What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Spoiler:
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.
Why did the moron climb the chain-link fence?
Spoiler:
To see what was on the other side.
A moron came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
How do you put an Elephant in a fridge in three steps?
Spoiler:
1. Open the fridge 2. Put the Elephant in 3. Close the fridge!
How do you put a Giraffe in a fridge in four steps?
Spoiler:
1.Open the fridge 2. Get the Elephant out of it 3. Put the Giraffe in 4.Close the fridge!
Tarzan called all animals for a meeting, all have come but one, which one?
Spoiler:
The Giraffe of course!
There's a river full of Crocodiles which you need to cross, there ain't no bridge or any other means to cross it but to go through it by swimming, how do you cross it?
Spoiler:
Just swim through, the Crocodiles are in a meeting with Tarzan anyway
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Well since he is the topic of the day, here are some Tiger Jokes.
This one is long, so it is in a spoiler.
Spoiler:
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Why did Bill Clinton call Tiger Woods the day after Thanksgiving? He wanted to arrange a foursome.
Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a better Driver.
I think Tiger Woods could have prevented his troubles with his pretty blonde wife if he'd just had a little OJ that morning!
The thing about driving at 2:30 in the morning, it is hard to see the Woods from the trees.
Why was Erin out at 2:30 in the morning?
She was out clubbing.
Why did Tiger hit a tree and a fire hydrant?
He was having trouble deciding between a wood and an iron.
A first-grade teacher; Ms. Brooks; was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked; 'Harry; what's your problem?'; Harry answered; 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'; Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office; the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.;
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Harry: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Harry: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her; 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'; Ms. Brooks says to the principal; 'Let me ask him some questions.'; The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry; after a moment: Legs.
Ms Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: Pockets.
Ms. Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Harry: Pants
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C; ends with a T; is hairy; oval; delicious and contains thin; whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut.
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer Harry replied; Bubble gum.
Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up; a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
Harry: Shake hands.
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher; 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
DOE...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
007 taps, taps his watch,
.......
and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast...
That didnt fit in the thread about german authors, so I'll write it down here:
A young boy sits in a chair, reading a big book. His father comes along and asks him what he is reading. "Karl May" he replies. "But it says Karl Marx on the cover of the book" says his father. "Oh, really? I already started to wonder why the story has no Indians!"
There were 3 guys stranded on an island, and they had been captured by cannibals. The Cannibal Leader said that he would let a person live if that person could get a fruit. The 3 went off. The first guy came back with an apple.
"Good, now shove it up your butt." said the Leader. The first guy was doing it but then cried so they killed him. The second guy was coming back with grapes. Then he laughed and was killed.
Up in heaven the first guy asked "Why did you laugh? You could have lived."
The second guy replied "I saw the third guy coming back with a pineapple."
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