#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[classical_hero]

A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.

"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you. For killing him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you, and for killing him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped on it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

 

[Matthew5117]

Funny, but I find the "Scientist discover something amazing" funnier believe it or not...

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

"God, how much is a million years worth to you?"
"It is but a second."
"And how much is a million dollars worth, to you?"
"It is but a penny."
"God, can I have a penny?"
"Sure; just a second."

 

[salty mud]

Word play ftw.

 

[aaglo]

"What's the difference between an extrovert Finnish person and an introvert Finnish person?"

"An extrovert Finn looks into the the toes of other people instead of his/her own."

 

[Onionsoilder]

A carpenter was talking with a client about the different kinds of finishes he did on floors. As he was wrapping up, he mentioned he did Swedish Finishes on wood floors. The customer looked at him and asked "which one, Swedish or Finnish?"

 

[StarWorms]

Grandma's letter.

She is 94 years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! '

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I jus t leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.


So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

 

[tycoonist]

thats very good

 

[Matthew5117]

Here's another story:

Spoiler :

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.

 

[Aramazd]

That is great.

 

[KaiserElectric]

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Pwned.


A Chinese man and a Jewish man are drinking in a bar. After a while, the Jewish man winds up and punches the Chinese man, knocking him off the barstool. He gets up and says, "Hey, what was that for?"

The Jewish man answers, "That was for Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese man responds, "The Japanese did that; I'm Chinese."

To which the Jewish man says, "Chinese, Japanese; what's the difference?"

A little later, the Chinese man takes a hard swing at the Jewish man and knocks him off the barstool.

The Jewish man gets up and says, "Hey, what was that for?"

The Chinese man answers, "That was for the Titanic!"

The Jewish man replies, "What are you talking about?! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"

To which the Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg; what's the difference?"

 

[Mirc]

Spoiler :

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

I know that might sound a bit arrogant, and I know it's not in any way the fault of the joke or of who posted it, but it is about 80 times less funny than it is in my language. When the word for pupil and the vulgar word for penis share 4 of the 6 letters of the former, in the right order, and have the same syllabic structure, you can imagine just how good this joke gets.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

EDIT: Nevermind, I misread your post. Please delete.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

Pwned.


A Chinese man and a Jewish man are drinking in a bar. After a while, the Jewish man winds up and punches the Chinese man, knocking him off the barstool. He gets up and says, "Hey, what was that for?"

The Jewish man answers, "That was for Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese man responds, "The Japanese did that; I'm Chinese."

To which the Jewish man says, "Chinese, Japanese; what's the difference?"

A little later, the Chinese man takes a hard swing at the Jewish man and knocks him off the barstool.

The Jewish man gets up and says, "Hey, what was that for?"

The Chinese man answers, "That was for the Titanic!"

The Jewish man replies, "What are you talking about?! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"

To which the Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg; what's the difference?"

Anyway...


"Sarah, how's that boy of yours?"
"David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel"
"That's terrible!"
"I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?

 

[echinococcus]

From qdb:

Spoiler :

A baby seal walks into a club

 

[IAM]

From qdb:

Spoiler :

A baby seal walks into a club

So simple so good!

Two achoholics walk into a bar... the third one ducks.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

A man and his wife are out in their car. The man, who isn't wearing his seatbelt, spies a police cruiser in the rear-view mirror. He hastily buckles his belt, but too late - the lights go on.
"You were driving without your seatbelt," says the officer.
"Yes I was," the man responds, "Just ask my wife."
The officer asks her, "Is it true, ma'am?"
She answers, "I have lived with this man for forty-four years, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's not to argue with him when he's drunk."

 

[classical_hero]

I know that might sound a bit arrogant, and I know it's not in any way the fault of the joke or of who posted it, but it is about 80 times less funny than it is in my language. When the word for pupil and the vulgar word for penis share 4 of the 6 letters of the former, in the right order, and have the same syllabic structure, you can imagine just how good this joke gets.

Well it is the Iris, not the pupil, so you did not read the joke properly and or have a poor understanding of the eye, so the joke would not correct, which part of the reason why the joke is funny in the first place. Sorry, but I just had to put that in. Anyway onto some jokes.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We ne! ed more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[Dumanios]

There once was a man named Harry Pickle,who lived in a town called Hairy Pickle.Everybody hated him because he lived a town called Hairy Pickle,so they hanged him by his Hairy Pickle.