The Political satire thread

[ybbor]

Post good Political Satire you find or write yourself here (as opposed to opening a seperate thread each time, which is what we've all been doing.)

be sure to link to the source of any outside material.

Kerry Sets Firm Time Table for Making his Mind up about War

Will Decide about Iraq 'Once and for All' by Year's End

In a speech to the United States Senate today, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) made his strongest policy statement to date about the war in Iraq, saying that he had set a firm timetable for making up his mind about the conflict.

"I will make up my mind about Iraq, once and for all, by the end of this year, and not one day later," a resolute Sen. Kerry told his colleagues. "June 2007 at the very latest."

After initially voting for the war in 2003, then arguing for finishing the job in Iraq in 2004, and then calling for a complete troop withdrawal in recent days, Mr. Kerry may have difficulty convincing skeptics that he will stick to his timetable of making up his mind by the end of 2006.

But according to one Democratic operative, Sen. Kerry's recent flipflopping on the war may be a sign that he is tuning up for another presidential run in 2008: "He wants to be in full flipflopping form in time for the Iowa caucuses."

Sen. Kerry's words may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, however, where President Bush vowed to remain in Iraq "until we have determined why we are there."

"Pulling out now would send the message that we actually know the reason we are in Iraq," Mr. Bush said. "We will stay there until we know that reason, and if that means forever, so be it."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=5208&srch=

 

[ULTIMATEGP]

nice lol that was good

 

[malclave]

June 24, 2006
NY Times Program Expands Executive Editor Authority
by Scott Ott

(2006-06-24) — A secret New York Times program for fighting ‘the war on the war on terror’ represents a “radical expansion of executive editor authority” according to a legal analyst who studied the parameters of the “intel sifting and sharing program” that the Times uses to disseminate U.S. national security information to international terror groups.

Unhindered by the courts or the Congress, Times Executive Editor Bill Keller continues his campaign for greater personal power to unilaterally prosecute the anti-anti-terror battle, according to the unnamed analyst.

“It’s unprecedented that a single man should have so much control over the lives of millions of Americans with no Constitutional checks and balances,” the source added. “Bill Keller does as he pleases, providing crucial intel to al Qaeda, which for all intents and purposes, is his own private militia.”

A spokesman for Mr. Keller insisted that he needs broad executive editor powers in order to “protect our loved ones from those who would threaten them by sifting their banks records, listening to their overseas phone calls, or interfering with their religious obligations.”

http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=2284

 

[malclave]

Sir Richard of Durbin: A Dr. Seuss From Beyond The Grave Tale

In the whole of the world there is none more speech frantic
Than Sir Richard of Durbin, Crown Prince of Bad Antics
From his perch high atop the United States Senate
Sir Richard screamed "foul" and then said that he meant it.

"Stalin and Hitler and also Pol Pot
Bad men I concur, but not compared to this lot
For Bush and his Gulag have surpassed them all
How? Take a seat and relax and let me recall."

Sir Richard leaned forward and commenced his tale
It was how do you say... oh yes... quite a whale.

"The temperature's cold no wait now it's hot
Is this how we treat our fellow humans? It's not.
And long before Thermometergate charges were filed
Came the news that the holy Q'aran was defiled.
Oh the horror, the shame, the cries for your mommy!
To place the Holiest of Books in a fecal tsunami!
But wait, that's not all, not by shots short nor long
These Army devils keep playing the most vile of songs!
This form of torture is too cruel to consider
Nastier still than the Doo-daddle-diddler!
Brittney Spears, Celine Dion and Manilow too
These poor fellows can't take it, quite frankly, could you?

Sir Richard sat back with a grin 'cross his face
He could tell by their looks they had bought this disgrace.
He imagined what came next for Sir Richard of Durbin
Perhaps he'd trade his Cubs cap for a turban?
Satisfied he was achieving what he thunked that he would
The Crown Prince continued, he was feeling quite good.

"Who among us can wonder what response this elicits?
Their religion is peaceful, but does have it's limits.
The blame for the bombs, fires and decapitations
Lies squarely at the feet of this administration.
You are a bad man you George Double-U
Not only I think it, but Michael Moore too.
Hollywood, France and Vermont are concurrers
Penn, Depp and Couric add their names to the slurrers .

With microphones poised and lots of low aiming
The MSM reporters kept the fires a-flaming.

"Sir Richard," one asked," if I may be so bold
How do you know it is true what you've told?"

Sir Richard lit up right before them all
And prepared to thwack this question softball.

My dear friend what a terr-if-ic question
I was just about to go in that direction!
The reason I know that my words are so true?
I was told so by Muhammad al Khalid bin Soo
A nice Arab student who wrote me from Gitmo
He told me it's true, and that makes it so.

Satisfied with the answer and with no follow-up
The reporters nodded as one and said "yep".
At that point Good Sir Richard began his big ending
The crowd was all ears for the message he was sending.

"If you listen at night you can just hear the squeals
From Muslims being served culturally insensitive meals
Is that what we've become in the U.S. today?
By Fidel Castro's beard, the answer is 'nay'!
Not as long as my liberal-moonbatty brethren
Can still manage to manipulate public opinion!

He hornswaggled and spun, he raved and he ranted
The hippies held poorly spelled signs and they chanted.
But something was different, quite different this time
I noticed it just past a glassy-eyed mime.

A group of young people with laptops a-glowing
Were speaking to each other with info a-flowing.
They weren't joining in with Sir Richard's Bush-floggers
Their facts came from some people called bloggers.
Right Wing News, Michelle Malkin & Captain's 1/4's
Dispensed stories with truth, they weren't following orders.
The Mudville Gazette and Ace of Spades blog
Had all had enough of this Bush-bashing nob.

It became crystal clear there was a turn in the tide
Mindless drivel was something they wouldn't abide.
Despite all the help from the alphabet networks
Despite ignorant screams of "killer" and "jerks"
Sir Richard, Patron Saint of Islamic fundies
Was roundly pimp-slapped by infidels in their undies.

History will recall him as a left-wing disgrace
And that is as plain as The Nose On Your Face.

http://www.thenoseonyourface.com/the_nose_on_your_face/2005/06/in_the_whole_of.html

 

[Perfection]

I suppose I should put in these two links:
http://republicanthoughts.blogspot.com/
http://profoundjournalism.blogspot.com/

 

[ybbor]

Former Texas Lawmaker Changes Name to Hassan El-Medfaai

Just days after Iraqi Prime Minister Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki announced a sweeping plan that would offer amnesty to members of the Iraqi insurgency, former Texas congressman Tom DeLay announced that he would become an Iraqi insurgent.

Mr. DeLay, who is under indictment in state court on money-laundering and conspiracy charges, said at a Houston press conference today that he had put the legal gears into motion to attain Iraqi insurgent status.

"On my 2006 tax returns, my occupation will be listed as 'insurgent,' and my name will be legally changed to Hassan El-Medfaai," Mr. DeLay said, adding, "Death to America."

Mr. DeLay's legal advisors seem confident that by changing his legal status to that of an Iraqi insurgent he will be entitled to amnesty from all of the criminal charges he currently faces in Texas.

But in order to become an insurgent, Mr. DeLay faces an immediately hurdle which may prove difficult to surmount: convincing the Iraqi insurgency that he deserves to be a member.

In Basra, the National Coalition of Iraqi Insurgents, a trade association representing over 250,000 Iraqi insurgents, met in an emergency session today to discuss Mr. DeLay's bid for membership in the insurgency.

At the conclusion of the all-day session, however, a spokesman for the group gave the former Texas congressman a resounding thumbs-down.

"As Iraqi insurgents, we have certain ethical standards that we abide by," said a spokesman for the insurgents' group. "Unfortunately, Tom DeLay falls far below those standards."

Elsewhere, scientists released a list of the top ten causes of obesity, including being suddenly fired from "The View."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=5213&srch=

 

[ybbor]

Blasts Historic Document in Fourth of July Address

In a nationally televised Fourth of July address, President George W. Bush stunned the nation by announcing that he was declaring himself independent from the United States Constitution.

“Just as our forefathers threw off the horrible yoke of British rule on July 4, 1776, today I am throwing off the yoke of this truly annoying document,” Mr. Bush said.

Mr. Bush said that the original copy of the Constitution would be auctioned on eBay and that proceeds from that sale would help pay for a “long overdue” cut in the estate tax.

According to the president’s aides, ever since the Supreme Court decided last week that the use of military tribunals in Guantanamo was unconstitutional Mr. Bush had been looking for a way around that decision, even contemplating sending the Justices themselves to Guanatanamo.

Ultimately, one aide said, the president decided that a declaration of independence from the Constitution was the most workable solution: “The fact is, whenever we’re trying to get something done around here, that stupid Constitution gets in the way.”

Mr. Bush acknowledged that some legal scholars would call his declaration of independence from the Constitution unconstitutional, but added, “To those people I say, no backsies.”

The president said that while he was no longer required to obey the U.S. Constitution, he still respected the Declaration of Independence, “because it has a really cool treasure map on the back.”

Elsewhere, after his wife and daughter appeared on Iraq’s most-wanted list, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein demanded that his mother-in-law be put on the list as well.

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=5215&srch=

 

[FriendlyFire]

On the web at www.LoneStarProject.net
Lessons from Tom DeLay - How to Rig A Texas Election
Chapter 1: Avoiding a Special Election and Hand Picking Your Candidate
Situation
You are a powerful but controversial incumbent politician who is embroiled in a bribery scandal and under indictment for money laundering. You must resign your seat to avoid an embarrassing defeat at the polls and to use your campaign funds to pay legal fees. However, you want to retain influence in order to hand pick a successor beholden to you. Follow the simple steps below.

Step 1
Remain a candidate until after your party primary has passed. If necessary, make bold statements declaring that you will win the race. This will protect your tough guy image and most importantly keeps campaign contributors on the hook and giving as long as possible.
“I plan to run a very vigorous campaign, and I plan to win it,” he [DeLay] said. (Source: The Associated Press - March 4, 2006).
Step 2
Soon after the primary, announce that you are not going to run after all. This is tricky. You need to announce quickly following the primary, so you can protect as much campaign cash as possible for your legal bills. Don’t announce too soon though, because you don’t want to trigger a special election on May 13, a statutory election day in Texas. (Source: Texas Election Code § 41.001) An announcement during the first week of April is just about right.
Step 3
Exploit a loophole in the Texas election law that allows you to be replaced on the ballot if you revoke your Texas residence and agree to move out of state. Be prepared to take some criticism.
Good Lord, are we Texans ever fortunate that Tom DeLay wasn’t at the Alamo. If he had been, when Col. William B. Travis drew that line in the sand, Tom would have said, “Are you crazy? I’m moving to Northern Virginia.” (Source: John Kelso – Austin American Statesman Friday, April 07, 2006)
Step 4
Direct the Governor to not use his authority under the Texas Election Code Section 41.0011 to call an emergency special election, even if it means voters will be without a Member of Congress for over four months while key votes on congressional appropriations will be taken.
(Tip for first-timers: This step goes smoother if you have a highly partisan, but very weak, Governor whom you have successfully bullied in the past).
Step 5
Now, pre-empt the Governor and announce that there will be no special election. It’s important to make your announcement first. That way everyone knows who’s really in charge. Ideally, make the announcement in a safe, far right wing venue so you won’t get any tough questions. It is ok to ignore the widely reported provision that allows the Governor to call an emergency special election on non-uniform election days. (Source: Texas Election Code Section 41.0011, The Houston Chronicle April 7, 2006)
RUSH: But you are going to retire or resign in enough time for there to be a special election so that —
CONGRESSMAN DeLAY: No, there won’t be a special election. Texas has a law that there’s only two dates that you can have a special election, November and May, and this weekend the deadline for the May special election will have passed.
RUSH: So it’s going to be an open seat election in November?
CONGRESSMAN DeLAY: Yes.
(Source: Rush Limbaugh Show, April 5, 2006)
Step 6
Finally, don’t go soft or lose your edge. Keep your “dirty tricks team” in the district working and scheming. If your old opponent stages a news conference, send a team in to wreck it. You’ll need them sharp when your hand picked candidate is ready to go.
“Let’s give Lampson a parting shot that wrecks his press conference,” read a mass e-mail to supporters by DeLay campaign manager Chris Homan. (Source: Fort Worth Star-Telegram, April 7, 2006) Watch the Video
Step 7 - Only for use by those under indictment
A State Legislature can be a useful tool to threaten a State prosecutor. You bought the legislature, use it. Here is how it’s done:
Transcript from Fox News Radio’s Tony Snow Show:
SNOW: Okay, so at this point, you know — are you willing to let bygones be bygones?
DELAY: Absolutely not. Texas should not allow a district attorney from Travis County have this kind of power. And they can take his power away from him because there was the Texas legislature that gave him this power. And I think that will happen in the next session of the Texas legislature.
SNOW: Oh, really?
DELAY: Yes.

The Lone Star Project is an activity of the Lone Star Fund.
Contributions or gifts to the Lone Star Fund are not tax deductible. All contributions are subject to the prohibitions and limitations of the Federal Election Campaign Act. Federal Law requires us to use best efforts to collect and report the name, mailing address, occupation and name of employer of individuals whose contributions exceed $200 in a calendar year.
Paid for by The Lone Star Fund, 6 E St, SE, Washington, DC 20003.
Not authorized by any candidate or candidate’s committee.

 

[ybbor]

this is one of the best I've read so far:

But President Acknowledges Difficulty of Unfolding, Refolding Map

Lashing out at critics who have claimed that the so-called "roadmap to peace" is in tatters, President George W. Bush said today that the roadmap is in excellent condition and has been safely stowed in the "glove compartment of peace."

"I know where the roadmap to peace is, because it is exactly where I left it," Mr. Bush said at the G-8 summit in St. Petersburg. "It is in the glove compartment of peace, and it will remain there for safekeeping."

Mr. Bush's words about the roadmap of peace did little to comfort members of the European press corps, many of whom demanded to know the precise location of the glove compartment of peace.

"The glove compartment of peace," Mr. Bush responded, "is in my Ford Explorer of peace."

While insisting that the roadmap to peace was in fact out of harm's way in the glove compartment of peace, Mr. Bush acknowledged that the roadmap should only be removed from the glove compartment of peace with great caution.

"Once you have unfolded the roadmap to peace, it is very tricky to refold it," he said. "Condoleezza Rice is pretty good at it, but even she has a hard time every now and then."

In his concluding remarks, Mr. Bush denied that the roadmap to peace was outmoded and turned a deaf ear to the G-8's call for a "GPS system of peace."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6541&srch=

 

[ybbor]

Hoping to reassure voters before the midterm elections that he is actively looking for a way to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq, President George W. Bush said today that he has been looking for an exit strategy at the popular Internet site, Mapquest.com.

By announcing that he was relying on Mapquest to navigate the United States' exit from an apparent quagmire in Iraq, the president was running the risk of making his Administration appear as if it had run out of ideas of its own.

But in a White House press briefing this morning, Mr. Bush defended his use of what he called "the Internets," adding that he was also hoping to find an international peacekeeping force for Lebanon at Craig's List.

The president said that he began his search at Mapquest by typing in "Iraq" as the starting location and "United States of America" as the ending location.

He acknowledged that the process of finding an exit strategy at the Mapquest site was complicated by the fact that many of the streets that Mapquest displays for Iraq have not existed since the U.S. began bombing the country in 2003.

Ultimately, Mr. Bush said his search for an exit strategy at Mapquest yielded mixed results: "The good news is that I found the most direct route from Iraq to the U.S. The bad news is that the estimated travel time is twenty years."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6562&srch=

 

[ybbor]

'Zero Tolerance for People,' Chertoff Says

In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.

The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots.

"We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message that the FAA has zero tolerance for people."

Mr. Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether.

"Let's face it, hair gel doesn't kill people," he said. "People kill people."

The Homeland Security Secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail Americans' ability to travel, but added, "On the plus side, that will make them easier for us to spy on."

The FAA's ban on people onboard flights raised questions for the nation's airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, their airplanes will be carrying.

But Davis Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of Minnesota, said that the FAA's crackdown on people could be a "win-win" for the airlines: "Maybe if the airlines don't have people to worry about, they can finally concentrate on getting our luggage to the right destination."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6566&srch=

 

[ybbor]

Calls Iranian President Ahmadinejad 'Evilerdoer'

Furious at Iran's decision to test-fire surface-to-surface missiles and push forward with its nuclear program, President George W. Bush today named Iran to a newly-formed "Axis of Eviler."

The president said that he had invented the new Axis specifically for Iran because "evil does not describe just how evil these folks really are."

Mr. Bush singled out Iranian Mahmud Ahmadinejad for special condemnation, calling the provocative head of state an "evilerdoer."

The president said that at first he was not sure whether "eviler" or "evilerdoer" were actually words, "but then I checked with [Secretary of Defense] Don Rumsfeld who assured me that they were."

While the promotion of Iran from the Axis of Evil to the Axis of Eviler drew no initial response from President Ahmadinejad, it sparked an angry reaction from North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, who said today, "North Korea will not sit idly by and allow another nation to be called eviler than it."

President Kim said that he would double the number of missile tests it conducts and ramp up its uranium enrichment program in the hopes of being named to what he called the "Axis of Evilest."

In Washington, reporters asked Mr. Bush if he had unintentionally ignited a competition between Iran and North Korea to see which nation could do eviler things.

Mr. Bush responded, "Mission accomplished."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=6571&srch=

 

[FriendlyFire]

This one actually real:

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb -- I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of -- I shouldn't call him my little brother -- my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida

 

[FriendlyFire]

Story from texas

While suturing a cut on the hand of an old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Gov. George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get there by himself, you know he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the dumb **** get down.”

 

[FriendlyFire]

This one is a dity

Spoiler :

clinton on his first blow job in the white house? “s#$% if the president of these united states cant get a little on the side, what hope is there for the rest of you?”

bush on his first blow job in the white house? “damn it dick, you didn’t have to hold the back of my head so hard, felt like i was going to choke and pass out

 

[Eukaryote]

Why is satire so entertianing and so cheesy at the same time?

 

[DBear]

http://www.azconservative.org/Semmens1.htm

JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Pluto Demoted, Bush Blamed

Aug. 31, 2006

Astronomers voted for a sweeping reclassification of the solar system. Pluto was demoted to the status of a “dwarf planet.” In the new solar system as defined by the International Astronomical Union, there are eight planets instead of nine.

The demotion of Pluto was seized on by the Democratic National Committee as another Bush Administration failure. “Not since the days of Herbert Hoover has our solar system had only eight planets,” said Howard Dean, DNC Chairman. “Bush has wrecked the economy, mismanaged the war on terror and, now, he’s lost an entire planet. Is there no end to the bungling of the worst president any country has ever had?”

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) asserted that the humiliation of the downgrading of the only planet discovered by an American was due to Bush’s diplomatic ineptitude. “I would have worked closely with our European allies to build the kind of international coalition necessary to avert tragedies like this,” Kerry proclaimed.

Dean urged voters to elect Democrats lest “they wake up one morning to discover that the Supreme Court has been reduced to eight members, baseball teams limited to eight players, and cats have only eight lives.

 

[Panda]

UnNews:Iran defies IAU, maintains that Pluto is a planet

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnNews:Iran_defies_IAU,_maintains_that_Pluto_is_a_planet

 

[Panda]

Regardless where your political affiliations lie, this is still a great tune. Coming from a metal head, that's saying a lot.

Depeche Mode: "John The Revelator"