Discussion in 'Civ4 - Stories & Tales' started by MaxWar, Nov 1, 2011.
Edit: HAHAHA NOW ALL OF YOU WILL GO BACK AND LOOK AT WHAT I AGREED WITH!!!!!!
What if I remember?
Link to video.
Hey there everyone! You know what day it is today right? Yes, It is Sunday! Well, at least in many cultures...
However in RandomLand today is known as NewEpisodeDay!
Yes thats right! I will begin working on it shortly.
In the meantime i just updated the original intro post with an awesome splash screen and a table of content! You are free to go back to first post and Rate the new intro on a scale of 10 if you like.
@HopeliteJoe: btw watching that video was a near torture
And Hooray, an update is coming
That's my childhood you are insulting!
Hey, im not insulting! I did my best and watched the whole thing!
There are some good parts to it actually, like when its finally over
That guy sleeping with his teddy at the beginning was priceless.
And now i have it sticking in my head "Tragedy!" \(o_o)/
Ill go listen to a part of my own childhood and it should fix it!
Link to video.
wait.. what video is this?
Episode 11: Public enemy #1.5
Brace yourself for another action packed trip in RandomLand! The place where Cows! can rule nations and where Mansa dances to some 90s pop hit before morphing into a Cat!
In this Episode, Warfare against Victoria hits a new level of Ferocity and the quest to avenge the porks! becomes a nation wide obsession as the original culprits commit even more mishchief!
Here's what happened:
We left the last episode with our first lost battle in this war, during the siege of Oxford. We also had this now viral picture of Mansa Dancing to his favorite song...
To more important matters; according to a recent study by Thucydides, it would seem we are the largest nation in RandomLand!
Being a large nation does have some drawbacks though... Such as criminality. Hungry brigands thought it would be funny to steal some food near Bombay... How much you wanna bet that they are English? Anyway, we leave this to local authorities as we have some cows! to take care of!
But wait.... NOOOooo!! Those horrible Archers! Doing those things to our poor porks! was not enough for them!!! ...Now they get to burn our rice fields! Worst thing is the garrisoned longbowman of Edirne cannot be allowed to leave his post and we have no spare troops in the immediate area! AAAaaargh! Asoka declares these bowmen public enemy #1.5 , right after the first half of Victoria!
The deployment of forces in southern England follows its course. Reinforcement are still coming while The siege of Hasting is going as planned. Our catapults are almost done grinding the defenses to dust
Then a totally unexpected good news! That good ol'mountain near Istanbul had some hidden secrets! Silver has been found!
That's it! Hasting is ripe for Assault! Our catapults rain death on the defenders while Abdul the Helliphant! rider leads the charge on the enemy!
The initial Charge was glorious! The battered and technologically lagging English army was decimated but their shear numbers prevented us from taking the city immediately. Just as we are getting ready for the final assault, our scientists manage to unlock the secrets of Optics!
This is of great significance to us because it will allow us to answer one of the most elusive questions of all: What exactly is in the great black void...?
Ever since we know that RandomLand is actually a Ball floating in the cosmos, there was this part of the ball that we know nothing about. It is called; the Great black void!
This discovery is celebrated throughout RandomLand, fireworks are used, borders are expanding... Celebrations go as far as Spain, where a new ritual called "running with the bull" is growing in popularity! No doubt to honor the holy cows! of India. ( I told you RandomLand had this thing with cows!)
While we do not want to give off this technology before we have taken advantage of it ourselves, we feel it could be a good thing to put the first part of it for sale. Before we know it, Gilgy has an interesting offer!
Our brave general, Abdul, keeps going with the assault of Hastling. The gap he creates with his Helliphant! charge allows our brave Lumberjacks to rush in the city and annihilate the remaining defenders. Its a great Victory!
And what do we find hiding in there? The Temple of Solomon! We are always in need of more Bling!
Then we get ready for the next target: The disgusting city of Liverpool!
But first...The moment is finally there. REVENGE!!!
Mwahahahaha! Die evil archers! Be sent in the Bull Arena, then tortured to near death, then flip a coin, be either impaled or burned alive in the cow! of death!
Good lords, that felt good... But wait a second here... What is this...? The Englishmen are entering our territory with an attack force? They are nearing Istanbul, which has only a minimal garrison?
Our taskforce once in the area was actually just sent further to the north in a totally silly and ******** mission aiming to appear at the back of Victoria's empire and inflict damage to improvements from there... (It seemed a good idea at the time) Now we need to find a solution to this! They cannot be allowed to capture the City of Istanbul NOOO!!!
We could probably rush some minute defenses in Istanbul and scavenge the bowmen from nearby cities... But the only totally reliable plan is actually asking a peace treaty to the Vicious B!tch!... ( there is no realoading in RandomLand , so taking risks is serious. )
But we can't just beg her for peace now can we? And we still have to capture more cities!!
Thats it! We will just rush the next city! Rape her thoroughly in this single turn then she will beg for peace herself!!! !!!
Woohoo! It worked! Now... Victoria, spit some gravy if you want to live!!!
Here you go girl!! That's the way we like you! Now take your filthy troops out of our land and make room for ten turns would you? By then we should have finally stopped laughing and be ready to punch a new hole through your dignity!
To be continued!
Nice Update! COW OF DEATH Although I think that Istanbul could have held off the troops with 2 Longbows
Edit: Actually, that would have been more like "great update" wouldn't it ?
That is exactly what I thought as I posted it.
Good update MaxWar, really like it.
Anyway, i think you are right here, 2 longbows should have done the trick, but not 100% trust-able strategy though, and as i said i dont reload . I could have managed 3-4 Longbows by using whip and by scavenging from other cities though and would pretty much have had a totally reliable defense. I Kinda panicked for a second when Victoria moved that stack i admit . However, i gotta say i am kinda happy with how it turned out. I got free technologies and cash, didn't need to whip or get some of my cities without garrison... I'll just get my front healed and strengthened in the next ten turns, then...
True, weird as I just realized the similarity of the situation in my diety game (Albeit a lot worse in that game )
Episode 12 : Fear my Helliphants SoD!!
Wow was it really two weeks since last update?! I wonder what happened... MoM kept me very busy...
Anyway, Welcome back to RandomLand!! Yes Yes!! A brand new episode today!
In this new episode, more totally random goodness! Just the way you like it! Then, if this was not awesome enough in itself... Something happens... Something so horrible its almost unsuitable for this forum...
Vicky gets gang-banged!! ( No horses! involved i assure you)
Only one cow! and a bunch of Helliphants! lol
Here's what happened:
We quit the last episode as the Vicious Victoria paid us a premium price for peace. Not to mention that her unsuspected-out-of-nowhere army sort of scared the crap out of Asoka, but that's not the official version so just go with the former
Ok, just as we were forced into an unwilling peace with Victoria celebrating Victoria's shameful tribute for peace, we finally completed a long anticipated marvel called the forbidden Palace! For some unknown reason we felt compelled to build it right in the middle of Beijing. Its not really forbidden for real but if you go there they will cut off you nuts and keep you prisoner so dont go! You've been warned! And if you don't have nuts, its scarcely better really as you are likely to end up being rape-stock for the rest of your life so please dont go!!! However this place allows us to save 21 gold on our current government expenditure, which is great! Its not from "nut sales" or any other kind of shady business I swear, so please dont ask me how it works...
In the meantime we received some bad news...
It appears Isabella had colonized the no-name island south of our capital... We were actually planning to build a city there really soon! She just ruined our plans! AHhh the Evil Bitc... Pious Woman! She sure can recognize a pretty city spot when she sees one!
Having Victoria pay us tribute for peace sure sounded like a good idea at the time but we had not counted on the cultural revolts ensuing from London not being ours yet! Now Die Victoria!! Ohh.... we have to wait 10 turns before we declare again, Damit...
Now finally witness the genius behind Asoka's city placement strategy. Our urban planning allows our ships to cross the great puddle that sits in the middle of RandomLand and save years on upcoming around-the-world trips! Its like the panama canal but only twice as great, minus the decades of hard work and bankruptcy. And yes, we finally have caravels and will be able to scout the great black void!
Now we finally managed to invent the Guilds! Those guild people are pretty smart and had the bright idea of putting a metal clad big man atop a warhorse ftw. Gawd, why did nobody think to do this before?! *facepalm*
Then we receive the visit of our favorite pet Mansa:
<Mansa> Its A tragedy!!!
<Asoka>What is a tragedy Mansa?
<Mansa> We dont have Guild yet!
<Asoka> Ohhh, there you go then.
Then Gilgy comes over:
<Gilgy> Now you will have to trade this with us...
<Asoka> And why?
<Asoka> Ok ok, alright...
Then Mansa again... :
<Mansa> Its Terrible!
<Asoka> You mean its a tregedy?
<Mansa> I can't read whats on my paper!
<Asoka> Its because you need Glasses Mansa!
<Asoka> Now give us that paper and go get yourself a pair of glasses.
Then on faithful turn 266 something faithful happens. Isabella Declares war on Victoria!!
What?? Hey Izzy! Victoria is ours! How do you dare! Want to steal our future land you too? I declare to Victoria!!! AArrgh damit i cant 10 turns treaty is still at work...
Ohh.. and yes, they also robbed us of Sistine chapel...
Now just look at this... you give Mansa optics and next thing you know, a couple turns later he's got caravels all over the place... Hopefully he wont be a bad cat and rob us of our rightful right to the +1-ship-speed-bonus-from-having-proved-the-world-is-round Bonus.
We also are just done researching banking, which will soon allow us to adopt some of our favorites civics!
Will go like this, Representation + mercantilism. Oh we love this ( we = Me and Asoka, or is it Me as Asoka... Or I, Asoka! ... )
Next turn Izzy captures York... AArrrgh!!! It was mine!!! Fear not Victoria! The 10 turns treaty is over and i am coming to save you from the Spanish! I will not let her capture all you cities i promise!
If it was not enough... Izzy and her Wretched AP has voted a worldwide Gangbang on Victoria!!! Now Gilgy and Even Mansa ( god forgive him) will want to have their go on the Cow! Queen!! SHE WAS OURS!! AAArrrgggh!!!
Now Vicky, just give us some workers! We'll use them for your own good we promise!
Now Vicky, just give us some cities! Its much better if we have them than Isabella we promise!
Talking of cities, we just built a couple new one ourselves! This wilderness needs to be tamed! And better us than Gilgy!
Then Mansa Comes over:
<Mansa> Its horrible!
<Asoka> Whats happening Mansa!
<Mansa> Do you think my crown is too small?
<Asoka> Its just fine Mansa, any bigger and your head might be pushed in under the weight!
<Mansa> O please trade me gold against clams! I need gold to make it bigger!
<Asoka> Are you nuts? Gold against those jellyballs inside a hollow rock? We already have then anyway, see?
*Asoka shows an clam*
<Asoka> Now Fetch!
*Asoka throws clam*
*Mansa gallops after the clam*
<Asoka> Good boy!!
Now lets see what you've got London!! Fear my Helliphants SoD!!
But ... wait, what is this? Izzy is also coming with her own Helliphant SoD?!!
Get off Bitc... this city is belong to me!!! This pious woman certainly can recognize a good conquest spot when she sees one!!
Quick! Send reinforcements! She cannot be allowed to get this city!!
Then the Bitc... robs us of University of Sankore!!! AAArrggh!! We definitely are starting to have unhealthy feelings toward izzy!
Here we come, the fatefull moment... Who is gonna get London... I, Asoka or the Devious Izzy...
<Asoka> By the nine! The suspence is killing me!
<Maxwar> Where the hell did you get this quote from?
<Asoka> Uh? are you talking to me?
<Maxwar> Wait.. are you... ahh..
To be continued
No, nice update! One could even call it... a great update!
An I at gilgy's one vulture there, living up to it's name I see...
Separate names with a comma.