Suleiman's Harem

[Flouzemaker]

SULEIMAN!

I'm not doing your stupid Blessed Seas Quest!

That's not what I'm here about:

OH! Well, especially since Istanbul is suffering from overpopulation... Spare no expense to aid Boubica!



1740 AD:

My lovely Sultan! We were the first to discover Communism, and thus have received a Great Spy.

Groovy! Let's have him build Scotland Yard in Ankara.



THE STATE OF THE WORLD IN 1750 AD:

Is it just me, or we're not gaining any cultural ground against Catherine?

She does seem to resiliently hang on to her conquered cities...

And do the French and Khmer Empires look overly large to you guys, too, or it's just me?

You'll note that there are still enough unclaimed [BLEEP]y spots that we could still complete the Blessed Seas Quest.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT QUEST!!

This truly warms my heart. We've built many a Janissary, and now, we train both Riflemen and Cavalries. You should be proud of yourself, Suleiman. For once in your Civilization playing career, you have finally built an adequate army! We're not the strongest, but we sure are competitive!

Normally, I'd be slightly anxious about De Gaulle. But so long as he's busy with Isabella, he'll not be a threat.

I would suppose not. Yet, I encourage you to keep bolstering our strength. This is no time to fall back into your usual habits of completely neglecting your military!

Hey, I went up a difficulty level, so I ain't takin' no chances!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1770 AD:

Ring-a-ding-ding!

Hello?

My weak little acquaintance, greetings! I have a grand proposal, Suleiman!

What do you want to try and extort, now?

Declare war on Isabella, and become my ally.

I'd like to, guy, but Isabella, see, she made her puppies play for me.

Be that as it may, nobody on the face of the planet even likes Isabella a little bit.

True.

Therefore, you would suffer no diplomatic consequences if you declared war on her.

Still...

And since absolutely no one likes her, do you agree that it's just a question of time until we all dogpile her senseless and wipe Spain off the map?

I guess you making a valid point, here.

And my troops are numerous enough that I only require you to play a supportive role.

You're making a lot of sense, Chucky. I'll bite hook, line, and sinker. War on Isabella it is. A shame, but necessary, in the end.

I can't deny the fact that you undoubtedly possess great wisdom.

Goodbye, Chuck! Expect my troops to arrive in Spain soon!


...
THE OTTOMANS DECLARE WAR ON SPAIN!

... Like I'm actually going to send a single little troop all the way to Spain. Pfft! Sucker. Well, we're now allied with France in this war thing. War in which I'll do absolutely nothing!

But we have the necessary troops. And you did say Madrid would make a beautiful prize!

Whatever!

This "war just for show" of yours did cancel our Defense Pact with Catherine.

No big whoop, we can sign another one when Isabella and I make peace.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1775 AD:

SULEIMAN!

Ghaah! What?

You have FAILED the Blessed Seas Quest!

Watch me cry over it.

Hm... I don't see a tear.

I'm crying... on the inside.

You're just yanking my chain!

The same way you were yanking mine when you gave me that stupendously stupid quest of yours!


1804 AD:

Ring Ring!

Yeah?

You know, cherished war ally, I've thought of another way you can aid me in destroying Spain.

Is that so? I've already sent Galleons filled with Riflemen and Cavalries, you know?

That's excellent. But if you gave me an additional 530 gold...

And keep a whole ten gold for myself? You're too generous, Chuck!

I knew you'd understand!

[BLEEP] no! I'm not giving you a cent! All of the troops I'm sending over to Spain will have to do.

Very well, but soon, you'll see that those funds would've been better used by France.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1808 AD:

SULEIMAN! A devastating hurricane has destroyed Istanbul's Forge and Castle.

What? WTH? Why are you so crappy to me, this game? Usually, bandits pillage a farm or some lame, easy to replace thing. But my Forge and Castle? You go too far, S.o.R.E.!

I told you not to call me that.

Go away! And don't come back! I don't want to see you ever again!






1818 AD:

WHAT THE [BLEEP]??

Hatshepsut and I declare war on you, sucka!

At the risk of being redundant... WHAT THE [BLEEP]??

It was all a ruse, Suleiman! All of it! I wasn't warring with Isabella for real, it was all for show! My troops have remained here, in France, all along!

What? Why?

I declared war on that poor hopeless Isabella just to lure you into doing the same, thus canceling that pesky defense pact you had with Catherine!

You [BLEEP]ing [BLEEP]! What the heck is WRONG with you French people, huh? That's evil!

And now that you've sent your troops to Spain, I can-

Actually, I didn't send anything to Spain. I was doing it for show, too. Man, Isabella must feel used!

How duplicitous!

Oh, because duping me into warring with Isabella wasn't?

No. That was brilliant. Totally different kind of thing altogether. No matter, my limitless troops shall annihilate you fully and completely.

Well, bring it on, [BLEEP]!

...To be continued... eventually...

 

[Peng Qi]

...Catherine has a frighteningly large stack of troops there in that last screenshot that seem to be pointed in the general direction of your capital...

My advice? I know I'm not a hot harem chick, but I'd give Catherine whatever she wants to declare war on the French!

 

[StuntedAzrael]

A cliffhanger!!!! You can't just stop now! Omg! You're evil.

Excellent story btw.

 

[RockTheCazbah87]

Good man for refusing Catherine's demands Flouzemaker! She's walked all over you for too long!

And dont worry about de Gaulle. You can take him!

 

[Peng Qi]

Well don't blame me if you're suddenly inundated with PMs requesting such a Great Work!

On an unrelated note...Civporn? Has that ever happened before?

 

[Antilogic]

Why are you no longer at war with Isabella in the last screenshot? Are we going to see what she has to say about your treachery?

 

[Flouzemaker]

Why are you no longer at war with Isabella in the last screenshot? Are we going to see what she has to say about your treachery?

That event comes right after De Gaulle's DoW and the last screenshot. As you can guess from the screenshot, I make peace with Isabella. I prefer to wage the fewest number of simultaneous wars as I possibly can.

 

[Scarredroman]

Looks like Catherine is about to betray Manni. I'm looking forward to seeing all those jannisaries in action.

 

[Antilogic]

That event comes right after De Gaulle's DoW and the last screenshot. As you can guess from the screenshot, I make peace with Isabella. I prefer to wage the fewest number of simultaneous wars as I possibly can.

Usually a good call--I was confused (and thought I missed some of the story!). However, my ardent admiration for Friedrich II occasionally necessitates my fighting on at least 4 fronts whenever I can, as homage.

On those Russians...I wouldn't trust her for an instant. That seems to be the general vibe in this thread...I can't wait to see what happens.

 

[Sleepless]

Would just like to say Tres Bien (thats about the limit of my french ) and keep up the good work.

 

[civplayah]

I finally subscribed! Your soooo great! I suggest a possible THIRD story!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1816 AD:

Alright, first things first. Let's call Isabella...

Hello? I hate you.

You didn't even know who was calling, yet!

It doesn't matter, I hate everyone.

You must have plenty on your plate, Isabella. How much would you give me for peace?

25 gold, no more.

Cheapskate! I'll take it anyways. Peace we have.

Girls! You have to start thinking for me, please! What's the situation?

De Gaulle has at least two stacks that we can clearly see. One contains 16 units of strength comparable with our defenses. The other, south of Wonsan, is smaller.

By the looks of things, it's pretty obvious that De Gaulle's main aim is to make Wonsan his own. He also has a few mounted units here and there poised for some pillaging.

So what do we do?

We have roughly 600 gold to use in unit upgrades, especially in Wonsan. We should also send back-up troops as fast as we can.

Sounds good.

But the looks of it, most of De Gaulle's troops leave from Thebes, step into Russian territory using the straight, south-east route, then turns to the south-west to attack from the forest south of Wonsan. Knowing this, I would recommend you ask Catherine to close her borders with De Gaulle. That would throw a wrench in his spokes. I'd normally recommend you get yourself a war ally in this conflict, but everyone seems deathly afraid of France.

Gutless yellow-bellies! Alright, let's call Cathy.

 

[Flouzemaker]

Who is it?

It's Suleiman.

My favorite big bear! It's always a pleasure to talk to you! I do hope you win your war!

If that's what you hope, maybe you could put the odds in my favor by canceling your trades with De Gaulle.

I'd like to, but I can't. It'd cost my economy, and I'd lose a few resources in the process. Still hope you win, though.

It's not very apparent. I thought we were buddies!

We are. After all, I suspect that if you lose to France, I might become the next target in De Gaulle's quest for domination. So... good luck!

Yeah, yeah. Bye.

Dang it!

Well, We've done what we could for now, let's see what happens next.


1818 AD:

The French attack Wonsan...

The French have attacked Wonsan, but the city is still ours.

What's the damage?

Our defenders have killed 6 Musketeers, 5 Cuirassiers, two War Elephants and one macemen. One of their Cuirassiers has withdrawn from combat. However, French Trebuchets have substancially reduced our defenses.

And how many losses for our camp?

None. And reinforcements are still on the way.

We killed 14 French units and suffered no losses? Excellent! This is starting off better than I would have imagined!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1820 AD:

I'm sad to say that a French Galleon has pillaged the fish source north of Bursa.

There's an airship in Bursa, however. We can damage the Galleon and finish it off with our own Galleon.

Let's do that!

Moments later...

Success! Next... Two Egyptian Horse Archers are attempting to pillage our Copper mine North of Edirne.

Nobody gives a crud about copper anymore, babe.

We send that copper to Suryavarman and get Horses in exchange. Without Horses, we can't build Cavalry.

Oh yeah... Get rid of them.

A local Cuirassier and War Elephant can take care of it:

YAY! Our military successes have inspired the birth of Sun Tzu in Edirne!

Score! Let's have him instruct our trainees in Ankara!

Moments later...

The French have made a second attack on Wonsan.

Damages?

They have lost two Musketmen and a Cuirassier.

They didn't try very hard, this time, did they?

No, but our defense has been reduced to only 13%, now.

 

[Flouzemaker]

1822 AD:

My dearest Sultan. Things have gone our way so far, except that a new stack has arrived near Wonsan. It's so large, some units can't be listed on the screen:

[BLEEP]! A French leader who actually knows how to wage a war... I'm not used to that! What can we do?

We have a Canon and Cavalry units in Wonsan. They're all better used offensively, so we should probably damage that stack preemptively.

Good idea!

Moments later... as the Ottomans attack the Stack...

First, our Canon has withdrawn, enabling us to heal it for further use. Then, our five available Cavalries have removed four French Riflemen and a Cuirassier from play. Again, we have suffered no casualties!

Score!

The French stack now fits on the screen:

It fits on screen, but it's still uncomfortably huge... We'll have to see what happens in the next battle...


Now, the French attack en masse...

How did the battle go?

Unfortunately, we have lost two Riflemen in the defense of Wonsan, my dear Sultan. On the positive side, De Gaulle has lost one Cavalry, one Cuirassier, 9 Musketeers, one Pikeman and two Trebuchets in his unsuccessful attack.

We survived! I've lost two units, and De Gaulle has now lost a total of 36! This is going great! And we still have reinforcements on the way, right? Good!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1824 AD:

Yay! Yet another Great General, this time Isoru Yamamoto, has been born in Edirne, thanks to our spectacular defensive efforts!

Groovy! Have him, err... Become an instructor in Istanbul! Now, let's see how De Gaulle does in his next attack...

Just a tad bit later...

De Gaulle didn't put a lot of mustard on it this time, my dear Sultan. We lost one Rifleman, but he lost a Musketeer while two of his Cavalries have withdrawn.

That's not a great successs for us.

Maybe so, but our Cavalries can finish off his injured stack south of Wonsan.

Like my mom would have said: do it!

1826 AD:

YESSSS! Well done, Beste!

Thank you. We have effectively killed 2 French Cavalries and a Maceman, and an Egyptian War Elephant and Horse Archer.

De Gaulle: 3, Suleiman: 39! Let's see what happens next!


As the "return" key is pressed, France attacks once more...

1828 AD:

It's like De Gaulle didn't even try, this time, my dear Sultan. We killed two French Riflemen in an easy defense of Wonsan.

WOOT! That must pretty much do it for now... Keep solidifying the defenses in Wonsan, but also pack two Cavalries, a Rifleman and three cannon in our Galleys. I have a special mission planned for them. Meanwhile, if I've kept score correctly: De Gaulle: 3, Suleiman: 41! Heh! Heh!

 

[Flouzemaker]

1832 AD:

Just out of curiosity...

Suleiman dials the VP...

Yes?

Hah! Hah! Hah! And you thought you were so frikkin' mighty! Ha! Ha! Dumb [BLEEP]!

You've only seen a small fraction of my forces at work!

Sure, sure. So, now that you've had your [BLEEP] handed to you, how much will you give me for peace?

Give YOU? No, if you want peace, give me Edirne.

~spit take!~ Were you dropped on your head at birth?

Of course not! I said I would annihilate you fully and completely, and that's what I will do. It doesn't matter how long it takes, or how many troops must be sacrificed in the betterment of France!

Give me all your money, and you won't need to mass murder your own military.

Give me Edirne, and you won't need to die, hanging from my gallows.

[BLEEP] you, you moron! Can't you see when you've lost? Huh? See you on the battlefield, [BLEEP]!


1836 AD:

Two turns ago, we landed near Elephantine. Then, we bombarded the city. Is that what your "Special Mission" is?

Oooh yeah. I suspect De Gaulle strongly defends his cities, but Hatshepsut is weak. Very weak! Attack Elephantine!!!

... later...

Our Cannon attacked first, only one of them managing to withdraw. Then, our Cavalries charged. One was killed, but the other was successful. Then, our Rifleman defeated another defender.

Woot! Ha! Ha! We may not have planed this war, but we'll be getting something out of it!

We haven't taken Elephantine yet...

True, we weren't lucky enough to win three battles out of three. But extra attackers are coming, and there's no doubt Elephantine will be ours!