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PRAVDA - The Empire's #1 For the Truth!
Riots in His Majesty's Prison! Trouble in Antarctica Continues
Prisoner riots in the Antarctica Prison continued for a fifth straight week Wednesday as Warden Terry Fallwell announced a martial law policy to shoot any prisoner out of his cell.
"You have shown through your crimes that you are not deserving of rights, and have shown through your conduct that you are not deserving of trust." He said in a live statement Wednesday.
This did little to combat the rioting, however. The riots were sparked by the what some have called brutal beating of Prisoner Daniel C. Craig, convicted of theft, which resulted in his death. Prisoners Rights' organisations have condemned the Antarctic government and have appealed to the King to restore order and peace. Repots from the Imperial City indicate that the King is tiring of Mr. Fallwell's service and may dismiss him soon.
Royal Budget Leaked, Shows Decline in GDP
A leaked copy of the Royal Budget has indicated that worldwide GDP has dropped slightly by .1%. In the report, the Ministry of Economic Planning is particularly concerned by a downturn in revenue and an increase in income inequality and issued recommendations to increase taxes to fund additional social programs.
"In particular, the continued decline of the Western American Governorate is of particular concern, especially from a social welfare standpoint. Immediate action needs to be taken." the report said.
Outlawed "Sons of Lenin" Organisation Calls for Elections
The long-outlawed "Sons of Lenin" terrorist organisation continued its calls for elections via numerous postings on the Internets (specifically, the Imperial Internet and InternetAsia) and through pirate radio stations across the world.
"Long ago, philosophers realised that the people must rule themselves, or else all things fail." one posting said, which was promptly removed by the Ministry of Censorship.
"Indeed, and long ago this 'democracy' was responsible for the two bloodiest wars in human history. Our Empire has flourished in peace and prosperity and our King is to thank for this." A Royal Spokesman said.
Some Governorates do have limited popular participation, but polls indicate that few support the ousting of the royal family.
FOX NEWS - Fair and Balanced, Your #1 for News!
Our Glorious King, George, Once Again Does Something Perfect
Is it possible that our King could become more perfect? We asked this a week ago, and our investigation has revealed that indeed it is possible! In a statement on Wednesday, our Great King George, whom we all love and honour, decided in his infinite wisdom that all communication must be monitored in order to maintain the stability of our nation.
Predictably, liberal weenies are whining about the loss of civil liberties, but they only do so because they hate the Empire. Why don't they move back to the Soviet Union....oh wait, the Soviet Union willingly joined the Empire because even it realised that only through strong leadership can humanity prosper.
Royal Family Blesses Australia With Its Presence
The Royal Family boarded a flight to Australia Wednesday and arrived in the city of Sydney to huge crowds and fireworks.
"The people of Australia help to keep our Empire strong and advanced...I felt it best to tour this great continent in order to express the gratitude of the Royal Family to Australia for its continued loyalty." the King told us shortly after he arrived.
The Song of the Royal Family was played, and the King signed autographs for his fans.
Why Do Universal Healthcarists Hate Our People? - An Editorial
It is really quite an odd thing that many "Universal Healthcarists" proclaim loyalty to the Empire, considering how much they hate it. They should be stoned to death with the might of a thousand rocks before being publicly flogged for their traitorous nature.
But why do they hate our people? The answer is simple: They see our prosperity, and are jealous that their failed social policies suck. Their brains are the size of an incredibly microscopic pea, and have the processing capacity of a a fork.
Fox News - We Report, You Decide.
The Salt Lake Tribune - For Your Consideration
Petition by National Union of Scientists Rejected
A petition by the National Union of Scientists, calling for increased funding for the Space Program and other scientific ventures, has been rejected by the Imperial Family.
"Quite simply, there are more important things we can do with our money than study rocks in space." A spokesman for the Royal Family said. The NUS, however, was disappointed.
"Our Empire is glorious, and could be moreso if only the Royal Family would approve additional funding for the sciences."
They said they planned to increase the number of signatures on their next position, with a goal of 20 million.
Census der Imperium begins
The Imperial Census has begun! Census forms and Imperial Census Takers are travelling across the Empire in order to gain more information about its inhabitants. Please, report everything truthfully and as it really is, for such is your patriotic duty.
Roman Pride Festival in Sofia Raises $10.000 for Charity
A festival in the Eastern European city of Sofia was called a resounding success by its organisers in raising over $10.000 for the charity "Children with Dysterinia"
Togas and Ancient Gods were on display for all to see as people dressed in traditional garb partook in the food of the time, which included bread and wine.
The festival itself focused on themes from ancient history, including the celebrated Roman Empire (which expanded near Sofia). Sofia has long been recognised as the centre for Roman enthusiasm and study, and the Public Institute for Roman History said that the festival would also help to promote the study of Roman History throughout the Empire.
HM Imperial Region of Pacifica Australis
New Deep Sea Community Opens, Accepting Applications
Yet another Deep Sea Community has been constructed near Australia, and is now accepting applications. At least 1 applicant in a group must be over the age of 18 and have at least a Post-University education. A strict quota of 50% females 50% males will be enforced.
Please visit your local Cities on the Sea centre for more information.
King on Official Visit!
The King has visited Australia as a way of saying thanks for our loyalty to him. He landed at approximately 3 AM to a massive crowd of over 5 million well-wishers. Many people had been camping out for weeks in order to get a sight of His Majesty, and the feeling in the city is jubilant.
Gays Demand Equal Rights
A local Gay Rights organisation in Darwin has organised region-wide protests in an attempt to convince the government to allow gay marriage.
"We deserve equal rights, for we contribute to the wellbeing of Pacifica Australis and of the Empire." Dr. Robert L. Mubbard, the prominent scientist who originally championed sea-cities, said in a speech in Wellington on Wednesday.
Organisers say that the protest drew 4 million people across the region, while police say that number is more likely to be 2 million.
The Rising Sun Congovernorate
Road-to-Sakhalin Project Triples in Cost
In yet another setback for the government, the Road-to-Sakhalin project continues to increase in cost, now estimated to be well over $40 billion.
"We will get the cost under control." the leader of the project, Vladimir Guo, told the Japan Times on Thursday.
However, an unofficial opinion poll on the street indicates that 70% of the population believes that the project is more intended to line the pockets of a few organisers rather than actually construct a road (which many say would be a relatively simple thing to do)
Riots in Vladivostok City
Buildings were torched and cars overturned as riots among the homeless intensified on Monday.
"Ti know, mi just don't have no money, no home, no food...The Empire and the Council are failing us, man. What else can we do?" one protestor, who asked to remain anonymous, commented.
Indeed, the figures for the poor in Vladivostok are bleak. Over 25% of the population is unemployed and 30% are homeless. 15% have no access to clean water or food, and 10% have been in and out of the Imperial Prison.
The Royal Family has called upon the Council to take care of the issue.
Plague in Pyongyang
An outbreak of plague, a disease typically found only in Western North America, has been reported in Pyongyang by health authorities there.
"The problem is the absolute lack of sanitation here..." one doctor commented. "Without it, disease is able to spread incredibly rapidly."
Medical authorities said that they had the outbreak under control, but advised anyone with symptoms to report themselves into a hosptial for free treatment (treatment being provided for by local businessman Kim Al-Yong)
Rising Sun Corporation Announces New Wheat Seed
In exciting news, the Rising Sun Corporation has announced that it has developed a new wheat seed that will allow the staple food to be grown in such climates as even permafrost and tundra, so long as access to Rising Sun Corporation NutriFood(tm) is availible.
"This is great news for the Empires poor, for this means that they will be able to grow food no matter where they live."
Critics denounced it as a ploy to increase the corporations profits, however, noting that the new wheat will *only* grow with the NutriFood(tm) product.
Imperial Principlaity of Greater New Wales
Study Finds 6% of Gifted Children Remain Undertested
An independent study has found that 6% of gifted children remain assigned to poorer castes due to culturally biased testing.
One Big Union
Group Petitions Alphas to allow "Communist Manifesto"
A group, known as the "Librarians for Income Equality", has requested that the Alphas officially allow the distribution and purchase of the old book the "Communist Manifesto", detailing an ancient ideology of "workers liberation".
At present, pirated copies have flooded grey markets, but the book remains banned due to an old law by the previous Governorate.
Housing Block Collapses in Washington City
Improper maintinence and poor building materials is being blamed on the collapse of a section of housing in Washington City, killing 24 occupants and leaving 400 homeless.
Imperial Province of Siberia
Uranium Discovery Causes Boomtimes in Small Tatarsk
The discovery of nearby uranium deposits has propelled the small town of Tatarsk, normally a village of 400, to the size of 10,000 and has virtually eradicted the poverty problem that once existed there.
"It is wonderful - food is plentiful again, my children are going to quality schools, and investors have recently paid for all the villages' housing to be improved! Praise!" one of the original residents, who requested to remain anonymous, told us.
Uranium is an extremely important resource in powering nuclear devices such as cars, consumer electronics, and other things.
Tri-River Company
Jews, Muslims Pray at Dome of the Rock
Jews and Muslims came together once again to pray at the Dome of the Rock for the well-being of all.
"It is really silly to think that we used to hate each other so much, even to the point of blowing ourselves up. Allah would obviously never condone such behaviour." One prominent Islamic religious leader told us.
The prayer, of course, went by peacefully and without incident.
Al-Arabijah Corporation Split by Court Order
The Al-Arabijah Corporation, famous for its "Once You Pop, You Can't Stop!" jingle for its KokainDrink, has been split up by court order.
"They simply grew too much and were stagnating competition. Other soft drinks could not enter the market." Judge Leo Stewart said as he gave the ruling.
KokainDrink is now the property of Al-Rikanah Corporation.
Death of Prominent Atheist Raises Fears
The death of a prominent atheist and scientist in Baghdad has raised fears in the nonreligious community about their safety.
While officially only 10% of the Governorate of Tri-River is nonreligious, the numbers may be far larger as there is considerable underreporting due to strong social pressure to be religious.
Police have ruled the death of the atheist as a homicide and are investigating, but other prominent atheists have called upon the government to step in to promote tolerance.
In the meantime, emigration from Tri-River has increased 3 fold since the report of the atheist's death.
Ecumenical Confederation of Humankind
Buddhist Temple Fire Spreads to Residential District, Thousands Homeless in Chicago
A fire set to a Buddhist temple on Tuesday has spread to a residential district despite attempts by firefighters to control it, a spokesman for the government has said.
The fire, which is believed to be set by fundamentalists opposing religious tolerance, is especially strong due to the presence of various chemicals including Tetrachlorephaline and Hydrooxygenine, which firefighters said they detected on Wednesday.
Locals have begun a charity drive to build new homes for the newly homeless, and reports indicate that many of the homeless have temporarily moved in with others, especially others in their religious wards.
King Expresses Concern over Religious Intolerance
The King, known for being a Confucian, has called upon local leaders to promote religious tolerance in the Confederation.
Mercantile Union of South America
LeDepressija Corporation Offers Free Anti-Depressants to Combat Crime
As morale continues to remain low in the Mercantile Union, LeDepressija Corp. has begun to offer anti-depressants free to citizens across the entire nation as part of its effort to help reduce crime.
"Depression is a fact of life for many, and we only hope that we can help to combat it by our offering."
The offering was praised by local leaders and citizens, and it is estimated that 98% of the population has begun an anti-depressant regiment.
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Orders from the Royal Palace
FROM: HIS MAJESTY KING GEORGE XXVI
TO: Lucien Freud, One Big Union
SUBJECT: Poverty
BODY: The King is dismayed that the latest economic report from his ministries indicate that poverty remains abundant in the Big Union. He will be sending technical advisers to assess the situation and will be granting aid shortly, but he highly encourages you to deal with the situation yourself.
FROM: HIS MAJESTY KING GEORGE XXVI
TO: Imperial Prefect Vladimir Azariev, Siberia
SUBJECT: Uranium
BODY: The King has need for your uranium, and hence has chartered His Majesty's Uranium Corporation to be granted an exclusive monopoly on the newly found uranium deposits. Your Governorate will be compensated 90% market value.
FROM: HIS MAJETSY KING GEORGE XXVI
TO: Jarkan the Tikanyaikil, Ecumenical Confederation of Humankind
SUBJECT: Religion
BODY: I will be visiting your region shortly. Should there be any attempt at violation of my person due to your religious fanaticism, your province will regret it dearly.
FROM: HIS MAJETSY KING GEORGE XXVI
TO: Prince Imperial Alexander, Imperial Principality of Greater New Wales
SUBJECT: Money
BODY: The King, due to recent economic circumstances, requests that you increase the amount of money you ship to the Imperial City.
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and elsewhere, in a live broadcast....
Ye Olde World Empire
All Tremble Before the Might of the World Empire
Silence, ho! Ye Olde King George XXVI, Emperor of All the Realms, Inheritor to the Great Dynasty of China, General-Secretary of the United Nations, His Majesty of the Imperial Prison Colony of Antarctica, His Majesty the Lord Duke of the United Kingdom, and Ruler of All That You See, speaks!
Greetings, my fellow citizens. The past year has been filled with great excitement and change for the Empire. From the completion of the great Olympic Stadium in the Imperial City to the new Governors that now represent me to you, our people continue to adapt to rapidly changing times.
I, your sovereign, am tasked with the joy of ensuring that the Empire remains prosperous and brilliant. Our great Empire was founded so long ago by brave individuals who desired a greater freedom, freedom from the warring states and freedom from the violence that had plagued humanity during those times.
Today we know virtually no conflict, and have not been blighted by war in over five hundred years.
Maintaining our security is the most important function that I may provide to you, my faithful subjects, for without security we may not prosper and move bravely forward into the future as a united nation.
To that end, I am announcing the formation of the Ministry of Loyalty, whos task shall be to preserve the great peace that we enjoy today.
Because of our peace, our people live in great wealth. It is also, of course, my god-given mandate to advance this wealth so that all people may enjoy it. Without a secure standard of living, we cannot achieve all of our aspirations, and hence it is up to me to provide to the people not only security of person but also security of living!
Hence, I also announce that, in addition to the marvelous programmes of our Imperially Chartered Corporations, the Royal Family itself will also be offering a public healthcare plan to ensure that we may all live in peace and prosperity.
I encourage all governors to focus on instilling great patriotism for the Empire in their citizens, and on working to achieve equality between their citizens in prosperity.
Thank you.
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Let the games begin.
The influence map on the first page might need some upgrading
