave!
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (9): You're able to jam the signal before he can summon reinforcements.

The Namibian regulars rejoin the offensive.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (20): A sweeping counteroffensive gains zone of control over the area. Barring further executive orders, the fight against King George should be free of further monarchist intrusions.

The Hyena goes for George's other arm.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (20): Repeating the process, it inflicts 17 damage and steals George's sabre! The Mad King loses 2 defence from such a grievous injury.

The Enchanter tries an AoE-healing spell again.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20: All allies regain 50 hitpoints and are cured of negative effects.

The Master hacks into the Monarchist slush fund again.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (16): He siphons off another $250K.

The HyenaGeneral double-taps the tyrant.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (16): The bullets deal 18 damage.

The Bluecapes are still mustering strength.

The Rhinoceros stamps exposed body parts.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (20): A foot through the car chassis gives George a front-row seat to a Tchaikovsky ballet, dealing a humiliating 27 damage and marring his Intimidation score -3.

Big Bill Hell subjects the Mad King to CHALLENGE PISSING!
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (14): Failing utterly, George is humiliated out of a $6000 down payment.

I begin grappling with my evil self.

That's right, Thorvald...time to use the grappling rules.

17 (19): As much as you tempt the GM to do this officially, in the interest of keeping this game moving at something resembling a proper pace he streamlines the process. You easily gain advantage over your doppelgänger, lowering his defence -3 for as long as you maintain the grapple.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (2): Your clone fails utterly to break your hold, losing 16 hitpoints in the attempt.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (1): Christos tries to lob a grenade, but it bounces off you and straight back at him, detonating for 19 damage!

I continually bash the troops with my sword and shield to further weaken the division.

13 (13): You're able to keep pace as the unit tries to regroup, inflicting 9 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (6): While you're fannying about with the foot troops, the APCs get a lock, delivering 13 damage.

The Eternal Kingdom pushes further into North Korea.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (20): Monarchist hordes seize most of the country, including three nukes that will be prepped in 4 turns! The American cell tries to strengthen its Caribbean grip with an invasion of Haiti.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (13): Hard to believe the country's plight could get any worse... but then the Monarchy happened.
Haiti has been defeated by the EKNC!
The South African cell retries for Malawi.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (17): A two-pronged assault overruns the defenders. Mozambican and Zambian Defence falls 2 points each while the encircled Niassa Province loses an additional 3.
Malawi has been defeated by the EKNC!
The Somali bandits try to finish off Kenya.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (18): The last stronghold falls. Neighbouring Uganda loses 2 Defence from spillover clashes.
Kenya has been defeated by the EKNC!

Omega124 has charged the Spirit Bomb! It will grant a +10 attack bonus when used.

​

 

[NinjaCow64]

Ah, but was not the true purpose of the NinjaCow64 Technique! The true purpose was causing his hand to spasm in such a motion that it causes him to sign the phrase "your mother was a donkey so that makes you a mule" in Horse sign language to the spirit within the Talisman. This is one of the gravest insults known to Horsekind, so this should cause him to lose favour with the horse spirit that inhabits the Talisman.

 

[Omega124]

 

[GenMarshall]

I climb the APC and open the turret's hatch and kill off the turret operator.

 

[JohannaK]

I board the Space Odyssey and fly it into space

 

[CivCube]

As I keep Cube pinned, I reprogram him to my side.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Ah, but was not the true purpose of the NinjaCow64 Technique! The true purpose was causing his hand to spasm in such a motion that it causes him to sign the phrase "your mother was a donkey so that makes you a mule" in Horse sign language to the spirit within the Talisman. This is one of the gravest insults known to Horsekind, so this should cause him to lose favour with the horse spirit that inhabits the Talisman.

14 (10): Nice alternative facts there, Spicer.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (20): The sound of chopper blades catches Christos's attention and, going for the weakest link first, he fills you with lead for 16 damage and -3 hitpoints/turn from open wounds.

3 (18): Condensing the combined outrage of the world into one devastating ball of entropy, you attack the Mad King's life points directly, halving his health! The pinning car is obliterated in the process. King George activates his Executive Power: Royal Indulgence!
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): Calling up INTERPOL, you intercept the wire before it goes through, transferring a total sum of $200 000 to your private account. George calls in his Executive Power: Mutually Assured Destruction!
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (10): With his army driven off, he has no way to relay the order to missile command. George implements his Executive Power: Terrorist Uprising!
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (13): Using his shadowy connections, he spawns a group of insurgents in the heart of the battlefield to assist him in the fight! George aggresses the Enchanter.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (12): He headbutts the mage for 12 damage. The Mad King tries to reclaim his sabre from the Hyena.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (8): He's handily beaten back.

The Namibian army engages the 88th Insurgent Division.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (4): Caught flat-footed, it's forced into retreat, granting the terrorists a +2 attack bonus from battlefield initiative.

The Hyena goes for the Mad King's neck.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (14): It chews out another 16 hitpoints.

The Enchanter casts a freezing spell to immobilize the terrorist unit.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2: He accidentally encases himself in ice and cannot act until someone breaks him out!

The Master tries to turn the terrorists to his side.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (4): The offer is rebuffed with -14 hitpoints' worth of bullets.

The HyenaGeneral attacks the 88th.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): Getting into the thick of it, it savages the bandits for 19 damage and steals a better gun.

The Bluecapes need more time.

The Rhinoceros charges the 88th Division.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (18): Like a scimitar through hot butter it carves up the unit, inflicting 16 damage and penalizing its defence -1.

Big Bill Hell delivers a fleet of lemons to the insurgents.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13: Mechanical breakdown and poor fuel efficiency reduces the 88th's mobility -1.

The 88th Division rushes B Omega124!
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (11): A hail of gunfire deals 5 damage.

I climb the APC and open the turret's hatch and kill off the turret operator.

3 (7): It's locked.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (4): While you're distracted with the carrier, the division regroups. You're shot at for 17 damage.

I board the Space Odyssey and fly it into space

16 (15): You enter low orbit post-haste, granting a +2 bonus to your next attack in the next three turns.

As I keep Cube pinned, I reprogram him to my side.

14 (14): You begin preliminary recalibrations, purifying him 10%.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (1): As he struggles against your hold his initiative slips further, undermining his defence -3.

The Eternal Kingdom rolls deeper into Siberia.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (11): Altai Krai falls to the horde. The South African cell hits Mozambique again.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): The southern provinces fall, weakening the Niassa holdout -3 Defence. The annexation of Mexico continues.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (11): Morelos falls under Monarchist oppression. The Somali terrorists go for Somaliland again.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): The last remnants of sovereign government are wiped out.
Somalia has been defeated by the EKNC!

​

 

[CivCube]

Purification in progress.

I keep him pinned.

 

[Omega124]

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you"

Stabs King repedately until he dies

 

[JohannaK]

I awake from the solemn stupor of the frightened mind that gripped every thread that knots into the very core of the being that once I might have used to be.

 

[NinjaCow64]

14 (10): Nice alternative facts there, Spicer.
ROLL TO DODGE!

I'm going to need a 20 to get that bloody Talisman, aren't I?

I pray to Saber to give me a ridiculous stat boost next time I try and take the Talisman off him.

 

[GenMarshall]

Enraged, I immediately attack and decimate the rest of the division.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Purification in progress.
I keep him pinned.

12 (20): You completely immobilize him.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (11): He nonetheless manages to steal another 6 from you.

Stabs King repedately until he dies

6 (10): In your fury, you somehow manage to miss every strike.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (3): You are, however, ruthlessly effective in repelling his counterattack, inflicting 17 damage. George activates his Executive Power: Plunder the Realm!
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (15): The EKNC genocides Bhutan, and with its looted resources the Mad King is able to heal up! (+50 hitpoints, Concussion, Wounded and Bleeding statuses removed.) George follows up with his Executive Power: Propaganda Blitz!
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (1): The PR offensive backfires spectacularly, steeling international resolve and penalizing all EKNC attacks -5 for the next ten turns! George tries to recover his sabre from the Hyena.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (4): He's brutalized for 17 damage. He tries to recover his gun.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (5): Oblivious to the obvious baiting, he's lured into a trap that provides all opponents a +2 attack bonus this turn!

The Namibian expedition launches a concerted assault.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (20): The offensive is a smashing success, dealing 29 damage.

The Hyena's next move is to sever George's arms completely.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (13): It deals 5 damage and open wounds worth -1 hitpoint/turn.

The Enchanter remains stone-cold.

The Master instigates a nefarious scheme to compromise the Eternal Kingdom's nuclear stockpile!
ROLL TO DODGE!
3: He accidentally triggers a launch on his position, ETA 1 turn!

The HyenaGeneral tries out its new toy on King George.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): Well-placed shots deal 22 damage and worsen the bleeding -3 hitpoints/turn.

The Bluecapes have not yet begun to fight!

The Rhinoceros returns for an encore.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (8): It's crowded out by all the other combatants.

Big Bill Hell ends the event the MINUTE after the EKNC writes him a cheque.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: George loses another $15 000 to the fine print.

The 88th Division tries to intercept the Namibian regulars.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (14): It locks them into a skirmish, drawing their attention away from the main duel.

I awake from the solemn stupor of the frightened mind that gripped every thread that knots into the very core of the being that once I might have used to be.

12 (8): Ugh, it's just as dispiriting as the nightmare.

I'm going to need a 20 to get that bloody Talisman, aren't I?

I pray to Saber to give me a ridiculous stat boost next time I try and take the Talisman off him.

(It's almost as if this was a boss fight..! )

4: Whoever's operating the switchboard must be drunk, because you're patched through to Tzeentch, who "blesses" you with a 25% random chance of losing 3 points on every action.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (15): Christos blasts you for 10 damage.

Enraged, I immediately attack and decimate the rest of the division.

16 (13): You finish off the last of the exposed infantry for 9 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (5): Light autocannons pummel you for 14 damage.

The Eternal Kingdom continues the conquest of Afghanistan.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (9): It fails to make any headway. The South African terrorists hit the Mozambican holdout with everything they've got.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (3): The assault is a disaster and Niassa fortifies 2 points. The American cell continues to plunder Inuit communities.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (13): The mainland Northwest Territories fall to the hordes. The Somali bandits rush Djibouti.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (5): The attack fails, and the country musters 1 Defence.

​

 

[JohannaK]

I never had nightmares though. It must have been just a weird dream. Which means I must have awaken.

 

[Omega124]

I worked really hard on preparing that speech, King George. If you would just die, that would be apprrciated.

 

[NinjaCow64]

I ground myself by opening my Saber folder, allowing me to connect with her and allow her blessed healing to heal my hit points.

 

[CivCube]

I purify the Cube-atar even further!

 

[GenMarshall]

I kill off the autocannon gunner and hijack the vehicle for myself!

(/in4 I force choke the entire regiment)

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I never had nightmares though. It must have been just a weird dream. Which means I must have awaken.

14 (10): What dream? This is real.
The EKNC is growing impatient with your dithering. Get back on task or you will lose health.

I worked really hard on preparing that speech, King George. If you would just die, that would be apprrciated.

18 (17): You magically miraculously spirit the process along to the tune of -16 hitpoints.

King George activates his Executive Power: Bathe in Opulence!
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (17): Cashing in $2000, the Mad King restores 150 hitpoints and cures all injuries! Reinvigorated, he hits the Hyena again!
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1) He's viciously savaged for 17 damage and ongoing -3 hitpoints. George retries for his dropped pistol.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9: He can't find it. Furious, he charges the Master head-on.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (14): He pummels the Time Lord for 17 damage. He then turns on Omega.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (2): Treated to the pointy end of the stick, he suffers 17 damage.

The Namibian regulars engage the 88th.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (8): The fight evens out into stalemate.

The Hyena gives George more of the same.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (4): It's beaten back for 15 damage.

The Enchanter is still on the rocks.

The Master tries to thwart the incoming missile.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16: Hacking into the controls, he triggers a premature detonation above Illinois, destroying the state but impeding EKNC aggression against the United States by 1.

The HyenaGeneral targets George's chest for maximum damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (16): The shot inflicts 17 damage and worsens the bleeding -2 hitpoints.

The Bluecapes move to support the Namibians.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (15): They deal 19 damage to the insurgents.

The Rhinoceros continues to charge the division.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (20): Another round of blob-gardening deals 28 damage.

Big Bill Hell chucks another junker at the Mad King.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (12): It clips him for 10 damage.

The 88th retaliates against the Bluecapes.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (20): The unit is routed once more, and will take 6 turns to recover.

I ground myself by opening my Saber folder, allowing me to connect with her and allow her blessed healing to heal my hit points.

*TZEENTCH'ED*
19 (16): You're patched up 45 hitpoints.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (20): Christos takes a precise shot that cripples your left arm, dealing 17 damage and reducing your basic defence -1.

I purify the Cube-atar even further!

13 (13): You knock another 6% off his evil-O-meter.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1: Agent CivCube's attempt to reactivate his weapons systems backfires. All 14 translates into purification!

I kill off the autocannon gunner and hijack the vehicle for myself!

13 (8): You're too slow to catch the vehicle in motion.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (6): You're raked by machine gun fire for 12 damage.

The Eternal Kingdom consolidates its hold in India.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): Overstretched by the Andhra salient, it's devastated and routed. India fortifies 3 Defence and will be immune to invasion for 5 turns! The South African cell hits Zimbabwe again.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (13): Mashonaland Central is overrun. The American cell launches a surprise invasion of the Russian Far East!
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): The invasion fleet is torn apart before it even reaches the coast. Russia fortifies 3 points, and all American attacks are penalized -2 for the next six turns! The Somali terrorists move to finish off Yemen.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (12): Another country falls to the Monarchist terror.
Yemen has been defeated by the EKNC!

​