The Story of 18 Civs; the Egyptian Version

[Pacifist46]

1555AD​

Hatshepsut must endure a certain Mongolian’s visit
HATSHEPSUT: I know Egypt is so much more pleasant to be in than Mongolia, but do you HAVE to be here all the time? Haven’t you got a horde to manage or something?
KHAN: My horde obeys all orders from Khan. It is presently waiting for my return, and I will therefore be brief; cease all trading with the stuck-up and malodorous Qin, or . . . erm, that’s it.
HATSHEPSUT: Do you really expect me to suddenly say Yes?
KHAN: No, but . . . oh, forget it, I’m already gone.

 

[Pacifist46]

1565AD​

A traveller brings interesting news to the Egyptian court
AY: I believe that in a distant land, a civilization known as America has been destroyed. Obviously someone fairly powerful, with a strong military.
HATSHEPSUT: Or it’s the Aztecs. Either way, that’s one less civilization I have to take down in the long run, yes?
AY: (sighs) I suppose so, my lady.

(Scythe enters)

SCYTHE: I just checked with General Gustavus; his lads are ready to invade Germany.
HATSHEPSUT: Yes! Frederick, I choose YOU now.
SCYTHE: Do you want him as a vassal?
HATSHEPSUT: It wouldn’t be worth the hassle.

 

[Pacifist46]

1570AD​

Scythe speaks quickly to Hatshepsut
SCYTHE: These city captures are becoming so common, they only merit a line or two now.
HATSHEPSUT: True enough. Essen was razed, you say?
SCYTHE: Every last brick.

 

[Pacifist46]

1580AD​

And more cities are razed
SCYTHE: The razing of Dortmund and Stuttgart, leave us with just Cologne and Frankfurt to go, and I recommend we keep them, if only to stop Elizabeth settling Scandinavia.
HATSHEPSUT: If I knew where Scandinavia was, I could make my own wise judgement on this - but as I don’t, I’ll just choose randomly. Yeah, let them live.

 

[Pacifist46]

1595AD​

The war continues
SCYTHE: The capture of Cologne leaves just one city for the Germans. They will shortly become extinct.
HATSHEPSUT: Even if they do something reeeeeeally stupid, like, I don’t know, vassalise themselves to Asoka, it doesn’t make any difference.
SCYTHE: Well, Asoka would be stupid to declare war on us again. It’s not going to happen.
AY: I bet I know what happens next.

 

[Pacifist46]

1600AD​

Ay’s prediction turns out true
HATSHEPSUT: Unbelievable! The Indians sacrifice themselves, for the sake of a city which will be captured anyway. I’ve never seen such a stupid man. Apart from you, Scythe.
SCYTHE: Hey, I’ve managed alright with the military.
HATSHEPSUT: Yes, but you couldn’t beat a daffodil at anything but bludgeoning someone’s brains out with a club.
AY: Which is, no doubt, the reason why he’s so highly regarded in this civilised state.
HATSHEPSUT: Yeah, unlike you, Ay. See, Egypt rewards talent, not art, maths, or whatever else you like to do. Get over it.
AY: Maybe I should look for a new job.
SCYTHE: Anyway, Timur has assembled his army of 19 Riflemen . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Riflemen? Already?
SCYTHE: Yeah, we’ve done Replaceable Parts and Rifling. What I was saying was . . . erm . . .
AY: 19 Riflemen.
SCYTHE: Yeah, 19 Riflemen, 23 Knights, 15 Trebuchets and a Maceman, all with at least 2 promotions, in Susa. He is ready to take the whole of the Indian heartland. I think he will probably split the troops again, and head north to Delhi, sending the other army south to Vijayanagra.
HATSHEPSUT: This is why I should have learned geography at school.
AY: You don’t know where Delhi is?
HATSHEPSUT: Of course not, but it’s not that. What’s the difference between North and South?

(Genghis enters)

KHAN: In Mongolia, they don’t know where Egypt is, unless they study History.
HATSHEPSUT: That’s tough talk coming from you, Genghis. At a guess; Open Borders?
KHAN: You want Open Borders?
HATSHEPSUT: No, but is that why you’re here?
KHAN: No, it’s why I was here. (Khan exits)

HATSHEPSUT: He’s learning. I think he’s learning.

 

[Pacifist46]

1615AD​

The military triumphs again
SCYTHE: The Indian capital of Delhi is ours now, and Asoka has fled to Bombay.
HATSHEPSUT: Fat lat of good that’ll do, seeing as we’re headed that way.
SCYTHE: Also, we have razed Vijayanagra to the south.
HATSHEPSUT: Nice going, but keep it up!
SCYTHE: And lastly, and perhaps most importantly, Gustavus has concluded his campaign against the Germans with the capture of Frankfurt. His army is shaken, but will soon head off north to the Russian border, where they will do a little plundering. They will have upgraded to Cavalry by then, so it’s just going to get easier.
HATSHEPSUT: And there was me, thinking it couldn’t get any easier . . . Bang! It just did.

 

[Pacifist46]

1625AD​

A fairly unimportant city is taken out
SCYTHE: The Indians settled the former site of Calcutta with a city called Ayodha, but this city too has now been razed.
HATSHEPSUT: Fair play to our knights.

 

[Pacifist46]

1635AD​

The war goes successfully again
SCYTHE: With the capture of Bombay, the capture of Varanasi, and the razing of Indraprastha, the Indian cities have been almost thrown off the Indian peninsula for good. The city of Agra now stands between two mountains, and also us and the Chinese.
HATSHEPSUT: What? We’re nearing Qin’s land?
SCYTHE: Yes, Qin is but a mere 6 leagues away. I assume he is our target after Asoka and Catherine are finally eradicated?
HATSHEPSUT: Yup. I’ll save Mongolia for last.
SCYTHE: In that case, I just wanted to check; you haven’t forgotten about England, have you?
HATSHEPSUT: I’m saving England for the VERY last. The order of destruction after India goes: China – Mongolia – Japan – Undiscovered Civs – England. Have I missed any?
SCYTHE: I don’t think so, no.

 

[Pacifist46]

1640AD​

More news from the frontier
SCYTHE: My lady, Gustavus II Adolphus and one of his fellow Cavalry were pillaging Russian lands, when they happened upon the city of Vladivostok, defended only by 2 Longbows. With 75% of success each, they won through and razed the city.
HATSHEPSUT: Oh yeah! Never in doubt.

 

[Pacifist46]

1655AD​

Scythe reports again
SCYTHE: My lady, Timur has captured Agra, and now nothing stands between us and Chinese soil.
HATSHEPSUT: What I can’t believe is, why isn’t Asoka ready to capitulate? I’m going to let him live, unlike Catherine, who had her chance. Why does no-one want to become a vassal of Egypt?
AY: I can’t begin to understand, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: No worries, just keep up the war. We’ll win eventually.

 

[Pacifist46]

1660AD​

And the Indians lose more land
SCYTHE: My lady, a group of freelance Rifles and Cavalry have captured Bangalore, north east of Lahore. The Indians just can’t stand up to our power.
HATSHEPSUT: If they could, guess who’d be out of a job?

 

[Pacifist46]

1665AD​

Asoka has the news for which Hatshepsut has been waiting for
ASOKA: Enough! This war simply cannot go on. My people are dying, the Russians have deserted us, and, erm . . . well, a third thing would have sounded good, but I can’t think right now. I offer Capitulation, and place India into servitude under the Egyptians.
HATSHEPSUT: And?
ASOKA: And what?
HATSHEPSUT: I want more.
ASOKA: Why you – I mean, OK, I suppose I could offer you the city of Madurai, 310 Gold and the World Map. But that is all, you greedy daughter of – I mean, my lady Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Now THAT’S a deal. And most of the War Weariness has gone! Now we just need to crush the Russians – not too hard. I’d ask you to join us, Asoka, but you’re too weak.
ASOKA: I am just glad you have accepted, Hatshepsut. (Asoka exits)

HATSHEPSUT: Ha! SUCKER!

(Asoka pops his head round the door)

ASOKA: What was that?
HATSHEPSUT: Nothing.
ASOKA: Funny . . . it sounded like Ha! SUCKER!
HATSHEPSUT: Well you obviously misheard.
(Asoka exits)
HATSHEPSUT: Ha! SUCKER!

 

[Pacifist46]

1670AD​

The full force is turned on the Russians
SCYTHE: Khabo – Khoba – Khorba – Khabrov – oh, some crappy little Russian city has been razed.
AY: Khabarovsk?
SCYTHE: Shut up, Ay.

 

[Pacifist46]

1680AD​

The mauling continues
SCYTHE: The city of Orenburg is now but a pile of rubble on the edge of Russian lands.
HATSHEPSUT: There shouldn’t BE any Russian lands left.

 

[Pacifist46]

1685AD​

And continues
SCYTHE: Smolensk is no more, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Keep on going, Scythe. You should know that by now.

 

[Pacifist46]

1690AD​

And the war is interrupted by Elizabeth
HATSHEPSUT: I haven’t seen you in ages.
ELIZABETH: No, I find Egypt horrid, I avoid it when possible.
HATSHEPSUT: I know what you mean – it’s the same with me and China.
ELIZABETH: Enough talk. England wants Open Borders with your, erm . . . Empire, and so if you could just sign here . . .
HATSHEPSUT: In that case, no, I can’t sign, my erm . . . wrist is broken.
ELIZABETH: You’d better not be lying to me, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Would I dare?
ELIZABETH: No, you wouldn’t. Fair enough then. But I’ll be back when it’s better.
HATSHEPSUT: That’ll be never.

 

[Pacifist46]

1695AD​

Hatshepsut is informed of more captures
SCYTHE: We have captured Thracian and Krasnoyarsk, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, I don’t want either of them. They both suck.
SCYTHE: OK, I’ll raze them both.
KHALID: I noticed that there was an option to give Thracian to the Indians, my lady.
HATSHEPSUT: And why would I want to give free stuff to the Indians? I’m stingy, you know.
KHALID: Well, you’re not using it. It will boost relations with Asoka, although in reality, it’s worse than useless to him, but he’ll have to politely accept.
HATSHEPSUT: Ha! It’s a Win – Lose situation here. Win for us, Lose for Asoka.
AY: I thought you were supposed to be kind to your vassals.
HATSHEPSUT: Hahaha! That’s’ the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m nice to Louis, because he could cancel the deal any time. Asoka can’t, so I can be harsh to him, you see? Where’s the fun in being KIND?
AY: Yet again, your perceptiveness astounds me, my lady.

 

[Pacifist46]

1705AD​

Egpyt is, predictably, the most powerful Civ in the world
HATSHEPSUT: And Qin is languishing in third, behind an Unknown! What a loser.
KHALID: The list was completed with Louis fourth . . .
HATSHEPSUT: Seriously? You mean Khan is less powerful than my vassal?
KHALID: Khan fifth . . .
HATSHEPSUT: What actually is his strategy? He’s weak in all areas.
KHALID: Tokugawa sixth, Elizabeth seventh and an unknown civ eighth.
HATSHEPSUT: Meaning Asoka and Catherine are off the list, Not surprising, as I’ve just given them a pounding.
SCYTHE: Ooh! Speaking of Catherine, we razed her capital, Alemanni, today, and we just have the city of Bryansk left.
HATSHEPSUT: And then we regroup in Agra before our duel with Qin. Easy.

 

[Pacifist46]

1715AD​

Asoka visits
HATSHEPSUT: Hello, puny mortal. Come to worship your goddess master?
ASOKA: I don’t have a goddess master, I have you, Hatshepsut.
HATSHEPSUT: Well, what do you want?
ASOKA: A mere Open Borders.
HATSHEPSUT: I suppose I could grant you that, as long as you behave yourself. Now go and play on your own.
ASOKA: I suppose I asked for this (Asoka exits)

SCYTHE: We finished the Russians off when Gustavus II Adolphus personally rode into Bryansk and killed Catherine. They are no more.
HATSHEPSUT: I bet no-one mourns for her. You lads would mourn for years if I died, is it not so?
ADVISORS: Oh yes, of course we would, Your Majesty.
HATSHEPSUT: Right. We have researched Steel by now, surely?
AY: Along with Steam Power and Scientific Method, yes.
HATSHEPSUT; Good! We’re got a proper Industrial army then. Cannons, Cavalry and Rifles. Qin still has Muskets. China must fall . . .
To be continued . . .