Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[Omega124]

19 (17): Cashing in $2000, the Mad King restores 150 hitpoints and cures all injuries! Reinvigorated, he hits the Hyena again!

Yo, I thought you wanted this game to end?

I appeal thor to reverse this action so we can move on to R2R

 

[CivCube]

I purify him a little more and bash his head on the cyber concrete.

 

[NinjaCow64]

Now that I am truly connected to my Goddess, I ask her to purify me of corruption by other lesser Gods.

 

[GenMarshall]

I heal myself to full health using the medpacks from the fallen soldiers.

(In4/ I force choke the 20 sided die for giving me bad rolls)

 

[JohannaK]

I hover leisurely in the direction of South Africa.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Yo, I thought you wanted this game to end?

I appeal thor to reverse this action so we can move on to R2R

(What, you would have the GM forgo his professional impartiality in favour of personal ambition? Who do you think I am, Taniciusfox? )

12 (16): Even though he could've used the extra time to redo the Namibian infantry set in a different camo scheme, he obliges your request. George loses 75 hitpoints and 1 defence.

Enraged, George engages his ultimate fail-safe: Atomic Genocide!
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (5): Transmitting the order over open airwaves allows ABM to scramble in time. Five missiles are shot down. George tries again to recover his pistol.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10: Just as he's about to grab it, he accidentally kicks it away. Changing tack, he summons his Battle Armour instead.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14: Shelling out $200 000, he materializes a Darth Vader suit that grants him a +2 combat bonus! He tries it out on Omega124.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (13): He delivers a Patriarchal slap worth 10 damage. He then summons a lightsaber to complete the ensemble.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10: lol yeah right as if those actually exist :^)

The Namibian expedition tries to regain the initiative.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (5): Continuing to lose ground, it ends up granting the 88th Division a +2 attack bonus this turn!

The Hyena goes for a flanking attack against Darth Misogyny.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (13): It tears out 9 hitpoints.

The Enchanter is cool as a white rapper, and just as effective.

The Master lures the 88th into a diabolical trap.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (13): A literal pitfall inflicts 11 damage.

The HyenaGeneral lays down suppressing fire on the Mad King.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (3): His sci-fi armour deflects the shots back, dealing 15 damage!

The Bluecapes need more R&R.

The Rhinoceros gives George a lesson in the power of Newtonian Force.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (9): He steps out of the way at the last second.

Big Bill Hell weasels out of the warranty.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3: George retaliates by flinging the lemon back at him, inflicting 17 damage.

The 88th aggresses Omega124!
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (12): Wild and mostly inaccurate gunfire deals 7 damage.

I purify him a little more and bash his head on the cyber concrete.

*roll* You intimately acquaint him with the flooring. *roll*
9 (18): You give him a horrendous beating worth 18 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (1): His attempt to diffuse your weapons to him instead downloads more purifying code. 20%'s worth, to be precise.

Now that I am truly connected to my Goddess, I ask her to purify me of corruption by other lesser Gods.

7: You're put on hold as mechaerik spams her with (other people's) gift art.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (5): Christos tries to leap for the helicopter but miscalculates the jump, crashing back down for 17 damage and -1 defence.

I heal myself to full health using the medpacks from the fallen soldiers.

20: Like freaking Pac-Man, you literally devour what meagre first-aid kits the troops had, overcharging your health 100 hitpoints!
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (4): The health overed quickly, though, as more gunfire knocks out 16 hitpoints.

I hover leisurely in the direction of South Africa.

18 (7): Just as you're about to spin some BS about the propulsion breaking down, you're reassigned to evacuate King George from the battle.

The EKNC launches a surprise invasion of Burma!
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (9): The attack fails. The South African terrorists go for Tanzania.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (17): A sweeping offensive pushes the defending army into the northwest. The American insurgents continue the push on Mexico.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (5): The Mexicans finally force a draw, buying time to fortify 1 point. The Somali cell invades Saudi Arabia.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (1): Whatever isn't obliterated in the counterstrike succumbs to the desert. The Somali cell will be unable to attack for the next 8 turns as it struggles to regroup.

The Eternal Kingdom has readied THREE nukes!!1

​

 

[CivCube]

I barf purifying code all over his face.

 

[Omega124]

I CAST ULTIMATE END

 

[NinjaCow64]

Robot Voice: "We appreciate your prayer to Saber. Unfortunately, all lines are busy at this moment. We estimate that a line will open up in one turn."

 

[JohannaK]

Nobody tells me what to do with my ship!

 

[GenMarshall]

I slice the APC in half with the heavenly sword, then follow through by killing the entire crew.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I barf purifying code all over his face.

14 (14): EvilCube is cleansed another 15%.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (1): Your doppelgänger is simply too exhausted to continue the fight, and will be unable to act for the next 5 turns!

I CAST ULTIMATE END

20:

...

...

LET'S DANCE.

SOCIALISM!
MATRIARCHY!
MAGYCK!
LUCINA!
WIBBLY-WOBBLY-TIMEY-WIMEY!
HYAENIDAE!
COSPLAY!
CRAPPY CARS!
HEART (OF AFRICA)!

"By your powers combined, I AM CHARLES BARKLEY!"

Summoning the arcane power of the Chaos Dunk, you boost the initiative of all your allies to strike the Mad King with a +10 attack bonus!

ROLL! TO! SLAAAAAAAAAM!

6 (13): The Namibian regulars punch through the 88th to strike the Mad King directly, dealing 17 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (19): The Hyena tears his freaking arm off, inflicting 13 damage, a 5-hitpoint bleed-out, and weakening his defence -3!
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (18): The awesome power of B-ball frees the Enchanter, who blasts the Mad King with a stun spell, further weakening his combat rolls -3!
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (20): The Master infects George with a deadly retrovirus that deals 5 damage and eats away at 8 hitpoints per turn!
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (20): The HyenaGeneral blasts George for 22 damage.
OVERKILL!
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (19): The Heart of the Jam enables the Bluecapes to bypass their attack penalty, hitting the Mad King for 16 damage!
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (17): The Rhinoceros gores George for 19 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (20): Big Bill Hell drops another junker on George, crushing his Darth Vader suit for 19 damage!

Omega124 strides up to the battered and bloody King of China, almost unrecognizable through all the gaping holes in his body. "Hahaha—" he breaks down in blood-spattered hacking. "Yuo may have defeated me, but my NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON will destroy teh worl!!1"

"All you ever wanted was to rule the world," Omega sighs, drawing her badass sword. "Now you can rule... in Hell!"
16 (20): You impale King George for 23 damage.

Omega124 has defeated George I of China! She claims his weapons as spoils of war, but Christos Xinjiang has embezzled the royal treasury! Remaining EKNC forces suffer -5 Morale, and state-level Attacks incur a permanent -5 penalty. With command in disarray, JohannaK's rebellion penalty is halved.

The 88th Division is too demoralized to continue the fight, and retreats back into Monarchist America!

Robot Voice: "We appreciate your prayer to Saber. Unfortunately, all lines are busy at this moment. We estimate that a line will open up in one turn."

12: In the mean time, maybe you should focus on Christos..?
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (11): He shoots you for 2 damage lawl.

Nobody tells me what to do with my ship!

6 (1): But what's yours is the Kingdom's, and if you're not part of the Kingdom then you must be genocided! -5 hitpoints per turn until you get back on track.
You are ordered to support Christos Xinjiang in his duel.

I slice the APC in half with the heavenly sword, then follow through by killing the entire crew.

1 (1): While you chase after one, you're run down by another for 16 damage and a bone-crushing -3 defence.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (10): You're shot up some more for 6 damage.

The Eternal Kingdom launches a nuke at Pennsylvania!
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (20): ABM intercepts it in time, raining debris down on the fleeing 88th for 24 damage! The South African bandits launch a fresh assault on Zambia.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (8): They are unable to make any headway.
The American cell loads an ICBM onto the USS Mike Pence!
The Somali terrorists angle to finish off Eritrea.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (6): The assault is a failure and the defenders fortify 1 point.

 

[JohannaK]

This is clearly a toxic relationship I want no part in.

 

[NinjaCow64]

I finally get through to Saber, allowing her to purify me from the corruption of that lesser God.

 

[CivCube]

I keep holding the guy and fly toward the purifying light of reality.

 

[GenMarshall]

Getting furious, I tap into the power of he dark side of the force to defeat my enemies!

 

[Omega124]

I twiddle my thumbs as I wait for christos to die

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

This is clearly a toxic relationship I want no part in.

1 (1): "SHUT'CHER MOUF U INJUN WHORE!" The penalty rises to -8 hitpoints/turn.

I finally get through to Saber, allowing her to purify me from the corruption of that lesser God.

3: You forgot to confirm you were still holding and were bumped down the line. You won't be able to get through for at least another 3 turns!
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (8): Still smarting, Christos is unable to steady his aim.

I keep holding the guy and fly toward the purifying light of reality.

14 (15): You resurface from your self-exploration back into the present. Agent CivCube-Avatar is now dissociated from your psyche, reducing your Corruption 10%, and with it, 1 point of your combat penalty. Now exposed to the real world and not the over-optimistic simulations of Monarchist wargamers, he reconsiders his lot in life, cleansing another 10%!

Getting furious, I tap into the power of he dark side of the force to defeat my enemies!

20: Surrendering to your impulsive id, you gain a +4 general combat bonus and +2 Intimidation score, but lose 3 points in social rolls for siding with the forces of evil.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (4): But it's still not enough to protect you from live fire. 14 damage obtained!

I twiddle my thumbs as I wait for christos to die

1: The Eternal Kingdom lobs THREE nukes at Pennsylvania in rapid succession!!!
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (5): The drone is slow to intercept; you avoid the brunt of the blast, but radioactive fallout rains down on the area!
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (10): You are contaminated for -2 hitpoints over the next 6 turns.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (14): The Rhinoceros resists all damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: The Hyena hides in a lead-lined fridge.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4: The Master suffers 15 damage and ongoing -3 hitpoints for 8 turns.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20: The HyenaGeneral acquires benign mutations, boosting its maximum health to 200 hitpoints, a per-turn healing rate of 3 hitpoints, and +2 to its combat score!
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: The Enchanter deploys a shield spell.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3: Big Bill Hell takes 15 damage and -4 hitpoints/turn for 8 turns.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14: The Bluecapes have already retreated out of harm's way.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9: The Namibian expedition loses 1 morale from casualties.

Here comes the second missile!
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (11): You narrowly shoot it down.

Third's the charm..!
14 (18): Timely interception over Tennessee destroys the missile and the state, further obstructing Monarchist aggression against the United States -2.

The Eternal Kingdom begins the invasion of Japan.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (12): Amami Ōshima falls to the horde. The South African marauders renew the Tanzanian offensive.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (4): The assault ends in disaster, allowing the country to fortify 2 points. The American cell launches a surprise incursion against the Marshall Islands!
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (1): The invasion fleet is torn apart in transit, allowing Majuro and its neighbour states to fortify 2 points each. The Somali hoodlums spill over into Oman.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (10): By the time the troops arrive, they're too exhausted to conduct the campaign.

​

 

[GenMarshall]

I immediately force choke the APC gunner that's shooting me.

 

[JohannaK]

That effing hurt! Leave me alone!