The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0

[Ziggy Stardust]

Why did the lion get lost in the jungle?

Spoiler :

The jungle is a very big place

Chicken walks into a library goes up to the librarian and goes: "book" (in a chickenlike manner). Librarian gives him a book and the chicken is on her way. Next day, the chicken returns the book and goes, "bookbookbook". Librarian raises an eyebrow, but still hands the chicken her 3 books. Next day the chicken returns the 3 books and goes, "bookbookbookbookbook". Librarian thinks, "5 books? What the ... I got to get to the botttom of this". He gives the 5 books, tells someone to mind the counter and follows the chicken to her house. At the house he goes to the window and peers in. He sees a bed, in it a frog with a thermometer from his mouth and tissues everywhere. Clearly a sick frog. The chicken walks in exclaiming: "book"! And places the books on the bed. The frog carefully picks up each of the books, "reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit"

 

[Zack]

A little creepy and gruesome, but still somewhat funny:

Moderator Action: One Joke deleted

Spoiler :

What's the difference between a table and a a baby?

Spoiler :

A table doesn't scream when you cut off its legs.

Spoiler :

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Spoiler :

Depends how hard you throw them.

Spoiler :

What's worse than 7 dead babies pinned to 1 tree?

Spoiler :

1 dead baby pinned to 7 trees.

Spoiler :

How do you fit 100 dead babies into a bowl?

Spoiler :

With a blender.

Spoiler :

How do you get them out of the bowl?

Spoiler :

Tortilla chips.

EDIT: How could I forget?

Spoiler :

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

Spoiler :

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

 

[Huayna Capac357]

WTF?!

 

[Kanzera]

You Moderator Action: deleted ?! That's really sexy perverted!

 

[Mirc]

Dark humor FTW!

 

[uat2d]

OMG SICK!!

 

[Zack]

Added one of the best ones.

Moderator Action: deleted

 

[Kanzera]

Added one of the best ones.

Now that one you just added was pretty funny.

 

[classical_hero]

Now we need a proper joke.

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

 

[Kanzera]

^ Ahahaha...

 

[Ziggy Stardust]

Good one

 

[Dumanios]

 

[Kanzera]

Here's one that's stolen borrowed from another website.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:


"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!"


The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:


"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:


"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:


"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"


The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:


"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:


"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"


The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

[Dumanios]

 

[Zack]

The classic joke that we all heard in 2nd grade:

There are three presidents in an airplane. The first one drops an orange, parachutes down, and finds a little kid crying. The president asks the boy, "Why are you crying little kid?" The boy says, "An orange fell from the sky and hit me in the head!" and runs off. The second president drops an apple. He parachutes down, and he finds a little kid crying. "Why are you crying little kid?" "An apple fell from the sky and hit me in the head!" the boy responded, and he ran off crying. The third president drops an atomic bomb. He parachutes down and finds a little kid laughing. "Why are you laughing little kid?" The kid giggles and responds, "I farted and the town behind me blew up!"

 

[Earthling]

Chicken walks into a library goes up to the librarian and goes: "book" (in a chickenlike manner). Librarian gives him a book and the chicken is on her way. Next day, the chicken returns the book and goes, "bookbookbook". Librarian raises an eyebrow, but still hands the chicken her 3 books. Next day the chicken returns the 3 books and goes, "bookbookbookbookbook". Librarian thinks, "5 books? What the ... I got to get to the botttom of this". He gives the 5 books, tells someone to mind the counter and follows the chicken to her house. At the house he goes to the window and peers in. He sees a bed, in it a frog with a thermometer from his mouth and tissues everywhere. Clearly a sick frog. The chicken walks in exclaiming: "book"! And places the books on the bed. The frog carefully picks up each of the books, "reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit"

First, thanks for your contributions to the thread, even if they're PG, but I was going to say - am I the only one who read this and thought it was going somewhere else, before the last couple of sentences revealed just a typical corny kids' joke? Like, some sort of basilisk-breeding scheme, naturally?

 

[PlutonianEmpire]

Q: In Minnesota, there is a creek called "Minnehaha" creek. How did it get its name?

Spoiler :

A: Someone was in the middle of saying "Minnesota" when he started laughing.

 

[cardgame]

Abstinence-only sex education is like just-hold-it potty training.

 

[classical_hero]

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked in and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

 

[Ziggy Stardust]

First, thanks for your contributions to the thread, even if they're PG, but I was going to say - am I the only one who read this and thought it was going somewhere else, before the last couple of sentences revealed just a typical corny kids' joke? Like, some sort of basilisk-breeding scheme, naturally?

Somewhere else ... like a naughty place? Look if the connections you draw from a frog with a thermometer and tissues around are in naughty territory I advice to seek professional help

That was a QI joke, and they're all corny.

Evidence:

Link to video.


Link to video.