#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

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As a cruise ship is passing a small islet in Caribbean, one of the passengers spots a bearded man running on the beach, frantically waving his hands and apparently yelling something that can't be heard due to distance.
"Who is this guy?", he asks from captain of the ship.
"No idea," replied the captain. "But he goes crazy like that each year when we pass this islet..."
 
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, enjoying the companionship of her old cat, Bob.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother suddenly appeared.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I have three wishes to grant you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella exclaimed, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do, my dear. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more. "You have one more wish, my dear. What shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered ...

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

I love StumbleUpon!
 
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed-wire fence?

an udder catastrophe.
 
Do'h, wrong thread :cringe:
 
Spoiler :
What do you call 3 people in wheelchairs stacked on top of each other?

A vegetable rack


What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped
 
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again; Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
 
I don't really know where to put this so I'll just put it here. It doesn't really deserve its own thread.

I have no idea how accurate these numbers are…

Investment Strategy
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you
would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.

With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all
of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.
Click to expand...
 
Based on the above evidence... PM me for financial advice.
 
Might have been posted before, but I love it: :D

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Click to expand...

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
Click to expand...

A blond walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice.

"No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car
Click to expand...
 
Two planets meet each other in space. Says the first one:'Man ur looking ill - whats up??'
The second one responses:'Dude, i really dont feel well, i think i got the humans or something like that...'

First planet:'OMG, HUMANS! Thats bad....! But dont worry - it goes by...'
 
If a man makes a statement in the forest, and no woman is around to hear it, is he still wrong?
 
How is France similar to a car engine?

Spoiler :
Its success is directly proportional to its revolutions per minute.
 
Onionsoilder said:
How is France similar to a car engine?

Spoiler :
Its success is directly proportional to its revolutions per minute.
Click to expand...

You sure you did not mean Bolivia or possibly Paraguay?:p

Anyway, I recalled the following one while reading "Pope rehabilitates holocaust denier" thread:
In 1939, Nazi soldiers are raiding a small Polish village. One young German is pursuing Polish ksjondz, who tries to escape into the woods. Already pulling out his trusty parabellum, he suddenly sees the firmament open as divine voice calls out to him from above:
"Do not kill this priest, my son!"
"Why not?"
"For he is to become the Pope!"
"And?"
"Well... you are to become Pope after him..."
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment,

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them,

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side,

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,

Looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:















'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
 
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