A big empire for little men (hopefully)

[CaterpillarKing]

Oooo it's growing!

 

[jackelgull]

Yes, but coming up, the dwarven empire hits some.. bumps. Ones that are higher than five foot three, and can't be solved with clubs and a low center of gravity.

 

[CaterpillarKing]

Oooo bumps! Are they human shaped?

 

[jackelgull]

Spoiler :

In 261 AK, a traveller comes into Khazak bearing news of the Yggdrasil tree, a shiny golden tree that produces enough fruit. It would be a fine place to settle a city next to, if it wasn't so far away.
"Someday you will be mine," Kandros thought, "Someday all the shinies will be mine."

Spoiler :

Kandros Fir offers his entire empire as an offering to alchemists who promise to make him immortal. Apparently this potion is also to be distributed among the entire population if it succeeds but Kandros doesn't really care about them. He i senraged to find however that it failed and the alchemists are executed, torn apart by the furious mob.

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KKandros' immigration control proves effective when it keeps barbarians from taking Riylod.

Spoiler :

A granary finishes in Halowell, and an elder council is being built for the aching bones of the dwarven elders in the city. It is basically a tomb for people ready to croak any minute. It even has pre dug graves nearby for the inevitable death.

Spoiler :

in 289 AK Kadar is founded near the tower of eyes. For the first few months or so, citizens won't stop complaining of the feeling that they're being watched. Dwarven women especially feel that their is a presence gazing upon them as they bathe.

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In 302 AK the dwarven empire is declared to be the largest in the world. This is one of the first times that the compilers of these lists don't dissappear under mysterious circumstances.

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A bandit tries to wreak havoc near Kadar, he fails miserably.

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in 316 AK a plague strikes Khazak, hitting the children hard. Kandros claims that the plague left because he told it he would no longer tolerate its antics. And so despite being one of the most oppressive dictators in the world, he's also the most well liked. Because he's rich.

Spoiler :

Some skeletons try their luck on the walls of Kadar. By now most cities have betting rings about which type of barbarian will strike next, how many and close they'll reach the city. It's a stupid thing to gamble about but for a dwarf anything is worth gambling over.

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In 336 AK the dwarves figure out the proper worship of Kilmorph, which basically boils down to, "Get mo money". It gels well with dwarven philosophy and becomes the empire's official religion.

Spoiler :

Some barbarian hunting goes on and essentially fails. Dwarves never seem to be able to persecute bigger than them.

Spoiler :

In 347 AK Glulyn is built, and promptly torn down in 349 AK by out of control barbs. The destruction is so traumatic, Kandros Fir can't even look at it. He swears vengeance.
"How dare these goblins resist my imperializing! I will crush them into dust, and do very rude things to them. Let's see how they like that." Kandros makes very slow and meticulous plans of revenge that probably won't happen in the goblin's lifetimes. Also an affluent duke passes away and in his forged completely honest will, he bequeaths alot of money to Kandros who uses it to build a monument of himself in Kadar.

Spoiler :

In 352 AK The Khazad are declared the least cultured civilizations in the world. The creator of the list manages to evade Kandros' goons I mean bandits, and keeps his life.

Spoiler :

In 369 AK, Kandros' plans for molasses speed revenge are halted when the Illians cast Stasis halting production commerce and science throughout the earth. The dwarven empire grinds to a halt as it can no longer advance because the Illians declared it so. Kandros is hopping mad.
"I will destroy you, Illian nation, even though I know not where you lie, for the insolence of halting my civilizing mission! May a very sick tunnel worm bite your men in the balls."
he makes it a crime to stop imperialism from happening, though what that means is so abstract Kandros uses it to arrest political opponents, who are too short sighted, selfish and stupid to see his brilliance.

And so for 60 turns years, the dwarven empire stagnated as no one wanted to make money or do anything productive, or even think, a condition known as the American Goblin disease because Americans goblins were the laziest and stupidest people on earth.


Just a note, I don't really believe this about Americans just playing into stereotypes.

 

[trexeric]

I don't know why I didn't sub this earlier, but better late than never!

 

[Noyyau]

Go dwarwen imperialists, go and conquer the world!

 

[Pliped]

sub post, honestly look its a sub

Spoiler :

 

[jackelgull]

I'm back, though I wish I wasn't...

The sixty turns that the Dwarven empire didn't eat, didn't work and didn't have sex became known as the lost years. Kandros attempted to strike these years out of the dwarven calender, and out of memory, but it is kind of hard to make sixty years disappear.

Also during these years, a thing known as the meme popped up. A grotesque collection of words and images that expressed a short and humorous message, they became a cultural phenomenon. I've tried my hand at memes myself.

Spoiler :

Workers build a new route to the former city of Glulyn. Kandros doesn't plan on leaving the city unsettled. A dwarven city will not not be built because of barbarians.

Spoiler :

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Meanwhile barbarian invasions rock the empire.
But they're

In 428 AK the Lost Years end, and the Dwarven Empire all agree that it was terrible. I mean, what's the point of life if there's no money being made?

 

[CaterpillarKing]

Very true, very true, money is the only goodness in the world when you're a Dwarf. Also, why do you wish you weren't back?

 

[jackelgull]

It is not that I wish I wasn't back precisely, it's simply that Stasis has killed my desire to play. Have I ever mentioned how much I truly loath Stasis? Sixty turns of nothing getting done today is God awful and makes for a boring story. I am contemplating restarting the his game without the Ilians. And maybe adding an interactive aspect, given that many IAARs have ended so I might have a chance.

 

[GreekAnalyzer]

Yay it's back!