Why fat women should not wear thongs.

[The Last Conformist]

The most bizarre story I've seen in a while:

HUBBY DIES AFTER SEEING FAT WIFE IN THONG UNDIES


By NED NEARSON

SUPER-SIZE ugly duckling Sarah Martin "stopped her husband's heart and killed him dead" when she surprised him in a pair of skimpy thong undies, say cops.

"The sight of the blubbery babe with her bulging buttocks and cottage cheese thighs was so overwhelmingly horrible -- his heart literally exploded," says a coroner source.

Now, the 38-year-old, 330-lb. woman is being held without bond on suspicion of murder in the L.A. County Jail.

"Don't tell me she didn't realize what a repulsive and terrifying sight she was," says Detective Robert Cannon. "And she knew that her husband Marcus suffered from a heart condition.

"As far as I'm concerned, this was a cleverly planned, premeditated murder."

Cannon says Marcus' corpse had a look of terror frozen on its face.

"She might just as well have shot him -- the spectacle was that devastating," Cannon told reporters in Los Angeles.

"When we arrived at the scene after she called 911, the victim was flat on his back on the floor in their living room with his eyes bugged out like golf balls.

"Clearly he had seen something that no man was meant to see.

"And when we heard his wife sobbing in the kitchen and walked in to investigate, we knew what that 'something' was. Good God -- I thought my wife's sister was bad.

"I just about lost my lunch when I saw that blubbery butt and cottage cheese thighs.

"I said, 'Ma'am, I know this is a difficult time for you, but I've got to ask you to put on some clothes.' She waddled into her bedroom and covered herself up with a terry cloth bathrobe.

"She said, 'I wanted to do something special for our eighth wedding anniversary. I wanted to be sexy for him in my new thong.' "

A coroner confirmed that Marcus, 33, who had a history of heart disease, "suffered cardiac arrest resulting from the visual shock of seeing his wife in thong panties."

Sarah Martin, who doesn't have a tooth in her head, admits that she "may have come on a little strong" by bouncing out of their bedroom dressed in the panties and one of his white, button- down shirts, when he walked in the door after work.

"We haven't had sex since I gained all that weight after our wedding night," she sobbed to a detective. "I wanted to make him happy."

Friends of the dead man say sex with his wife was the last thing Martin had on his mind.

"He told me that she was pretty hot before they got married," says one pal who asked that his name not be used. "But once she got a ring on her finger, all she wanted to do was stuff her face.

"Not only did she pork up like a hippo, all of her teeth fell out. She's got one of those mustaches that middle-aged women in their 40s get, too -- and she's only 29."

Sarah, who insists the death was an accident, says she video-taped her "surprise" so she and her hubby could relive the magical moment. But cops believe she knew what she was doing and call it "a calculated, coldblooded killing."

Linky

 

[Yom]

It's not that bizzare, given the source. This is from the people that brought you bat boy. Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

 

[Bluemofia]

Odd. Looks can kill after all.

 

[SeleucusNicator]

Hush. It's funnier when the foreigners don't know about the WWN.

Anyway, you'd think that, by that time, having lived with her for so long, he'd be a bit de-sensivized to the more visually disturbing aspects of his wife's fatness, no?

 

[A'AbarachAmadan]

Odd. Looks can kill after all.

Now that's a good one!

 

[Elrohir]

It's obviously fake.

That said, it's as funny as heck.

 

[stormbind]

Every aspect of this story is just inconceivable

 

[SeleucusNicator]

It reminds me of the time that The Onion ran an article about Congress threatening to move out of Washington DC unless a new capitol building was built, with modern features, ridiculous technological gimmicks, etc.

To an American audience, it was a clear parody of baseball teams that threaten to move unless the local government builds them a new stadium, but China actually took the story seriously and the state-run newspaper in China actually quoted the story as an example of American corruption and decadence.

 

[The Last Conformist]

It's obviously fake.

That said, it's as funny as heck.

That's why I posted it.

 

[TrailblazingScot]

I've dated worse

 

[GenMarshall]

I bet the guy had a heart attack after seeing a fat woman in thongs and said "OH MY GOD!!! MY EYES!!!!"

 

[blackheart]

Didn't WWN have its own show at some point?

 

[sourboy]

Shouldn't this be in the humor forum?

 

[Capulet]

Shouldn't this thread be moved to the Humor and Jokes section?

 

[GenMarshall]

Shouldn't this thread be moved to the Humor and Jokes section?

I am not sure if this belongs here or in humor .

 

[WS78]

Hum, maybe the guy who wrote this, shouldn't have used two differing ages of the fat woman. That would at least give it some (if not much) credibility.

 

[Mise]

Hum, maybe the guy who wrote this, shouldn't have used two differing ages of the fat woman. That would at least give it some (if not much) credibility.

Maybe when she was born, she was so fat that she had her official age raised 9 years.

 

[The Last Conformist]

Maybe when she was born, she was so fat that she had her official age raised 9 years.

You mean she was not merely born married, but was "hot" as a foetus?

 

[Rambuchan]

Odd. Looks can kill after all.

Sounds like this gal's got the potential to be a prolific serial killer!

 

[nonconformist]

Oh, I found a picture which would be appropriate here (but which I might be murdered for)..