When someone denies his/hers wife/husband/partner sex for a long time

[Bud2998]

One spouse refusing to have sex in a marriage while the other spouse wants sex is a point of contention similar to two spouses of different religions marrying and arguing over which religion they're going to indoctrinate their child into. Fact is, a relationship where two individuals have very different interests in sex won't work out very well because it's going to leave one unsatisfied and the other frustrated by the former's desire for sex so much.

Is it okay for the unsatisfied spouse to have sex with another individual? I suppose it's up to the other spouse to decide, but personally I'd say no as I find sex is generally something which comes with an emotional bond and one spouse sharing that with another individual could potentially threaten the pre-existing emotional bond in the marriage. If you can't work out this issue and compromise in some way, and you can't go without having sex, then the marriage is already forfeited in my eyes. This isn't exactly one of those issues which will just blow over in a few months after all.

 

[MobBoss]

You've got to love a thread where Mobboss and Lucy argue whether it's good enough that someone gets you off, or whether they should want to get you off!

Way I see it, its part of marriage/going out with smeone, refusing it for a reasonable amount of time and for reasonable reasons is fine, but the other person always has the option to walk away. It is something you legitimately expect from your partner. Legally, witholding it is grounds for divorce.

Nice to see you argee with me. Now Lucy can argue with you too.

 

[RedRalph]

Nice to see you argee with me. Now Lucy can argue with you too.

I more-or-less do. We would probably quibble on minor points (I haven't read the whole thread, so you could have made some insane religious point that I haven't seen), but of what I've read you are basically correct

 

[LucyDuke]

Never met an arguement you couldnt over dramaticize could you?

Point being, I am not referring to that either. I am talking about normal people. Its NORMAL for a married couple to have sex on a regular basis. Imagine that.

You make the strawmen, I'll do the hyperbole.

You're trying to paint it as odd that I do not want to have sex with someone that's doing it just for me. Maybe you just don't understand. Too bad, if we weren't a PG-13 forum, I could illustrate this better.

Of course it's normal for couples to screw. What may be normal but is certainly objectionable (to me and to others in this thread) is the notion of one-way sex.

Not really.

Joke. Relax.

I dont think its abhorrent for a spouse to expect sex in a marriage at all. I find it odd that you do.

Now now, don't get carried away. You replied to this:

You're saying a loving wife should pleasure her husband for the sake of pleasuring her husband, her sexual desires be damned.

with "I said spouse!" So wife needs to get hubby off even if she doesn't want to, and hubby needs to get wife off even if he doesn't want to? That is abhorrent. Sex is a reasonable expectation, but only when everybody involved is involved because they want to give and get.

No, it's about whether it's ok to want your spouse to want to have sex with you, given that they agree to. And if they don't, whether it's ok to work together to figure out why that is.

This really isn't that big of a deal. It can be boiled down to, "If one spouse wants sex a lot less/more than another, they should talk about it and figure out a way that they can both be happy, while fulfilling their marital responsibilities and satisfying each other." Does anyone here really have a problem with talking about it? Because that's the main thing that's being recommended.

Well yeah, I guess that's the thread. But there's a subtext of what I described.

The problem I have is this terrible idea that there's some kind of duty to have sex. On a grand scale within a marriage, okay, maybe, but break it down any finer than that and it's a load of crap.

You've got to love a thread where Mobboss and Lucy argue whether it's good enough that someone gets you off, or whether they should want to get you off!

Look, if somebody wants to, fine, good for them. This subquibble stemmed from me saying I don't like one-way sex. That's not something I will be involved with. If y'all're cool with it, and so are your partners, well, power to you, you weirdos.

 

[MobBoss]

Look, if somebody wants to, fine, good for them. This subquibble stemmed from me saying I don't like one-way sex. That's not something I will be involved with. If y'all're cool with it, and so are your partners, well, power to you, you weirdos.

Heh, maybe you just have never had really good one way sex.

I have had both: bad one way sex that makes you feel like crap because you took advantage of your partner and great one way sex when your partner knows they arent going to have an orgasm, but want to really show you a great time. If your relationship is good enough to were the good one way sex is ok with everyone, then more power to you. Fwiw, I think thats what married life is about...giving to that extent to one either regardless of your own needs. I certainly know both my wife and I are far happier with each other by changing our attitude in regards to it.

 

[Narz]

The idea that there's some medical issue or 'something wrong with someone' if they don't want to have sex.

Most of the time this is so, IMO. Granted there is a very small percentage of the population who is mostly asexual but it's very small. Many people who've suffered sexual abuse can have sexual issues that may cause them to want to avoid sex but if you consider psychology issues "medical" (which this culture does) then yes, it's still a symptom of a problem (assuming a month long lack of interest).

Are you saying you believe complete disinterest in sex is generally the sign of a healthy individual?

 

[LucyDuke]

Heh, maybe you just have never had really good one way sex.

I have had both: bad one way sex that makes you feel like crap because you took advantage of your partner and great one way sex when your partner knows they arent going to have an orgasm, but want to really show you a great time. If your relationship is good enough to were the good one way sex is ok with everyone, then more power to you. Fwiw, I think thats what married life is about...giving to that extent to one either regardless of your own needs. I certainly know both my wife and I are far happier with each other by changing our attitude in regards to it.

There's my dear patronizing Mobby, as always.

Yeah, it's possible I've just never had good one-way sex, I guess, since my partner being into it (not necessarily having an orgasm, just being enthusiastic and deriving sexual pleasure) and my reciprocity to my partner is a fundamental part of my own enjoyment of the activity. Kind of hard to enjoy something you disagree with. "Being pampered" turns me off, no matter how much the pamperer enjoys it. Sex is supposed to be cooperative, and in my experience that's even truer with a lover than with a fling. That is, I think that if I find myself married I'll be even less receptive to the one-way than I am now. But hey, who knows, maybe when I'm 50 you'll be right. Either way I'm glad you're happy with whatever the hell y'all're doing!

 

[LucyDuke]

Are you saying you believe complete disinterest in sex is generally the sign of a healthy individual?

I don't think it's a sign of an unhealthy individual, any more than being really tall or enjoying birdwatching.

 

[Narz]

I don't think it's a sign of an unhealthy individual, any more than being really tall or enjoying birdwatching.

Not necessarily but generally if someone (with a partner they were once attracted to) decides they don't want to have sex anymore it's the sign of some sort of issue (either hormonal, psychological or with the other party).

Out of 100 people who say "ok that's it, I'm giving up sex!" 99 are probably saying it for a less than balanced/healthy reason. That doesn't mean they should be compelled to give up their stance but if you're friends with (or married to ) a person like this you should at least ask why as opposed to just accepting it at face value.

 

[MobBoss]

There's my dear patronizing Mobby, as always.

Yeah, it's possible I've just never had good one-way sex, I guess, since my partner being into it (not necessarily having an orgasm, just being enthusiastic and deriving sexual pleasure) and my reciprocity to my partner is a fundamental part of my own enjoyment of the activity. Kind of hard to enjoy something you disagree with. "Being pampered" turns me off, no matter how much the pamperer enjoys it. Sex is supposed to be cooperative, and in my experience that's even truer with a lover than with a fling. That is, I think that if I find myself married I'll be even less receptive to the one-way than I am now. But hey, who knows, maybe when I'm 50 you'll be right. Either way I'm glad you're happy with whatever the hell y'all're doing!

Well, managing ones love life was certainly easier before you have kids, multiple jobs, mortages, bills, etc. etc. What I am referring to occurred more out of necessity than desire - that is, if we wanted to keep that part of our marriage going (and we did because we both felt it important). When ones life is hectic in those child rearing/job priority years, you take what opportunities you can and being patient and giving to each other goes a long, long way to eliminate what could otherwise be an additional stress point in your life.

 

[Narz]

Well, managing ones love life was certainly easier before you have kids...

Understatement of the year.

 

[warpus]

What I find works best with my wives is designated "sexual tension relief" time-slots that you can opt out of if you'd rather do the dishes. There is a chamber in our house specifically designed for this purpose; it houses a fleshlight as well as a number of female-oriented sex toys, in case your partner happens to be doing the dishes at the time of the scheduled "encounter".

Any sex had outside of the designated time slots is tracked in a sex-management system that keeps track of the sexual satisfaction of all martial partners. These are displayed for all to see on a large LCD display in the kitchen, for reasons of transparency and sexual well-being of all.

 

[MobBoss]

What I find works best with my wives is designated "sexual tension relief" time-slots that you can opt out of if you'd rather do the dishes. There is a chamber in our house specifically designed for this purpose; it houses a fleshlight as well as a number of female-oriented sex toys, in case your partner happens to be doing the dishes at the time of the scheduled "encounter".

Uhm. You said 'wives' as in plural. You dog you.

Any sex had outside of the designated time slots is tracked in a sex-management system that keeps track of the sexual satisfaction of all martial partners. These are displayed for all to see on a large LCD display in the kitchen, for reasons of transparency and sexual well-being of all.

I see a disturbing lack of spontaniety here. Seriously, having to schedule whack-a-mole time like that just seems crazy to me. I sure hope your kidding, cause that just sounds so sad to me.

 

[Elrohir]

Well yeah, I guess that's the thread. But there's a subtext of what I described.

The problem I have is this terrible idea that there's some kind of duty to have sex. On a grand scale within a marriage, okay, maybe, but break it down any finer than that and it's a load of crap.

That's pretty close to what I've been saying all along!

I'm not saying you have a duty to your spouse to have sex ALL THE TIME, or at any given moment - just in general, enough to reasonably satisfy their needs, which should be worked out between the two of you. It doesn't make you a bad spouse if you aren't ready to have sex the second your partner feels like it - but I really do think that it does make you, at the very least, an inconsiderate one if you refuse to have sex with them often enough to make them happy, without a valid reason.

I think this thread needs to die already. Too much talking, not enough substantial disagreement for it to remain interesting.

 

[warpus]

I see a disturbing lack of spontaniety here. Seriously, having to schedule whack-a-mole time like that just seems crazy to me. I sure hope your kidding, cause that just sounds so sad to me.

Our systems are not as dissimilar as you might think - You're used to having sex when you don't feel like it as well.

The ultimate goal here is to promote sexual well-being, satisfaction, and a healthy marriage. Who cares about the details of the arrangement as long as the sexual needs of all partners are met, making the marriage stronger?

 

[MobBoss]

Our systems are not as dissimilar as you might think - You're used to having sex when you don't feel like it as well.

The difference being my being there for my wife adds to our intimacy. You using your fleshlight - not so much.

The ultimate goal here is to promote sexual well-being, satisfaction, and a healthy marriage.

I would say the ultimate goal is to grow intimacy between the spouses.

Who cares about the details of the arrangement as long as the sexual needs of all partners are met, making the marriage stronger?

I dont necessarily think your arrangement makes the marriage stronger.

 

[warpus]

The difference being my being there for my wife adds to our intimacy. You using your fleshlight - not so much.

My wives hate doing the dishes - the fleshlight hasn't been used in months.

I dont necessarily think your arrangement makes the marriage stronger.

The LCD display in my kitchen says otherwise.

 

[Narz]

So you really have a fleshlight?

 

[holy king]

do you laugh at women for having dildos?

 

[warpus]

So you really have a fleshlight?

I named it Narz!