constantinople
not Istanbul
Chapter VIII: Arab Atrocities, Barbaric Bedouins, and Sneaky Seljerks
Jane: That was a good meal.
Theodore: They overcooked my burger.
George: You didn't say how you wanted it cooked.
Theodore: Well who wants an overcooked burger?! Just continue the story.
George: Right.
George: So, the Byzantines began attacking Jerusalem once again. Er, sorry, bombarding. The empresses Zoe Porphyrogenita and Theodora ordered an attack on Jerusalem, stating it was rightfully Byzantine. They were very sassy girls... Their husbands stole all of the credit, though.
Spoiler :
George: They also employed the Empire's first mercenaries, the Varangian Guard, touch dudes from Kievan Rus'.
Spoiler :
George: In 1053, it was declared the Byzantine Empire was the most cultured in the world. Or at least the map of the story, we still don't know for sure.
Spoiler :
George: It was clear the Empire needed more soldiers, so they called cataphracts from Egypt. The army from Tyre was also nearing Jerusalem.
Spoiler :
George: Around this time, Emperor Constantine IX, the husband of Theodora, told the Pope that he looked like Winston Churchill. Since Winsty was Anglican this angered the Pope, and he officially declared that Orthodoxy was stupid and Catholicism was better. This was known as the Great Schism.
Theodore: Look, I may not know much about history but I do know that Churchill was around in the 1900s, 900 years before the Great Schism. If he didn't exist, how could Constantine say the Pope looked like him?
George: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were telling the story.
Theodore: No, no, no! I'm not-
George: No, no! Ju-
Theodore: But I'm-
George: Just go.
Theodore: I'm sorry.
George: Thank you.
Spoiler :
George: In 1056, the Battle of Jerusalem began.
Spoiler :
George: The city had fell. The Holy Land was Byzantine, but not the Holy See. Michael VI Bringas was a peacefully hippy so he arranged a peace treaty with the Arabs. He had a stammering problem and while he was waiting for the treaty, he said, "Bring us-, bring us-, bring us-, bring us-, bring us-, bring us...some sandwiches. I'm get-, get-, get-, getting hungry." And that's why he's called Michael VI Bringas.
Spoiler :
George: The one good thing was, the Arabs were basically the Byzzies' slaves. The Byzantines also gained complete control of the Sinai. Yup, the Empire was powerful, but a new threat was arising...
Spoiler :
George: In 1076, jerks from a town called Sel, "Seljerks," commonly misspelled "Seljuks," randomly appeared in the Byzantine countryside. The Byzantines had many polearms, but there was still a huge army of the mounted men of evil.
Spoiler :
George: There was a cry of war heard everywhere, the Byzantines had a lot of forces, but was it enough? Plus, the Seljerks pillaged the countryside.
Spoiler :
George: Some of the Seljerks appeared in Arabia, near the colony of Aqaba. It was undefended, but there was nothing that could be done.
Spoiler :
George: The goal of the Seljerks was to get as far inland as possible, maybe even to Constantinople itself. The Byzantine army was huge, but it would be hard to survive the onslaught of Seljerks.
Spoiler :
Geroge: The Seljerks set up a base called Mus. Mus as in: "We Mus kill all Byzantines"
Spoiler :
George: It was very effective, the base launched out hordes of Seljerks.
Spoiler :
George: Although they didn't conquer any land, they moved in and pillaged the Byzantine landscape.
Spoiler :
George: Nikephoros III Botaneiates hired tagmatas, spearmen, to aid in the killing of Seljerks.
Spoiler :
George: That same year, the barbarians cut off land access to Egypt. They also pillaged around the Levant.
Spoiler :
George: Areas of Anatolia were affected too.
Spoiler :
George: Byzantine forces were getting weary. Could they survive much longer?
