Suleiman's Harem

[Flouzemaker]

1370 AD:

Looks like Isabella has declared war on Suryavarman.

And I still love the smell of rivals beating each other up in the morning.

Isabella hates absolutely everyone, dear Sultan. In the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't expect her to have much of a chance.

She'll lose the war?

Maybe not this one, but she's bound to lose at some point. Friendless civilizations never win... unless a human leads them, of course.

The VP rings...

Hello?

Suleiman, my favorite neighbor (that may or may not spy on me at night with a pair of binoculars)!

Queen Boubica!

What did you call me?

Queen Boudica?

That's not what I heard. But I'll let it slide if you give me Theology.

That's still a fairly expensive technology, Boubica. I...

But I'm so far behind in technology, it's not fair!

Do you know what jumping jacks are? I'll give you Theology if you do ten of them. Just ten!

Give me Theology, and maybe I just will!

Here it is!

Thank you!

Now jump!

I only said "maybe!" Goodbye!

Doh!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1390 AD:

Dang it! I've been had! I need to make up for it with some tech-whoring. Ah! I see just the irrelevant 80's band that can solve the problem!

Suleiman dials the VP

Hello?

Since you were such a good sportsman in your near total annihilation, I'll be mighty generous with you.

I'm all ears.

I'll give you Theology, Music and 65 gold for Guilds. I'll even open my borders to you!

Deal!

Groovy! Bye!


1410 AD:

Give France 220 gold.

That's rude!

That's not the point, and it's not what's at stake, here. First, at this point, you can easily afford to spend such a small amount of money on bettered relations.

Did you practice this speech in front of a mirror?

Second, you have to keep in mind that my military isn't just big. It's mighty, colossal and enormous!

I can't even see it on the power graph. I never can!

Exactly! And it's gigantic! So humongous, in fact, that I must wage war on somebody to get rid of the excess troops. With a gift of 220 gold, I promise it shall not be against you.

I'm still not convinced.

Finally, if you give into my demand, I'll tell you an amusing anecdote.

OK, sold. What's the anecdote.

I was making a tour in Egypt, you know, to pacify my lands a little bit. Heliopolis was holding a little exposition in 1367 that they called "Expo '67" for short. Since I was there, I just had to give a rousing speech, right? So I did. And I accidentally said "Vive l'Égypte Libre," you see. Like, "Long Live Free Egypt," right? I figured that if those silly little Egyptians were worried about losing their freedoms under French protection, such a declaration would ease their minds, right? You follow? But those morons completely misunderstood! Some separatist movement interpreted that as an encouragement towards independence! Ha! Ha! Those idiots have been holding referendums ever since! Ha! Ha! Like that's ever gonna happen!

And that's a funny anecdote?

Well, it is to me. Goodbye!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Hello?

Suleiman? The faithfully Jewish Spanish State requires your heathen help.

Of course it does.

Please declare war on Suryavarman, and rid the Earth of his heresy with me?

That's not very likely to happen, Isabella. Look, you have no friends. Like, none. Nobody likes you. Why would I even consider joining forces with the most hated figure in the world?

Because... ~sigh~ I can't believe I'm about to do this...

Desperate times require desperate measures, Isabella.

If... If you do, I'll let you stare at my pechos santos for as long as you want. ~painfully sobs~

An interesting proposal. If you let me stare now, I'll seriously considerer your request. For indeed, your renowned saintly bosom would greatly assist my thinking process.

OK. Fine.

Excellent!

~shudders~

That was awesome! Do it again!

No. Are you done, yet?

No.

Will you wage war on Suryavarman?

... Still thinking about it.

Are you presently slow minded on purpose?

 

[Flouzemaker]

Maybe...

What if... ugh, sweet Moses... what if I puff my chest a little...

Excellent initiative. You are doing wonders for your own cause.

[BLEEP]ing pervert!

And dang proud of it!

I better not hear any flapping noises!

I require an answer! I can't waste that much time with you, I have an Empire to defend!

Then the answer is a definite NO! Farewell, and thank you!


1420 AD:

We have discovered Gunpowder!

Can we start building an endless supply of Janissaries?

We can, and we totally will. If De Gaulle's army is as large as he implies, we'll need tons of them. Have Edirne churn out a [BLEEP]-load of them!

As you and I both wish!

Meanwhile, Nain Singh, the Great Engineer, has been born in Istanbul! Yay!

Ooh! Send him to Wonsan while we research Nationalism. He'll help erect the Taj Mahal there, so we can profit from both a Golden Age, and the culture it'll create!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1440 AD:

Suleiman! Help me destroy Isabella! I'm kicking her butt as it is, but together, we could destroy her completely!

Well, it is a tempting offer, friend Suryavarman, but I don't think I can do it, for moral reasons.

Moral reasons? What the heck are you talking about?

Well, she let me ogle her pechos santos for a really long time. I can't ignore the sacrifice she made for me, it'd be wrong.

She let you do it?

Yup!

That's exactly why we're at war! She caught me looking and... well... there's also the matter of her psychotic hatred of Buddhism.

Well, she let me look willingly.

Lucky [BLEEP]!

Thus, I can't wage war on her. Hope you understand.

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Thanks anyways.

Good luck, though!


1490 AD:

Charles De Gaulle and his vassal, Hatshepsut, have declared war!

[BLEEP]! I knew the [BLEEP] would betray me!

He declared war on Korea.

Oh, I don't give a crud, then.


1510 AD:

Isabella has made peace with the Khmer.

And St. Peter has been born in Edirne. What shall we have him do?

Have him assist us in researching Printing Press. I really want a tech lead! But since we've reached the 16th century, I think it's definitely time for a State of the World analysis!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1510 AD: STATE-O-DA-WURLD!

That's not bad. Though we could benefit from some growth.

I'd be mildly annoyed at Boudica for settling those two Northern Cities below us.

I'm not. First, They generate no culture whatsoever, and we're likely to obtain them anyways. And second, the only resource they share between both of them, is one silver mine. That really sucks.

Still, here Empire is growing uncomfortably large.

And it also explains why she's losing so much ground, science-wise. What I really want to know, is when I can expect to inherit Seoul and Pyongyang.

Our culture is kickin' Russia's booty, Suly-dear. Catherine's a SoD builder, not really a culture whore.

Which means we should always be sure that we're extremely well defended, just in case. We have a lot of Janissaries right now, but we should hope for a lot more.

Wow! Whoever ends up capturing Madrid, they're gonna get a really nice city! But stupidly enough, it's all for naught because she doesn't even stand a chance in hell of getting a Cultural Victory!

But you can easily imagine De Gaulle's aim is domination.

Meh. The defenses we build for a possible Russian betrayal could protect us from a French invasion. I've seen a French invasion before and, trust me, it's nothing to really worry about.

Yeah. OK. We need to train a hell of a lot more Janissaries!

What? My approval rate isn't 100%? What the hell is this?

To be continued... probably some time after supper...

 

[BrianJ]

I was making a tour in Egypt, you know, to pacify my lands a little bit. Heliopolis was holding a little exposition in 1367 that they called "Expo '67" for short. Since I was there, I just had to give a rousing speech, right? So I did. And I accidentally said "Vive l'Égypte Libre," you see. Like, "Long Live Free Egypt," right? I figured that if those silly little Egyptians were worried about losing their freedoms under French protection, such a declaration would ease their minds, right? You follow? But those morons completely misunderstood! Some separatist movement interpreted that as an encouragement towards independence! Ha! Ha! Those idiots have been holding referendums ever since! Ha! Ha! Like that's ever gonna happen!

Haha! This was golden!

 

[speedy55]

This is possible the best civ. story I have ever read.

Preach on.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1520 AD:

Huansang has been captured by the French. Wang Kon only has one very weak city left.

I'd go out to capture Pusan and put Wang Kon out of his misery myself, but by the time I get there, the Koreans will assuredly not exist anymore.


1530 AD:

Ring! Ring!

My feet smell like moldy cheese?

Declare war on Wang Kon and help us wipe Korea off the map!

OK.

You accept? That's an unexpected development coming from a coward like you!

Sure, no problem. I give Wang Kon five turns maximum facing France alone.

Oh, so you're declaring war, yet you won't lift a finger to help us in our important quest.

That is correct. And that way, one less -1 will appear next to your name.

Even so, thank you. You've just damaged your relations with Boudica and Suryavarman more than you would've damaged ours by refusing.

What??

Gotta love those "You declared war on our friend!" negatives, Huh?

Dang it!

Goodbye, Suleiman!

THE OTTOMANS DECLARE WAR ON KOREA, AGAIN. (But this time, no one gives a flying turd.)


1535 AD:

I go "ring" and you go "who is it?" as the VP does it's thing.

Suleiman!

Ah, the one who starts all conversation with a view of her back!

Warring with Wang Kon again, I see.

Nah, not really. What's up?

If I give you Economics, 180 gold and my world map, will you give me Liberalism?

Sure. Farewell, Cathy!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Wait!

What?

I'll give you some of my prime cuts if you give me some sugar...

Give you some sugar? Really?

Yes, my cows for some sugar.

Oh. Resources... right. Sure, done deal! Farewell!


1540 AD:

Well, it's official. France has captured Pusan and ended Wang Kon's reign of terror.

So only eight more reigns of terror remain, huh.

You have a reign of terror?

Oops, I meant seven. Seven reigns of terror and one, good, kind, Sultan.

Maybe we should take a moment to grieve in silence in Wang Kon's memory.

Why?

Like, have a minute of silence.

A whole minute? No way! We're churning out Janissaries like mad! We don't have time to spare!


1545 AD:

The VP rings...

Man, I should have that thing on vibrate... What?

Gimme Divine Right!

What? No! What's come over you, Hatty? You used to be a total sweetheart! But ever since I got BTS, you always show up as a total [BLEEP]! What gives? Did I accidentally click on random personalities?

No, you didn't. I act like a [BLEEP], like you say, only because you've been an [BLEEP] to me. Had you played nice, I would've been nice too.

Meh, either way, De Gaulle would have kicked yer butt anyways. Farewell!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1550 AD:

Hello?

Give me your World Map. Consider it payment for the free show you got.

No, the "payment" was me refusing to aid Suryavarman in his war against you. So don't push your luck with me. Unless you feel frisky again, in which case you can have some hope.

You're not getting another show EVER! Now give me your World Map.

If I give you my World Map, the next time someone asks me to wage war on you, I'll accept. Is that what you want?

Whatever, just give me the map you fat gimp!

OK... you asked for it! Enjoy your new map while you can, and goodbye!


1555 AD:

Manny-bear... Catherine just declared war on Isabella!

Oh! Wow! Now that one I have to see on PPV! Is the battlefield a basin of mud, perhaps?

Somehow, I don't think so.

Would a pool of Jell-O be too much to hope for?

It definitely would.

Bah! I'm sure it's gonna be steamy and hot anyways!

Oh, and by the way, Catherine also completed the Quest of Harbormaster.

What in Helen of Troy is that?

Beats me.


1560 AD:

Yay! The Great Prophet Tson Khapa was born in Istanbul!

You know, I'm starting to not care about Great Prophets so much. Send him to Bursa to make the Holy Shrine or something.

OK...


1570 AD:

 

[Flouzemaker]

1580 AD:

Ah! Now we're talking! First, awesome culture boost for Wonsan. Secondly... Golden Age!!! Do you know the last time I enjoyed a golden age, Roxolana?

No, when?

I don't even remember it was so long ago!

But you're a wonder-whore! Certainly you'd have built the Taj Mahal loads of times!

Nah. It's never really high on my list of priorities, for some reason, and though I do build it when I can, it seems so many AIs love it dearly that I rarely ever build it.

But Golden Ages are cool! Look at how fast Edirne can build Janissaries, now!

Superb! We will soon be almost adequately defended!


1585 AD:

The VP Rings

Welcome, Suleiman! I hope that our two great nations can be firm friends and allies. However if you attack us we shall fight you on the beaches, we shall fight you on the landing grounds, we shall fight you in the fields and in the streets - well, you get the idea...

What the [BLEEP]! Who are you and where did you come from?

I'm Winston Churchill.

I know who you are! Jeez! Think I never went to school or something? It's just that there is no England in this game, buddy! I'll let you know that I have a very complete map, and you're not on it!

Wang Kon's demise enabled Boudica to form the colony of England, which I rightfully lead.

A colony? Really? Wow. This a first for me. I usually play on maps that don't really justify the creation of colonies.

Boudica slightly over settled the world and her economy couldn't handle it anymore, so... want peace of not?

Yeah, sure, peace! Any friend of Boubica, no matter how irrelevant, is friend of mine! Farewell!

Wow. England sure is destined to greatness! Lolz!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1605 AD:

Suleiman! My good buddy!

AAAh! Jeez! Don't spring up on me like that, dude!

I have a deal for you!

You know when you handle fresh Jalapeño peppers with your fingers, and then you absentmindedly rub your eyes before having washed your hands? That's what your face does to me eyes, dude. Every time. No offense, of course.

None taken. I did explain about the wonky rendering, right?

Yes, you did. What's the deal?

How about Chemistry and 15 gold for your Replaceable Parts?

Yeah, OK.

Thanks! See ya l-

Hold on, Suryavarman.

What?

I just realized that I've been really quite stoopad.

It took fifty six centuries for you to notice?

I've been researching Military Tradition and stuff, yet... I don't even have access to horses!

Hey, I have plenty of horses, buddy!

So what do you want for some?

I want corn, copper, and 4 gold per turn.

~sputter!~! Oh... yeah, OK. Works great for me, actually! Farewell!

Heh! Heh! Sucker! It's 1605 AD! Who even needs copper anymore?

 

[feldmarshall]

wow this is great, mon ami!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1620 AD:

Stop trading with France!

Ah! Winston. Since you're new, I'll let your insolent behavior slide for now, and explain one or two things to you. First, you're lands suck, you're puny, and you don't matter.

That's not very nice!

Exactly. That's life, and life ain't "bloody" nice. So that first fact that we previously established leads to a second conclusion: you're in no position to make uppity demands. Why? See first point. I hope you learned a lot, today, Winston. Farewell!


1625 AD:

SULEIMAN! Check this out:

WTH is that crappy quest, S.o.R.E.?

You know... don't abbreviate my name, it looks really bad. Especially around someone's mouth. Just call me Spirit of Random Events, like you're supposed to, and maybe I'll give you better quests next time.

Dude, there is NO WAY that I'm going to "establish myself" on seven different landmasses. No. No way. No matter what they are, the prizes for completion can't possibly outweigh the devastating effect that this moronic quest would have on my economy. No.

Yeah... I figured as much.

Actually, there are super-crappy little bits of frigid lands available here and there along the poles. I count at least seven of them. You'd only need to settle five to complete the quest. Then, you could "gift" them all to other Civs!

The answer is still a resounding NO! I heard some Civs didn't accept gifts of crappy worthless cities anymore. And even if some still did, I'm not taking the chance that I'd be stuck with even one of those turd cities weighing me down. No. Shame on you, Spirit of Random Events. Shame!!

I'm sorry...

I'll even beeline for Industrialism as soon as I can because of this! Or even switch to Free Religion right away!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1635 AD:

Suleiman, my weak little acquaintance!

What do you want, Chuck?

I'll give you 55 gold if we trade world maps.

Sure. Goodbye!

Isabella and Catherine have made peace, my Manny-bunny!

Huh! And neither of them annoyed me with requests for help! I'm both blown away in surprise and pleased with both of them! Did either of them win anything?

No.

Well, good for them!


1640 AD:

Hey! Suleiman, my friend! You are such a fantastic leader and a role model for youths worldwide!

You're trying to butter me up, aren't you?

Me?

Yeah. What I'm seeing right now is someone taking out the pot of vaseline and cupping a huge glob of in in his hand to lubricate my [BLEEP] before he -

Just give me Military Tradition now, and it will be painless, Suleiman.

See? Exactly what I was saying right there!

All of your talk of needing horses because you have the right tech... it tempts me, you know?

We you should have thought of that before you started spamming the map with settlements! Goodbye, Suryavarman!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1650 AD:

Suleiman! I require your assistance post-haste!

What is it now, Winston? And remember the lesson we learned before speaking.

Um... Boudica and myself would be quite grateful if you helped us in our ongoing war against Spain.

What ongoing war against Spain?

Well, Boudica declared war on Isabella in 1580. It's just that you were too busy ogling your new Taj Mahal to notice the important event. Catherine helped us. Now, I suppose it's your turn to do it.

Is that so? In any case, the fact that you just don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things leads me to decline your idiotic suggestion. Farewell, Churchill!


And speaking of things I forgot to notice... let's jump back to 1640 AD for a second:

Congratulations, Suleiman! Pick your prize!

Well, since I'm not allowed to win culturally... I'll pick the happiness bonus, thank you very much!


Back to the present: 1650 AD:

You know, my faithful readers never had a chance to really see my cities, so here goes:

 

[Flouzemaker]

Suleiman dials the VP...

Hello?

Hi, Chuck. I see you're looking to trade some of those Gems of yours. How about some of my Sugar? You likey?

Sure, pourquoi pas?

Thanks! Bye!

Suleiman dials another number.

Yes?

I'm strapped for cash, buddy. How much would you give me for some of my extra Gold?

How about 13 gold per turn?

How about you've got yourself a deal? See ya!

Again, Suleiman dials...

Who beckons?

It is I, your kindly neighbor. I've got a proposal.

Say... Is that a treaty in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Both! How about you and I strike a defense agreement pact?

A very sensible idea! Certainly!

And check out this trade idea: You give me Constitution, Rifling, your World Map, and 150 gold, and I'll give you Divine Right, Scientific Method, and Military Tradition.

Oooh! That would give me my Cossacks soon! That's so tempting I'll agree to your proposal!

True, Cossacks sure are cool. But you have to admit winged hussars would be, too.

Yeah, winged hussars would be REALLY cool!

You've been as lovely as ever, Catherine. I'll see you soon!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1670 AD:

Yay! René Descartes has been born in Ankara! What shall we have this Great Scientist do?

I think... I think therefore I am going to have him build his Academy in Ankara!

Right away, my husband!

Ring! Ring!

Suleiman! Care to have Open Borders with me?

Why?

Um... because?

That's exceptionally convincing. Strangely, that's also the exact same argument used in favor of incestuous marriages!

Is that a yes or a no?

No. Goodbye.


1700 AD:

The VP does it's thing

Hello?

Suleiman, my dear friend!

Queen Boudica, my soft, supple friends!

I most urgently require knowledge of Constitution.

And you also require much less clothing to succeed in extricating that one from me for absolutely nothing!

Dream on!

I can make dreams become reality, Boudica. The moment a Great Artist shows up in my lands, I'll have him paint a masterpiece: you, naked, in a compromising position.

Well don't blame me if you're suddenly inundated with PMs requesting such a Great Work!

Good point...

So, about Constitution...

Farewell!

 

[Flouzemaker]

Suly-honey! Euclid was just born in Istanbul!

Another Great Scientist? But we had one just 30 years ago!

Can you really have too many Great Scientists?

Believe it or not, it happened to me once. Still we don't have too many in this game. Let's have him build an Academy in Edirne.

Isabella has made peace with Boudica and Churchill. No one lost or won anything in that war either, it seems.

Meh. It happens, it happens.



1720 AD:

... And now, it is De Gaulle and Hatshepsut's turn to declare war on Isabella, Manny-bear!

Well, whaddaya know! Only Cyrus and I haven't warred with her yet.

Judging from such previous wars, and despite De Gaulle's large forces, I expect nothing will be lost or gained in this one either.

They probably don't really bother with transporting sufficient troops in Galleys.



1730 AD:

Ring! Ring!

I have an amazingly simple, and great, trade proposal, Suleiman!

Ah! One of my favorite sights! What's your plan?

You give me Physics...

... and?

And that is all.

Don't be ridiculous, Cathy!

And here I thought we were past petty concerns of fair trades in our relationship.
We're close, aren't we? And now, it could become PHYSICal!

Nice try, but I'm not falling for it!

What? But flirting ALWAYS works!

Hey, if I want to get to second base, I just need to hop on by my harem. Farewell, Cathy!