The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0

[Kullervo]

Don't know if this has been posted yet... my eyes began bleeding around page 5 so I skipped the last 6 or so.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out camping overnight in a tent. In the middle of the night, Watson hears Holmes calling him. He looks up and sees Holmes sitting up, staring upwards. Without looking at Watson, Holmes asks him.
"Tell me... what do you think of the stars?"
"Oh? Well, errm, I think they're quite nice. You don't get stars like this in London..."

Holmes is looking at Watson. Watson becomes uncomfortable.

"Did I miss something?"
"Watson, you idiot, someone stole our tent."

Yess! I managed to insert a PG rated joke into an non-rated thread.

 

[Wong512]

I've heard a much more extended version of that joke, it was too long to remember though

 

[Kullervo]

This could be slightly offensive and/or irreverent.
1960's. A notoriously bad tempered air traffic controller is yelling at a pilot in Dresden who is coming in too low.
"What are you, stupid?! Watch where you are going, you <SNIP>!! Haven't you ever seen Dresden before?!"
"Yep. Through a bombing door. And I wasn't landing then."

What did the British do to win World War 1?

Spoiler :

They whipped out their little willies

A Frenchman, and American, and a Russian are stranded on a desert island with cannibals on it. Before they can beat each other to a pulp, they are captured and taken to the chief's tent. The chief brings out an ancient musket and points at a small bird some four hundred metres away. He tells them to shoot the bird, or they will be eaten. The American attempts to fire enough bullets and hopes to hit the target. Unfortunately, the musket only fires one bullet at a time. The cannibals eat him. The Frenchman takes careful aim, breathes in, breathes out, and shoots. He wasn't even close. The cannibals eat him. The Russian thinks for a second, and then asks for a bottle of vodka. One is procured. He drinks the vodka, and waits for five minutes. Then he points the gun randomly and fires. The bird falls dead.
After the cannibals give him a canoe and enough provisions to last him a few weeks, the chief asks: How did you hit the bird?

The Russian thinks and then shrugs. "Out of forty barrels and at such a huge flock?"

 

[classical_hero]

What sound does a cat make when you set it on fire?

Woof.

 

[holy king]

how do you get a dog to meow?

freeze him, then pull him through a disc saw.

 

[Omni314]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what?
--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Bobbtjoe]

Knock-knock

Spoiler :

Who's there

Spoiler :

9/11

Spoiler :

9/11 who?

Spoiler :

You said you'd never forget.

Knock-knock

Spoiler :

Your parents are dead.

 

[Kullervo]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island. They find a lamp. A genie appears and tells them he'll grant them one wish.

The redhead says: I wish I could be picked up right now by a cruise ship and go back home.

A cruise ship comes by and picks her up. She goes home.

The brunette says; I wish an airplane would fly by and pick me up so I can go home.

A plane lands on the island and takes her home.

The blonde says: Oh how I wish I was with my friends again...

 

[classical_hero]

3 nuns are walking together and a flasher comes from the bushes and surprises them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, and the third nun does not touch him at all.

 

[Omni314]

just found this one off notalwaysright.com

Movie Theater | Durham, NC, USA

(A customer approaches the service counter.)

Me: &#8220;Hi, how can I help you?&#8221;

Customer: &#8220;Is this the real life?&#8221;

Me: &#8220;Excuse me?&#8221;

Customer: &#8220;Is this just fantasy?&#8221;

Me: *catching on* &#8220;Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.&#8221;

Customer: &#8220;D*** it! I was trying to prank you! You shouldn&#8217;t know what I&#8217;m doing!&#8221;

Me: &#8220;Doesn&#8217;t really matter to me, to meeee.&#8221;

Customer: &#8220;F*** you!&#8221; *storms off*

 

[classical_hero]

Very good.

 

[Weik]

The England players visited the local children's hospital today in South Africa. "It's good to put a smile on the face's of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jamal Unboato, aged six.

 

[LastLegionare]

What's the best way to drown a blonde?

-Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.

 

[madviking]

What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

Spoiler :

You get repossessed!

 

[classical_hero]

That belongs in the lame joke thread.

 

[Love]

Isn't the lame joke thread closed?

 

[Fr8monkey]

Thieves broke into the local police station last night and stole all the toilets. The cops have nothing to go on...

Read a story in the paper about a dwarf psychic that is on the run from the police. Headline read;

Spoiler :

"Small Medium at Large!"

 

[classical_hero]

Isn't the lame joke thread closed?

I do realise that.

 

[madviking]

All of these Robert Green jokes are getting out of hand.

Spoiler :

In fact, they're crossing the line.

 

[Kullervo]

Now folks, there have been a lot of tasteless jokes about Robert Green's little mishap...

Spoiler :

And here's another one!